Some things seem to be universal—like discovering a need for the thing that you just threw away. Or looking for your cell phone when you are actually talking on it. (This, of course, is just theoretical.) Included in that list is a feeling of panic after bringing home a new dog.
Here’s what blog reader Martha recently wrote, in response to a post I wrote about a year ago, Rescue Regrets are Temporary.
Thank you very much for this kind post that addresses what we humans are experiencing during this transition. We are on day five, and I am in a cloud of free-form anxiety and dread. I so appreciate your post, and everyone’s responses. It DOES feel good to know I am not alone. I’m thankful that my husband has far more patience and faith than I do. I need to work on steps 3, 5 and 6. Thank you for giving me some direction. I am truly grateful to you.
I’m glad it helps Martha and others to know that we are not alone when we get nervous after bringing home a dog. Usually somewhere around day 3-5, right? It’s especially important to know that it seems to happen to almost everyone, no matter how well versed in dog behavior and training. (People who foster a lot might be an exception? Are you one of them? Tell me about it… when did you learn to relax?)
The universal nature of what Martha so evocatively described as “a cloud of free-form anxiety and dread” is one of the reasons that Dr. Karen London and I wrote Love Has No Age Limit: Welcoming an Adopted Dog into Your Home. The other reason was that although there are scores of books on bringing home a puppy, there was not much on the market for people bringing home older dogs, whether adolescents or mature adults.
The book has been out for just about seven years now, and words can’t express how gratified we are that people have found it helpful. We’ve actually sold well over 100,000 print copies, many of them purchased in large quantities by shelters, or by people graciously donating them to shelters and rescue groups. We had the most fun gathering photographs for the book, all rescued dogs adopted as adolescents or adults. That’s Theo on the cover, still one of my favorite dog photographs ever.
My marketing gurus have put the book on a BOGO SALE for the rest of June, so if you buy one, you get one free. If you want to order in bulk, go to THIS PAGE and join the people who take advantage of the fact that we’ve priced the booklet at cost in order to get it out to as many adopters as we can.
By the way, last year’s post on the first six steps to counter “rescue regrets” are summarized here:
1. You’re not alone: It helps, doesn’t it, to know that this response is common, not to mention that it goes away?
2. Don’t do this alone: Have your village on speed dial, seriously.
3. Write down what’s happening. It’s amazing how much less daunting problems are if they are written down. Pretend it’s for your friend’s dog. Be very specific (“He has started urinating in the living room by the door to the garage early in the morning” versus “They said he was house trained and he’s not!”).
4. Remember the Rule of Three’s: There is no “Rule of Three’s”. I made that up. But there should be, shouldn’t there? Three days, three weeks and three months truly does seem to be a significant amount of time.
5. Use all resources you can find: Whatever is happening has happened to someone else. Call your friends (if they are dog savvy). Go online. Read books. Watch videos. Make a list of things to do, and then cross out anything that either doesn’t feel right or involves punishing your dog for being a dog.
6. Call forth Patience and Faith, your new BFFs: Whatever would we do without them? They are easily underestimated, but they are just as important as knowledge, stamina and commitment. Welcome them in and pour them some tea. Ask them to stay awhile.
Martha especially appreciated #s 3, 5 and 6. I too counted on #5 & #6 when Maggie and Tootsie came into our home. (It seems, however, that Patience and Faith are somewhat fickle in their friendship. I find they are not always there when I need them. I am working on a more efficient recall…).
What about you? Did you need any of the steps above? Have some to add yourself? Never worried for a second about what you did—no second thoughts, no worries, no regrets? (Can I come live with you?)
MEANWHILE, back on the farm: Brutally hot? Then chilly? Deluged with rain, then arid, now sopping wet? The inconsistency of our weather has become consistent. My head has not wrapped around that yet, but I’m working on it. Three and a half inches of rain Saturday night. Basement flooded, but then, I don’t have to water anything for a few days.
Right now my free time is mostly taken up with dogs, sheep, sheep herding and gardening. Poor Maggie got attacked by one of my ewes last week, so my job right now is to build her confidence back up. We’ll be at a trial soon, and one of the sheep she might be dealing with is here below. At some point sweet Maggie–who loves working “defense” but not “on offense” so much, is going to have to learn that she has weapons in her mouth, and that’s it is okay to use them. (By the way, having horns doesn’t necessarily make sheep more aggressive–we worked this ewe last week and she was quite polite. I think she has a lovely head.)
