Those are the words of Dogen Zenji, a Zen master, quoted in one of my favorite books, Zen Miracles by Brenda Shoshanna. I repeat them here, because I think they have the power to ease life’s journey for all of us. The message is simple, but profound. Of course you, and everyone around you are going to make mistakes. It is inevitable, because, as the saying reminds us, “Life IS one continuous mistake.” Once we accept that, it is much easier to be loving and compassionate, both to ourselves and to others.
When I first became interested in dog training, in the mid-80’s, I was shocked at how hard people were on their dogs. “Disobedience” by dogs was considered to be a direct challenge to a dog’s owner. Any time a dog responded inappropriately it was attributed to the dog being stubborn, or challenging the owner’s dominance, or worse, “having a mind of his own”. (I admit to being unable to repress a smile when I write that last one. Whose mind was the dog supposed to have?) Dogs who didn’t sit fast enough were at best given a quick, mild collar correction, and at worst yelled at or picked up and shaken. Dogs were not allowed to make “mistakes” and if they did, they were punished for it.
Thanks to the efforts of many wonderful people, from Ian Dunbar to Karen Pryor to William Campbell, much of dog training has become less like boot camp for marines, and more like a good elementary school for kids. And yet, as we became kinder to dogs, it seems to me that some of the anger, frustration and negative attributions have been re-directed toward our own species. I read about “they” all the time, the people who don’t treat dogs as they should, who dump them at shelters, who use abusive training methods or who make bad decisions that cause harm to some individual of some species, sometime, somewhere. So many mistakes. Bad people, bad people.
Part of why I wrote The Other End of the Leash is because I like people, and I wanted to help others understand more of “why we do what we do around dogs.” (That’s the subtitle, fyi.). My hope was that increasing our understanding of the behavioral predispositions of both species would make life better for us all, humans and dogs.
And so I bring this around to the topic of the hour on this blog, the issue of re-homing dogs in general, and of placing Hope in another home specifically. Every day I make a mental list of what I am thankful for, and one thing I am thankful for is the thoughtful conversation that this chapter in my life has stimulated. I am thankful for the compassionate words of support, and I am thankful for the criticism, because it forces us to carefully consider our beliefs and our decisions. I knew when I made the decision to place Hope that it would disappoint some people and anger others. I am especially thankful, and impressed, by some of the most insightful comments: that perhaps placing a dog in another home brings up deep-seated, personal issues of belonging and a fear of rejection and of failure—no wonder this is a hot button topic, yes?
I understand that it would have been more satisfying to many if I had kept Hope and worked through all of his and Willie’s issues. It would have been to me as well. I understand that some readers believe that I made mistakes along the way. One interesting aspect of “Life as a Continuous Mistake” is that for any given situation, each person evaluates a stream of decisions differently. A mistake to one person is not to another.
Look at all the choice points involved in my decisions related to Hope:
– Deciding to get a puppy 4 years ago when I had 3 very old dogs because a litter related to my soul mate dog, Luke, became available
– Choosing Willie from the litter
– Keeping Willie after it became clear that he had a myriad of serious problems
– Deciding to get another dog after Lassie died because Willie loves to play with other dogs and I’d like more than one myself.
– Deciding to buy a puppy from a breeder rather than getting a dog from rescue
– Choosing the puppy Mick out of the litter
– Deciding to take Mick back to the breeder after some red flags appeared
– Returning home with the puppy Hope because Willie seemed to adore him
– Deciding to work with Hope after it became clear he was not the puppy that both Willie and I thought he was
– Deciding to let Hope go to another home
– Choosing to write about it in public
I wrote out that list to point out that everyone has their own opinion about what decision or choice might have been a mistake. Some of my colleagues, years ago, counseled me to get rid of Willie, and with benevolence and care for my well being, told me I’d be sorry for a very long time if I didn’t. Many of them think I am raving mad for writing about my own dogs in public. Others think getting a puppy was a mistake, or not getting a dog from rescue, or choosing the pup I did, or taking him back, or not taking him back sooner, or, or …
Here’s the reason that I bring this up. If I could live this summer over again, I might have made some different decisions. I might not have, it’s too soon to say. The one decision in particular that I would revisit was when I had returned Mick to the breeder and was agonizing over whether to choose another from the litter, or drive home without a puppy at all . While I was struggling with the decision, admittedly both physically and emotionally exhausted, Willie met Hope and instantly adored him. Willie took one sniff, and circle-wagged, and then play bowed and the two of them frolicked on the grass like Willie and Lassie used to do. As I stood watching them, it was windy and wet, and brutally cold, and I had to decide right away what to do or lose the chance to take a pup. Willie’s reaction to Hope (very different from his reaction to all the other puppies) had a profound effect on me. I picked up Hope, and he flattened his ears and kissed my face and Willie circle-wagged again and that was that.
A mistake? Could have been. I’m not sure yet. Was it a mistake to place Hope into a better home than mine could ever be? Nope. Absolutely not. At least, not in my opinion. But perhaps in yours. And that’s okay, because, after all, Life is One Continuous Mistake. I will always make them, whether we agree on what exactly the mistakes are or not. If someone needs perfection from me, they are benevolently advised to go elsewhere. I cannot carry that burden for you, and I cannot try to carry it for myself.
And that brings us full circle to the most important point of all. Benevolence. Most people do the best they can. Yes people do things that disappoint us. Yes others will do things that we consider to be mistakes. Yes some people do horrible things to dogs, not to mention to other people. But the more we can feel compassion for other people, as much as we do for our dogs, the better off we will all be. Over the decades that I have been in the dog world, I have seen so much anger about the behavior of others, and so much guilt from wonderful people about decisions they have made with the best of intentions. If only we could gather up all that negative energy we could power the world on it. But in my humble opinion, it’s not what the world needs right now, and it’s not what each individual within it needs. Listen up here: It is not the behavior of others that is hardest to forgive, and if we focus on that we are fooling ourselves. It is our own imperfections that are hardest to forgive. What a challenge it is to feel love and compassion and forgiveness for ourselves, and for all of the mistakes we each make. And yet, we are the only judge of own behavior that really matters. Life is One Continuous Mistake. If we do our best, with the best of intentions, and try to learn from our inevitable mistakes, then all we can do beyond that is to sit back and enjoy the ride.
MEANWHILE, back on the farm. It is cool and gorgeous and the horrid, hot, humid weather is behind us, at least for now. The country is a canvas of yellows: bright yellow gold finches are everywhere, butter- colored sunflowers line the country roads, and streams of goldenrod wave in the fields.
Willie and I got two glorious lessons with the best herding dog handler in the country (Alisdair McRae) yesterday, and had as much fun as it is possible to have. For those of you in Wisconsin, there is a great herding dog trial going on right now, Friday through Labor Day, outside of Portage Wisconsin. You can learn more about it by going to WWSDA.
I wanted to get some pictures of Willie and I working with Alisdair, but I got lost in training rapture, and forgot that I had the camera in my pocket. But here’s are some scenes on the way home… no wonder the colors of the state’s football team are green and gold.
Sharon Baron says
A beautifully written, touching and ‘oh so on point’ post, Trisha. Thank you!
Mihaela says
Trisha, you are an incredibly selfless person. All of us know the incredible heartache of the mere thought of letting your dog go, and yet you found the strength to put the happiness of your dogs ahead of your feelings. And to share that experience with all of us. Your dogs are the luckiest in the world. You might have made mistakes in your life. But this is not one of them!
