Willie woke me up at 3 am this morning, as he did yesterday morning. I have no idea why-speculation is that he needed to potty, or he is waking up earlier and earlier to get the food in his morning Kong. I told him to “settle” and managed a restless doze until 5 am, when he pretty much threw himself at the bed, woke Lassie up from a log-like slumber, and careened me out of bed, still asleep and not at all pleased. I held my tongue, let the dogs out to potty, and then gave them their stuffed Kongs and went back upstairs.
When I came back downstairs, about an hour later, one of the dogs had defecated all over the house, and I mean all over. In the dining room, on the rug in the living room, on the floor in the living room, in the study, in the kitchen . . . Isn’t it amazing how much area one dog can cover? Of course, I ended up stepping in some while I was cleaning up another spot, and managed to distribute the poop even more liberally around the house than my dog had. I truly don’t know if it was Willie or Lassie (suspect Lassie, but just guessing, even though it was Will who woke me up so early), but I felt pretty much like what I was cleaning up, and said:
” What a WONDERFUL way to start my day! I just LOVE cleaning up s— so early in the morning! Thank you SO much, what would I do without you?” Truth be told, this was after exclaiming, and not in a happy voice, “Oh NO!” (or words to that effect) when I discovered that my slipper (still attached to my foot) was tracking the poop around faster than I was cleaning it up. Even though it wasn’t directed toward him, Willie responded to my louder-than-usual and clearly displeased voice by slinking out of the room as if I’d beaten him. One of the things I love about Will is that he IS so responsive. Even when he was young he listened better on sheep than any dog I’ve ever had. But the flip side is that he listens, and listens carefully, all the time. If raise my voice because I tripped over something and dropped a glass, Willie looks horrified. Like the young child of a divorcing couple, Willie seems to take everything personally, and just hates it when anyone raises their voice.
As soon as I saw his rounded eyes and lowered head this morning, I felt even worse–the last thing I wanted to do was to upset Willie. Ah, but one of the best benefits of human language saved me: the ability to say one thing and mean another. That’s when I switched to “Why thank you SO much. . .”, said in a liltingly happy voice. Any human within hearing distance would have known perfectly well that I meant the exact opposite of what I was saying, but I managed to express my frustration while sounding perfectly pleased to the dogs. (At least to Will, Lassie’s hearing is now bad enough that I suspect none of this had any effect on her.)
I’ve used this technique before, when I was truly irritated at a dog. I even advise it–it’s very helpful, when your dog has done something that just drove you crazy, to say something like “I hate every hair on your furry little body,” as long as you say it with the sweetest of expressions. (Highly recommended when your puppy finally comes when called, after a long delay!) I know there are people who say that they never EVER get even the slightest bit irritated at their dogs, and never, ever raise their voices their entire lives, and more power to them-I just can’t imagine that myself. (Maybe they could date Dr. Spock from Star Trek?)
So here’s my question to you: what do you do when and if your dog does something that challenges your frustration tolerance? I’m assuming here that we all agree that simply expressing anger isn’t constructive (or do you disagree?) Are there ever any circumstances where it IS appropriate to let a dog know that you are truly steamed? I look forward to your thoughts . . .
Meanwhile, back at the farm, I am sparing you a photo of the floor as it was when I came downstairs. (You’re welcome.) Here’s a nicer image: what it looked like outside about the time I got everything cleaned up:
I thought it was fun to compare this to a photo from outside of Naples, Florida, in Corkscrew Swamp. A bit of a difference!
Cassie says
Haha, I’m glad I’m not the only one that does that.
My best friend and I both say terrible things to our dogs when they are being rotten, but in a sugar sweet voice. She tells her dog (Science, a german shepherd), that she’s gonna mail him to bears.
I say even ruder things.
I feel guilty afterwards and apologize, so my dog gets two rounds of sweetness- the sweet things he thinks I’m saying as I really say horrible stuff, and the actual guilt ridden apologies for it!
(sorry you had to clean up so much poop!)
Alexandra says
Oh boy, what a miserable way to start the day. Sorry to hear about that, Trisha!
Not too long ago I came home to explosive dog feces all over my house. While cleaning it up I imagined the scenario that had lead to having poop in four different rooms and some of the walls and I got the hysterical giggles. There is pretty much nothing else to do at that point but laugh… it was either that or cry when my husband announced from upstairs that he’d given up and literally cut a 2’x2′ square out of our carpet!
I wish I could always find something to laugh at. I tend to be (overly?) quick to show my displeasure with the dogs if there is a safety issue involved. For example, when my dogs were younger and hadn’t learned to stay out from underfoot while I am going up and down the stairs or jogging, I would yell at them for making me trip. I don’t think the yelling really helped, but at the same time I’d body-block them out of my space which is probably how they actually learned not to crowd me. I still struggle with my frustration vs. being a good trainer when my dogs see something exciting and try to drag me on the leash – we live in a rual area so there are all kinds of critters as well as free-roaming dogs and cats.
One thing I have noticed is that owning Copper (my younger dog) has made me a calmer person overall. If I get frustrated at the computer or some other inanimate object and say something in an angry tone, Copper comes running into the room and starts pawing at me in an anxious way and trying to puppy-lick me. I imagine him saying something along the lines of “Mom! Please calm down! You’re scaring me!!!” I try to be calmer so I won’t scare my dog.
Anne says
Oh, how I appreciate your comments Trish – My dog Ava (Havanese) has taught me to monitor my tone; she gets so hurt when I have shown my frustration in less than flattering ways. As a retired school counselor I really appreciate what Ava has taught me; Kindness Rules. How wonderful to come home and be welcomed,even when late, with kisses and just pure joy. Thanks for being so human and open about it.
Liz F. says
“What do you do when your dog … challenges your frustration tolerance?”