On the gardening front, here is one of my favorite native plants, the Jack in the Pulpit. Who could not love a plant that begins as a male and becomes female as it gets larger and more robust? (Jill in the Pulpit?) By the way, there are some fish that do the same thing. There is so much I want to say about this as a feminist, but I’ll leave it to you fill in the blanks. (All comments welcome.)
lak says
Yes, I too felt a tad bit “off” after bringing my dog home five and a half years ago. When I think back to those days I realize I invested a lot of time and energy into developing a relationship with my dog, not to mention training and obtaining a CGC. It took work, and time, and money. I do not have one regret!!! As a first time dog owner I had no expectations for the dog other than she be a “good” dog, whatever that means. In truth I was very very ignorant and unprepared. But with dedication and work and a drive for the CGC after I found out what it was, I was hesitantly determined to obtain it for both the dog and my own sake. She became my BFF, Confindant, and the best pet ever!!!!
Janice says
Double-yes to keeping a journal. We keep a training notebook on each dog (that I fill in only periodically) as one of our rescued adult dogs has mild separation anxiety. We are working through a “home alone” training protocol with him and when I despair that he can only be home alone and relaxed for 2 minutes and 30 seconds I look back in the book and remember when he started howling the moment we walked out the door. Our second dog was actually a foster fail and I will say the anxiety of fostering was great, and we likely won’t do it again in this house (house too small). There are also many facebook groups where you can reach out for advice and to share experiences — I definitely make use of them, and take the advice with a grain of salt.
Minnesota Mary says
You’re correct in that some of us who foster a lot don’t have much of the anxiety of bringing a new dog home. But it always is an adjustment, every single time. It takes awareness, keen observation of their body language and instant responses in order to keep my own dogs safe. The new dog doesn’t know if she is safe. She doesn’t know what’s going to happen to her next. She doesn’t speak the language and doesn’t know the rules. Before I even bring her in the house, she gets a walk with just me where she learns that I expect her to walk next to me at a heel. She doesn’t have to be perfect but she has to “get it”. When we get home, I introduce her to my dogs – sometimes on another walk, other times in the yard. Then she gets a tour of the house on leash. After that, as counter intuitive as it seems, I try to not focus too much on the new dog. I’m always observing out of the corner of my eye, but my focus is on my own dogs. I lavish love and affection on them – they deserve it after watching an endless stream of fosters going through the house. If new dog makes a mistake, I gently correct it. If new dog does something correct, I gently praise it. Calm energy reigns in my house. I feel this approach takes the spotlight off of new dog and allows them to have the time they need to settle in and feel safe. I’m also a very routine driven person. Every single day, twice a day, dogs go out in the back yard and I prepare for a walk. We walk for at least a mile, then we go home and eat. Every day. Twice a day. Before I was doing these things (and more) foster dogs would take days, or weeks to settle in and relax. Now it’s usually a matter of hours. At the most a couple of days.
Jacky B says
We are about 6 weeks into adopting our first rescue. It has been very challenging since our resident dog is very high strung and pushy. We are working on potty training which is a new experience with an adult dog. I bought Love Has No Age Limit about 4 weeks in and it was a great read! I wished I would have had it on day one.
Erin Rudolf says
Your book, all of them but Love has no Age Limit, was extremely helpful when we rescued our lab mix. My partner and I read it together before we brought our boy home. As this was his first dog- having that resource really helped him to understand what was going on in our new friends mind. Specifically the bit on potty training and the rule of threes. We adopted a 10 month old lab mix with separation anxiety and enough energy to run circles around Willie. 2 years later we’ve managed the anxiety and have channeled the energy into a well behave, confident, novice agility dog that we wouldn’t trade for the world
Trisha says
Love the focus on calm energy! And I think your comment about routine is important… given how disorienting it must be for dogs to come to a new place. It makes sense that establishing something that they can predict and count on helps them to settle and feel secure. Love it.
Pat says
Hi Trisha, thanks so much for all the literature you produce for dogs and their humans. Happily when I went to adopt I found there were no small dogs or apartment suitable dogs up for rescue within about 300km of my home (Canberra, Australia). So I got a poodle puppy and went through all the steps and emotions you describe.
Kona was 3 months old when he came to me and on day three I stepped on his paw …. oh the whining, the crying (both his and mine), the limping (him) and the recriminations (mine – clearly I was not fit to own a dog!) and then another dog walked past and all was forgotten in his joy at meeting a new friend (still his best buddy 5 years on).
I made a lot of mistakes training Kona but he and I have learned together and happily muddle through with the help of our villiage and people like you!
