Here’s the latest on Hope and Willie: Both Willie and Hope continued to be “spooky” to all number of things. This occurred both on and off the farm, and to all sorts of sights and sounds. Willie began high-arousal barking and lunging to other dogs when on leash, and off leash he growled and tooth displayed at familiar dogs he’s been fine with for years. He backed away, ears flat and commissure retracted, to men he’s known and loved for years. Hope growled, barked and lunged at dogs, strange shapes and heaven only knows what else. Out of the blue, at least to us, one of the dogs would run charging toward the window that overlooks the driveway, making low, growly barks, hackles up, and set the other off to do the same.
It was simple, in a way. Both dogs were insecure in their current environment, and were setting each other off. It’s all fine to say that we humans need our dogs to look to us for direction and security, but no one talks ‘dog’ more clearly than another dog, and Willie and Hope were both increasing each other’s insecurities. The irony was painful, because their relationship was improving in many ways. They played “tooth fencing/wrestle play” beautifully in the house, and Willie was just, finally, beginning to stop being such a victim when Hope bullied him in the house. Hope still would growl, lunge and bite at Willie’s shoulders as they moved to the door, for example, and Willie often responded by tongue flicking and dropping his head, but in other contexts Willie would discipline Hope for some perceived rudeness with an inhibited muzzle bite.
As I would with a client’s dog, I sat down and considered the options:
I. Do nothing and hope that the dogs would come out of it. In Hope’s case, it is true that some dogs seem to come out of what I call Juvenile Onset Shyness by themselves, but lots of dogs don’t, and in my experience, it is crucial with most dogs to actively help them through this stage with environmental management and behavior modification. As a four year old, Willie’s background level of being an inherently anxious dog meant he would most likely regress to his previous behaviors of serious aggression to unfamiliar dogs, and further degrade into being at least fearful, if not problematic, around unfamiliar people.
Probability of success: Small to Zero.
II. Actively treat both dogs with environmental management and behavior modification. That would include:
1) Full health checks, although a medical cause of this behavior was highly unlikely, it is still always good to check.
2) Physical support from Chinese Medicine, Vet Acupuncture, possible inclusion of pheromones (DAP for example) and scents (lavender for example) and homeopathic medicines (Willie is already on Shen Calmer, possibly add that to Hope’s diet as well?). Also included is diet, specifically the amount of grain and the protein source. In addition, Hope could not drink the well water from the farm without developing crystals in his urine, so he drank distilled water that we had to purchase. No chance of any improvement there.
3. Stimulus Management: Take dogs off the farm separately, so they don’t set each off and I could work with each of them by one on one. This is no problem when leaving the farm, but doesn’t solve their behavior at home.
4. Behavior modification: Use Operant and Classical Conditioning to condition the dogs to have a different emotional (classical) and behavioral (operant) reaction to the stimuli that are setting them off. For Willie I would continue going back to what worked in the past around unfamiliar dogs: Start by saying “Watch” which he knows means to look at me, whenever another dog appeared. When he turned to face me, he got to play a rousing game of tug. That reinforced him for looking away from the other dog in many ways–he got to play a favorite game and the tug game allowed him to release pent up tension. The goal was to get him to “AutoWatch,” or look at me automatically when he saw another dog, and then he’d get a game of tug. That not only taught him a behavior incompatible with barking and lunging, it classically conditioned him to feel good when another dog approached. For unfamiliar men, I’d have them toss toys or balls for him (can’t train other dogs to do that or I’d use it with other dogs!), conditioning him to love it when men approach.
For Hope, who spooked mostly at strange shapes (but that included a woman carrying a small bag while walking a small dog), I have been teaching “What’s That?” The meaning of that cue is to look at something, turn and get a treat or a toy. (Treats seemed to work better with Hope than play, so I began using them more often–every dog is different.). This works well if you can anticipate what stimulus sets off the dog, but is harder if you don’t know what the dog is responding to.
5. Lots more training… of course, always more training! Willie was taught to bow on cue, and it’s a great way to help him relax when he is nervous. (He does it himself often now, I suspect he uses it as way of relieving stress himself.) All dogs profit, as do their owners, by having lots of behaviors that they can perform that relax them, that are incompatible with the ‘problem’ behavior. Play bows are one of my favorites, because they not only relax the dog they often act to relax other dogs (people too.) The list of behaviors that are helpful to put on cue goes on, but you get the idea.
Probability of success? 70/30? 60/40? 50/50? Given the seriousness of Willie’s insecurities, it’s hard to say. Probably couldn’t make a good judgment about prognosis until about 4 to 6 months into treatment and Hope is older.
III. Re-home one of the dogs. Given that the insecurities of both dogs appear to be feeding off of each other, the last reasonable option is to re-home one of the dogs. I’ve re-homed 2 dogs in the past 25 years, always because I felt it was in the best interest of the dog. Every time it was brutally hard on me for a while, and every time the dog was better off for it. Here’s my criteria for doing so that I shared with clients for over 22 years: the new home has to be better than the home the dog is in now. Period. Pure and simple. (Of course, if one dog is putting others, either people or dogs, at risk, the criteria must be considered differently.) In each case, you have to carefully consider which dog would be better off in a new home; in some cases the answer is simple, in multi-dog households it can be more difficult. In the case of Willie and Hope, which dog to re-home would be simple. Willie is over 4 years old, I have moved heaven and earth to keep him alive and happy, I am bound to him as if he were a part of me, and my first commitment is to him. Hope is not even 6 months old, is a much sounder dog than Willie will ever be, and would be a much easier dog to place than Willie for a gazillion reasons.
Probability of success? 95 to 100 % if it was the perfect home, but where would one find that? How could you know what’s “perfect?” My heart goes out to those of you who commented that you have a dog you think is in the wrong place, but can’t imagine where the dog would go. It’s not always easy, I know. Because I have had Hope long enough now to know him well, in his case it would have to be a home in which he 1) lived in a settled group of dogs in which he could play with the young ones, learn boundaries from the elders and feel secure in a home with trustworthy people and dogs, 2) live in the house with people who are kind, clear, patient, humane and who would give him the kind of health care that, frankly, few dogs get and 3) once he is ready, work sheep on a daily basis with people who know what they are doing, who use humane versions of training and take learning how to do it well seriously.
I’ve been working on Option 2 diligently, wrapping my life around it, and then, like a karmic piece of toast, the perfect home for Hope popped into our lives. A home with a settled pack of 6 dogs–a puppy his age to play with, elder males and females to provide boundaries and security. A kind, loving home, in which the dogs sleep on the couch, get home cooked food and cutting edge health care. A farm in the country with sheep and people who devote their lives to working dogs, going to clinics, herding dog trials, taking private herding lessons from the best in the country. The dogs get far more work on sheep than one of my dogs ever would, at least until I can afford to retire, which isn’t going to be for awhile.
That’s where Hope is now. He’s been there awhile, long enough to know he’s thriving there. Willie not only went back to his old self in 24 hours, he has never been happier. Recently we were out walking on leash at a public park, he saw another dog, did a loose body wag, turned and looked at me, mouth open and relaxed, and turned back to the other dog as if he’d love to say hi. He is back to loving everyone, unfamiliar men included. Never once did he look for Hope, or act in any visible way that he wondered where he was or wanted him back. (But of course, who knows what he was thinking? Did he wonder where Hope went? If he did, he certainly showed no signs of it.) He has been happy and playful and relaxed at home and everywhere else. He is no longer licking his paws, alarm barking at the slightest noise or tongue flicking.
By all accounts, Hope is happier than he’s ever been. He plays with a five-month old female pup much of the day, has been corrected for rudeness a few times by his elders and is now on his best behavior. He is behaving beautifully around all people and all dogs, has never yet had a house training “accident” in the house (he did relatively often at our house and I suspect now it was as much about anxiety as anything else). He has “spooked” at one thing, one time, and nothing else. He fit in the day he moved in, and it sounds like he has never been happier. His new humans adore him, are eternally grateful for all of his training and socializing, and say he acts like he’s been there all of his life.
And so, the dogs are doing great. I don’t need to tell you who this has been hard on. I won’t belabor it, but what’s called “Separation Distress” in animals is the same thing we call grieving, and it’s recorded in a primitive part of your brain as if it were a serious, painful injury. (That’s why we talk about “healing” from the death of a loved one.) Willie and Hope have shown no signs of it; they appear to be happier than before. It’s the humans who are suffering. The first three days after Hope left were brutal, even though I knew it was better for both him and Willie. I gave up trying to do any work at all one day, just let myself give in to the sadness and the feeling of loss. It’s better now, but I look forward to the day when it still doesn’t feel quite so raw. One of my few regrets is knowing that, to a lesser extent, this news will be a bit hard on some of you who have followed Hope’s story with me throughout the summer. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make this change as easy for the humans as it has been for the dogs, but I can’t.
I knew it would be hard personally, and I knew it would be made even harder because of the public nature of this decision, and because some people will criticize me for it. But here was my choice: send Hope to a better home with the highest of all probabilities that it would be better for him and Willie both, or keep Hope because I loved him too much to let him go, or because I didn’t want to lose professional credibility with the people who believe that if I was good enough I would have ‘fixed it,’ or that it is never acceptable to re-home a dog, no matter what the circumstances. I can be a real coward sometimes, but I couldn’t live with myself if I passed up the best solution for two wonderful dogs because I was afraid of what people would say. This is a good place, however, to thank all of you who have been supportive during this process; there have been a lot of you, and I am forever grateful to you. Truly. Thank you.
As you can imagine, there was a lot of talking and soul searching before this decision was made. I talked to numerous other behaviorists and shelter/rescue experts–the list of people I consulted would drive a seminar host mad with envy. The consensus was clear: it ranged from “Of course that is the right thing to do” to “Why didn’t you do it sooner?” Most of our discussions ended up asking what we could do to help people understand that sometimes the kindest thing you can do for a dog is to get him out of one situation and help to find a place in which he will thrive.
A word of caution: Please don’t try to generalize this situation too much to any other. It concerns me that someone might read about the solution I have chosen and decide then that they should do the same. Every situation is different. If the perfect home hadn’t arisen for Hope, I never would have made that choice. What I will say to those of you who are struggling with this, based on 22 + years of working with clients, is that IF you have a situation in your home that is truly untenable, don’t assume that there isn’t either 1) help from someone to improve the problem or 2) another good home out there somewhere for one of your dogs. I have had clients work with trainers and behaviorists and end up resolving problems that they initially thought were unsolvable. I have had other clients who choose to re-home dogs with a variety of serious behavioral problems, and in many cases, the problems either went away, or the new owners managed the issues without any disruption to their lives.