Separate myself from him/her, take five, and when the frustration is really high, smoke a cigarette. Terrible, right? Somehow I still find it better than hollering (tho I do realize I am only taking the frustration out on myself)
One of my dogs has the same kind of responsiveness as Will so I try whatever I can to avoid an angry scene. Alas, after two failed attempts at quitting, I am still a dirty rotten smoker. I’ll be trying the sweet talk next time, maybe that will help and I can distance myself w/ out the carcinogens.
I’m sure there are worse things to see in your house first thing in the morning, but I really can’t think of any. Bummer.
Kat says
Poor you, what a miserable way to start a day. I hope whichever dog is done with whatever problem caused the mess.
I seldom get angry or frustrated with Ranger and about the worst he experiences is a stiff no when he is completely ignoring my direction to cease and desist whatever it is that he’s doing that he shouldn’t. Where I lose it is with the 10 year old boy who knows all of Mom’s buttons and specializes in pushing them. I always feel badly for Ranger when I lose it with my son and start shouting at him. Ranger is never sure whether he should back Mom up and help discipline the miscreant or protect the boy from Mom’s anger. Now that I really think about it, conflict between the Mom and the pre-teen have diminished since we realized how very much it upsets Ranger. Yet another benefit of having him in the family; the son that doesn’t have any problem with upsetting me doesn’t want to upset the dog and I try harder to keep it under control in order to spare my canine companion.
I have used the sugary sweet voice on the son who picks right up on the sarcasm but of course Ranger finds it much easier to bear. I’ll have to remember Cassie’s friend’s threat to mail him to bears. I laughed at that one.
Nicola says
What a bad start to the morning – however the day can only get better (I hope) π
My girls are crossover dogs, so they cope with pretty much anything – but my border collie is as soft as Willie. I’ve used your trick of a nice voice & bad language, also going outside the front of the house where the dogs aren’t allowed & yelling there (the neighbours must think I’m crazy)
The only time I will express my anger is when the dogs get into fights between themselves – then I let loose. I just will not put up with that. To give you an idea – I’ve had to do it 2 times in 5 years.
I slipped up on Monday – yelled at my border collie for rude behaviour with another dog at the dog park. Unfortunately a friend’s dog which had just stayed with me for a month took that to mean I wanted the other dog gone – and it turned nasty (no skin broken thank goodness). Fortunately the other dog was bigger than both of “mine” put together, and even more fortunately it ran away. I don’t know what my friend did, but I grabbed my dogs & left the park. A good reminder that dogs don’t listen to the words, but the tone – and that they interpret everything we do from a dog’s point of view!
Kim says
My Golden Benny frustrates me when he somehow is able to get a book from a table and eat it…i don’t say anything to him, because i didn’t catch him in the act…i guess i give him the silent treatment…..when all the dogs are getting on my nerves…(which is very, very rare)….i have them go lay down. perhaps why i have Goldens…they are easy to get along with! i find great discomfort if i am ever frustrated with my dogs
Kathy F says
I’ve been known to coo, “Come to mama, you little Spawn of Satan.” And poor Sam lived here for six months before he realized his first name wasn’t “damn” as in “Damn, Sam! What have you done now?” (Being called “damn” doesn’t seem to have scarred him for life.)
But there’s the time I dropped a bottle of thyroid pills in the kitchen–and my dogs think anything that hits the floor is theirs. I just yelled, “Everyone out of my kitchen right now!” They took me seriously, and watched from the dining room while I cleaned up.
Sam requires a raised voice; otherwise, he is unconvinced that things are serious. Jacey normally reacts badly to a raised voice and tries to run in three directions at once…even if I’m yelling at Sam.
But the number one rule here–forever: no one gets yelled at for anything if they come when called. Absolute amnesty applies.
Sorry you had a s****y morning… Been there, done that.
Shelly says
Sorry to hear you had such a pleasant awakening. π My boy, Calvin, is a pug mix. Though he’s been trained with positive reinforcement, I am a crossover trainer, so I’m sure little things have slipped in over his 5 years. That said, no matter what I am upset about, he tends to respond in much the same way Will did this morning…assuming he is the one I’m upset with. This has helped me tremendously because it has taught me incredible control over emotions…at least when he’s in the room.
That said, I do frequently do the kissy poo thing. Especially after getting Lucy, my cute little female pug. Lucy is short for Lucifer, and some day I’m going to sell her to the Vietnamese market. Ah, the things we can say when it’s dripping with sugar and there’s a chance of treat hanging in the air.
Often, when the dogs really upset me, I’ll simply leave the room for a minute…better than the alternative. Depending on the circumstances, I may even resort to that old trainers trick of finding a way to end the situation on a good, rewardable note.
I really liked Alexandra’s idea of imagining the scenario leading up to the mess. If it’s too late to yell at them, at least get a good solid chuckle of what led to the destruction of property…This might be a really good exercise for people who own chewers!
Sharrie Brockhaus says
Sorry for your problem, but as they say, Misery loves company. It is good to see that someone else does the same type of things that I do. I am having a time with a rough collie and the same kind of problem. And….I guess I don’t get angry with the dogs very often because I really can’t say that I do anything special because of their bad behavior. Enjoy your blog and miss the radio show.
Karen D Lee says
I tell them! I talk. I’m a big conversationalist. I scream as I’m taking them out into the garage and out back. I tell them “Blast it Duke, how many times. I hate you. You’re getting away from me before I beat you over the head with the broom or throw something at you I hate you!” To which he replies “You’re a nut. I don’t think I understand you.” to which I roll over in my mind and ask myself what is wrong with my management and training program?! What am I missing? Why am I not getting through to him? It’s a loop and THUS the frustration.
