I spent three years writing The Education of Will before deciding that I would go ahead and publish it. I wrote and wrote and wrote for myself, as a well-documented way to resolve baggage from my past and move on. I had wanted to try writing fiction, but got discouraged by editors and agents who said, “Well, that’s a very difficult world to enter; every week publishers are blasted with a fire hose of works from hopeful fiction writers. Why don’t you write a memoir?” I had no plans or interest at that time to write a memoir (don’t you have to be, ahem, older?), but I was also working with a brilliant therapist at the time who encouraged me to write about some of the things we were talking about. Not for her, not for anyone else, but just for myself.
Writing is a powerful thing. I often wonder if we humans would be anywhere near where we are today if not for the written language. I’m sure that most of you have noticed that writing something out, anything–from a dog training plan to an entry in your private journal–helps to clarify things. Reading can be equally powerful, and if it wasn’t for the books I am about to mention, I guarantee you I would not have had the courage to write The Education of Will. Here, then, is a testament and a thank you to the authors of the following books, whose wisdom, compassion and courage are an inspiration to us all.
Trauma and Recovery, the Aftermath Violence–From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror, by Judith Herman.
“From shell shock in World War I to childhood sexual abuse today, the reality of trauma has been denied. But as this indispensable book makes clear, ‘Remembering and telling the truth about terrible events are prerequisites both for the restoration of the social order and for the healing of individual victims.’”
—Gloria Steinem, New York Times’ T Magazine
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead, by Brené Brown
”The brilliantly insightful Brené Brown draws upon extensive research and personal experience to explore the paradoxes of courage: we become strong by embracing vulnerability, we dare more greatly when we acknowledge our fear. I can’t stop thinking about this book.” –Gretchen Rubin, New York Times bestselling author
After Silence: Rape and My Journey Back by Nancy Venable Raine.
“After Silence is a book that dignifies the human spirit. It should be read by everyone.”
—New York Times Book Review
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach.
“Radical Acceptance offers gentle wisdom and tender healing, a most excellent medicine for our unworthiness and longing. Breathe, soften, and let these compassionate teachings bless your heart.”
— Jack Kornfield, author of A Path with Heart and After the Ecstasy, the Laundry
It will come as no surprise that merely writing about these books make me nervous. But Dr. Brown gives me the courage to be vulnerable, Dr. Herman the knowledge that truth telling is the key to recovery, Nancy Venable Raine the commitment to have a voice, and Tara Brach the wisdom to accept being afraid.
Here’s my question for you: What book(s) make you stronger, braver, better? I’d love to hear.
Here’s a short excerpt from my own book, which I initially wrote for myself, but finished in the hope that it would help even just one person as much as the books above have helped me:
It took a long time for me to get over the death of Willie’s uncle Luke. He was otherwise brimming with health, exuding a vitality that no dog I’ve had has ever matched. I fought the reality of his untimely death daily for years after he passed away. If only I had figured out why his kidneys were failing. If only I had been a better person, a better dog owner, a better animal behaviorist who knew how to get my dog the best possible medical care.
Luke’s headstone is at the top of the farm road that leads to the pasture high above the farmhouse. It is a rough-hewn slab of granite that sits in the grass where Luke used to wait for me to catch up with him so that we could work sheep together. He would stand on the hill’s rise, silhouetted by the sky, and turn his head to me as I walked up the slope behind him. “Are you coming? Hurry! I see them! They are there, over there. Can I go get them?”
In the years after he died, sometimes I’d sit down beside his grave with no purpose except to be close to what was left of him. One crisp fall day years after his death, when I was still fighting the “if only” battles, I looked at the words engraved on his headstone: “That’ll do, Luke, that’ll do.” These words, in sheepdog speak, tell the dog that his work is done for the day. I put them on the headstone to tell Luke that it was time to let go of his responsibilities. Your work is done now, Luke. That’ll do.
As I sat in the sun and listened to the crickets buzz, I suddenly felt as if Luke were standing behind me. Of course I knew he wasn’t there, but I still felt him standing in the grass, looking at me with his usual bemused expression. The feeling was so strong that I couldn’t resist turning my head to look behind me. There was nothing there but grass and sky. My eyes rested on Luke’s headstone as I turned back around, and I read the words on it as if for the first time: “That’ll do.” Oh. Okay. I stood up and felt layers of guilt shedding off me, as if I had just entered a warm house on a cold day and removed a heavy coat. I let go of my guilt over Luke’s death, as well as much of my guilt over what had happened in my past, and left it lying on my good dog’s grave. It was the last and best gift that Luke ever gave me.