K9-CRAZY says
I appreciate your honesty and enjoy reading about your journey with your dogs. I’m glad you continued to write about them.
Sarah says
Thank you for writing about this so eloquently–your own dogs and choices, and your (and our) approach to others’. Working with people and dogs for me sometimes requires a lot of reminding myself that we all do our best, really.
You’ve made, I think, a series of well-considered choices when faced with difficult decisions, and reading about them has been helpful to me intellectually and emotionally, so I want to thank you for that.
Janice in GA says
I think you have more courage than I would have had in your situation, both in rehoming Hope, hanging onto Willie, and writing about it in public.
The main point is that you care about your dogs, and want the best for them. I’d never try to second-guess anyone else on what that means.
Best wishes to you and Willie, and I hope you can find another dog that will be good for both of you when the time is right.
Startulip says
I’ve come to believe that there are few mistakes in life. Have you considered that maybe you were the only way that Hope could get to his perfect home? If you hadn’t taken him, it’s highly unlikely that he would have found his way to where he is today. Sometimes what feels like our drama (and it IS for us at the time) is really not about us, but we’re just helping life happen for another being.
Reading how you met Hope and Willie’s reaction to him just doesn’t seem like a mistake to me. I would have brought him home, too, thinking I’d had the best validation possible. It sounds to me like you might have been what Hope needed at the time to get him to his forever home.
Alexandra says
You have a lot of courage to share all of this. Thank you for letting us see your journey.
Pat Wildgen says
Trisha, your honesty has let me be less hard on myself. I thought you never made mistakes! I think you made the right decision for Hope and for you and Willie. How fortunate that you were able to find such an ideal home for Hope. Your story has resonated with me because there have been times in the past 4 months when I wondered if I had done little 12 year old Chelsea a HUGE disservice by bringing a big golden puppy into her life. But Kyla respects Chelsea and they are hanging out peacefully together. Perhaps their personalities have a lot to do with that.
Ravana says
You did the right thing. Your whole Hope/Willie saga was a long drawn out version of what happened to me when I tried to adopt my neighbor’s dog whom my dog loved and whom we had babysat on occasion without trouble. Somehow they both knew that this was not normal babysitting. The neighbors dog went from a fun playmate to a bully and my guy went from a happy boy to a dog who was cowering and throwing up all over the house. All this in a 24 hour period. Ten minutes after she left his tail went up, he ran around the house, jumped on the bed and went to sleep. I cried for two days. I realize now there is a difference between a dog loving another as a playmate/visitor and loving it as a permanent resident.
Roberta Beach says
Trish, this is the third blog entry this week I have read basically about “benevolence.” Those of us in rescue see a sliver of the true dog world – and a lot of it is not pretty but it is not the whole truth. People do care about their pets for the most part. We do need to be kind to one another. I also really appreciated your earlier entry about very responsible breeders – those who take their puppies back at any time int their lives, who counsel their customers and vet them carefully, who know the backgrounds and temperaments of their breed. a comment to one of the benevolent blogs also said as much. I do truly appreciate your courage and valuing of others’ opinions by sharing the care, training and love for your dogs, farm and husband. I will keep reading! Thank you.
Cindy Martin says
You have my whole-hearted support. Positive training requires a mind-shift, one that, hopefully, will ripple throughout ALL our interactions, with ALL species in our world. Overly optimistic? Maybe.
Let the perfect people, who make no mistakes cast the first stone.
Crystal says
Trisha, thank you for sharing about your life and your dogs, “mistakes” and all.
As someone with a Dog with Issues, I know how easy it is to make mistakes, even when I have the best of intentions in mind. It is oddly reassuring to know that experts make mistakes, too.
I do hope that, in the future, when your feelings aren’t as raw, you can write more about how to choose a second dog when the first has issues… or how to know if you should. My Maisy seems a lot like your Willie. I’ve thought about getting a second dog from time to time, but I’m not sure if she’d like that. I get the feeling she’d prefer to be an only dog, but even if she’d be okay with a “brother” or “sister,” I have no idea how to go about choosing one for her. I’d prefer a puppy, but maybe it’d be better to get an adult? Even so, how would I go about assessing if they are suited to one another?
Mistake or not, I can’t blame you for your decision. My Maisy is my heart dog, and while I have made a lifetime commitment to her, so if I suddenly saw a lot of backsliding in Maisy’s behavior after adding a second dog to the household, I would be hard pressed to keep that second dog, no matter perfect he may seem.
I know that rehoming a dog is painful, and I don’t envy you for your decision. As a result, I’ve avoided it by sheer virtue of having only one dog. I have no idea if Maisy and I are missing out on something wonderful as a result, though.
Anyway, regardless of the mistakes you did or did not make, it is brave of you to speak of it so candidly. I admire your honesty and your genuine nature.
Heidi Meinzer says
Right on! Thanks for the reminder, and for your willingness to share.
LynnSusan says
Trisha,
In addition to being an accomplished author, academic, and scientist, you are human. Your humanity, and the tiny window into your life that we are privileged to read about, is what distinguishes you from other, equally credentialed, behaviorists.
And as we all know,only too well, sometimes we make mistakes. But I like to think that things happen for a reason, and if a mistake is made a lesson can be learned. I also believe,like dogs, we learn the best when we learn from each other.
Even as recently as 5 years ago, I might have been judgmental (a breeder?–snort— re-homing? good grief!) but age and experience—and a dog who came from a breeder, and was re-homed to ME,has certainly changed my perspective on things.
But from the years I spent in rescue I also learned that we cannot ,not the smartest,most dog savvy, most educated among us , ever add in that ineffable quotient of fit,or chemistry or whatever you want to call it. So, even if things look perfect on paper,they don’t always work. That’s all. There is no blame. There is no guilt. There is no second guessing.
I have seen the great resiliency of dogs—abused, broken-hearted, and abandoned—they learn to trust again with an open heart. No blame. no guilt. They have so much to teach us.
I think Hope has taught all of us—your faithful readers—very valuable lessons.
And, after all, isn’t that why we read your blog?
I can’t wait to read the next installment.
Excelsior!
LynnSusan & Gracie
Teoti says
Dear Trisha, it’s very easy for people to judge from the comfort of their keyboards. I know some positive trainers who will give 92 chances to the resource-guarding, cat-killing Weimeraner/German Shepherd/Dachshund/Chihuahua mix with separation anxiety and a severe bite history, but will behead a fellow canine professional for daring to differ in opinion. It’s as if there is only enough benevolence for one species??
I think you did the absolute right thing for your situation and your family. But my opinion doesn’t count — only you could make this decision. I know it was terribly hard, and your tender heart ached at your choices. I’m sending you a hug.
You’ll get tons of support from those who understand. Just ignore the crankypants. 🙂
mon says
I appreciate your candor when posting about your decision. It is not a decision that should be taken lightly and I know you struggled with it and you made the best decision for yourself and your household.
I wish you the best in finding a playmate for Willie.
Dana says
((BIG HEAVY SIGH…..)) – for having “been there; done that.” Twice. (and still)
Just yesterday I received a wonderful, hand-written letter with photographs from a woman in whose family home I placed a beloved puppy of my breeding when the dog was 1 year old. One year of of pouring my heart and time into this dog. I sobbed non-stop for three days when she left. A year later, and occasionally I still have pangs of regret. But then there are the letters, the emails, the photos from the new family – filled with so much joy and gratitude that it makes me cry. This young dog that I placed is my heart dog, plain and simple. I will always wonder “what if” and “should I have,” at the same time that my heart bursts with love and pride knowing the impact she continues to have on her new family. I can only believe, because I must, that like all my dogs, she came into my life because she was a dog I needed in my life for a certain reason, for a certain period of time. We do not truly own these precious souls but are blessed to have them in our lives for even the shortest of times – and for that we cannot judge but only be eternally grateful.