Then Sagan. “L.E.A.V.E. M.E. A.L.O.N.E.” in the nastiest tone I can muster or I scream “go away, go away, go away, go away.” And occasionally I do think to myself – “Karen, why aren’t you training your dog for the long down? Life would be so much easier.”
*karendianne. (Karen). A long time reader, first time to comment. Currently down to 2 Aussie’s. π
Emily says
I read somewhere once (was it your book?) that for primates, it is our instinct to raise our voices and get physically aggressive when we are frustrated (breaking and throwing things especially), but for dogs, that is seen as more of a lack of control, a loss of leadership (do correct me if I am wrong).
When I get mad at my dog, which is not often, at first I always find the first instinct I have is to strike out at him – as if hitting him long after the fact will make it better – and then I always think to myself, “I am such a primate!” And that makes me laugh since we so rarely see ourselves as animals who make mistakes too when given opportunity to do so.
Usually now I just give my dog the silent treatment. Or if I have had a long hard day and come home to find some of his mischief, I sit on the floor and stroke him slowly and calmly until I feel better. Because even though he is the source of my frustration and momentary anger, petting him and being close to him makes it all seem okay and so small in the scheme of things. He too is very sensitive at the sound of a raised voice and because of his traumatic first 3 years I try to maintain an even volume level as best as I can around him.
Ed says
If I’m actually angry and want the message to be clear, yes, the silent treatment. If an animal is in danger, I do come down like a ton of bricks.
But if I’m personally frustrated with my inability to do what I’m trying to do with my dog, or a biological accident, or coming home from work to find the lid has been knocked off the cat box so a dog can get at the sweet sweet treats inside, or something they can’t be expected not to do (like drool on a pillow), sarcasm is a good outlet (and it can be directed at myself as in “Poor little dog, how could you possible know what this crazy person wants you to do when she says “drop” but kind of jumps up.”)
The only problem is, some people get really upset and in your face if you threaten a horse with a future at the Alpo cannery – even if you are using a comic accent – or tell your dog that they’re only alive because of a 5-day waiting period. Nothing works with those people. If you try to point out that the dog is obviously happy they – in my experience – accuse you of making fun of the dog. (And they’re never going to understand with dogs and me, the joke is always on me!)
Alexandra says
I love the comments and stories. I will confess to losing it one day and shouting “@(&%*# OUT! GET OUT!!!” to my two dogs one day when I was tired and grumpy and they’d decided to start a hard core wrestling match under my desk and chair (forbidden activity… they almost never do this). I chased them out of the room and slammed the door, then promptly felt bad when I heard them both quietly slump against the outside of the door and a little whimper come from Copper. I let them back in about a minute later.
kate says
Wow… I think I would have called in sick to work and splurged on a fun day out for myself…what a way to start the day!
I either;
1- tell them in a sickly sweet voice that this really sucks and how they should actually count their blessings, and remind them one by one of all the nice things I do for them.
2- sometimes I’ll just ignore them, leave the room, depending on the time of day, have a glass of wine and cheese plate WITHOUT sharing and eat in front of my laptop (I don’t watch tv) or read or even just leave the house and take a breather and after I calm down, think about what I can do differently to avoid whatever happening again.
3- or my beagles will start to play bow and jump from side to side or do something like grab a roll of toilet paper AND UNROLL IT adding yet another layer to my suffering to put me over the edge that just makes me laugh and it puts everything back in perspective.
Bottom line is I’m the one whose got it good, and can come and go, do as I please, eat what I want, when I want.
From their body language or facial expressions at times it feels reciprocal …. I’m swear they tell me sometimes that they didn’t sign up for some of the things I have them do.
Amanda & the mutts says
I definitely do that “happy I hate you” talk. I also will send the dogs out to our small fenced back yard for a bit telling them I am saving their lives and suggesting they keep their mouths shut while they’re out there.
I’m not sure how or why, but I never get mad about poop. (and it’s sure not for lack of occurrence) I think it’s probably because it’s pretty much always my fault or just plain out of their control. (I gave them a fatty bone to chew on or didn’t take them for a walk and make sure they pooped, etc) I usually end up feeling bad about it. I also have dark colored carpeting, I think that helps a lot)
My older dog tries my patience far more than my younger one does, and I do have to work much harder to not lose my temper with him. (he is extremely defiant with coming when called outside – he will just stand there and stare at me) I’m working on my own behavior modification to deal with this issue.
Deb says
I’m so sorry that you started your day like this, but I do want to thank you for letting me know that I’m in good company! Knowing that a world renown behaviorist has the same “problem” made me feel less like a failure. π
I too have “lost it” with my dogs (three Italian Greyhounds) – shouting to them that they’re going to rescue as I picked up poop. And, I’ve come to find out that my middle child – Dylan – is VERY soft. If I get too loud and angry, she’s off and running for cover – usually under the bed.
My MOST effective “punishiment”? The silent treatment. Total avoidance of any contact. They KNOW that they’ve stepped over the line. My only problem is that I think it’s harder on me than it is on them!
Judi says
Oof. Sorry about the cleanup party before breakfast.
I lost it with my 11mo Aussie yesterday when she once again grabbed her 14yo “sister” by the tail and yanked. I threw the toy I was carrying down hard and advanced on the puppy yelling. She flattened and listened carefully while I ranted, but as soon as I eased off the body language and softened my voice, she was ready to go back to playing with me. I warned her a couple of times when she still moved in too roughly on the old girl, but I think this rant may have helped. I do love the resilience of this puppy’s temperament.
The tough part is figuring out how to get the puppy to understand that while it’s good for both of them to play together, knocking the old one down is not fun, amusing, charming, or legal.