Thanks again
Minnesota Mary says
Thanks Trisha. In addition to the calm energy and predictable routine, I am convinced that both not paying much attention to new dog and lavishing love and gentle affection on my own dogs is important. It takes the spotlight off of new dog, which reduces stress. And it shows them that really good things result when she trusts me enough to allow me to have a relationship with her. Perhaps I’m attributing too much to the new dog, but it really works.
Nancy Kraft says
How timely. I lost my 16 year old diva in December and am just finding the heart to look for a new friend for myself and my 9 year old lab, a sweet rescue who may need an understanding pal. After searching rescues and filling out aps nothing has felt right. I finally realized I was looking for the girl I lost not the girl she was when I rescued her. Now I remember where we started and the road we took. I pulled “Love Has No age Limit” off the shelf and put it on my nightstand. Taking a break in the search. Will read up and try again. Thank you.
Trisha says
Thanks for reminding us of that. I can see it would take stress off of the newbie, and illustrate how much other dogs trust you. Social facilitation at its best!
HFR says
I’ve had rescues my whole life and fortunately have never felt regret for a minute (of course, some were as a child so I can’t speak for my mom). However, when I decided to get another purebred sporting dog because the first one I got was the PERFECT dog, that’s when I was in for a disappointment. The second dog of the same breed is not at all like the first. And, in my breeder’s defense, she tried to warn me but I thought he was so pretty that I didn’t listen to her.
Honestly, I wouldn’t like him if he was someone else’s dog. He doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, but he’s not too bright, he can’t sit still for a minute, he’s a horrible alarm barker, he is scared of some people or things but not of others for no discernible reason and on and on. I really regretted choosing him for a very long time. I’ve come to peace with the fact that he is mine and I do love him, but I often think of people with children and if they ever kind of don’t like one of their own. They love ’em, but if they met them at a barbecue, they would probably walk away from them saying “What a jerk…”
I realized the other day that he just will never be a heart dog for me. He’s all mine and I will protect and take care of him and I will mourn him when he is gone, but he won’t be one of those special dogs in my life. And that’s okay, they can’t all be.
Maryann says
I am currently living with Rescue Dogs #3 & 4 – both Great Pyrenees. For me number #5 was the important one. Dog #3 was either under socialized, fearful genetically – or who knows – as we had no history. If I had followed normal advice I think I would now have an aggressive dog on my hands. I knew in my heart what the first trainer was telling me wouldn’t work with my dog. I found lots of Great Pyrenees people online and their advice was priceless. So was the advice I got from trainers that worked with fearful dogs. And I found a trainer who had a Great Pyr and understood the breed and developed a Reactive Rover class and taught me about Behavior Adjustment Training. I’m in my 60’s and have had dogs all my life. My current two have taught me more about how to build trust and have a great human/canine partnership than I could ever have imagined!
Nicola says
Just reflecting as this is a very timely post indeed. We adopted our lovely girl, aged 3 at the time, 8 years ago, and she was sadly put to sleep this weekend due to complications of cancer and steroid induced diabetes. We are heartbroken of course. She was the sweetest, most affectionate bundle of feistiness and a power surge of joy. The last few months she wilted and became progressively weaker and sicker. We feel bereft.
I remember a couple of months after we adopted her, we had a conversation about whether we would have to euthanise her because she was so fearful and aggressive towards other dogs and animals. We’d had a few incidents socially that shocked us. I honestly felt like a fool for thinking that just giving a dog a home would ‘make everything all ok’. For me, and for her….
I remember having a pit of anxiety and regretting adopting her. But something in me refused to give up and I basically armed myself with resources, read every dog training book I could get my hands on (even the not so good ones – recycled them) found a village (Trisha , her books and her ‘village blog’ was a lifeline), took courses, attended classes, cried, journaled. I remember feeling totally and utterly committed to her because so many other people had let her down. My ‘mantra’ was ‘this too shall pass’. It did. She blossomed, as the more I learned and understood about her and her triggers, the safer she felt, her confidence grew, the trust emerged and it has honestly been one of the most beautiful journeys and relationships I have ever had. Not giving up on her helped me to learn to not give up on myself.
Of course, there will be some dogs that need much more investment than others, but I think if you can try to look at things another way – get comfortable with the anxiety you may feel during the process – it may help. Easier said than done and when we are ready to let another dog into our hearts and home and head to the shelter, I will try and remember to tell myself that!