Angel says
What perfect timing for me to read these words. My husband and his friend found a kitten near their work; he just avoided being hit by a semi-truck. My husband’s friend took him home Wednesday night until my husband could bring him to me. He and his wife cared for him, trying to hand feed him formula from a little bottle. He was not doing well, and they were afraid he wouldn’t make it through the night. He did, and my husband brought him home early Thursday morning and left him with me while he went back to work. I kept the little guy in our bedroom, away from our other two cats and dog. He was very young, too young to be away from his mother. He was so thin, I could feel each vertebra and rib. But he seemed to be doing ok. He didn’t want to eat the formula at all, so I gave him tuna juice, which he went to with gusto. He only ate a little bit, but he was tiny. I was just happy he was eating. He didn’t move around much unless I left him. Then he cried mightily and walked around quite well. He settled on my chest, nestled against my face and slept. I called a few vets in the area, and no one could see us until Friday. I was happy that the kitten seemed to be doing better but was still worried about him. And those decision points you wrote about, Trisha. I made the decision to leave the kitten for an hour or so, to take Bear to the dog park. He had been alone most of the day, with little interaction from me, let alone exercise or fun. I had just fed the kitten, he ate and used the litterbox and napped on my chest. And so I left him. He was gone when I came home. I was crushed and disappointed and hurting and angry at myself. Not benevolent at all. If only I had called more vets. If only I had insisted they see us today. If I had tried to feed him more. If I had tried to keep him warmer. If only I had stayed home. Why why did I leave him. If I had been here, he wouldn’t have died. And if he had, at least he wouldn’t have died alone.
Friends and family have been only supportive, loving and understanding towards me. Benevolent. Assuring me I did all I could, that the kitten was too far gone to be saved and that I made his last day a good one, giving him love, kindness and comfort in his last hours on Earth. And my mind tries to whisper that they are right. But my heart screams with grief for this lost kitten that I knew for only a day.
I named him Frankie. When he came to me, his eyes were crusted shut. I wiped them over and over with a warm washcloth, cleaning him as best I could as I held him. He finally was able to open first one and then the other, revealing to me his sweet blue eyes.
So thank you for reminding me that we all make mistakes. And that there are an infinite number of decisions made along the path we each are on, that all take us down different forks in the road, with different outcomes, consequences, and lessons. I believe in my heart that every thing happens for a reason. And thank you for reminding me to be benevolent. With others. With myself.
Tammy says
i remember exactly where i was the first time i saw petline – i had a break in between morning and afternoon classes in college. i went home, flipped on the tv, and was instantly captivated with what i saw (i watched religiously after that). complete and utter admiration from the start (kiss the hem of your pants, as you say, admiration). i still joke that i want to be trisha mcconnell when i grow up 🙂 i admire you even more now given the elegance and grace with which you have handled yourself, your situation with Willie and Hope, and your critics.
sure, life is chock full of mistakes, regret, and coulda, woulda, shoulda. i think the lessons are in how we handle them and what we learn from them. no doubt you learned as much from Hope in 4mos as he learned from you. mistake? hardly. he got the best start a dog could wish for in life. if you could ask him he would probably thank you. kudos for having the courage to do what was right for all involved!
now there is the little matter of my college tuition . . . my degree in applied math and physics is not so useful in my life as a dog trainer. you planted the seed – it’s only fair, where can i send the bill?
Andrea C. says
I’m just glad Hope is finally in his official fur-ever home now. Hopefully he can forget his past and look forward to his future with hopefully a great family who will love him dearly and truly make a lifetime commitment to him.
I was reading the other blog post and noticed you selected who you responded to. I, too, am interested in the contract talk from the other post now. And this is coming from someone who knows nothing about legal stuff, but it does interest me. The extent of my legal knowledge is jury duty lol, but the questions did make me wonder and I noticed you chose not to respond to them, so now I’m wondering even more.
Kim Weyhrich says
I rehomed what I felt/feel was the most loyal dog I’d ever know. She was around five when we moved into town from living on a 10 acre tree farm. While talking to our new neighbors across our fence which was a new 5 footer, Hallie would jump straight up and growl and bark straight into face of Bob on one side of our yard and Alan on the other side. I wanted to protect her from doing something which would ruin her life. I couldn’t let that happen to her. So she got a home with a man who hauled race horses around the midwest and she always went with him. She was an excellent deterent to anyone wanting to mess with the cargo they were hauling! She lived a better and safer life than she could have with me.
Debby says
I don’t think that it was a mistake bringing home Mick or Hope, it was a choice with risks that you accepted responsibility for. There was a good chance that they would have gotten along, being puppies and with your knowledge and experience. It is unfortunate that it didn’t work out as planned, but it did work out in the end and much knowlegde was gained from it.
The fact that Hope and Willie are doing so much better immediately shows that the decision to rehome Hope was the best. For those that are critical I understand that they are upset, but I don’t think it is actually about this situation, they, like me are angry at the number of dogs in shelters because their owners never gave them a fair chance or disguarded them like old shoes. And for those that can’t get over the rehoming issue, about how difficult it is on dogs, they are right when dogs end up in shelters, but yours never did.
I do agree that we should be more forgiving with fellow humans, as many of us are with dogs. I however can not accept harsh physical punishment towards dogs for any reason.
Nancy says
It’s not just about Hope. Not to me. Hope will be fine and he’s young and able to shift gears (lucky pups, aren’t they, though?) and adjust to a new home very well.
It’s Will. I have a Will dog too and I know that my first obligation is to him. OK, I don’t really always know that. In fact, I forget it quite often. I saw a darling puppy up for adoption and really (really really!) wanted to investigate it further. I really wanted to hold him and I imagined having a cutie I could take everywhere. And then I pictured my “Will” behaving in very realistic ways, in ways I know he would, and I knew I needed to stop with any further investigation. Shoot. And my Will dog has some years in front him. Shoot indeed.
But, in the meantime I have a quirky dog that most people (and trainers, trust me, I’ve asked) would have given up on long ago and yet here he is, with me still. And he’s my best buddy. He follows me everywhere and nothing rocks his world like I do. He’s happy and he plays hard and has fun, even if his world has become a much smaller one.
I’m so glad to have been able to read your story. It’s definitely my mantra (albeit a longish one).
Jen in OH says
My sympathies and congratulations, Trisha. I volunteered with the local animal control for four intense years, and one of the most important things I learned was when it was better to let go than hang on. The people I respect the most are the ones who can admit that they have to let a furbaby go, then do everything they can to responsibly re-home them. It is gut wrenching, no doubt, but there is also something great and noble about putting another living thing’s best interest above your own fears, doubts, pain and pride. Please accept my sympathies that Hope didn’t work out with Willie, and my congratulations on facing the critics (& if you’re anything like me, I’m always my harshest) and doing what was best for all of you.
Annie R says
So interesting to reflect on the difference between a “well-thought-out” decision and a “well-intuited” decision about bringing a new dog into a home/pack. I personally made the two worst mistakes of my dog-owning life when I “over-thought” the decision about adopting each of two different dogs that were older and needed re-homed.