Bottom line? There will always be Hope… sometimes it just lives in unexpected places.
MEANWHILE, back on the farm: The sheep still need feeding, the water tanks filled. Willie has just brought the flock out of the main pasture, through the woods, for their afternoon snack. The ewes get a little bit of alfalfa hay, and the lambs luxuriate with their noses deep in a mixture of corn, oats and a protein balance pellet. The lambs stopped growing for awhile when it was so hot, but they are doing well now.
Here’s a photo showing how big some of them are now. Hard to tell a few of the biggest from their mommas.
Here’s Snickers and one of her lambs, looking through a window in the barn. Is dinner ready yet?
It is very quiet here, but Willie is very, very happy, and that is a good thing.
Kathy says
Well-explained and obviously well-considered, Trisha! And clearly the best choice for all involved. I hope you don’t see this (agonizing) decision as “giving UP”–instead, it’s giving EVERYONE the best shot at a lasting happiness.
mungobrick says
Trish, you so obviously made the RIGHT decision. It really sounds like fate that the perfect home appeared for Hope. I’m so glad he’s happy and that Will has gone back to his old self – if you ever doubt you made the right decision, just look at Will, he’ll tell you! Heartbreaking for you to lose Hope after all you’ve done with him, but knowing how happy both dogs now are has to be a huge comfort to you.
Surely part of being an expert has to be knowing when to make difficult decisions, and to make them in the best interests of the dogs involved. Those are two very fortunate dogs to have you on their side.
(((hugs))), I can imagine how sad you’re feeling…but you did good!!
lin says
Trisha, you did a brave and selfless thing. It was karmic that Hope’s new home appeared when it did.
And if, for your next dog, you decide not to make a peep about it on your blog until the new one has been settled in for a good long while, I wouldn’t blame you. 😉
Your ‘bottom line’ line was perfect.
Melanie S says
THANK-YOU for sharing all of that Trisha, and thank-you for explaining it in so much detail so that we can see how and why you came to the best decision for your situation.
Hurray for Will and Hope!! And hurray for you!
My hope for you is that the knowledge you’ve made the right decision will be the balm that soothes your grief (not bypasses it, mind, but soothes it), and that Willie’s return to happiness will be your daily joy.
Warm regards, Melanie
SJS says
Thank you for sharing your decision with us. I’m glad to hear that the situation was resolved so well.
Claire S. says
Thanks so much for being open enough to share all this with us. It’s SO helpful, maybe not now, maybe not me, but SOMEONE will need to hear these words sometime. And you are right, the dogs are NOT suffering! It’s the people.
Maybe Willie doesn’t NEED another dog? Maybe just people are good enough for him?
Tracy says
How wonderful for Willie and Hope, and how awfully sad for you. I have never rehomed a dog, although in retrospect, there was one instance in which I should have, and I can’t imagine how hard it is. Your post says it all without saying it: you did the best thing for both dogs, and that’s what’s of monumental importance. I can’t imagine anyone who’s read this blog or any of your books could criticize you for it. Your love for your dogs (and everyone else’s!) is palpable always, and just because many regard you as an expert, you can’t be perfect. (And we kind of love you because you aren’t!) Your dogs are noticeably happier in the current situation. Period. May your heart heal well knowing that, and I hope you have many lovely visits with a thriving Hope.
Lucent Imagery says
This is the first time I’ve commented on your blog although I’ve read it for a very long time. I have tremendous respect for you in giving it all that you had. I agree with Kathy… I hope you don’t see it as giving up. I just want to say that I think you have made the right decision and I am so glad to hear that both Hope and Willie are happy. You are selfless for giving them both what they needed.
Kat says
From the speed with which Will and Hope adjusted to the change and exhibited marked improvement it’s clear you did exactly the right thing! Too bad what’s best for the dogs has to be so hard on their humans. In many ways it must be similar to raising a child and then watching them go off to college and a life of their own (I have a 17 year old so I’m looking at that prospect soon). You know you gave them the best possible start but they aren’t really yours anymore. Sorry, enough of my rambling. Just good for you and thanks for your courage.
Sharon Baron says
Ah, Trisha. I am sorry this happened but not so surprised. I’m really glad for the dogs – the change in Will’s behavior must help in reinforcing that difficult decision for you. It’s unfortunate that some people will criticize you for this. I think you did the right thing.
Sharon says
Thank you for sharing your experience with Hope. How wonderful for this home to open up for him and that Willie has returned to his old self. Love reading your blog and enjoy your insights and life on the farm!
Nan-c says
WOO HOO, good for YOU! I’m shy about speaking out, even in e-mail but just HAD to add my congratulations as well as condolences for what was of course a heart-wrenching decision but so, so right! Will and Hope have said as much.
You and your (former) Dog’s Best Friend Training training business, your books, your DVD’s, have helped me immeasurably with my dogs in the past and present. Sharing your trials and tribulations is always a comfort to me too, thank you. So many people stand with you, looming over those who don’t get it. I hope that image gives you some comfort.
Jenny says
Bravo! It is always nice to read a happy ending, even if it isn’t the one people typically think of. Humans are inherently selfish, and to follow your struggle and see that your dogs remain your primary focus has been quite refreshing. Willie is happy and Hope is happy; their needs are met and then some. Its the primates that require more time to accept the change 😀 Stay strong and keep busy- you made the right decision!
Angel says
Trisha, thank you so much for sharing your life here with us. I admit that while reading the paragraph beginning “I
Kathy says
It might sound a little superficial, but congratulations on finding such a wonderful home for Hope. I learn so much from reading your blog and wish you the best. My opinion is not very professional, but my heart says you did the right thing.
Holly says
Trish, considering Will’s sensitivity to the two puppies you did bring home….and adding in the consideration that you expressed about wanting/wishing for a second dog, how will you do this? Or will you make yourself content with just one? This is neither criticism for placing Hope, it is simply an observation and question. If Will is not going to be the herder you are looking for, how will you find a dog who is both a good match for him, and a good match for you?
Marguerite says
Thanks, Trish. I’m glad things eventually resolved and both dogs are now happy. Talented as you are, I don’t think you could have “fixed” it and were wise to put the dogs’ needs first.
Adria says
Thank you for sharing this journey with us… It’s made me really look at my dogs in a new way. My 2y10m reactive BC mix has been doing so well with all of her training, but it is really interesting watching as her relationship develops with our 1y6m beagle mix. What I’ve realized in reading these posts throughout the summer is that we got very, very lucky with our little beagle mix. As an adolescent she is turning into a supremely confident female with excellent “dog” skills. Her role in our little family pack is clearly starting to change in respect to our older dog, and they both seem totally fine with that. Her confidence is helping our older dog’s anxiety rather than provoking it. When she was a puppy and our older dog always seemed to want to watch out for her it was much more difficult. Having read your posts, it scares me to think what could have developed in their relationship and the heightening of Beskow’s anxiety had she turned out to be anxious/insecure as well. So- THANK YOU- again. For both the story and the happy ending (well, for the dogs… 🙂 )… and for helping me appreciate my adolescent puppies in a whole new way.
Another Kate says
I like to hear how people, especially people who know what they’re doing, go through big decisions in a world that’s never black and white. No decision is right for all situations, but in this case, you made the exact right one for the majority of your family. Thank you for having the courage to talk about it here.
Alexandra says
I’ve read your books and articles for a couple of years now, and I absolutely trust that you made the right decision. My heart goes out to you; doing the right thing isn’t easy sometimes but it seems very clear that you did the right thing. Maybe the universe is telling you that Willie needs to be an only dog for a while, and maybe you’ll get some karmic payback and the right canine housemate will come along when the time is right.
Pamela says
What a hard decision for you to make. I’m sorry for your grief. But your criterion for rehoming a dog sounds like the way I define love: wanting what’s good for another more than what’s good for yourself.
I’m thrilled to hear that Will is back to his happy self and that Hope ended in such a great home.
Thank you for being so generous with us in sharing.
Rose T. says
Trisha, what a tough, selfless decision for you to make – I’m sure it was difficult. Thank you for so artfully explaining in detail the process you went through and the things you considered prior to re-homing Hope.
It’s helpful for us to know that even experts have hard decisions to make regarding their companions just like the rest of us.
*hugs*
Rose
Mimi says
In my opinion, big decisions are ALWAYS hard decisions, and it’s obvious how much thought and heart went into yours. I hope the benefits that come from this decision will continue to show themselves to you each day.
Jennifer Hamilton says
I’ve rehomed two dogs over my lifetime. Both were much happier and better off in their new environment. I still cry when I think of those two dogs, but I take comfort in knowing that I loved them enough to give them what they needed, despite my own intense feelings of loss. Sounds like you made the most loving decision anyone could.
Mary says
So glad both dogs are doing well and are happy now! Such a tough situation…you obviously love Willie very much to give up a dog with such potential…and Hope is happier now too! Lots of love to you for the courage to do the right thing.
LynnSusan says
Trisha,
I’m proud of you—for so many reasons,but mostly because this decision was the right one. In this case,it was for the love of two dogs.
LynnSusan & Gracie
Cindy M says
Your explanation of the process will prove helpful and educational to many (humans). May you find that consoling. Sometimes the most courageous choice is to go with the path of least resistance. The animals never lie. We just have to pay attention to the details. Sometimes I think they are part of our lives to show us that very lesson.
Karen says
I am so very thankful for your honesty and transparency on this post as well as throughout your whole blog. It’s such a gift and makes me feel as if we’ve sat down, had coffee together and had a wonderfully stimulating and fulfilling talk. I really value hearing how you move through your training, decisions and thought processes. My heart goes out to you, Willie and Hope-both the sweet and the bitter. Congratulations on finding the best possible solution for Willie and Hope while keeping their happiness and well-being the focus of the whole journey. Kindest regards-
Darin says
So, so brave of you to do this. Thank you for having the courage, not only to do the right thing, but tell us about it! If only doing the right thing and the easy thing were more often the same thing.
This post made me cry, both because I was happy for the boys, and profoundly sad for you.