MEANWHILE, back on the farm: Sun, wonderful sun! I’ve been working inside so much, but finally got a chance to be outside in the sun this weekend. Joy…. Couldn’t go out though with out my Stabil-Icers. They are much heavier than Yak Tracks, but those wear down after awhile, and the Stabil-Icers have bolts that can be replaced. I haven’t had them long, but am very glad to have them. (Thank you Renee for telling me about them!)
I just got back this afternoon from a woods walk with the BCs, and they played their usual game of tug once we got out to the pasture. Maggie first looked everywhere for the sheep, but finding none, decided a tug game was better than nothing. (The toy you see is a modified Kong Toy, not designed for two dogs to play tug with. It comes with a round ball on each end, which Maggie once bit off, leaving a ball perfectly designed to get stuck in her throat. So we cut each end off, because the dogs love love love playing tug with it.)
Here’s to the opportunity for all of us to play in the sunshine.
Cathy Warcup says
I can see I may need a box of tissues when I finally read your book.
em says
Oh Trisha, that was beautiful. Even at this grindingly pragmatic hour of the morning, my eyes are misty and my heart welling up at your story. What a tribute to Luke, and what better tribute to any of our departed loved ones than to honor the love they had for US by living in peace.
Erin James says
I think most of us who’ve had a succession of dogs over our lifetimes will connect very strongly with the story of Will. I got goosebumps reading the excerpt, thinking of my fearful boy, Ace. He’s been gone now for a few years but I often still tear up and feel guilty that I didn’t do more with and for him.
I look forward to reading The Education of Will.
Joy Waddington says
All dogs are precious companions and loved, but some have that extra strong bond that never gets broken even through death. I too look forward to reading your book and the courage of vulnerability that it took to write it. Thanks.
Barbara says
I got misty-eyed too. Can’t wait to receive my book.
My beloved horse Fritz whom I had lived with for 22 years, died of colic at the age of 31. He was much too old to survive surgery. He is buried in my field. That was seventeen years ago. Last year I cleaned out the barn and was finally able to let go of his halter. The memories are good enough.
Erin, thanks for writing about feeling guilty after our dogs are gone. I pledge to spend more time with each of my dogs now, giving them individual attention in the way that matters to them.
Tori Beauclaire says
What a lovely tribute to Luke! I’m looking forward to reading your book.
You asked about books. A life changer (and life saver) for me was “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans.
I don’t know how many copies I have purchased over the years. I am a therapist and sometimes give the book to clients who are in abusive situations. They have all been as grateful for it as I am!
STACEY Gehrman says
For over 65 years I have lived with dogs, loved them, trained them, and worked them. I have trained and worked in field work, obedience, conformation,police, SAR including cadaver work, and dabbled in herding (I had gotten too old to move fast). The dogs I owned were all loved and appreciated for themselves but there were so many who stood out for their courage, dedication, humor, and skill. Dogs don’t care if they win but they do care if you are pleased. For their sake and your later piece of mind, always end training or work on a positive note and never let your praise be grudging. If you do your best to observe this caveat you will earn your final “That’ll Do”. And remember, dogs are very forgiving. Love to all.
Christy Paxton says
Okay, you’re already making me cry with just a few paragraphs! I did the same “if only” thing with my Jaspar until I finally could answer back “Ya know, he was 17-plus, you must have done something right.” Darling girl Tawny is around 14 now, and I find myself doing the same thing though with less intensity. Still on the journey…
Everything that happens to us shapes us, so I’ve been able to embrace my entire life now, thorns and all (only took 50 years…). I hope this book has helped you do that too.
BOOKS: Life saver was Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. Life changers are Bones Will Rain From the Sky by Suzanne Clothier, Plenty in Life is Free by Kathy Sdao, and (I promise I am not sucking up) The Other End of the Leash, which I still consider the best training book ever written.
Nicola says
I have been misty eyed or crying reading all of the excerpts so far. Just beautiful and so life affirming.