Christine says
It was just this morning. Our Swiss running dog (Bruno du Jura, called black and tan in the US as I recently learned) was following a fox scent and I heard his howling farther and farther away. I yelled “Tabasgo, here” then I realized that my yelling would probably motivate him to search even more for the fox. So I sat down on a log (in the snow), humming a song and, guess who was coming to look what’s going on, it was Tabasgo. He came sniffing and pushing his snout to my face, and here we were, two good friends!
Kerry L. says
Depending on the situation I either send the dog(s) outside while I cool down or put them in a down/stay til they cool down. I also use the sweet tone of voice when discussing which dog would make the tastiest stew or soup.
Bonnie says
If we do not show our displeasure…how do the dogs know that it is bad behavior? I raised two aussies with only positive reinforcement…one had a “pinching/tagging” issue and was eventually “put down”. At one point, a dog “therapist” suggested he did not know he was doing anything wrong…
I tried agility, and “No free lunch” training. However, I possessed a husband who did not believe the dog had a problem. Eventually he tagged a neighborhood child. I can’t help but wonder if I had been more heavy handed when he was young, if he would have “better understood” that it was bad behavior.
Could have, should have , wish I could have a do over. I miss him, he was the smartest dog I have ever owned. I have his full brother, who is vocal but has never crossed that line. He lacks herding abilities. Is not as “motivated” as an agility dog etc.
In your case, be happy you had slippers on…nothing like poop between the toes to really start your day off. Also, it sounds like it may have been an old dog mistake…I usually remove them from the room, as quickly as possible and suffer in silence.
Denise says
Sorry about your morning – bleah! What a lovely sunrise though. Doesn’t that make it all worth while? π
Cleaning up accidents doesn’t really bother me but then again, I don’t have carpet! It’s the things that might be dangerous, like eating mystery items from the ground or slipping out the door that are likely to make me loose it. Fortunately, my Eskie has a great recall and isn’t one to take off anyway. Unfortunately, he still loves to find mystery treats…. I’ve told him so often “I’m going to beat you with a stick” that he thinks it’s just more of the usual human happy noise when he hears me say it. Occasionally I wonder what strangers would think if they overheard me though!
Lauren Mack says
Oh, what a fun way to start out the day! Kidding π
My cockers are very responsive, like your Willie. They are very sensitive too.
They react the same way with angry yelling(get upset & go lay in bed), they seem to know the difference between an ‘angry argument’ and shouting loudly at the tv during a sports game.
If I get frustrated, or upset, I try to go outside to cool down. Or say what you suggested ‘Oh Madaline, you little stinker Badaline that pooped in my slipper’ in a very sweet voice. Or give them their bully sticks to chew on, or their busy buddy toys to occupy them so I can have a moment alone.
Trisha says
I’m loving this conversation, and especially how many of us have used sweetly-said disparaging words when we were frustrated at our dogs. It’s also a very productive conversation: it has gotten me thinking about when I do raise my voice in the house. I’m happy to say it’s not all that often, but when it is, it is rarely, if ever, directed toward a dog. Yesterday, for example, when I said “Oh NO!” (or words to that effect), I wasn’t looking at either of the dogs, I was just exclaiming my misery over all the poop. But of course, Will still responded as if I had yelled at him, which is why I felt badly and switched my tone.
As I think about it, the things that get an irritated voice out of me are almost always objects. I never really thought about it before, but it’s really clear that machines and uncooperative objects are the things that push my buttons. Put my computer at the top of the list, add in a dropped glass or a machine that won’t cooperate, and you get the picture. I can and do occasionally get frustrated by dogs, but it’s just not all that often. Yesterday, it never occurred to me to be mad at one of them for pooping in the house for example. I don’t want to sugar coat this, certainly there are times when they can frustrate me (Lassie is underfoot a lot now, Willie and Sushi used to be my primary problem–more on that soon, it’s going well :-), but I am so very very lucky with the ones I’ve had for so many years. I’m sure that having a lot of knowledge about how to manage behavior helps, but still, Will and Lassie are so good in so many ways. I’m going to write my next blog about this, because I don’t think most training books or classes talk to people about how to handle being frustrated by their dogs. Frustration is a common cause of aggression and violence (and motivator of using aversive techniques), so I think we trainers could do good by helping the general public know that it’s normal to get frustrated sometimes, and what to do about it (like nasty words said sweetly, or deep breaths or starting to laugh…)
So thanks for all your great comments, as usual, you’ve inspired another thoughtful conversation in the next blog.
JJ says
I can’t do it. If I’m frustrated enough to need such a technique (which happens often enough), I can’t make my voice truly sound happy or nice. There is a clear undercurrent of frustration in my tone. And while preferable to yelling, I’m convinced that the dog can pick up on the undercurrent. So, for me, trying to say something mean in a happy voice is not going to get the desired results.
Usually. Sometimes when I try it, I think the technique itself forces me to calm down and look at it as a funny situation. If that happens and my internal state really changes, then the change comes out in my voice too. So, then the technique works not so much as a way for me to express my frustration in a “safe”/dog-appropriate way, but as a way to change my emotions.
Generally, assuming I didn’t mess up and actually yell or let my frustration talk, the best I can do is just keep quiet. Since I’m often talking to my dog in a happy voice and telling him how much I love him and am proud of him and etc., etc., etc., I think the quiet might mean something to him.
rheather says
The time yell and use ‘stompy feet’ at the dogs is when I’m carrying stuff and need a cone of emptiness around me. They have learned to stay away but it’s hard(emotionally) on them. I see I need another way to deal with this.
And if I’ve lost it about something unrelated to the dogs and I’m yelling, Phoebe acts in a very appeasing cringing way that make me feel guilty, but Rufus cracks me up. He moves a decent distance away and gives me a look that just says “You are a crazy primate and I’m having none of this.” The one-two punch of their reactions makes me realize just how stupid I’m being.