*hugs* to you all.
Melissa says
Well, for what it’s worth, sounds like things could not have turned out better. Your description of Willie’s behaviour after Hope had left reminded me of my younger dog when my older dog was PTS. My old girl had become quite unpleasant for a gentle, intensely social young dog to live with. I sent my younger dog to stay with my parents for a week so I could see how my older dog was without the young dog. She was much happier, but still in more pain than I felt was fair for her to suffer through. My younger dog came back to us when the old girl was gone and it was honestly a relief. He could finally walk through our house and sleep where he wanted to sleep without fearing a reprimand. A couple of months later we got a puppy and he was over the moon. They are best pals. There is nothing sweeter than two dogs that love being together! I spend a lot of time smiling at them. Even when they have arguments it’s usually a “slap fight” where they’ll bite each other just hard enough to be annoying.
Do you think you will try again some time? Sometimes I think it’s worth persisting to find the right companion and sometimes it’s not. I am on my third rabbit friend for my hare. The first one lasted 2 weeks and ended in the bunny being rehomed. I have since seen her as an adult and she is very happy. The second one lasted 6 months and would have lasted many years if the bunny had not tragically contracted myxo and had to be euthanised. The current one did not work out as a good friend for my hare, but she worked out as a good friend for us and the hare has gone on to be a solitary creature as he would be in the wild now that he’s a mature male. He still has the odd kiss for his human mum, though. 😉 I have been tempted to get a friend for the rabbit, but, well, it has to end somewhere!
Pike says
Wow – that must have been hard! Especially during the first few days before it became clear that were working out very well for both dogs.
Life with others – people or animals – is always a risk and and I am glad that you tried so very hard to make it work but also that the right home popped up when most needed.
Thank you for sharing this difficult journey.
Sending you many healing thoughts…
matthew says
I would like to thank you for sharing your journey with Hope and Willie. I wish there was some magic word to help with the sadness of having to re home Hope.
You made a hard decision, one I hope I never have to make. But having followed your journey with Hope and Willie I have much better idea what goes into such a decision should I ever have to face/consider re homing.
In fact, someone making this very decision is how I became a first time dog owner. In my dog’s case, his previous family could no longer provide him what he needed. Though they left a few details out, and having never had a dog before, I didn’t know to ask. My “bundle” of joy came with a bundle of issues.
Your open and honest disclosure of your ups, downs with your dogs has been immensely helpful in keeping me inspired to continue to tackle my dogs issues. Not to mention help learn how to address them.
So, again thank you for your openness and honesty, for me it’s what give you your credibility.
Joanna says
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Trish. The care you gave Hope was admirable. I am glad that he and Willie are doing well, and I hope the day comes soon when you can look back on this saga without sadness or regret.
Frances says
I am so glad you have found the perfect solution for Will and Hope – it sounds as if your decision was immediately vindicated by the way they both relaxed and started really enjoying life again. Very hard for you, but then decisions made out of love for others so often can be.
Like Holly, I wonder what this means for your plans for a multi dog household. It seems clear that coping with Will’s insecurities is a great deal to ask from an inexperienced pup – and perhaps the puppy that was laid back enough to cope would lack the drive to work sheep. I know many people yearn for a second – or third – dog, often when the situation with the first dog is not ideal, and they may end up facing many of the issues you have described. Thank you for sharing your experiences, no matter how difficult – it is hugely helpful for us less experienced dog owners.
I, too, am one of the fortunate ones (so far, at least!). My papillon has been an excellent role model for her younger poodle “sister”, and, with careful socialisation, my poodle is gaining in confidence. A small part of it was good judgement – I did think hard about the sort of dogs that would be happy living the life I lead, and put a lot of time into socialising them as pups – but a lot of it has been luck, in getting two young dogs that get on well together. I think that is the conundrum – how do you find a second dog that both you and your first dog will love – especially if you have a “special needs” dog like Will?
Jackie says
I have long realised that our own dog would have done much better rehomed by someone else but for various reasons that isn’t possible, we just have to muddle through the best we can. So I really, really understand your brave decision to make both dogs happier at whatever cost to yourself.
kat says
I think you have done completely the right thing. As I started reading this post I was already thinking about how I could comment that I would rehome – it’s easier said than done but putting yourself aside that was the right thing for these two. I think you also made the right decision to blog after the event. You need to listen to your own experience and heart in these situations and other peoples opinions should not rule that.
This is the main reason I would never get another dog. Dogs learn from dogs, I would have to get an older already bomb-proof dog. Getting a puppy wouldn’t work as that puppy would learn all of Frankies insecurities. I think it works for humans to. I’m sure if I was more level headed Frankie wouldn’t be as much the way he is.
Susan Mann says
Thank you for sharing this hard decision. I had a pointer mix years ago (Scout) who I thought would be better off with a family with more structure (I worked night shifts, sometimes 8 hours, sometimes 12, varying days, and am single with no one else living in the house) as he was very insecure with changes in routine (took me a long time to figure it out, too!) and was spooky about a lot of things to begin with. I looked, but never did find that home. When he died, the other dogs in the household, and especially my oldest, Pepper, seemed to breathe a collective sigh of relief, and became much more relaxed about a number of things, less stressed overall, and Pepper became positively bouncy, whereas before he had seemed very serious.
Heidi Meinzer says
So glad the dogs are thriving! That, in the end, was your goal — despite the awful emotional roller coaster for you. But kudos to you for realizing the selfless path and taking advantage of the perfect opportunity for Hope. No one could legitimately criticize you for your decision, especially considering how Will and Hope are doing now. That Will bounced back that quickly, and that Hope has settled in so well, just goes to show you undoubtedly made the right choice. Here’s to you, Will and Hope! Thank you once again for sharing.
Bandb says
I think the moment to decide to rehome another dog is when you recognize and admit that you are unable to bond with that dog as well as you have with your others.
My first attempt to find a companion for Barney did not work well. I found it impossible not to see her through the filter of what I believed he was feeling. As games turned to real spars, him screaming her persisting, as the list of what she found offensive in him grew longer and what she felt entitled to take from him enlarged, till he became reluctant to be in the house with her, worried and scared by her presence, but still attempting to be friends when outside ,I found it less and less easy for me to form a bond with her.
Many people advised me to press on and because she was a rescue dog I felt doubly, trebly that I must make the most of the situation and hope that matters could be resolved. I sought advice and followed it but….
It became apparent that she had had many previous fights with dogs as her skin bore the scars. Her past had been dreadful, she was branded literally, and I so wanted to make things perfect. But nagging away was my own falling out of love with her.
I returned her with the support of the rescue and her future was looking bleak as she began to to attack each of her fosterer’s nine dogs. Eventually she was rehomed again to a dog trainer and as far as I was told she settled down in more experienced hands than mine with an older female collie to keep her in line and teach her.
After we returned her Barney came home, looked at his bed from which she had ousted him, sighed and lay down and slept solidly for nearly 2 days
Sometime he spots a saluki in the distance and I think he hopes it is her, but her as she was in the first few days when he and I were smitten.
Millie says
You did the right thing. You can’t control what people think, your family come first. The homeopathic medicine, Shen Calmer, is this like Rescue Remedy?
Michelle says
I cannot imagine how difficult this decision must have been for you! I’m glad you were able to step back, assess the situation, and decide on the best course of action. Sometimes, sadly, the best thing we can do for a dog is to rehome it. This was obviously a wonderful decision as both Hope and Will are both doing so much better.
Thank you f or sharing this journey with us.
Sharon Concannon says
Well-done, and well-written. I have learned so much from you this summer, about dogs, humans, and our oh-so-complex relationships. Your sadness is a tribute to a great dog, so embrace it as long as you need to. You already have your consolation – two very happy dogs. Bravo.
Krista says
I have felt for you during this whole process. It must have been especially difficult to have it play out publicly, and I admire your thoughtfulness, honesty and courage. I think you have made the very best choice, with love and wisdom, for all involved.
Kait B. Roe says
I am so sorry for the pain you went through, and are still going through. But, honestly I am overjoyed that the perfect solution was found and that the dogs are doing so much better. I work in rescue, and our mantra is “it’s all about the dogs, the rest is for the birds” and you clearly did what was right, not what was easy. Bless you all.
Jenn D. says
I think, in light of this being such a public process and decision, the easier way out would have been to keep Hope and continue training him, even after his perfect home came along. You knew you would be opening yourself to criticism for deciding to re-home him, yet you did it any way, because you also knew it was the very best decision for both dogs. That is what makes you amazing. That is what makes you selfless. Will, and Hope, are so lucky to have you.
Posts like this are what makes you my favorite dog go-to person :-). Thank you so much for having the courage to do the right thing, and then sharing it with us.
Angela says
My heart goes out to you for making such a difficult, but compassionate, decision. A couple years ago I made the same choice to rehome a young dog who was unable to cope with our multi-dog household. I was knocking myself out with the environmental management and behavior modification, and felt determined to make it work. Then one day it just hit me like a ton of bricks that this dog could have a normal, happy life in another home, and suddenly it felt selfish for me to be trying to force him into our household. He was a loving, well-behaved dog and he deserved the type of life where he was comfortable. With the breeder’s help, we found the perfect family looking to have a single dog. After his first 24 hours there, they e-mailed me a photo of him in their living room. He already looked more relaxed than he ever had in our house.
Nevertheless, I cried for a full weekend, seemingly non-stop. I felt horrible, felt like an awful dog trainer and dog owner, and was embarrassed by what I still somehow felt was my failure. It was one of the very hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
About a month ago, we were talking to the trainer who had been working closely with us in the midst of things. She asked if we knew how he was doing, and I told her that reports were that he was doing great, the family loved him, and all was going well. She said to me “What a very kind thing you did for him.” Even after almost two years, those words meant so much to me. As painful as it is for us humans, I think it is important to remember that sometimes this is truly the most loving, caring thing we can do for the dogs we love.
trisha says
Ahhhh, thank you all for your kind comments and support. No way around it, it’s been a tough week, and your comments are sincerely appreciated. It’s interesting to me how we can get so attached to a dog in even a short period of time. I had Hope for less than 4 months, and sometimes he drove me crazy (we called him Dennis the Menace), but I adored so much about him. Once he was gone, I expected to feel sad, and I expected Willie to improve, but the intensity of both reactions surprised me. Willie became a different dog, radiating happy-face and joy even when I was going through the worst of it. I appreciate your writing about our own similar stories; I think that reading about all of your experiences is profoundly helpful for people who are, or who might be, in a similar circumstance.