I’ve done much better when I allowed my feelings and “gut instinct” to rise higher into my awareness as I consider a new dog; not that it should completely rule the decision, but when I didn’t allow those factors in, my very analytical process turned out to be really missing something important about what would make a successful family/pack mix. The bottom line seems to be to be really present, paying attention to many levels of one’s own mind, and boy is that hard to do in the moment!
It also helps to have a “trial period”, which was required of me with a senior dog rescue organization who insisted that my sweet little blue-merle Aussie come to stay at my house for two weeks before a final decision to keep him. Best process ever of adding a new dog to the pack! I took some pix in the park at about 10 days in and looking at them, could see the great body language that both my old guys were displaying, and the pack order that had emerged easily and spontaneously. So I’d say yes to the fostering idea, Trisha, it is a good way to go to see how Will might do with a new companion.
Eric Goebelbecker says
There are no mistakes, just things we haven’t tried yet.
Lisa W says
I am a new reader (and writer) to this blog, having found it from your books. I am hooked. I love your stories and your point of view.
The term “rescue” has a lot of baggage attached to it. Who is rescuing whom and from what is tricky business. Much has been written about adopting rescue dogs, and as the late Vicki Hearne wrote,
“. . . the humane movement . . . is a complex issue.”
Trisha, your decision seems to have come from a place outside your own ego and that’s when it’s truly a selfless action.
I am somewhat amused and a little surprised at the idea some seem to have that “experts” can’t or don’t make mistakes. (I don’t really see any of this as a mistake, rather a series of events that help prepare you for what may come next.) Our expectations often come from we want to be true, not from what is actual or even possible.
We have three dogs that came from somewhere else, dogs that needed a home, that needed time, and that needed good company. We have also rehomed a few dogs in the past that needed to live in a place different than ours.
We keep making the best choices we can and each relationship adds to our knowledge and hopefully teaches us something. We do what we do because, in my opinion, dogs make us better people.
barrie says
“Many of them think I am raving mad for writing about my own dogs in public.”
Not that I am in your stratosphere of professional training at all but I have a really crazy 3 year old Australian Cattle Dog and what I had honestly always feared just happened to me the other day: I had her with me when I was giving a lesson as demo dog – now this is a dog who is on 20 mg of prozac twice a day, will not allow other people to touch her and has come close to seriously injuring my Jack Russell Terrier on several occasions – I had the client step on Jellybean’s lead to do a restrained recall. Jellybean performed perfectly and my client said, “of COURSE Jellybean did it!” The implication being that Jellybean is a really good dog and all of this just comes naturally 😉
From day one I have been saying that one day Jellybean will be okay and no one will remember how crazy she was and so won’t give me any praise for having worked so hard with her. That, to me, is one great reason to be honest about the dogs dog trainers have and what they go through to “fix” those dogs!
You give us all Hope when you so generously open up your life with all its problems and solutions to us 🙂
Brenda says
Tricia, learning to let go is one of the hardest things to learn.
I once had two rescued, female, Greyhounds. The younger one, Hayley, kept roughing up the older, Sophia who was more shy. Soph would try to play with Hayley and it kept turning into fights while I was away, never while I was there to observe. After 3 trips to the vets for a couple of stitches, in as many weeks, my vet recommended that I re-home one of them as this was way too often for her to be under anesthesia.
I reluctantly gave up the younger, Hayley, as she was more adoptable. I kept the shy Sophia as my dog for the rest of her life. My mistakes were not finding a way for them to be separated while I was not home and not coming to my vet’s conclusion much sooner.
I had trouble letting go of Hayley, and asked the person who adopted her to keep in touch and if they ever didn’t want to keep her just let me know. They declined, I felt embarrassed for asking, and Hayley went on to a great family.
Jen says
The honesty of your experience and that of other trainers I greatly respect who write about the trials, tribulations and sometimes sadly heartbreak is invaluable. I know I’ve made mistakes raising my current pup, and I appreciate the reminder to be benevolent with myself, so that I can give the same understanding to others.
Not to mention that knowing even experienced and wise dog people deal with behavioral issues in their own dogs too. Being able to learn and add to my own (tiny right now, but growing) toolbox really helps.
@Annie R > I love that you mentioned taking pix of how your new dog was acting in the group, such a great way to be able to be more objective. Definitely going to use your tip (and look for a good rescue with a trial period, luckily there’s quite a few around here) when I finally get to add to me & Z.
DebraS says
This is a wonderful post and words that speak to my heart as someone who struggles daily with a decision I made concerning my last dog. I read some of the neg. criticism yesterday and have been mulling over how I thought about it. As to the timing of adding a new dog to your home, this is a decision that is yours alone. It is the right time when you say it is and no one has any business second-guessing. To anyone who says it was an emotional decision…Gee, I have always felt getting a dog was an emotional decision. Timing? Is it ever a right time, the most convenient time to get a dog? Not in my life which seems to be one danged thing after another with illness, bad economy and now 80 hour work weeks (so good to have a job tho).
Trisha, you are so generous to share these bits of your life with us. I learn so much from this blog. Do not stop, please. But none of us should make the mistake that we see or know the whole picture. You do not have the time to write it (or the wish) and we do not have the time to read it. I look at your body of work and the processes you share in your writing. I know that you are a farm-owner, a business-owner, a trained and certified behaviorist, a university professor and scientist, a skilled writer, a wife and a dog owner, and much else I am certain. I look at all of that and I say to myself that you know what you are doing. You have credibility with me and your decisions have my support–wholeheartedly. If the perfect home had not become available for Hope, it is obvious that for sometime you would have continued working with him and Willie, although I must say, I am glad for Willie’s sake (and Hope’s) that the perfect home did become available. Sometimes opportunity drops into your lap and you must jump on it rather than dither. The litter of pups from your esteemed friend was an opportunity–or so it seemed at the time. I wish we could control more in our lives, but with other living organisms, they sometimes turn out differently than we desire. A pup is not a lump of clay. I know you will continue to look for a companion for Willie because it is a wonderful gift that you can give him.
My Hope is doing quite well. He has gained 5 lbs and the vet says he has just a couple more to go to be at normal weight. I will write you off-line and send a pic…soon. So busy with work. Best to you.
Ellen Pepin says
Tricia, thank you so much for sharing all of this with us in such a beautifully written piece. I learn so much from reading this blog. As I wrote before, the final decision was your’s to make, for you are the person who knows the dogs better than any one.
I like the concept of life being on continuos mistake. That seems about right to me. Hopefully, we will learn something each time we do something we might regret. If we all learned from out mistakes, the world wouldn’t be in so much trouble.
Claire says
Thank you again for these heartfelt and very honest entries. You have allowed us all into a part of your life that has been controversial and painful. I really hope that the people who come on here and are mean do not deter you from sharing your stories in the future. The fact that Willie and Hope are both doing so well just shows that the best decision was made. The fact that the humans are the only ones hurting says to me that this really was a self-less decision. Thank you again, and I do hope you continue to share your stories with us.
Jo says
First off, I am so jealous of your lessons with Mr. McRae! I am hoping someday to be able to have a chance to learn from him.