And I’ve spend much time using ‘happy voic’e to search for big enough sticks to beat them with. Or saying I want to hug them so hard their heads fall off.
Meganwf says
At this very moment I am waiting for the flooring guy to call me back about ripping out our living room carpet and installing linoleum. With three senior dogs and their issues over the last few years and house training a puppy and three kids…. Ugh. I never want carpet again!
And when I get frustrated? Everybody goes outside!
And yes, more information from trainers on day to day issues and positive ways to deal with them. Also love hearing how folks have failed and how they “recovered” and found a better way. I get pretty tired of hearing, “my dog saved Timmy again” stories when my puppy is still finding legos to snack on.
Hope to see you in August in PA!
Karissa says
I find I’m getting a lot calmer the more dogs I get — You almost have to, or you’ll go stark raving mad. lol My first boy, who is now six, admittedly got several smacks and yanks when he was young because I didn’t know any better as a trainer. Thankfully he has a heart of gold and quickly forgave my mistakes and ended up as the best dog a person could ask for!
Dog number two was an incredibly difficult puppy and was horrid to house train (compared to the first, who had zero accidents EVER). By the time he came around, I had come to learn that any mistakes he made were, in general, MY fault because I wasn’t watching him properly. It was with him that I started to use the sing-song voice when cleaning up the messes he left. ;o)
Now I’m on number three (my first Border Collie!) and it’s amazing how much better things are now that I’m relaxed and more “go with the flow” in my training style. I’m human and definitely get frustrated at times, but I find that these frustrations are more because I’ve run out of tools in my tool box to accomplish what I’m trying to do. That means that *I* am the one who needs more training, not my dog.
I find that I save actual yelling & screaming for times when they are doing something dangerous or dangerous to their health. Unfortunately, they still don’t agree with me that eating cat poop is not good for them….
Cynthia says
I love this thread! I concur with Meganwf’s comment about hearing about issues and rccovery: with one reactive dog and one aggressive dog, the best I can hope for is a bite-free, three-walks-a-day-while-crossing-all-streets kind of life. The idea of having them in agility or a nursing home gives me hives and anxiety sweats just to think of it. (okay, and maybe a little jealous while we’re admitting less-than-flattering emotions)
My best training for keeping calm around dogs was teaching preschool for six years. When I get frustrated, I immediately start phrasing the situation into a funny story in my head to tell in my dog training blog or to a friend at first opportunity. Telling stories of naughty children or dogs for comedic effect is a great incentive to calm down. Not to mention the old standby: the deep breath.
Amy W. says
If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were looking in my window Monday afternoon looking for inspiration for your blog topic. Only my little trouble maker is a cat who poops on the couch when he sees another cat outside the window. And without boring you – he’s not sick and we’ve tried lots of failed solutions.
How do I handle myself when my last nerve has been plucked?
I go sit in the garage. I’m not sure why, but it seems to help.
Is it appropriate to let your dog know that you are truly steamed?
Obviously it isn’t appropriate if you are physically hurting your dog to express that anger. But yelling every now and then when you’re at your wits end, maybe not that big of deal. I’ve seen my dogs give each other ‘the business’ when they’re feed-up with each other, and I don’t think it hurts their realtionship. I realize dog/dog interaction vs. human/dog interaction isn’t the same, but yelling at my dogs to go away while I clean up poop off the couch, I’m just not convinced they’ve been scarred.
Terry says
Ugh…..I guess young Mr Will was trying to tell you something!!
I like this discussion. And yes, dealing with some of the frustration can be challenging. The sweet talk can help vent, but one still has to watch the body language!!!!
I have 2 deaf bullies. At least with them I can pretty much swear, rant whatever, and they do not hear!!!! The only time I can really get away with venting. However, they ARE in tuned to the body language. So if sweet-talk venting, one still has to be relaxed, not stiff or conveying the anger and frustration.
The real challenge is trying to convince going potty (where frustration may arise) when it is wet, raining and wind blowing like crazy. My gang does NOT see the humor here, so I do have to go out with them to be certain they do potty. To try and get around this I have set up a place in the barn so they can go out of the weather, basically works. One of the dogs absolutely will not go there, he is convinced I am punishing him, so he has to go in the rain!
And 0400 is the routine time for getting up and going out and having breakfast, during the week or weekend, or holidays, no matter.
Lacey H says
Fostering quite a string of rescue dogs has given me plenty of mornings like yours. (Yes, I replaced carpet with laminate flooring early on.) But I find there’s a wide spectrum of sensitivity to yelling; with some dogs it’s ok if I growl at the “spot”, though they watch to make sure it isn’t coming at them. With a more sensitive dog I keep my mouth shut. And I do agree that a sensitive dog may pick up the negative behind the sugar in the voice.
DeAnna says
This is actually how I found “positive reinforcement” training. When Corrie was a pup, I tried teaching him to heel by using leash corrections. It didn’t work of course, because he was 12 weeks old and had no idea why I was yanking on his leash all the time. So I wasn’t getting the desired result, and I hadn’t yet come across any information about how to do it differently, so I would just keep doing the same thing until I was a yelling and frustrated mess standing in the middle of the sidewalk with a scared puppy crouching in front of me (still not beside me!). Then I decided that that pretty much sucked for everyone, and started searching the internet for other ways.
These days, I try to manage things so that Corrie doesn’t have the opportunity to frustrate me quite like that. I’m actually a pretty mellow person, so at 16 months old now, he rarely has the opportunity to do something that will make me want to call him names. The only time that I do give him the mean voice is when, like other commenters have said, it’s really really important that he not run down the street or jump the fence or whatever. And I use it rarely enough that he takes it seriously, not just running away more.