What’s next? Will Willie always be an only dog? Don’t know, too soon to say. I’ll let some time go by before making any decisions, but I suspect that down the road I’ll try fostering as a way of trying to help a needy dog and at the same time learning more about what works, if anything, with Willie’s ‘special needs.’
Michelle L. says
What a courageous and wonderful thing you’ve done for your dogs! I’m so sorry it has to be so painful.
I really appreciate you posting this “journey” and good to hear even a “pro” consults with others when making a difficult decision about a dog!
Trini says
Trisha, thank you for this post. My dog began exhibiting reactive behaviors when my boyfriend’s (insecure and skittish) dog joined our family. I never understood why (my working theory was that he had confirmed her suspicion that she was Queen of the World), but this gives me a new perspective. I wish I had been able to put my finger on this sooner, but I am grateful to have learned something new from you, yet again!
I’m one of the selfish people who wouldn’t be able to rehome the second dog; instead, I’ve asked my dog to adapt to him the best she can. And at this point, rehoming him would essentially mean rehoming the boyfriend as well (though let’s be honest, the thought crosses my mind at times!).
On the other hand, if my baby hadn’t become reactive, I would never have learned so much about dog behavior, and I am eternally grateful for all that you and other positive trainers have taught me. Thank you for that, and for this post in particular.
Anne says
What a great lesson for everyone. I observed my own 3 yr old Havanese Ava, this weekend with a strange dog; this was a large labradoodle (Luke) who turned out to be quiet, playful, well mannered 3 year old. Ava immediately went up to him – which is very unusualfor her with a big dog. She liked him instantly while the fiesty 6 yr old Westie famale was avoided by both dogs. The Westie growled when Ava and Luke would start to play together and they both ignored her. I have learned to appreciate and respect Ava’s instincts on other dogs and people – it continues to amaze me how right she is time after time.
Tania says
Patricia,
What a selfless decision. Interesting this topic came up on your blog at the same time a friend and I were talking about when, if ever, it’s ok to re-home a dog. I appreciate your insights on the topic.
Susan says
Kudos on making such a tough decision. Given the two dogs’ reactions, clearly it was the right one. I appreciate your keeping us posted on the process you have gone through this summer even though it has not been easy. I’m glad Hope and Will are both relaxed again and are enjoying their respective homes.
Jen Gibson says
Ok, so a tissue warning might have been warranted! 🙂
What a tough decision and how well you seemed to make it. Of course it was hard, our tears here proved just how hard it would have been for us; would be for us, if we had to rehome one of our girls, which we’ve had to consider a few times.
And the end result, including your grief, I think, prove that the decision was a good one. We’re all prone to guilt and hurt when things don’t go the way we want them to.
Thank you, Trisha, for your honesty. Thank you for being willing to put yourself out there so we can learn.
Now to train Remy to play bow!
Hugs (and some doggy kisses) from us here in Saskatchewan.
Jennifer says
I’m adding my THANK YOU to being gutsy and sharing your journey, and a big hug too. I’m so so glad to hear that all the wonderful karma you built up stepped in to help out, and thrilled to hear that both Willie and Hope are happy and settled, and most of all that the behavioral stresses that were causing everyone so much worry have improved drastically. I’m sorry to hear that Hope was re-homed, because I can imagine how hard that would be on your family. Kudos to you for having the wisdom and heart to do the right thing for everyone, even though it was tough!
Michy says
There are lots of things I’d like to say, but I am speechless in a way right now (too much going on and too hot!). I just wanted to add my encouraging words to the rest, as I’ve been there with a dog that had to be re-homed. Even ten years later I sometimes grieve the ‘loss’ of one of my dogs, but I *know* I did the best thing for her.
Kudos to you for being able to set aside your own wants to do what is best for Hope and Willie.
Anne says
I just want to say: Thank you!
Four month ago I had to make the same decision, letting my sweet Jolie (very similar
to Willie) go to a better home. I know how hard this decision is, and people who critize
have never been in a situation like this (and I don’t wish them to be because
it’s cruel).
There have been many, many people who have critized me. Calling me a loser,
giving up with her.
I can see her nearly every week and I can say: she’s a different dog now!
I have no regrets! It was the right decision, even if I have lost some “friends”
because of it. Jolie is happy now! She finally lives the life she deserves to live.
It’s hard … it will always be hard … I still miss her so much … as you are missing
Hope … but as long as the dogs are happy now, it’s worth all the grief. :’-(
AnneJ says
I’m right there with you Trisha. I don’t know if you remember my post from a few weeks ago in the hundreds of others, but I had my older female dog Cinder picking on a (slightly) younger female Missy who came here as a 5 year old. I was keeping them separate when I wasn’t there to run interference. It wasn’t that good for any of us. I found a home for my younger female where she will be the only dog, have sheep to herd and a little girl whom she loves (she loves all kids). She left Monday and I think you’re right, it’s mostly hard on the humans. She jumped right in their car and settled in the crate like she was at home there. I feel like I failed her since when I got her I was committed to keeping her forever. But then I think how happy she will be as the center of the attention for her new family.
Karen London says
I truly believe that Hope is where he is supposed to be and that your home was an important part of his journey to get there. The attention, training, and socialization he got with you are all part of the gift you gave him, along with the good-bye. My heart goes out to you as you grieve, but I feel confident you made the right decision. And knowing you did right by Willie and Hope will be more healing than anything else.
Amy W. says
You mentioned that Willie did not look for or grieve Hope. Did he grieve after Lassie passed away?
kate says
Happy endings are my favourite!
A wish I have is for all dogs out there to find a place where all their wonderful qualities shine and they have the support, human and or furry around them to teach them, patient, polite and charming qualities opens the door to unlimited fun, tasty stuff, adventures and cuddles.
I just started teaching puppy socialization classes at a vet office, while working on hours for my cpdt-ka and can’t tell you how wonderful it is to be able to have a venue to teach new puppy owners how to look for furry pals which will help mold their puppy to become benevolent play pals. Also provide the tools to teach humans about which behaviours to reward the heck out of when they supervise their play. The flipside, what to look for to redirect before all heck breaks loose if another pup/ dog isn’t able to address the rude behaviour. (thanks to your Dog Play video and books)
Working on the foster front I have the same opinion about fostering. If they fit in, then by all means I’m happy to have them hang out and learn polite doggie stuff from my dogs and social skills from me, so it can boost their adoptable status, but if the dynamics aren’t right, then I make sure they find a new foster home asap.
They do learn so much from eachother, and if it’s not healthy emotionally and or just a matter of time before they start causing physical damage …what makes dogs so engaging in the first place is their “joie de vie”… whatever my feeling are, that’s where me being selfish ends in knowing that if their spirit suffers so will I.
cheers,
kate
Kelly Elvin says
I am so glad to hear there is a happy ending to this story, even though it is not the ending that you wished for. You only have to look at Willie and Hope now to know in your heart you made the right decision for both dogs.
Reading the thoughtful discussions in your blog and in the comments has been like attending an incredibly in-depth seminar. Thank you for sharing your story and your personal and professional insights, and for letting us accompany you on this journey.
Kristy says
Thank you for posting this! I am so happy for you, Willie and Hope! I am so sorry you had to make such a tough decision though. I am glad it all worked out. You did what was right.
Charlotte says
Hi, Trisha.
I too have read your books and have been reading your blog since January when we got a 7 mos. old female who turned out to have severe separation anxiety and I was researching help from anywhere and everywhere.
My fear too had been questioning were we the best home because she is an only dog here vs. coming from a place with lots of other dogs. After doing everything we could for months, in the end we worked with a veterinarian behavior specialist with more behavior modification exercises and short-term (we hope) medication. She is a happy dog now, who just passed her AKC CGC test! She is such a sweet, mellow, social girl, that I hope to do animal assisted therapy with her.
Anyway, everyone was pushing for us to get another dog, when I started reading about Hope. Your experiences with Hope and Willy made me fearful because of other issues that could surface. Like you, I am first and foremost committed to our dog and wanted her happy. So, I completely sympathize with your decision and feelings about Willy. I have to admit feeling broken-hearted when you first talked of re-homing Hope, but you were eloquent in your explanations, diligent in working with both dogs, and ultimately made the best decision for both, even though you might feel the worse for wear from it all.
Sorry for your feelings of loss, but you
Melinda says
I have been following the Hope/Willie unfolding story anxiously and am glad that the “answer” so gracefully unfolded. I’m sure I speak for many other committed volunteers in rescue when I say please, please, please consider fostering!! You have so much to offer a young dog in need of guidance and structure and would be giving so much to the people who go on to welcome that dog into their hearts and homes. It can be such a rewarding experience for the foster home, and even for the resident dogs who sometimes gain confidence about their place in the world. Yes, it can be heart-wrenching and our foster homes often cry when sending their charges on the next part of their Journey Toward Home. But knowing you’ve helped a dog get that much closer to being someone’s Once In a Lifetime Dog is the reward.
Beth says
Ah, so sorry for your sadness. It sounds like both dogs are happier now, and Willie might be one of those rare dogs who is truly happier being an “only” dog. The fact that he bonded with Lassie may be a fluke, or the fact that she was an adult female and he was a puppy and so naturally fell into a certain relationship with her that cannot be duplicated, now he is grown.
I think the idea of fostering to see how he reacts in the future is a great one, and in fact he may respond well to an older, stable girl who he can look to for direction.
Jackie says
And I join my voice to those saying thank you for sharing this journey with Hope. For those of us who are not experts but are trying our best to be good mamas to our dogs, sharing your experiences like this is more helpful than you will ever know.
Liza Lundell says
I’m sorry you’re hurting, but glad it’s worked out for Willie and Hope. Truly, you did the best thing for both of them. Good for you for being strong and putting the dogs ahead of yourself.
Robin says
Thank you from me also for being honest and for doing what is best for the dogs. I fostered two young (probably brothers) BC mixes for months to get them through shyness and lack of socialization. I’d had my two older dogs a while so it wasn’t a rash decision. I eventually wanted to keep both fosters but one was unhappy and he began to fight with the older male so he went to a hiking couple who say he is wonderful. It did hurt me and I still wish he could have stayed so I get where you are coming from. I know that not every home is for every dog and not all dogs get along perfectly so I applaud your decision to do the right thing.