Trisha, a book called ‘The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma’ by Bessel van der Kolk, helped me begin a journey of healing and self worth. I am still very much on that journey but I found reading this book an extraordinary experience. My experience of coming to terms with trauma was that it was so very hard to articulate the experience and feelings especially when feeling weighed down with shame. It seemed easier to push it all aside even though I now know that just doesn’t work. The emotional scarring is somehow beyond speech if that makes sense. Reading this book helped me feel instantly understood.
I have also read Brene Brown’s book and loved it. Thanks for the other recommendations and I will be sure to check them out.
em says
Oh Trisha, how beautiful that passage is.
em says
Sorry! Hit post on my phone by mistake, but I stand by my doubled comment, since it bears repeating- this promises to be quite the book, and thank you as well for making yourself vulnerable- you should be so proud.
Loving the happy play pictures, too!
Gayla says
I agree with Christy, “Everything that happens to us shapes us.” What fascinates and perplexes me is why some can take the trauma and learn, grow, become more compassionate from having had those experiences, – and others become the mirror image of their tormentors. Maybe it hinges on our capacity for forgiveness…?
Alice R. says
Oh, dear, I’m crying already. Although it’s been 8 years, I still miss my “Will”, a yellow lab named Summer. I am both lucky and unlucky enough to visit with her in the rare dream. Lucky because I can hug her again (and yes, she was one of those dogs that desired it), smell and feel her; unlucky because I wake still feeling her and missing her.
While you are getting all that ice we are having an unbelievable number of days in the fifties to seventies. A bit weird, but I’m really enjoying it.
Ellen Jefferies says
We haven’t had one dog at a time for longer than I can remember, and it makes an interesting difference—we end up with so many more giant holes left in our hearts. Also, when we’ve been foolish enough to keep multiples from the same litter or haven’t spaced our litters far enough apart, the losses feel a lot like the grand canyon. And each loss gets harder. When I get really down in the dumps, I remind myself to not forget that there is going to be hell to pay when we all meet at the rainbow bridge because not a one of them was willing to be anything less than #1 and they all, including the 2 Irish Wolfhounds, thought that the ultimate was to spend the day sitting in our laps.
Eileen says
Reading ‘Bones would rain from the sky’ by Susan Clothier many years ago caused a small but fundamental shift in the way I viewed my relationship with my animals.
My memories of my difficult dog, Brock, who started me on my dog training journey, will always be tinged with guilt that I didn’t do/know/work hard enough with his issues. Dogs however are not judgemental, and I take comfort in the words of Maya Angelou, ‘When we know better, we do better’.
All my subsequent dogs and fosters and my current dogs (3 of them all 9 + years old – some days it’s like living in a retirement home for dogs!!!) have definitely benefitted from what I learnt with Brock.
Thank you for another thoughtful article
Diane mader says
Patricia, this is wonderful. Our loved ones teach us as long as we live, don’t they? I, by the way, believe Luke was standing behind you that day.
Many books have supported my life journey. Brene Brown iis a wonderful writer. “Believe” by Buck Brannaman has been meaningful to me.
Judy says
The Grace in Dying. Kathleen Dowling Singh
Margie Hillenbrand says
Grateful for all the books you’ve written and your blog. Can’t wait to read this one! Our last dog used to sleep on the floor by the bed. We tried not to step on her in the dark. After she passed, there were moments when the only way to describe it … she was still there.
Micaela says
I was just reading your book , the other end of the leash and Luke was frequently mentioned in the book . It’s very sad to find out that Luke has passed on and I teared up when I read your article .
I can’t wait to read your memoir when it is out in Australia , it’s because of you (and my dogs) that I am now taking a course to become an companion animal trainer. My shiba Inu have got terrible anxiety issues and I used to use ‘correction’ method / ‘alpha roll’ method to “train” him . And it’s your book that taught me that all those methods were wrong and positive training is the best training Since then ,I have seek profession positive training dog-trainer help and further develop my knowledge in the field of positive dog training.
Thank you for inspiring me!
Heather says
I’m late for work, sitting here with tears streaming down my face because I understand your emotions so completely. I lost my beloved and devoted diabetic alert service dog Herbert on February 10, 2016. His ashes are on a high shelf next to me and not a day goes by I don’t think of him. It still hurts.
As for books that have helped me, this may seem an odd suggestion (juvenile fiction) but they were wonderful when I was a teenager and I still re-read them as an adult.
Author: Tamora Pierce
Series: The Alanna books, the Wildmage books, and the Protector of the Small books.