Writing this makes me realize how lucky I am with Corrie. He’s a 16-month-old Border Collie/GSD that I got as a pup from a shelter. He’s my first dog as an adult, so I’m sure I’ve done tons of things wrong. But we still seem to have a pretty chill understanding of the way things should work around here. He’s got issues (leash reactivity, too pushy with other dogs, a bit of fear aggression), but we at least understand each other pretty well, and that makes for very little yelling.
Kathryn says
I have spent many a day cleaning the carpet and telling my pets in the sweetest of tones that they are going back to the shelter. It makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one who has said such things. Of course, we don’t mean it but sometimes it is so frustrating! Several of my animals (or fosters) have been “sensitive souls” so I try hard to control my initial reaction.
Mihaela says
Sorry you had to deal with one of those great-moments-in-dog-ownership moments yesterday!
I guess you can approach this as an oxytocin vs. adrenalin matter. My dogs have taught me a lot about myself and how much I can control my voice and attitude in the face of a rising adrenaline wave in my blood stream… And yet, there are moments when the adrenaline is a bit too high. That’s when I tell them in a happy voice “wanna go outside?” and let them run in the backyard until I can calm down a little bit. By the time they are allowed to come back in, the adrenaline is low enough, that the oxytocin levels going up from those sweet furry faces and loose waggy tails can take over.
I remember this one moment in our history (about 5 years ago) when Monty, then a 5 month old (and already 50-60 lb) ball of fluff grabbed the ferns from a pot by the leaves and started running throughout the house shaking his head along with the rootball. There was dirt flying everywhere: white carpets (yes, I now know better than that), the blades of the white shutters, couch, you name it. I put him in his crate and my EM (essential man) got a hysterical phone call… Then I sat down, took a deep breath and started to clean up. It got better. My EM got another call that worried him even more: I apparently had a calm voice when I told him “it’s all right now; the dog is in the oven”. Good thing he does get sarcasm…
Liz F. says
This has really got me thinking! The times I’ve gotten most angry with my dogs all stem from loss– the loss of a beloved object, way of life, or any other ‘big’ thing to me.
For the most part my dogs are a joy and really easy to get along with. However, when they do cause me some kind of loss, they are unaware of its implications.
My frustration doesn’t come from them as much as it comes from my reluctance to accept the change that is happening. Even if the change is relatively small, put me in a tired, burnt out state of mind and I’ll have trouble processing it. So a dog breaking my all-time-favorite pair of glasses (most other glasses fit me funny behind the ear and gave me headaches), or a dog chewing a hand-stitched and embroidered book cover I made (this single book picked off a high shelf amongst fifty other books), both have the ability to make my world stop while steam comes briefly from my ears. The same idea can be applied to behavior issues, like when it became obvious early on that one of my dogs had “afraid of the dusk” issues and acted differently on walks at this particular time of day. If it was completely dark she was fine, but put a setting sun in the sky and she’d spook at everything. I had to walk them early, or late, as we worked through it. I was rushing home from work everyday, changing my routine, and then trying to be calm and helpful to my dog on walks. We made it through together, but there were times along the way when I would be so frustrated, saying in my head, “How did this happen? Can I get my old life back, please?”
After giving it second thought, I think I’m like JJ and others who commented that the sweet voice doesn’t work for them because the frustration comes through. Sometimes, after I’m calm, I will go to the dogs and tell them my perspective- knowing full well that they can’t understand any of it- just to get it off of my chest the same way I would with another person.
Kelly says
I have two extremely sensitive American Cockers, so I’m very familiar with the art of saying one thing and meaning something else entirely. My oldest dog could care less if I yell at him, but the two younger dogs act absolutely heartbroken if they’re chastised for anything. Most of the time it’s just a good reminder for me that anything I consider worth “yelling” about is probably my fault, but I do find it extremely challenging during training. My female is especially sensitive to NRMs or corrections – she gets very stressed out at the thought that she’s failing, or doing something wrong, and she shuts down completely, no matter how positive the rest of the training session was. This desire to be right (or to please, or whatever it is) is what I think is the reason for her not being a good free-shaper either. She hesitates to offer anything, because she doesn’t want to be wrong (or at least, that’s how I interpret it).
Good topic yet again!
Teri says
Oh my dawg, I almost peed from laughing at Miheala’s last comment about the dog in the oven. Yep, good thing hubbies het sarcasm!
I have labs who basically don’t seem to take anything to personal so basically just ignore my hissy fits :o). What I did finally learn with my latest (now 3.5) is that when I get frustrated about something it just totally amps him up. It seems almost like he is throwing in with me and if I’m gonna be like that then he wants to be my “wingman”. I guess bad energy from me results in bad energy from him. I have really had to learn sooooo much more patience or I would have turned my dog into a reactive lunatic!
I never take puke or bodily functions personally, it is pretty much always beyond their control but man do I wish they wouldn’t aim for the only piece of carpet close by (arghhhhh!). I do admit that while my guy is great with my old girl (14), one of the only things that really gets to me is when we look after my guy’s littermate (frequently). The two brothers push each others buttons and are not very careful around the old girl and she gets run over by them :o(. That usually gets a yell which seems to result in them being more careful and the old girl happy to be saved.
KateH says
I recommended to a friend with a puppy that liked to turn ‘come’ into ‘chase me instead’ that she should throw herself on the ground and fake cry to get her puppy to come back, and as she took hold of his collar, through her fake sobs, she should relieve her frustration by saying, “I’ve got you now, my pretty, and I’m going to skin you and use your fur for glove linings.” She decided to just crouch down and offer treats and praise instead!