Chris Shaughness says
I also join with the other commentors here to applaud you for your diligence in working through the possible solutions for everyone involved and making a very difficult decision. And I especially commend you for having the confidence and bravery to share your journey so others can learn. Life is not all roses, it’s how we deal with the thorns that improve our lives and make us better at helping the animals. I wish you strength as you work through “separaton distress” and find comfort that you did the best for both Will and Hope. Thanks for all that you do.
Faith says
Trisha –
For what it’s worth, I will add to those applauding you for your decision, and to make it public. I am not of the camp that sees this as a failure/”she should’ve known better”. And I don’t think you took this decision lightly. Thank you for detailing the how and why of what happened. This is a valuable learning experience for anyone. I also really like what Karen London had to say, that Hope being with you for this part of his puppyhood was meant to be. He got a great foundation, and I think we can all appreciate that.
Hopefully the fact that both dogs are now thriving is some comfort!
-faith
em says
Trisha,
Beautifully expressed. I’m so sorry for your sake that it didn’t work out between Will and Hope, but like so many of the previous posters, I am glad for both boys and grateful that they each have found respite in their new situations. I can image how wrenching it must have been to let Hope go and I thank you sincerely for your honesty and bravery in telling his story. What a kind and beautiful thing you did for Hope and Willie both.
Dena (Izzee's Mom) says
Thanks for sharing this, Trisha. I feel sad for you and Jim, and very happy for Willie and Hope.
Jo says
I love a happy ending, thank you for sharing your story! I know how hard that must have been for you to re-home Hope but I am so happy for Willie and Hope! And I will remain hopeful that you are able to find a good buddy for Willie. I have a multi-dog household and I just love watching their relationships.
Mary says
Trisha: I join others in expressing my appreciation for your candor and willingness to share your dilemma publicly. I bore the brunt of severe criticism the several times I have re-homed a dog, primarily by SPCA staff and other people I trained with who I had not confided in about my painful situation but who felt compelled to judge me nevertheless. It took a lot of courage to stand up to that and make a decision I felt was best for the dog and my family at the time. It was a a both a thoughtful and heart-felt decision, not taken lightly. After weighing the options, as you did, and also praying for the best solution to become apparent to me, wonderful people with great homes presented themselves. When someone of your stature shares her story and struggle, it makes it possible and easier for others in similar circumstances to take what is often a lonely and difficult path to rehoming a dog. I thank you, and I think many dogs would thank you if they could, for allowing them to live full and happy lives that they would not have been able to without your openness. I also thank you for your article in BARK, “Well-bred” as it was a voice and perspective that sorely needs to be heard.
Susanne says
I wish everyone that owns a dog would make “grown up” decisions like you! You have deep insight when it concerns behaviour in animals and humans but most of all a good heart and the ability to focus on the dogs best interest. A long term problem solver, thats you! Thanks for taking time to explain.
Liz M. says
I applaud your selfless act. Thanks for being so open and honest about such a painful decision. My heart goes out to you. Sending comforting thoughts your way.
Sherron says
Trisha, I am so sorry to hear this because I know it breaks your heart to let Hope go, but so happy that you found the perfect solution for both of your beloved boys.
Wendy W says
Trisha – thanks so much for sharing the joys, challenges and struggles of life with Hope and Will. What lucky dogs they are to receive the benefit of your love and wisdom. And what lucky people we are to be able to read your blog and gain greater insight into our lives with the dogs we love. I hope the sorrow inherent to the struggle passes quickly.
Dana says
Am I the only one who feels this way? By the comments I’m reading, apparently so. Two puppies returned in a short time because they didn’t fit in. I get emails almost daily about “forclosure dogs” or dogs in shelters on their LAST DAY desperately needing homes. There aren’t enough of us out there taking in these dogs. If an expert, whose books I used to cherish, just returned two puppies because they weren’t right for her family, what are they rest of us supposed to do? This is why so many dogs end up in shelters. I know so many people who rescue and train and provide loving care until they have a “family” while holding down regular “real people” jobs. I feel totally disillusioned.
EmilyS says
really, isn’t one of your central messages in your writing to “listen to your dog”?
You are now hearing from Will how right your decision was, and that’s the most important thing.
Wild Dingo says
wow. That sounds like it took a great deal of courage. I find it so interesting that Hope fit right in so very soon and Will snapped right back into happiness. It makes you wonder about the stress the two dogs were under. It seems Hope does better with a large group who will dish out the consequences without a second thought. Looking back (hindsight is always 20/20, right?) it seems Will wasn’t solid enough to show Hope good behavior.
Yes, I agree, play bows are the most fun to teach. I’m introducing both my dogs to farm animals and new things in our new home in Europe. We ran into a group of alpine walkers on one of our evening walks. The group with ski poles looked scarey to my GSD and I could see him start to get anxious. I turned him sideways to the group and started tricks for treats behaviors. As the ladies walked by, we received many oooos and ahhs. It’s always handy to have a few tricks up the paw, huh?
I’m so glad things have worked out for Hope and Will. I know it can’t be easy. But from the sound of it, seems it was the right decsion.
Ellen H says
Thanks for sharing. Your selflessness in doing what was best for Willie and Hope was a gift to both of them. Hope your heart heals as you move forward.
Meg Boscov says
As someone who works daily with shelters, rescues, and families, there is so much that I admire about Trisha’s decision. It’s hard to imagine a more thoughtful one. The happiness of both dogs was her primary concern, and now they are both clearly thriving!
deborah ryan says
To Trisha,
I also wish to add my Thankyou for sharing with us your decisions about Hope. Reading about Will and his “bounce back” to happy dog , and about Hopes new home it seems to me the best decision was made for all concerned, hard as it was, bless you that.
If I might share… In Feb of ’09 I took in a senior English Setter as foster,who we decided to adopt the following May. He seemed to fit in with my three but we did have some issues, mostly about play, he had no clue, and mine do like to rough house alot with each other. As the months passed the tension between the dogs became so audible that in Dec of 09 it was decided that Hank should have a home where he would be the only dog, hard decision as he was a good good boy, but the stress he my other dogs were under was taking its toll. Finding a home for a senior dog – difficult task, and before that could happen Hank was dx’d with a fastgrowing cancer, tumor in his brain, he was released from his pain the same day you lost Lassie, I have to tell you when I came home from the vets that day, my three had Partied! while I was gone. The release of tension , the happy dogs I came home to, I knew it was stressfull for them, but had no idea just how much till Hank was gone. When we were actively seeking a new home for him, a friend asked me how I could even think of giving him up, I told her It was because I loved him , he needed to live out his senior years as King of his domain, not one of many, he deserved more than a lifetime of management.
Sounds like you have found the best place for Hope, a place where he can continue to learn, and thrive and become the dog he is ment to be.
Beckmann says
I really and deeply appreciate that you shared with us this story….
Thank you.
JJ says
I’m so glad that Will and Hope are doing better! I too got tears in my eyes reading your post. And I feel for your difficult decision.
All your recent posts on this topic have been prompting me to do some intense internal reflection about the idea of re-homing dogs. Before I got Duke, I had promised myself that whatever dog I got, I would be committed to this dog **no matter what**. I had believed that giving up any pet that I took responsibility for would be irresponsible, and I was 100% committed to “doing the right thing” no matter the cost to myself. (It never occurred to me that there could be a benefit to the pet to rehome.) Note that I had this attitude long before I got a dog and thus feelings of attachment for the dog were not part of the equation. It was more basic than that.
Since reading your posts, I have changed my mind about what responsible dog ownership means in regards to rehoming. What I have been trying to figure out is why I (and obviously many others) had my original opinion. Of course, I can’t speak for others, but I have finally figured out the answer for myself.
It is a multi-part answer.
1) I had heard several times in the past that every time the shelter sees the dog, the dog gets worse and is far more likely to be killed. I don
Frank says
Anyone who has paid any attention would know that this is not a case of a dog being returned to a shelter. Hope went to a wonderful home as did the other puppy where both will thrive and be happy. IF the issue was that Dr. McConnell should have
Jenny says
I do just have one question. Did the contract you sign with the breeder require you to return Hope to the breeder? If you wouldn’t mind sharing, what did the contract say with regards to rehoming the dog? I do not know of any contract that says you personally are even allowed to find a home for the dog – it must be done through the breeder, or the dog must first be returned directly to the breeder. The same goes for good contracts with rescue organizations. Many state that the dog must be returned to the rescue organization. If you could give some insight on this, I’d appreciate it.
Ellen Pepin says
I am so sorry that you were not able to solve both of their problems, but sometimes that is not possible. I know that you did what was good for both dogs, even though it is so hard on you. I really sympathize with you because I considered doing the same thing with my adopted collie. So far, we have been able to manage her and my other dog.
Please don’t worry about the public reaction to your decision, because it was your’s to make. Sometimes, it takes an expert to know when things are not going to improve.
trisha says
Perspective is so important here. If only people could sit in on consultations with distressed owners, marriages in crisis, people at risk, dogs frightened, exhausted, stressed and miserable
Laura says
Thank you, Trisha. That was a very emotional email and we are very lucky that you had the guts to be so honest. You will never make everyone happy no matter what you do so don’t bother to try. You did the right thing for your dogs and I have the utmost respect for you. I am so happy for Will and Hope!!!!!
Karissa says
I will speak up for Dana — Simply in that I am one who might not be towing the party line on this thread.
I do not think it’s a “positive” thing for any person to return or re-home two puppies in such a short period of time. To me, this shows that the puppies were more of an impulse move and not a carefully thought out process, especially when going into a home with a dog with known “issues” that have to be worked around.
I do recall that you had hesitations about each of the puppies, as each of them exhibited at least one “quality” that nagged at you, yet you brought them each home despite this. If nothing else, I do hope that this has taught you to listen to your instincts and to NOT bring home any more dogs if you feel the slightest bit unsure of the pairing between them & Willie.
Personally, I do not let existing pets dictate how our pack will or will not expand. It’s obvious that you share a different relationship with Willie, though, and that is your prerogative. Due to the nature of your relationship, however, it does seem reasonable to assume that perhaps he would be happier as a single dog. I think we have more or lesson proven that he does not wish for a puppy or other juvenile dog to join the family to feed into his insecurities.