LisaW says
My Luke was named Sadie, and she was the only dog I have had to put down that let me know she was ready and it was absolutely time. She was as generous in death as she was in life. I still feel guilty over a few things she had to endure in her time with us (young, twenty-something, poor-choice things). But, she is why I have the dogs I do today — she left me encouraged by the success of my encounters with dogs. She did that, and I’ll be forever grateful.
The first book that left an indelible mark on me was Claude Brown’s “Manchild in a Promised Land.” I read it in my teens, and it opened wide this white, suburban, middle-class kid’s eyes to our systems of racial injustice. What a powerful story.
Julia says
Not so much about trauma, but rather for those moments when you need energy to stand up and get going again: Beryl Markham’s ‘West with the Night’. At least that is what it does to me, while at the same time being a beautifully written memoir of an animal-lover and adventurer.
Last year my best cow-friend passed away, much too early. She was not ‘my’ cow, and I at that point wasn’t even living at the farm where she lived anymore, but for a long time I had the feeling that I failed her. It’s ok now, but the wish that sometimes you could do more and better remains.
Julia says
hmmm.. not sure how that got there… ‘your comment is awaiting moderation’ …
must be a hint of some sort 😉
Trisha says
Thank you all so much for your encouragement and good ideas. Nicola, “The Body Keeps Score” is brilliant, isn’t it? Thanks for reminding me how useful it was.
To Julie: Ha! No comment about your comment, just the usual notice that all comments on the blog are moderated (by yours truly). It’s not often that I don’t post a comment, but the spam that comes in is hysterical. I should post some of it sometime. (“I will be accessing your feed with great gusto every minute!”) Now, to your real comment: I LOVED ‘West with the Night!’ And I am so sorry about your cow-friend. I love how you described her.
Eeps, I wanted to write more, but just looked at the clock. Paddling as fast as I can this week, but still sinking. Gotta go, but thanks to all for your comments, music to my ears.
Christine Bandy says
You are so brave.
Thank you for sharing this with us, and thank you in advance for your book. I imagine it was not easy to write for many reasons.
Mireille says
Hi Trisha. The excerpt form your book made my eyes brim with tears and almost took my breath away. Since I have experienced something quite similar with both my grandfather and my previous dog Janouk. And a very wise person told me, if aknowledging that your dog is still with you in spirit, makes you feel better, than don’t deny it. Believe it, since it will give you strength. And it does: it makes me feel less alone.
And the books that gave me strength in my burnout and the way up?
The body keeps the score – by Bessel van der Kolk. A book about trauma and healing, which gave me a lot of insight in both my fathers’ and my own pain.
And yes, Brene Brown: The gift of imperfection, Daring greatly and Rising strong. Which set me on the path of both loving and being myself – and I hope in rising to my full strength again. I just keep reading them…
Thank you, Trisha, for being here and sharing with us. “big hug from the other side of the ocean”. But hey, you have always been caring and compassionate in your books, for us struggling dog owners. I hope you have learned to show that same compassion to yourself, because you deserve that. Looking forward very very much too reading your book, which will undoubtably be another source of inspiration for me.
lee says
Received my copy yesterday! I’ll be house-ridden for a week starting TH so am saving it to read then and will order the audio version today.
I’m so happy you’re on Twitter! I love the photos and videos! My favorite to date is “Go to the barn.” It brought back happy memories of my (fearful) love bug, male BC who did everything lightening-fast. He was quite the mama’s boy, a velcro dog who would drop instantly at “down!” as he was quickly catching up to a fleeing critter. But if he saw sheep he was all BC, forgetting that he lived to please me. Haha!
My total heart dog, female BC was pure grace and intellect, who showed care for the animals she was herding and would save her energy to run full speed only in times of a true emergency. (:
They lived to be 14 and 15. It’s been 5.5 and 2.5 years since we said good-bye to them. The sorrow is still great. My heart can’t bear the sadness of seeing their bodies start fail, and their eyes and sadness when they know their bodies aren’t working. When reading the excerpt about Luke, tears started at “if…” and sobs by the end.
This short song/video says so much about dogs and their love for us. My only question to God is why make a creature so loving toward us and then give them such short lives.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H17edn_RZoY
I live vicariously through others and their precious ones, so please do post more on twitter! (:
Thank you for all that you do….for people and dogs.
lw