It was much easier for me to say mean things to my dogs (most of the time in a sweet, sing-song tone) before the empty house next door was sold and the new neighbors started having children. And even for the first 2 years, the child wasn’t out much and didn’t know what I was saying anyway. Now, with three boys under 7, I have to be aware if it’s ‘school hours’ when they’re all out of the house (school and babysitter), or is it weekends and summertime when they might hear through open windows. It puts a crimp in my ‘yelling’ “Hey, you moronic mutt, I’m talking to you” or “if you keep digging to China you’ll get turned into barbeque when you get there,” or “could you give me two seconds to pick up the poop before you step in it, you poop-pawed freakazoid!” (The “dammits” and other real curses are mostly directed at me, and I usually mutter those under my breath.)
Chuck Mundy says
I train puppies and adult dogs two nights a week to fund my habit of training my ‘Chessie’ for field work. (No e-colars or Force Fetch, thank you).
I never get mad at my students because they are never around long enough. But, it can be very frustrating to have your dog ‘flip you the paw’ when he’s 150 yards away. So, I just changed my entire view of the whole subject like this.
Dogs are not capable of being disobedient because they cannot understand a ‘duty to obey’. Like wise, dogs don’t understand a ‘command’ as a ‘command’.
Since the day I figured that out, I have not given my dog a single command, and he has never disobeyed me. Instead he is just more or less reliable for a given ‘cue’, and needs more training – and that’s my problem, not the dogs.
I no longer feel the need to throttle my dog, and I have more time for basket weaving when I get a weekend pass.
Chuck
Susan says
My 75 lb mutt Mer is very sensitive to tone, but I have to say when he hit 3 and was still not totally housebroken I gave up on the don’t let him know you are mad method of training. I never yelled at him, but I did yell at the room and then snubbed him for at least 10 minutes after finding a mess, and he became house trained in less than a month. Last summer a bad reaction to medication gave him bleeding ulcers and other digestive issues so I’m once again finding poop on the floor occasionally, but I know he can’t help it. So, when I am frustrated I usually say to him in a cooing tone, “I hate you very much!” or “If you weren’t so long and skinny I’d turn you into a rug right now, yes I would!” and he gives a “phew!” reaction right away.
Jorden says
Hello there,
I just wanted to take a quick moment to thank you for all your wonderful dog advice. We recently lost our 141/2 year old dog, Zoe (naturally, amazingly enough) and if I had not read “The Other End of The Leash” I would not have known to let her lay in state in the house, so that our other pup could understand. It was an amazing process for us, and I feel very thankful for it and for learning about it from you.
Thank you,
Jorden Nigro
Liza Lundell says
I just ask them, “basenji potpie”? or “basenji en brochette”?
But they’re not terribly sensitive, and if I do lose it and yell, they just listen, then shake it off.
I feel for you with the house. I lost my 15-1/2 year old girl last July, and she was incontinent for about the last 18 months (she had canine cognitive disease). I kept her in diapers, and I bought her her very own carpet shampooer. It worked for us. I just accepted that I was going to have to clean up daily, and shampoo frequently. I’d do it all over to have her back.
Eileen says
Your blog entry is heartening since I have been having to cope with my own anger at 1) poop-eating and 2) unexpected submissive, frightened behavior on the part of my little hound mix. When she suddenly acts afraid of me for unknown reasons, her specific physical behaviors push some kind of unfortunate button I have and I get really mad and want to yell and stomp.
For the poop eating (it is cat poop in my garden), after I know that I have removed the bulk of it and the dogs are STILL down there looking for a crumb, I “look away.” I literally don’t watch. This is in lieu of running down the steps screaming at them. For the second problem, I am practicing to modify my emotional reaction. I printed a photo of my little dog looking scared, and I look at it several times a day and say, “This little dog is scared” and “This is not about me.” My hope is that the next time she cowers in front of me, my immediate feelings will be sympathetic.
Ignacio says
I’m so glad you only posted outdoor pictures this time! π This reminds me of an explosive diarrhea episode of my dog at a carpeted corner spot. But I’ll spare y’all the details…
When I get really, really frustrated I prefer to just walk away silently if possible. Just keep him out of my sight until I vent. But I end up feeling sorry after a few minutes and go back to him anyway.
Anna says
I don’t have a poker face… anyone can look at me and know what I am feeling without my ever opening my mouth. I have also learned that when mad or frustrated I would say things that I would be extremely sorry for later so I taught my self to yell in my head not with my mouth. That said my PWCs always seem to know how I am feeling too and know that my frustration is usually quickly gone and it is kissy time again. It is okay for them to know I am frustrated as they get frustrated sometimes too but it would not be okay to physically or verbally abuse in frustration, they seem to understand that.
B.B. says
If raise my voice because I tripped over something and dropped a glass, Willie looks horrified. Like the young child of a divorcing couple, Willie seems to take everything personally, and just hates it when anyone raises their voice.
Both my Borders have been like this, especially my current boy. If me and my SO are arguing, he runs and hides in his crate, certain that I’m going to turn, unhinge my jaw, and make a snack out of him (the dog gets scared too, haw haw). It has certainly resulted in me trying to control my temper better, so I do suppose there are pros and cons to these things.
Erin says
I’m not alone! I thought I was a crazy person because I have yelled at my puppy. But I’m not the only one. Now when I feel the urge to yell, I repeat “mama doesn’t yell!” under my breath over and over or my other favorite mantra: “he won’t be a puppy forever!”
Sara Reusche says
I have a very, very sensitive dog who has taught me so much. If I yell or get upset, she either panics or totally shuts down. It takes 3-4 days for her to return to normal, and I just get guiltier and guiltier as I watch her struggle to make it through the day. She’s on prescription anxiety meds and I have worked with a veterinary behaviorist, which has helped enormously… but she’s still easily stressed, and it breaks my heart if I’m the reason for her distress.