Brilliant post! I describe one of my BCs as a “higher functioning autistic” dog, which I realize isn’t technically correct since we don’t know that dogs can be autistic, but if fits. He is a very smart dog but he has a hard time filtering out all of life’s information this is coming at him from all directions at the same time. He is getting much better, thanks to some supplements and maturity, but he has taught me so much in the short time I have had him. The most important thing was to not judge people who have difficult dogs or who manage their dogs differently than I do. This dog taught me empathy and compassion. Thankfully I learned to accept the dog I had and I let go of blaming myself for his issues and I stopped caring about those who chose to blame me for my dog’s behavior. Sadly, it seems to be human nature to need to blame someone and find fault. Sometimes there really is nothing and no one to blame, we do the best we can and move on. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. I don’t know that I would want another dog with the same issues as my autistic boy has, but I wouldn’t trade him for the world because I love the heck out of him, and I am so thankful for the experience, if only for the change in attitude it brought about in me.
Beth says
We all make mistakes! I think, perhaps, that from the outside looking in there was only one real mistake. When I read your process of choosing a puppy, you had serious misgivings about each of the puppies you brought home.
If there is one lesson to be learned (by all of us) in this, it’s that there is always another litter and another puppy. If you have a puppy reserved from a litter, and when you go visit none of the puppies is just what you are looking for, the best option might be to wait for another litter. There is no perfect dog, but there is a “perfect” dog for each of us. It’s very human, though, to not want to wait. We sometimes have a puppy on hold from before they are born. We like the breeder, we like the bitch, we like the litter, and then when they hit eight weeks or so and can be tested, what happens if none of the dogs fits? So much has already been invested, it’s nearly impossible to walk away.
You had misgivings and didn’t, in the end, go with that gut feeling. Now, knowing what we know of Willie, perhaps even the “perfect” puppy would not have worked out. “What if’s” can drive us crazy.
I think, perhaps, that if a client had called you on her cell phone and said “Trisha, I’m assessing the litter with the breeder, and a few prospects seem promising BUT I’m worried about X, Y, or Z” you would have counseled your client to get in the car and drive away. But being there, seeing the furry bundles and having your heart set on taking home a puppy makes that very hard to do.
Lolly says
One of the things I see in this journey is the truth that not all dogs are good maches for each other, and not all humans are good matches for all dogs.
Somehow because of the tremendous human/canine bond, the myth lives that it should always be perfect, and if it isn’t, we just didn’t try hard enough, or long enough to make it so.
Trisha you said, “If at all possible, it is our responsibility to know the dog well enough to know what he or she needs, and then help them get it.”
It is, after all, about the dogs!
This subject – rehoming dogs and writing about it in public is so frought.
Any time a relationship whether it is between humans or humans and animals doesn’t work out, the feelings we are left with are often raw, and remain unfinished. Even after time passes, we are left with unanswered questions, and ends that will not be neatly tied up into a bow.
Not only are there the decisions we make, but when carried out in a public forum, the judgements of people who only know what has been written about on the printed page, and not the things we don’t choose to write about.
The internet is a wonderful, terrible thing.
We all benefit from your willingness to share your knowledge and experience, and you get the roses and the thorns in return.
It sounds like both Willie and Hope are doing well and moving on.
Having returned, and thus rehomed one of my dogs, I have some understanding of the pain you feel. From other experiences, I have some understanding of living out painful experiences in public which made them even more painful.
You have my support, my admiration for your professional contributions, and for your humanity.
Be kind to yourself.
Melissa says
Yes, thank you for this profound post. It is certainly apt and something I needed to hear this week as well. Someone who does not know me or my dogs very well felt a need to tell me all the things that make me an unpleasant person and a bad owner for my dogs. Contrary to what they thought I woud do, I listened and I thought about it. For about 2 days non-stop. Eventually I concluded that I was doing the best I could as a person and a dog owner and I was happy with who I was and my relationship with my dogs and the kind of life they lead with me. This person probably made a mistake in confidently airing their opionion about me to me, but it’s just one extra little tiny mistake than a string of similar ones I have made in the past. And hearing it did prompt me to pick up the pace on some of the things I have been doing to try to help my dogs have more relaxed lives. I think in the end it doesn’t really matter what was said by whom and whether it was a mistake or not. It has happened and I have dealt with it in the most sensible way I know how. I considered it rationally and I kept my more unkind thoughts on the matter to places where they could do no harm, and I looked for the similarities I shared with this person so that I could move beyond my own hurt feelings. And then I moved on all together, as it’s all there is left after that.
Tommy Neblett says
Inspirational as always. Thank you, I very much needed that tonight. I can only hope to be as honest with myself as you are with yourself.
Maggi And Cracker says
This is a beautiful post, Trisha.
I am a frequent user of many dog related (mostly) forums and am always saddened to see the amount of vitriol and misunderstandings that occur, both purposely and accidentally. We all would benefit if people were more likely to look benevolently upon each other, even in difficult circumstances that may offend our personal sensibilities. This doesn’t mean we can never be angry or never stand up for our beliefs, it means we should realize that we are not privy to the entire picture and being individuals cannot ever be. We should be as gentle to the humans, many who have their own wounds, as we are to our beloved animals. This is the way to open communication, to ensure clarity and to educate.
Empathy is key.
I agree that life is a series of mistakes, though, wishing to remain positive I like to think of it as a series of clarifying moments. We can’t be clear until we know if it has worked or not, they are all moments of learning. Points of memory hopefully burned into our brains that say “oh I guess I won’t do that again” or “yeah, maybe next time I’ll try x instead of y” or even “I’ll do it again, but with Z added”. It’s learning.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
Shalea says
I’ve worked in a no-kill animal rescue now (the work of my heart, not the work that pays the bills) for a decade, and in that time I’ve come to the conclusion that even in the cases that seem egregious, it is better to give up an animal that for it to be in a home where it doesn’t fit or it is not loved. No matter how inane a reason might be, it doesn’t accomplish anything to blame a person for making the choice of rehoming a pet.
And if I can have compassion for inanity, I certainly have nothing but sympathy and empathy for a person in your situation, Trish, who gives up a dog (or a cat) BECAUSE they love him or her and they come to the hard decision that their home is not the most suitable.
Jennifer says
I love that you are sharing your mistakes and being honest. I struggle with it on my own blog. How much do I want to share? Not all the readers will understand the writer’s perspective. All in all, there is nothing noble about keeping the wrong dog. I do greyhound rescue and sometimes I have to persuade folks to return a greyhound that is simply not a good fit. Sometimes it is just a bad match. And I try to make the suggestion before the person is exasperated with the breed or too afraid to try again. Its wonderful when you can right the wrong and everyone lives happy ever after in their new matches.
Ginny says
Thank you.
As someone working in a shelter environment feeling the pangs of failure on so many different levels from political to procedural to personal, I thank you for the reminder to forgive. To forgive “them” and to forgive ourselves for not being able to do it all right all of the time.
Sherry says
Trisha–if I may say, I think your work with Will has probably been so effective, many people have forgotten or haven’t read enough of the blog to know Will was originally a dog with severe issues you have put much time and effort in training.
It’s not like you had a well-adjusted dog to begin with, and the second dog was ruining its life.
Instead, you had originally saved what people would call a “problem” dog–and it was going to take as much work–or maybe more–to now help both dogs become comfortable with each other and the new situation.
Anyways, kudos to you. It is tough work trying to instill new behaviors in any dog that is fearful or anxious…I don’t think the rescue we have is even close to “difficult” territory, but I have still found myself fed up and upset at times because of his issues. Fortunately our other two dogs aren’t quite as challenging…I could not imagine having to do training work with a second anxious or “challenging” dog, on top of the first one.