I certainly appreciate you sharing this journey with us, but I would be lying if I said I was not disappointed in the outcome. In my mind, I see this as validating the decisions of many who are considering re-homing or replacing their dogs — When in actuality, many of the situations could be prevented if people did more research or thinking prior to bringing home the dog in the first place. So many of the dogs who end up in shelters are there because the people who bought them were a BAD MATCH. Puppies are not a whim, they are a lifetime commitment. For some of us, anyhow.
Jenny says
Oh no, I wasn’t asking about whether she had faith in you. I am asking about the contract that any reputable breeder makes buyers sign. I am curious as to what that clause stated. I have done pro bono work around animal cases like that (breeder sues buyer after buyer rehomes) and usually the breeder contracts, if truly reputable, are very to the point that the dog is required to be returned to the breeder who would then rehome. If you didn’t sign a contract or didn’t follow it, I couldn’t care less. I was just curious as to what the clause was in the contract. If you do not want to answer, if you didn’t sign a contract, I understand.
Frank M. says
Different Frank here. How is Hope doing? Will he be herding/working at his new home?
Do you have any thoughts on purchasing another dog soon? For herding/working or for a friend for Will? If so, would you go about things in a different way? If that dog wasn’t a good fit and the same issues started with Will, would you rehome? Or, do you think Will is just fine as an only dog and you’ll keep it that way?
Tamara says
I honestly feel that the “A Word of Caution” section should be put at the top of this post or a disclaimer needs to be made at the beginning. Many lurkers may not read through the entire thing to get to the caution section.
Tamara says
JJ: Regarding your statement about dogs not having the feeling of insecurity of being rehomed. I invite you out to the rescue that my family volunteers for. Dogs spirits can seriously be damaged beyong repair upon rehoming or when turning a dog over to a rescue or a shelter. It’s heartbreaking and devastating to see. Sure, the majority will eventually adjust pretty good, but not all.
Jean says
First let me say I”m so happy that both dogs are doing so well, and I know that’s your main concern too. I wish they could be still be with you but I’m sure you look at Will’s happy relaxed face now and it makes you feel better.
As a first time dog owner (of an Aussie, no less), I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you being so open with your own experiences. I”ve laughed and I’ve cried along with you like so many others here ….. but most importantly, I’ve LEARNED. It’s one thing to read books & articles, but when I come here and read about your day to day experiences it brings all that book info to life. I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate that, and the difference you’ve made in my Wiley’s life. Now seemed like a good time to send out a heartfelt thank you.
Matthew says
Because of the “you should never re home” comments, I wanted to share my experience with re homing. Because the argument that you should NEVER re home is VERY disturbing to me and I submit in some situations could be essentially amount to abuse.
I got my first dog from a re homing situation. Had my dog NOT been re homed, he would have been forced to live a life of 14 + hours a day by himself, with very little mental or physical exercise. But don’t judge his previous family harshly, from what I know of them, this was not what they had in mind for their dog when they got him. But the real world/life has a way of messing up even the best laid plans and intentions. They became very busy dealing with some very difficult situations to the point that it never occurred to them that their dog only eating every 2 to 3 days was a dog in extreme stress.
When he came to me it turned out he was reactive towards dogs and to a smaller extent humans, and has separation anxiety tendencies. Not to mention he turns out to be epileptic. How much of the behavior issues is from being re homed, how much is from life taking a turn and causing him to be by him self 14 + hours a day or how much is genetic or a small combination of it all, I can’t say.
Re Homing wasn’t entirely a breeze on my dog. It took him a good 6 months to completely come out of his shell and show signs that he felt at home. But from day 1 with us he has steadily improved and become very attached to myself and my wife in a very short time. He rarely goes more then 4 hours by him self, worse case is about 8 hours. Hasn’t chosen to not eaten a meal EVER since coming into my home. Has reached a point he can play off leash with another dog lose across the field from us and ignore that dog. Deals with passing humans with auto watches a lot of the time, other times he just ignores them while we pass them. dogs “encounters” are coming along good to. Rather than all doges = reaction, it now is specific dogs in the neighborhood or dogs who give him a stare or start a reactive fit first.
While there is a lot of work to do still with him, there is NO doubt re homing was the right thing for him. His original family did the right thing. They chose to NOT be selfish and find a place where their dog could have a better life then they could for the fore see able future give.
I grant you, there are people who surrender to shelters or re home because puppy/dog is no longer “fun” or simply inconvenient for selfish reasons that have nothing to do with the welfare of the dog/puppy. But to say re homing is wrong and never should be done in a blanket statement because of these people or that it might encourage these people is just mind boggling and ignores what might be in the best interest of the dog/puppy.
The people who will re home / surrender their dog/puppy for all the wrong reasons and in the wrong way will do so and continue to do so regardless of what Patricia or anyone else who is focused on what is best for their dog(s) does or doesn’t do.
Sija says
This is very disheartening news. From the tone of your previous posts on this matter I am not surprised at the result, but I am surprised at the speed with which the conclusion was arrived at. Option II was implemented for only a few weeks (months?) before you decided to rehome Hope, yet you conclude that you would not have been able to make a good judgement call on whether behavior modification would have helped for 4-6 months. Why did you not take the time required to definitively make this judgement call before choosing to rehome? Since you are such a lauded and noteworthy behaviorist (many of your books have been so helpful to me in stabilizing my pack and for that I am very grateful), surely the option to send Hope to the “perfect” home would still have existed a number of months from now.
As someone who worked non-stop for over a year to get my own pack to settle into a routine where everyone was happy and co-existing peacefully, I find it extremely disappointing that you, an expert behaviorist, did not afford all the dogs that you chose to be part of your family the same opportunity.
I have to echo Karissa in her opinion that you seemed to have rushed into the purchase of 2 puppies that were unsuitable for your family. As the owner of a fearful, reactive dog, I understand that any future additions to my pack will have to be carefully selected and planned. This does not seem to have been what happened in this case, and I don’t really understand why.
Furthermore, as someone who works in rescue, your posts on the matter of rehoming send a disappointing and worrying message to the general public, and to anyone that happens to come across your blog. 1) Rehoming is a BIG ordeal for a dog – to the previous commenters who think that dogs adjust quickly and without trauma to a new living situation this is not true in the majority of cases. I have personally witnesses the fear, uncertainty and confusion of being rehomed in more dogs than I care to remember. 2) The “perfect” home is not out there for the vast majority of dogs. There is not some wonderful, mythical farm with loving humans, a stable pack of dogs and a comfy couch for the vast majority of dogs that are rehomed. Your word of caution is a woefully inadequate explanation of this, and the suggestion that serious behavior issues just go away when a dog is rehomed is plain untrue.
Finally, I have to go against the grain of the majority of those who have commented. I do not find rehoming Hope to be a selfless or noble act. I truly wish you had given your pack time to see if the issues were, in fact, related to some sort of second fear stage in Hope, and if these disturbing behaviors in him and Willie could have been worked through in the next 4-6 months. Then you could have rehomed Hope knowing that you had done everything in your power to try and make a happy, stable home for all the dogs that you chose to take into your care.
I’m curious as to whether you will choose to add to your pack again. If you do, and the dog proved to, once again, not be the “perfect” match for Willie, shall they too be rehomed?
CJ :) says
Rehoming, when done for the dog’s welfare and not the human’s convenience, can be done successfully. Through rescue I have seen dogs turn out to hate some children and some other dogs and not be able to handle the lifestyle the adopters had – all things you can’t be 100% sure of when you adopt a dog for whom you know no background or history, regardless of the foster situation.
This reminds me of when I had to stop fostering. I have a cocker spaniel who is brain damaged from being abused, and his anxiety level can be difficult to control. He got to where he couldn’t tolerate strange dogs in the house. When I withdrew from fostering, I caught all kinds of hell from a certain section of the rescue. I shared a vet with one of the other members who criticized me and she actually changed vets because he agreed with my decision – he actually was the one who told me it had to stop or my cocker was going to be on drugs 24×7 to deal with it.
There has to be perspective. If you have a dog with emotional or physical problems you have an obligation to do what you have to to do take care of that dog’s needs. If you have an established relationship with a dog and a new relationship comes along that isn’t working, you have to make a responsible decision – like Trisha did. I “rehomed” a couple of boyfriends when I was a single mother. It’s kind of the same thing. 😉
I look at this through the lens of having raised a disabled child – I never would have gotten rid of him for the world, but his illness frequently defined what I did with outside relationships. Sometimes things simply don’t work out the way you would like them to.
Betsy C says
Thank you for sharing this experience with us. It is a great relief for me to be reminded that I can’t fix every problem for my clients….and it’s silly of me to think that I can or should. No one, not even a famous someone with a PhD, has the ability to make two dogs good for each other if it isn’t meant to be. If a fabulous alternative is found, then one should go for it!
Pike says
I wonder if the associations of disappointment and failure with an expert rehoming a dog are maybe rooted in several unrelated but very human fears:
Our own fear of abandonment (who hasn’t been left by a loved one and felt miserable), our own fear of losing control (we often so want to believe that if we just try hard enough or would be enough of an expert, the outcome will be the desired one) and maybe also our fear of dying alone in an impersonal place like a hospital (the shelter association).
Very understandable fears for humans, though – in my opinion – having little to do with this situation of currently having all canines involved living and thriving in different households that seem nothing but dedicated to their continued well-being.
Lolly says
A difficult and courageous decision, made thoughtfully and with love for both dogs.
I commend you for your willingness to share this publically, and to explain your process.
The match, no matter how it is made (whether you pick the dog, or it is picked for you as with dog guides) isn’t always the right one.
Thank you for your honesty.
Allison says
Trisha – I’ve been following your blog a long time and have never posted. I just want to join all the others in giving you support for a wonderful decision. And your idea to foster is a wonderful one! I do hope the sadness ends soon…there are so many wonderful dogs out there and so many wonderful homes…it just sometimes takes a long time to get a wonderful match of the two.
em says
If I could be forgiven for making a comment from the peanut gallery, I’d like to pipe up again on the subject of rehoming in general and Hope’s case in particular. I understand the perspective of those who are critical of the decision to rehome Hope. For many of us who have rescued dogs (I took in a black great dane who was thirty-five pounds underweight, with demodex and entropion…talk about difficult to place…) it can be hard to separate this situation from the misery we’ve seen in surrendered shelter dogs. There ARE a lot of unhappy dogs out there, neglected, abandoned, and surrendered into a lousy sitations (sorry shelter workers, I mean no disrespect, but traditional animal shelters are unpleasant places to live for many dogs) for some pretty selfish reasons. Trisha does not sanction that kind of behavior anywhere in her post, and I don’t think that can it can reasonably be read as a justification for abandonment of impulse puppies.