What I have started doing with her (as she’s also a dog who can be very frustrating) is to force myself to take a minute when I’m upset. I close my eyes, and I picture three things as clearly as possible in my head, trying to paint a mental picture. The first thing I think of is the very first minute I ever saw her, when she was still at the shelter. Then I try to think of something she has done recently that’s made me laugh. After that, I think of something she’s done that has made me very proud. Usually by this point I’m no longer upset. Even if I’m so frustrated or angry that I can’t think of the second or third things on my list, I can ALWAYS summon up a visual image of her looking at me with wide scared eyes at the shelter and that reminds me why she’s in my life. Sometimes a little perspective is important in the heat of the moment.
One of my New Year’s resolutions this year was to begin using the same technique with my other dog, who is much more resilient. He can oftentimes frustrate me even on the best days although I wouldn’t trade him for the world. I decided that there’s no excuse to yell at him just because he can tolerate it, especially since it still makes him miserable and he becomes especially clingy afterwards. I backslid tonight when he erupted in barking for about the tenth time in a row at a little noise outside after my housemate had gone to bed, but mostly I think we’re doing better (and after I yelled at him, I put him on leash, which I should have done the first time he barked). The funny thing is, as I’m directing more positive energy his way, his noisy barking outbursts that make me so angry are decreasing. I think it’s because he’s spending more time resting next to me, and that leaves less time for him to scan for things to bark at. And if all else fails, I can threaten to beat him bloody with a piece of bacon…
Lindsay says
I’m pretty good at keeping my cool when I come downstairs and realize that one of my animals has gotten into the garbage, pooped on the floor, puked or destroyed something. I realize they will probably have no idea why I’m yelling at them and it’s easier to joke about it or make fun of them. I am actually usually laughing and teasing them and they don’t seem to mind π
I have one dog and two cats. One cat is very dominant and one is very sensitive, so I never yell at him like I will the other two from time to time. Anyway, when I find myself raising my voice with Ace or Beamer, it really gets to my sensitive cat Scout. He tenses up or slinks away or runs. Usually he’s wide-eyed like something really bad will happen. Poor guy. That’s the main reason I really try to watch my voice and actions. The other two could care less.
Kristi says
I have four amazing German shepherd’s that are fantastic to work with (3 males 1 female). They very rarely give me any grief, which is mostly due to the fact that they are all over five. Yea, we have come a long way.
However, my dear husband talked me into a new GSD puppy. What can I say I am sucker for him and for the adorable female pup he brought home. She is really trying what little patience I have. She is even starting to get on my oldest GSDs nerves.
I really do love to watch their pack interaction and I try to learn how they all deal with the new pup. Mostly there is a very obvious pack order and the lowest on the pack is stuck with a lot of the work with entertaining her. My eldest however monitors from a far and when he finds she is really out of control he steps in and flips her rather swiftly with a paw. It
Rusty says
What do I do when my dog pushes my buttons? Several things, some of them I got from your books that I’ve read. Give him “the look” making sure to make substantial eye contact. Grumble & growl about it. Also outright ignoring the dog. I’ve learned that body language speaks volumes to dogs (& animals in general). Totally ignoring him when he comes back to me with head and tail down to apologize is the last thing he wants me to do. This all seems to get my level of displeasure across to him and also makes me feel better too. Helps me think I really AM the Alpha.
Rusty says
An additional thought: my (sheltie) dog is quite responsive also. Maybe its a herd dog thing? If someone yells or swears he’ll go over to that person and stand next to them, staring at them. Its almost as if he’s saying “Everything will be OK, its not going to matter tomorrow so why does it now?” The cognitive abilities of dogs never ceases to amaze me.
Jeanine says
I’m coming into this discussion late, but when I’m really steamed I use a “go on” command to send the offending dog(s) away from me. I have Tervuren and Border Collies and all them want to be close — i.e. I have to move a dog off the bathmat each time I get out of the tub. If they’ve really done something really egregious, I send them off. They hate it; its punishment and I know it, but it gives me and them a couple of minutes to calm down. This is different from when I just need them out of the way for something and shut them in another room for a bit or put them in downs (on the sofa sometimes) and they recognize the difference. But I also use the happy voice saying mean words, mostly when I’ve once again mis-handled a sequence in agility and want to kick myself but not affect my dogs for going exactly where I unintentionally told them to go.
Lisa says
I had to laugh when I read this because I do the exact same thing that you do! I came home and found my curtain sheers ripped across the middle. I knew it was my Golden (Noraa) because despite her years of training she gets so excited when she sees me outside that she does a full body wag and puts her front paws up on the door or the window. She never does this when I’m inside the house because she knows better but she thinks that if I’m outside, I can’t hear her paws on the door or the window. Anyway, when I came in I wanted to explode but knew that she had no idea what she had done. Instead when she came over to me for her greeting doing her tail wag that began at her shoulders I exclaimed “Hi, sh**-head! You really destroyed my curtains and I kind of want to scream at you right now but you would have nooooo idea what I would be yelling about so I’m just going to smile and pet you!” This was in my best sing-song voice, of course, but my sister-in-law was pretty taken aback. She had never heard me utter one bad word about my dogs. She looked a little disgusted until I assured her that the dogs don’t really understand English too well and for all Noraa knew I just called her the Queen of Shiba! I felt better being able to voice my anger π
Jenell Larson says
Regarding Will’s “Touch” and “High Five” issues, I use a closed fist for high five and an open palm for touch. My 11 mo. old Lhasa never gets confused about that. But, verbal cues are something else altogether. She doesn’t seem to understand them at all, no matter how many times she can do a particular trick. I need to be trained to be careful with visual cues. I think I can just abandon words. Maybe, I should just pretend she’s deaf (she most definitely is not) and concentrate on visual.