Heidi Meinzer says
Whether each step can actually be labeled a mistake or not, the only true “mistake” is not learning as you go and taking actions accordingly. That you have undoubtedly done, resulting in learning even more about Will and getting Hope to a great home. Due to your willingness to share your experiences, we hopefully will all be able to take something from this and make better decisions. Thanks again!
Mary says
Lovely writing, lovely thoughts.
Life may be one continuous mistake….but in this situation we have 2 happier dogs…where’s the mistake in that?
Thank you, Trish, for reminding us humans of our better traits – compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, benevolance. Trying to achieve these ideals gives meaning to our lives and put us on the path of being spiritual beings.
Allison says
I guess it helps ease pain, but I don’t really like the “life is on continuous mistake” thing…it just seems negative…especially when we have 2 dogs that are as happy as ever – one (Hope) who is literally happier than he’s ever been. It saddens me that people are so judgmental that it has caused you to perhaps not focus enough on the outcome – Hope would not be where he is now if all of this hadn’t happened.
If everyone spent as much time and thought on the animals of the world as Trisha does, the world would certainly be a better place. And if everyone spent less time judging others actions, and more time influencing change in a positive way, it would be even better.
I prefer to try to celebrate and live in the now like Willie and Hope are doing – and not focus on the steps that led us here. 🙂 Mistakes? Maybe. Maybe not. Happy ending? Definitely. Now let yourself enjoy the happy ending!!
Thanks Trisha for being a positive influence on my life and the lives of those I influence…through all your writings and this blog!
Debby says
Trisha, I think “Life is One Continuous Mistake” is too pessimistic and that you must have been really down when you chose that theme.
We certainly do need to forgive ourselves and others for the mistakes we make but I perfer to look at it from a more optimistic perspective.A friend told me when I had made a beaut of a mistake, “In school we study the lesson and then we take the test but in life we take the test and THEN we learn the lesson”
It is how we then make use of the lessons that shows whether we have gained wisdom. I read your books and blog because I find so much wisdom there. I know you will learn from these experiences and will share that with us but like many others who have commented, I don’t think your experiences in choosing a new dog were mistakes.
Bruce says
Hi Trisha, I have been reading your blog for about 2 years now, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all of the knowledge that you share. I hope to see you at the Madison Humane Society on the 23rd. And, if luck is on my side, I may even get to talk to you.
By the way I think it is great that you use your own personal experiences with your own dogs to teach others.
Thanks.
Anne Gibson says
I seriously need to re-think my own capacity to forgive due to your post. I have 2 rescued GSDs (always have). My most recent was a big bully named ‘Raj’. I spotted him in a park and admired him to his owner bc he was a larger male version of my female Sable. Promptly the owner said to me ?”Do you want him?” I was dumbfounded. “Why don’t you want him?” “He attacks everything he sees, beats up puppies, charges people and hates kids-and my boyfriend doesn’t like him. He says he is a lawsuit waiting to happen.” I asked her, “Has he ever hurt a dog in a fight, broken the skin?’ “No” “Has he ever ACTUALLY bitten anybody?” “No”..”Well,” I said, “Then he is just guilty of bad manners.” To make a long story short, my Sable got sick and died of cancer very quickly. I felt like I had been hit by a bus. Just 2 weeks after she died I got a call from this woman saying that Raj had “charged” some kids and “one way or the other, by the end of the week”, he would be gone!
I was not ready to take this on but I couldn’t just let this dog be destroyed, so I took him.
I was HIGHLY judgmental of this woman… angry… I had just lost my beloved Illa to cancer and here she was GIVING her dog to a stranger in a park!
It was hard to love him for a good year because he was a total bully. He embarrassed me in public and I frustrated me at home. I learned from locals that he had been shut on a balcony of a condo all day long and barked constantly and that, because of his shedding, he was not allowed in the living room, bedroom etc..In other words, he was locked out of the ‘family areas’ and away from any ‘pack’ and too, locked in the laundry room when kids visited.
When she arrived at my door to (in my eyes) discard the dog, she was crying. This enraged me! What right did she have to cry bc she was dumping off her dog on a stranger while my beloved Illa had died of cancer and I would have given anything for her to live! How unfeeling, I now realize that was.
I heard, later, from someone who had talked to her that she “placed the dog with the best possible person” and for her not to worry.
He is now 9yrs old and is the biggest cuddle-bun around. Yes, if he had his way he would gleefully pummel his way through the park but now he has learned that behaviour gets him leashed.
Long and short of it is… tho I may not be the BEST home possible, I am better than what he had and, judging by his constant smile and relaxed face, he is happier here.
She did the right thing. She could not cope with a large bully GSD and while I had my doubts myself many times, I realize that he and I have come to an understanding and he has taught me more about patience, compassion and the power of positive training more than any other GSD I have had.
We went through some very tough times together but in the end, I love him more deeply for all he has taught me. He is in a better place and she did the right thing. I shouldn’t be angry or judgmental of her. I have a wonderful dog now. He is happy. That is all that matters.
Robin says
There are so many good lessons in this story and in the comments people have made. I am fortunate to have read here. Benevolence is harder at some times than others. I also think some commentors are angry towards the people who do shed themselves of animals like they were old shoes. That doesn’t apply here but I understand the anger that leads them to judge and I hope I am always able to see past my own anger at people who are careless with animal lives.
Sue C says
Thanks so much for all the blog posts on this summer’s topic. Thanks especially for this most recent post as it is one of my favorite quotes as well. Another favorite of mine, that has aided me tremendously during times of difficult decisions:
“Do the best you can and don’t take life too serious.” Will Rogers
Dr. McConnell the level of sharing you do on your blog leads me to believe that you do indeed view the world with a compassionate eye. When we believe in the compassion of others it diminishes our fear of sharing ourselves and our lives.
Thanks so much for these posts as they’ve helped me tremendously these last months.
Margaret T says
I agree that calling life a series of mistakes, especially what happened with your dogs, Trisha, is harsh. How about saying life is a series of learning experiences? Those of us who read your blog are fortunate that you are sharing these experiences so perhaps we will not make some mistakes that others have made.
I’m not going to say that what you did was make mistakes, because Will is happy, and so is Hope.
When I began to work with a breed rescue, I expected to really dislike the people whose dogs I assess to see if we can work with them. But I very seldom did. You’re right: most people do the best they can. Yes, they made mistakes in not looking ahead, in not doing the research. But the dog will benefit from rehoming.
So thank you for sharing with us, this difficult decision and the outcome, and so much more.
Kathy says
Thank you for sharing this story. I am currently reading your book, loaned to me by a friend, as I work to do the very best job I can at training a new puppy as both a companion and a hunting partner. I had to re-home a dog last year, after having him with me for 14 months, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. However, I am happier, and the dog has a great new home and it appears he is happier, and our “old” dog is happier, and our new puppy is a happy little guy, too. So it was worth it. The friend who loaned me your book asked me if I had considered all the decision points involved in me getting just the right pup and in my former dog finding his best possible home…and I hadn’t, but now that I have, I believe once again that things always work out the way they are supposed to be. Thanks again for sharing your struggle with this, and thanks for the great ideas I am gaining from “the other end of the leash”!
Marie says
It’s always nice to hear even the experts live in the real world with real dogs. Not everything can be “fixed” in the way “we” want it to be. (silly humans!)