If I am going to be brutally honest, I did harbor doubts that a puppy (any puppy, really) would work out as a companion for Willie, but I have no doubt at all that the decision to adopt him WAS a well-researched, well-thought out choice, not an impulse. I also don’t really feel that the ‘puppy swap’ really constitutes re-homing…by that measure any dog who’d ever been boarded or dog-sat at grandma’s house for a couple of days would count as having been ‘re-homed’. I also see a BIG difference between placing a dog in a better situation and surrendering a dog to a shelter. I admit to being a little disappointed on behalf of those people ‘stuck’ in a tough situation with dogs who are not easily re-homed…we all want to hear the happy ending, about the deep and lifelong bonds, the inspiring tale about how it can all work out. Even those of us who are not sentimental want to hear some practical advice about ‘making it work’ in difficult situations. But despite that, I appreciate the lesson in Trisha’s account. Sometimes a new home IS the best solution. Commitment to our dogs is laudable, but we can’t let it get in the way of the dog’s best interest.
I’ve never had to re-home a dog but I can speak first hand about the sadness that I feel from the other side of the equation. In my case, I have offered to take in a family member’s dog-a driven and energetic working breed who has always fit in beautifully with my activity level and lifestyle when she stays with me over vacations, etc., but who is apparently miserable in her permanent home. When my relative describes her behavior (hiding under the bed 10+ hours per day, slinking away at the slightest raised voice, refusing to come to her owners, bolting out the door and running away)–and I don’t even recognize the happy, outgoing, affectionate and obedient dog that I have lived with for weeks at a time. When I hear that she spends days waiting and watching at her front window when I drop her off, it breaks my heart. It is not a question of neglect or abuse, her owner is loving and well-meaning. But this dog doesn’t get nearly enough exercise, socialization, or structure. She’s alone for long periods and bored out of her mind. So while rehoming might be a bit unsettling for her, I have no doubt that if you asked her, she’d choose a home where she could be happy.
Frances says
I think that when we take on an animal, we take on a permanent responsibility for that animal, just as anyone breeding should maintain a permanent responsibility for the offspring. That responsibility means doing everything we can to ensure health and happiness. Breeders do this by careful vetting and selection of prospective owners, and by a contract that keeps them involved in any future rehoming. Trisha has done it by choosing the pup that she believed had the best chance of thriving in her household – even though that pup was not her own first pick – and then recognising that someone else could actually offer him a better life.
And she has shared the story, warts and all. Yes, I would like Trisha, and the other gurus, to be omnipotent and infallible when it comes to choosing a dog, and to dog rehabilitation. I would love to be told that if I buy the right food, the right toys, the right treats, and work long enough and hard enough at a problem it will all be resolved in a burst of sunlight and roses. Sometimes that is not the case. No doubt with hard work and careful management Will and Hope could have been brought through this phase to live together reasonably placidly at some point in the future. How is that a better solution than having both dogs thoroughly happy, now and in the future? Dogs live in the “now” – they are not good at delayed gratification.
EmilyS says
I guess I so DONT see the problem with a dog going from one loving home to an equally loving home where he will actually be happier.
Amy W. says
Okay this has nothing to do w/ this topic, but it is a video with a dog and a sheep.
Jessie says
I wont’ talk about rehoming dogs, but I want to talk about this comment made by Em:
“If I am going to be brutally honest, I did harbor doubts that a puppy (any puppy, really) would work out as a companion for Willie, but I have no doubt at all that the decision to adopt him WAS a well-researched, well-thought out choice, not an impulse.”
She didn’t “adopt” this dog. She bought him. The decision to purchase was more on impulse. If you go back and read her blog, she seemed to be set on one or two of the other dogs from the litter. She then said she saw this dog and knew it was the one. She fell in love, did a few tests (and she admitted she did see a red flag). So, yes, the thought of bringing another dog into the home was thought out, but I think after returning the other dog, this one was more purchased on impulse.
As a side note, I do wonder why Hope was rehomed, while the first dog was returned to the breeder. The person above talking about contracts has a good point and I don’t see where Trisha commented on what the contract (if there even was one) actually says word for word.
trisha says
To Amy W: The video of a sheep playing with a dog is about the most delightful thing I’ve ever seen! You are so wonderful to pass it along. If you haven’t watched it yet, don’t miss it. It’s too wonderful.
Janice says
I appreciate that you, as Frances put it, shared this story, warts and all. I think that you did the absolute best thing for Hope, because it doesn’t seem to me that Will is a very good choice to be the adult dog/role model of a young and impressionable dog. From afar, my arm-chair analysis (i.e., guess) as to what was happening was that when Hope started to outgrow the puppy stage (where adult dogs are very tolerant of puppies) and become a dog, this stimulated a lot more of Will’s anxieties to be expressed. And with no other dog there modeling calm and confident behavior, Hope was starting to express what was being modeled for him–a lot of anxiety. (You asked the question in an earlier blog as to whether dogs learn from each other and I would say absolutely. In this case, it sounded like Hope was picking up on Will’s anxieties and starting to mirror them). (If you put this into a human framework, if you were a young child and your primary companion was an adult who was seriously anxious, how could the child not become anxious also? Certainly, Hope had playmates who were not anxious, but as soon as they left, he was back into that emotional stew again). (This is not to say that there is also a genetic component to Will’s anxiety, but when everyone around you thinks that the sky is falling, it is hard to convince yourself that it is not). I suspect that a year from now, raised around dogs who are not overly anxious, a confident and calm Hope might have no troubles keeping his own emotional bearings around Will and might also help Will to relax. (you can almost hear him saying “hey dude, there’s nothing to be freaky about, so let’s just chill”). But, while I understand your reasons for this choice, I think that this might be too much to ask of a puppy.
Now, the next thing that I am going to say I don’t want you or anyone to interpret as a criticism. This is not, in any way, intended as such. One of the most amazing things about dogs, by far, is their ability to interpret and reflect the emotional state of people. Think how amazing that is–how many other species in the Animal Kingdom can interpret and reflect the emotions of another species the way dogs can with humans? This thought alone is staggering. We know that dogs can act as seizure alert dogs and detect an impending seizure in a person in a way that we, with all our scientific prowess, can’t even say what it is that they perceive that is telling them of an impending seizure. So the dogs had to have known that you were also anxious–you have been from the very start when you brought the first puppy home and started seeing signs that he might not get along with Will. It has been the honesty and beauty of your writing that has allowed us to feel a small part of what you have been feeling. So you were part of that emotional stew that was cooking. For myself, I am sure that I would have been the carrots or the potatoes–something clumsy and hard to ignore. More likely, you were just a hint of rosemary. But sometime way in the future, when this doesn’t hurt so much, when you are again contemplating bringing another dog into your home, you will need to write a new recipe for a different flavored stew. As one of those who loves experiencing the richness and creativity that you share, I am looking forward to seeing the ingredients you will add the next time.
Oh Shoot–this is a lot longer than I had intended to write–my apologies for a long winded response. I am glad that you found the perfect circumstance for Hope and Will and I am sorry for your sorrow.
lytha says
This parallels what we went through in August with my horse. He has been living alone with us since we bought our little farm, and the entire time I’ve been hoping to find the right companion for him, preferrably the same species.
However, my horse has the V for victim on him, partly due to his age (24), so other horses dominate him. Various herdmates the last few years would steal his grain, not let him at the hay bale, and chase him laps around the field, biting and kicking him whenever he tried to come near.
It’s easier just to put a skinny old horse in a separate paddock than watch him deteriorate, but then he became what I call “psychotically herdbound” (all horses are herdbound but he took it to a new level).
Now we have our own farm, he’s finally an appropriate weight, and calm. But horses need other horses.
So we put up ads looking for a submissive, older, decrepit, hopefully blind and lame companion horse. It was to be my horse’s horse. It’s amazing how few of these are out there, but we finally found a 30 year old pony.
It was painful watching my horse try to get close to the pony – he wanted to have a friendship and the pony did not allow it. In fact the pony stole his food, chased him around, and bit and bullied him whenever my horse got within 2 meters of him.
But the separation anxiety – my horse broke down his stall door simply because the pony was on the outside of it; being separated was unbearable. Anytime I had to work with my horse (grooming), his eyes were vacant, his ears were pointed to wherever the pony was, and although he stood still when I asked him to, his body was rigid with anxiety.
So we had to send the pony back.
It would be OK to be psychotically attached if the companion animal was kind to my horse, but he was not.
We realize that 99% of the horses out there will dominate my horse, and finding a friend for him is going to take time. But we have to try.
It sure is nice to see my horse has come back to me, head low, eyes seeing me. He is relaxed again. Like Willy. But I want to do what is best for him, not me. We’ll see what happens.
Maggi And Cracker says
Trisha, kudos to you for doing what was best in the end for both Willie and Hope.
I am sorry that you have received some criticism, but such is life on the internet, you cannot make everyone happy. No matter what the decision you came to someone somewhere would have been unhappy with it. The majority here are supportive, saddened for you, happy for the boys. This is as it should be.
Please remember that as you were working through this the perfect home appeared; the universe was opening the door for the greater good. Proof that the decision you made WAS the right one. You did well in seizing the opportunity for happiness for both of the dogs.
Dogs without homes, unfortunately will be a fact of life for a long time and these people who work tirelessly to rescue dogs must in many ways be single minded about it in order to continue their work. But judgement does not have to be part of it and they must find a way to balance this as life throws all of us curveballs and sometimes we have to make the hard decisions for the welfare of all involved. It is never simple when someone loves their pets and has to make a choice.
I do hope that you can keep us up on how both boys are doing.
Hugs.
Emma says
Thank you for sharing this story – too often people’s egos get in the way when in their hearts they know that re-homing their dog may be the best thing for them.