And remember, when all else fails, you can always turn off your comment area to get a break! VBG
Tail wags!!
trisha says
To all who see “life is a continuous mistake” as a negative — it’s not meant that way, truly. Try saying it with a big smile on your face, or while giggling out loud. It is meant merely to remind us all to be both humble and forgiving, of ourselves and of others. I wrote it in part because it is my opinion that the people who are most critical of others are often people who have not forgiven themselves for something. Surely it is often true that we can’t forgive others until we forgive ourselves.
For the record, although I have made a multitude of mistakes in my life, (I wrote “multidude” at first, and almost kept it because it sounds so funny) and will make a multitude more, placing Hope in his new home was not one of them. I just saw him today. He is thriving, and couldn’t be happier. Willie sniffed him once, and turned his head away and refused to acknowledge him again. (This after enthusiastically greeting several other dogs; so interesting. )
I am gratified that this story has been helpful to so many readers. I suspect that it is easy to forget sometimes how much we all struggle with this love we have for animals who are part of our families, and yet are not members of our own species. I just ask that people be as kind and caring to other people as they believe that they are to dogs.
Lorrie Villarreal says
Thank you for sharing your life with your dogs and all that encompasses with us and, by doing so, helping to me to see more clearly my relationship with my own dog.
Dogdaes says
I’m a bit of a lurker on most dog blogs, but I was just talking about this very issue-rehoming in dogs with a fellow dog trainer. We both agreed that we have seen many clients who keep dogs who do not get along/separated, who just aren’t the right match, etc. for the sake that they cannot let go of the dog. In some ways, I too fit in that category though it was different in that I lived having to keep one of my roommate’s dogs separated from mine for several years. I regret now what I put my dog through as there was always tension and stress. Once my roommate moved out, my dog was happy as a lark and gradually his old behaviors, like playing with toys again, came back around. I often thought that my roommate’s dog who no longer got along with my dog, would have been much happier in a one dog household (we had 5 at the time), but I know she refused to go that route. And in the end, the poor dog was truly not happy as he could have been.
I commend you greatly for sharing this saga so publicly as so many people grapple with similar issues. I agree with you that most people do try to do the best they can, and it is so important for all of us to keep a compassionate heart. Even when I did not agree with a decision made by a fellow dog trainer, I always felt that they knew what was best for that particular dog, and kept a compassionate heart at what they were going through.
I’m so glad that this situation has had a happy ending. I think you took a whole of lot of consideration into making this very difficult decision. And in a sense, it is truly one of the most selfless, honorable things you can do for a dog. Because, in the end, I think most of us want them to be happy and content.
D says
Eloquent post, Trisha, and many equally eloquent responses.
I agree, “Life is one continuous mistake” is not negative, unless one makes it so. We all learn from our mistakes, when our minds are open to the lessons.
Related topic – I just read “Bounce” by Matthew Syed…not about dogs, but still worth reading! I’m paraphrasing, but one of his points is that the most successful people in any field tend to fail more often as well, and they learn and grow from their mistakes.
One of my biggest dog mistakes was using some of the harsh training methods under the direction of a top obedience instructor, in search of those elusive perfect scores in the obedience ring. I regret that, but I have moved on to positive techniques, and my benevolent soul-mate dog has forgiven me, of that I am sure.
Laurie says
I don’t really think we make mistakes when things are carefully considered and handled with integrity. Even it things don’t go as we planned, they are events on the path we are on. Your path and willies and hopes cross for a bit, and you made decisions thoughtfully about the directions you could control. Thank you for sharing your journey. We all read you blog because you challenge us and help us to think about those decisions we make. But it is also YOUR life and your heart that has to guide your path.
Who knows what ripple effects Hope will have on your world, Willies and ours? For example, your article about Hope chasing the cat inspired a new approach with my Aussies who were obsessing on one of my cats. Way back in May I tried something different I modified from your technique… Your article on positive punishment carefully applied, and we are living in a much more relaxed and peaceful home. My cat is happier. The humans are happier. And with that issue under control I have the mental resources to work more on local rescue efforts. And the technique to inform my conversations with people with issues with their dogs.
I love this most recent post. I try hard to remembeer when my dogs are not listening that they are individual beings and anything we do is in relationship. Then we go back to our human canine conversation that will likely continue throughout our lives.
Thanks Gain for sharing.
Laurie
Margaret Bond says
Reminds me that
Frances says
“Thanks as always for … letting us travel the journey with you” – perfectly worded, Margaret. I remember reading Paul Theroux’s Great Railway Bazaar, and thinking “What a wonderful adventure!”, and then, when in the final chapter he crossed mile after mile, day after day, of bleak, empty Siberia – “Thank you, now I do not have to do that”. I do not know if life is a continuous mistake, or a “learning experience”, but if we cannot learn from others we have to make all those mistakes – or have all those learning experiences – ourselves. And if we are too embarrassed, or too proud, to share our experiences, we deny others any opportunity of learning. My toy poodle, Poppy, is finally entering a tricky late adolescence – and keeping the balance between the dogs and cats, and the neighbours, is going to take some careful work over the next months. I know that I learn something from every post and every comment in this blog – so Thank You to Trisha and everyone else.
Joyce says
I love this! I am printing it out to share and to keep for myself. I will read it from time to time to help me along life’s path. I have been thinking along the same lines lately, but you put it into words so well. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
P.S. I never comment on the blogs I read. That is how profoundly you have touched me with your words.
Kat says
It reminds me of my sister’s comment on child rearing “every day you do the best you can but some days the dragon wins.”
Your blog, book, etc. have such a profound positive impact and make such a difference in the lives of dogs and their people. I had extra cause to be grateful a couple of nights ago. We’d taken my dog and gone to visit my parents and grandmother. My brother and his family came up for dinner and brought their younger more social dog. Because I’ve been following the Will and Hope saga I had a much better idea of what I was seeing as these canine cousins met and where I needed to intervene. The dogs did not take to one another at all but were able to coexist without too much stress or tension for the duration of the visit. My brother and I were consistently reinforcing all positive or neutral behaviors and redirecting the negative ones. It gave me greater appreciation of what it must have been like at your house with two dogs that were not interacting positively. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted after three hours and heaved a big sigh of relief when the other dog was taken home. My brother and I apparently handled the two dogs and their interactions so successfully that my parents hadn’t been aware that there was any problem at all. How differently things appear watching from the outside compared to being in the midst of it. And we had the added benefit of two solid dogs that simply did not take to one another rather than an adolescent pup and a dog with issues.
Mel says
Patricia – Thank you for sharing your story and decision to re-home Hope. I know it was not an easy one. Coming from a shelter environment, it can be easy to blame the “they” who would give up their dog or re-home them. Maybe “they” didn’t work to train their dog. Maybe “they” should have realized their life was too busy. But the truth is sometimes it doesn’t work out, and re-homing is not always a bad decision.
You have given me a lot to think about when it comes to how we judge others and how they interact with their dogs. Just like Dr V at Pawcurious did regarding euthanasia and whether the person stays in the room with the pet or not.
Thank you for being willing to share and to force all of us to think about how we interact with other humans in relation to our dogs. Kudos to you.
Kerry L. says
Allow me echo the words of so many others – I got my first dog, Alice, when I was 46 year old. Yes, I’d had cats and horses along the way, but dogs were a whole new world for me. Alice and I attended years of obedience classes and had lots of fun but I was always worried about doing the ‘wrong’ thing or just doing things with her badly. Alice is gone and now I have Walter, a whole new world of dogness and a new batch of worries for me about whether I’m doing the right thing or am the right person for him. Reading your books and your blog have let me relax and just enjoy my dogs for who they are and what they, and I, can accomplish (or not). I consider you my doggie mentor. Thank you.