We’re currently fostering a Lab and had originally planned on adopting her if all worked out well with our resident (and fear aggressive) dog Little Bear. She’s a lovely girl, gentle and sweet natured and despite arriving with zero basic training is learning rapidly and is so eager to please. The only down side is that she’s as reactive as he is when out and it’s doing him no favours what-so-ever.
We’re hoping that its a blip caused by the upheaval of the rehoming but if we can’t fix it then we’ll have to go ahead and have her adopted. Yes it would break our hearts, but we’re not important here – the dogs have to come first. If that means we only get to enjoy her company for a little while then so be it. In the mean time, we’ll do all we can for her to make sure that when we find her the perfect forever home, she has the skills and confidence to settle in and forget all about us.
I’ve taken great heart from your story – thank you.
Dale McCluskey says
Reverse psychology with dogs. It is understanding how dogs are in tune with the psychological and share this through nature. Authority and power are very real issues and are part of this diminsion and dynamic. Anxiety and stress are part of the fight or flight response and mimic a fear reaction. It is still about dominance and power. This is also where conditioning and response are disconnected within the context of nature. It is about what is influencing and directing a dog’s mind as it is directly linked with the owner. Permissive emotion is the problem and issue. The psychological is at work. Show me a balanced dog and I will show you a assertive and confident owner.
Dale
Alexandra Semyonova says
Emma: Yes it would break our hearts, but we
Gretchen Dietz says
I have read your posts from afar and have learned more from your honest accounts and difficult journey than from any trainer I’ve worked with personally. Thank you for sharing on such a personal level. I think of Suzanne Clothier’s words “See the dog!” when I read your words. You have both helped me understand the importance of a dog’s needs over my own. Continued contentment to all of you now and in the future.
Lindsay says
I enjoyed reading the details of every option – such a hard choice that so many dog owners must face. i appreciate your honesty and openness about the decision and trust your final choice. So many people live under the belief that when you adopt a dog or buy a dog you absolutely must keep that dog for its entire life, and sometimes that is just not the best situation for the dog. Plus, we always have to consider ourselves, our family members and our current pets.
Karen says
It sounds like re-homing Hope was the best decision. I am glad you were able to do it!
Beth says
“Lot’s of people talk to animals,” said Pooh.
“Maybe, but…”
“Not very many listen, though,” he said.
“That’s the problem,” he added.
Benjamin Hoff . “The Tao of Pooh” (Penguin Books, 1982)
Tricia, thank you for listening to your animals and sharing it with us so eloquently. It’s clear you did the right thing for them.
Ann says
I just read this and can identify with the turmoil. A little more than a year ago I found myself in a similar situation with a shelter dog. A beautiful little boy with more quirks than I could manage. Luckily they appeared quickly, but the realization that I had to “give him back” to his foster mom was horrible. We were mismatched; he needed a working environment that I could not provide. All the feelings of failure surfaced. I felt I was “unworthy” of ever having another dog because of this.
I kept in touch with his foster mom who was incredibly understanding. This pup went to a hobby farm several weeks afterwards and is happy and leading the life he needs. I also have another dog who fits beautifully in our life. Though it was so difficult to return him, it worked out well for all of us.
LS says
My heart aches for your loss. I negotiated the same situation a couple weeks ago when I had to re-home a wonderful 5 month old collie puppy because of issues with my older dog. I posted a comment about it to your earlier post, so I won’t describe the situation again. But I will say that the puppy, who was truly exceptional, went to a home with 4 children who simply adore him and parents who are deeply committed to raising the puppy with the best training and care possible. I cried a lot over the decision, but when I got an email telling me that the 9 year old boy was laying next to the puppy’s crate, reading a book and waiting for him to wake up from his nap, there was no doubt in my mind that I had done the right thing. Which situation would be better for a young collie: an adult owner with a full-time job and 3 other dogs OR a 9 year boy (and 3 other kids) to whom he was the center of the world…. He will be happy and my home is once again relaxed and content and balanced. I thank you for reaffirming that doing what is best, is not always doing what is easy, and I am sorry for the sadness that I know is there.
Catherine Adams says
HI Patricia
I’m the owner and operator of a dog day care in Surrey, BC for 7 yrs. Its a smaller operation running out of a commercial space but we can accommodate up to 24 dogs and I primarily run it with the help of one part timer.
I’ve just started reading your blog about a month ago…sorry it took me this long to get on it. 🙂
I wanted to comment on the decision to re home Hope. I don’t know why anyone would have a problem with rehoming a pup, especially at such a young age when it is clear that the situation is not in it’s best interest or yours or any other dog in the house. I’m just at a loss as to why someone would pooh pooh your decision but alas I know that there are those will judge and criticize. Maybe their just not brave enough to get past their own emotions or fears to do what is right.
The biggest question I would have for you is if you considered the sex of the dog or just the puppy behavior when you chose Hope? Or both? As a past member of the BC Doberman Pinscher Club I was in charge of rescue for two years before I had to stop (rescue and 12 hr work days don’t mix) and I refuse to re home male to male dogs. I really don’t believe it can work in the long run. Isn’t one of the dogs ‘looking over his shoulder’ all the time and eventually, will this not come to a head? 2 or 3 or 5 years later?
I was surprised that you chose a male and not surprised that it didn’t work. Its not my intention to pass judgment on this. Its a subject that I don’t see discussed very often if at all. I am curious to talk with others that are observant and knowledgeable on dog behavior how it is to live with two males. I don’t believe the average pet person can see subtle signals that tell them there is trouble brewing within their pack. I always advise my clients to get a female when they already have a male. It seems to me that there is more harmony over all.
We all have tough decisions to make but I believe that if we’re going to own dogs then we have to be tough and put our emotions aside when it comes to their well being. In this case, it was everyday living for you and two dogs. I think, from what I read, that you were willing to go to all means in time and energy (admirable) to make a square peg fit into a round hole. Sometimes we need to look at the whole picture and instead of taking the long arduous route (for you and maybe them) you did the right thing and solved the issue immediately thus saving Willie AND Hope some grief.
There should be no guilt on your part. We make decisions in life based on what we know and what our experience is at that time. Choosing Hope may not of been your best one, in hind site but only you know that. But and most importantly, we must learn, learn, learn and move on.
Thank you for sharing and putting yourself out there. Ultimately it doesn’t matter what others think because its your family that have to live together.
trisha says
To Catherine: I completely understand your question, normally I always advise a different sex dog… here’s my reasoning, for what it’s worth: Willie’s best friends, the ones he was most comfortable in the house, with were submissive males. Size and personality has always seemed to be a bigger factor with Willie than sex–larger and bolder scarier, smaller and more submissive, less scary, more fun. Even with that, I actually had my eye on a female in the litter, but the one who seemed most appropriate was taken, one was exceptionally bold and pushy and the other was quite shy, so shy I was worried she wouldn’t do well in a home where things change constantly and she’d be out and about a lot. Hope came across as a super submissive pup, I knew he’d be small for a BC as an adult, and Willie ‘choose’ him when I let him meet all the remaining pups. So, that’s how a male pup ended up at the house. Thanks for your kind words, they are truly appreciated.
calmassertive says
Not one message above is critical of this supposed expert in her field, someone who professes to be so knowledgeable as to actually write books on the subject. As we can see in this example apparently Patricia McConnell is, nonetheless, a total fraud, unable to raise even a puppy without problems. How do people like this manage to get their name mentioned as some kind of an expert when they are so stunningly incapable? I’ll keep this link on file as flaming proof of McConnell’s startling lack of capability. Hopefully she won’t delete my blistering criticism from her blog, something I suspect may be the case since not a single other comment contains anything but effusive praise for this charlatain.
trisha says
In response to “CalmAssertive” above: Calm and assertive (versus aggressive) are indeed wonderful qualities to strive toward. I wish us all luck in our pursuit of them.
Kim says
We recently experienced this with our own dogs – although our situation was a bit more direct, involving two females (similar age, size and breed). The last time there was a fight it took several minutes to get one to let go of the other, although there were never serious injuries (the last one resulted in only a single scrape despite its ferocity) despite the fact that the top dog was shaking the bottom one like a ragdoll throughout.
Now, I knew what we were getting in to when we added another female to our pack, although we’ve had excellent results in the past. I was also fully aware of what we were dealing with when they began having issues with one another (and I noticed you mentioned the difficulty of sorting out warring females on another post). Sadly, few people really understand this dynamic. I would be extremely interested to hear anything you had to share about sibling rivalry and your take on these cases.
Mary McComb says
I had read about Hope when the situation was current, and found myself in a similar situation this year. Your experience was so helpful for me. I just returned a wonderful senior BC guy to Second Chance BC Rescue. I had added him to my household of two other herding dogs, one with reactivity issues. The reactive girl and the new guy never could work it out between them, despite my trying the same measures you tried–Chinese medicine, help from a behaviorist, managing the environment (in a small house). The old collie and I both got badly bit in the process (NOT by the senior BC). At about 3 months of uphill struggle, despite the help I had, I painfully realized no one was happy and chances of success looked dim. I knew my reactive dog could not be re-homed (she wasn’t from a rescue group), my old Collie has been with me the longest. But Second Chance was wonderful about taking Dave back. He returned to the same farm, same family. I’m utterly flattened with grief. But my original girls are happy, and I know the rescue is a better home for Dave, and some other lucky family will bring him home. Thank you for sharing this with us, Tricia.
trisha says
Mary: “.. flattened with grief..” is an amazing powerful phrase, it so perfectly describes how I felt when I re-homed Hope. Thanks for sharing your story, and thanks for your thank you too. It is gratifying to know that sharing my story was helpful to someone. It sounds to me like you did exactly the best thing for everyone. Good good good for you for not being selfish and demanding that the dogs somehow deal with it because you wanted them to. And good for 2nd Chance for taking Dave back so graciously. That’s exactly how a good rescue should respond, good for them. Keep breathing, keep looking at your happy girls and know that greater love hath no woman than to put her first dogs first. Take care of yourself too: send yourself flowers, get a massage, do what you’d do for a friend who just had surgery, because in your brain, you have.
Micha says
Every dog is not for every person, every home is not for every dog. There’s nothing wrong with trying everything you can to make it work and when it doesn’t, finding the right people and home for the dog. Our dogs deserve to be happy too and you did the right thing. This wasn’t just some careless casting out a dog.