Jodena Hollatz says
Dear Patricia,
I enjoyed your article but not the statement, “Life is one continuous mistake.” That has such a negative connotation. My life is not a mistake. I make mistakes, true, but I can choose to learn from them. Life is a series of choices, some good, some not so good, but life is joy.
Jodena
Dogcatcher says
Whenever I teach a compassion fatigue class I ask the shelter workers the following:
How many of you have ever had to re-home a pet?
NONE of them raise their hands.
How many of you have ever fostered a pet to see if it would work out?
ALL of them raise their hands.
How many of you did not keep the foster pet?
ALL of them raise their hands.
Let’s talk about the definition of “re-homing” then.
It’s all to help foster more compassion for those who we serve after becoming jaded by pet rescue.
I once took my own dog to a specialty clinic and saw
-a man bring a 20 year old cat for serial glucose testing. He dropped off a special blanket with her and a gourmet lunch.
-a man with a cocker spaniel cancer patient who paid $20 and said he’d be back next week with another $20 because given the options his dog would have done the same for him.
-a woman with a three legged dog who had…..only one arm.
These are the people dog catcher’s do not meet every day. It’s easy to forget you exist.
D
Dulce says
Patricia:
To me, your actions can only be described as selfless. Losing a dog is incredibly difficult, regardless of what form that loss takes. I can’t even begin to imagine the difficulty you faced in making your decision, but you made a choice that promised a better, happier life for both your boys, and that is only to be admired. Those who believe re-homing is ALWAYS wrong do not see the whole picture, I’m afraid. In this, as in most things in life, a “black or white” perspective is misguided and often leads to suffering. Kudos to you for making the more difficult choice, knowing it would lead to a better life for all concerned.
Adrienne K says
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with your readers. The choice to have animals means that ultimately you will have to make tough decisions. The right answer isn’t always clear and it is easy for others to judge. I think it is inspiring that an expert such as yourself can still experience the same problems that the rest of us do. Thank you so much!
Mary Beth says
Trisha, I am sooooo very glad you share your experiences! You are the one who can translate scientific behavior speak in to every day terms! Thank you a hundred times over! Especially for sharing the difficult things too.
I know a certified veterinary behaviorist who’s dogs while running at large bit people on multiple occasions. I’ll leave that person unnamed, but I have to think that all their time spent in the research lab, certainly did not leave them armed with the knowledge they needed to apply to their own dogs in real life. Very very sad.
And for the people who criticize your decisions, remember, those who live in glasses houses should not thrown stones!
The best of us have had days when we’ve yelled at our dogs, had bad timing in training, or inadvertently taught our dogs the opposite of what we intended.
Thank you for sharing the highlights and joys of owning and training your dogs and the emotional lows and difficulties.
Ignacio says
Thanks for sharing this. It’s really hard to TRULY put yourself in someone else’s shoes before passing judgement (I must admit I was pretty disappointed myself when I saw you went to a breeder as opposed to a shelter). I truly believe you did what you did with the best intentions, and that’s what’s important.
LS says
I found this to be so moving. Thank you for your heartfelt writing.
“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.” -Dalai Lama
Mary says
“I am especially thankful, and impressed, by some of the most insightful comments: that perhaps placing a dog in another home brings up deep-seated, personal issues of belonging and a fear of rejection and of failure
Tania says
You could look at it as one continuous mistake. Or you could look at it as the path life takes, with ups and downs along the way. Who says that just because you brought Hope home and he ended up somewhere else in the long run, that a mistake was made at some point? Maybe Hope is exactly where he was meant to be all along, and maybe the way the universe got him there was to put Willie in his path to indicate to you that you were supposed to bring him home, where he was supposed to stay for just a short time to get a wonderful start in life before moving on to where he was supposed to be ultimately. Just another way of looking at things . . .
Marlene says
I have been following your blog, I think you are very courageous, and I would never ever second guess any decision you made regarding Hope and Willie. Living with dogs on a daily basis is very intense as compared to listening to stores about them. Those who are in a particular situation like yours should not be judged.
I have, in the past 2 years, lost each of my 12 year old Cairn Terriers. My daughter has gone to college and I am ready.
I am getting a Berger Picard. She is a Shepherd from France. Not very popular in US. They are gorgeious, wonderful dispositions, easy coat care (coats are like hair and sort of hard). They are supposed to be EXCELLENT
Marlene says
Forgive me, I pushed a button by mistake.
…EXCELLENT sheep herders. They are beautiful, sweet, hard working, calm indoors, loads of energy outdoors.
Here are a couple of sights, and one video:
Who knows, you may just fall, I did and everyone I know who is connected with this dog are crazy over them. Apparently, they are a bit unique.
http://alpha-natura.dk/picard004ENGLISH.swf
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzxS3VQr92Y&feature=related
Lots of people have youtubes of their dogs herding.
ENJOY!! These dogs are awesome!!!!!!!!
Thank you so much for all that you have contributed to your readers, and the world at large, on the behalf of dogs.
Marlene
Roswell, GA and soon to be companion to this awesome dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ed says
Beautiful post – as a Texan, not a Buddhist, I take my quotes from C&W music: If I had my life to live all over, it wouldn’t matter anyway.”
I have learned a lot about training – and more about people and how kind they can be – from my troubled dog.
She is so not the dog I wanted, but she’s been responsible for so many wonderful surprises.
(The quote is Robert Earl Keen, Corpus Christi Bay.)
parlance says
I try to live by the philosophy that most people do the best they can at the time with what is available to them at the time. In terms of emotional strength, information, etc.
John Dally says
Tricia. You are right on. You obviously made the best decison for yourself AND your great dogs. You are also right on that life is too short and will not be made better if we spend too much time worrying about others approval or disapproval. Look inside and follow what you know to be right and true.
As always, a very thoughtful, and thought provoking, discussion.
Thanks and have a well deserved and enjoyable fall.
John
Leah says
Trisha, Thank you so much for this thoughtful post. I have two rescue dogs right now (a greyhound and a collie) and one of the firsts things people do when they meet them (especially Gaia the Greyhound) is go on about what a horrible life they had before. While I don’t know much about their lives before they got to us, it always makes me a little uncomfortable, mostly for the same reasons you have so eloquently stated. It makes me feel like if I do something wrong I will be judged by the same harsh standards.
While Gaia took a lot of time to adjust to life “on the outside,” she has never given me reason to believe she was treated terribly at the track – she was just very very use to her crate and took some time to get use to the world outside. I know it wasn’t the ideal life, but it was her life and I’m glad it led her to me. We know less about Blaze the Collie, but I’m glad his owners recognized they couldn’t care for him anymore and brought him to a shelter. Again, maybe not the ideal route, but it brought him to us, and that’s worth something.
Cara says
Thanks. I’m dealing with my husband having chosen, and now not wanting to put the work into, a dog from the shelter. I cannot do it without his support (she will be our 2nd concurrent dog) and, if he decides he feels too guilty to return her but does NOT want to bond with her, it will be very hard to keep her.
HOWEVER, if he decides to keep her AND (as have all of our other dogs) she turns out to settle into our household beautifully (we’ve had her for a month, and that has NOT happened yet) – we will ALL be very happy.
I have been wrestling, all day, with how it will feel if we “quit” her. You helped.