Mary Beth Stevens says
Oh gosh, Trisha, what a timely post! This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. 8 months ago we decided to adopt our 6th foster – Tippy. He worked very well with the resident rescue dog and rescue cat so we decided to go for it. Mind you, I volunteer for the rescue organization as a home visitor and I ALWAYS tell potential adopters to be prepared for “I want my life back” at about 3-4 weeks in to the process. I know about the whole “buyer’s remorse” thing, and figured I would be OK. Wrong. At four weeks in I was seated at the kitchen table in tears, saying to my husband – you guessed it – “I want my life back.” Tippy was like an unguided missile in our home and I was beside myself. But wait, it gets better…In the course of that kitchen table conversation with my husband, the truth came out. He had said yes to Tippy because he thought I wanted him, and I had said yes to Tippy because I thought HE wanted him. (Yes, this is the stuff of famous short stories…). After a moment of stunned silence, my husband said, “I’d like to try to salvage it.” And so we were off. What helped the most was reaching out to my village – and to two dog trainer pals.
8 months later, we realize that we have an absolutely terrific little dog – but it wasn’t easy. Lots of one-on-one obedience training AND an obedience class sealed the deal. I realize now that all parties concerned were guarding their hearts. Tippy had been an owner surrender at age 5 and had then spent 4-5 months with a Southern foster before coming to us. Of COURSE he was wounded and holding back on bonding with us – who could blame him? Now we hold his heart in our hands and recognize that it is big, true, and filled with passion. This little guy would take a bullet for either of us, and we feel the same about him. Does he still have unguided missile characteristics? You betcha. But has he added to our life in more ways than I can tell you? You betcha again. This whole experience causes me to ponder the emotional lives of our dogs. I am convinced they have as many layers as we have, and their pasts impact their presents more than we can know. What a rich 8 months it has been!
HFR says
Forgive me if this is a duplicate, the other one disappeared when I hit “post comment”
I have had rescues my whole life and have never regretted any one of them for a moment. However, when I got my second purebred dog because the first one was THE perfect dog, that’s when I was in for disappointment. Altho the breeder did warn me about him, I stubbornly didn’t listen because he was so handsome.
If he was someone else’s dog, I wouldn’t like him much. He never sits still, he’s a voracious alarm barker, he’s leash reactive, he likes to whine a lot and he’s scared of intermittent things (some people, not others, some objects, not others). However, he’s all mine and I love him and will mourn him when he is gone. I have come to the realization that he just will never be my heart dog (like his predecessor is) and that’s okay…they can’t all be.
Andy says
Cecil was a lot of work and expense initially, and absolutely tested my patience. I’m lucky I had such great trainers for support. I remember finding out that two of them – both of whom he adores – had been actively arguing with each other about how best to help him (one is very influenced by T-Touch, the other by John Rogerson). Far from being put off, I was so glad they loved him enough to advocate strongly on his behalf.
I had no intention of adopting this guy when I first fostered him, but boy am I glad I did. He is a loving, glorious brat and makes me smile every day. He has ruined me for easy dogs.
j says
I’ll add “three years” to the rule of 3s, because it is almost 3 years since I adopted my mostly blind and partly deaf double-merle border collie. There weren’t many resources for us early in the journey, and it took many months to find some of the others, but we’re finally hitting milestones I’d hoped for at the three-month mark. But it’s happening, despite many mistakes on my part, not the least being paying too much attention to what the rescuer said and not enough to what the dog said. Listen to the dog, even if you know the human side of the story. Be patient- on steroids. Relationship-building is paramount, but it starts with very, very basic trust. He’s not the dog I had thought I was adopting, not even close. But he’s been a terrific teacher, and I have learned to love him for who and what he is. As another owner of a blind and deaf dog said, “The juice is worth the squeeze!”
Carol Klapste says
This was timely for me, thank you. We just brought an 11.5 year old Border Collie into our family. He came at 4pm on Saturday May 26th. He joined two dogs and two cats and two humans. I have learned the older I get, the harder this is. I didn’t sleep much the first two weeks…not because of any animals, just because of my own brain. Ugh. Things are going well, two big issues for our family, he doesn’t want the humans to leave and he hates going in the car. We are just working slowly and he has come a long way. He lost the only home he had ever known, his people and his pack, so he’s had a lot of loss. He needs time and love and we have that!
Diane says
I didn’t adopt, but brought in a 3 year old after my last dog passed (miss him so). Anyway we ended up with a larger dog that we thought we would get…. 77 lbs can be a handful. 3’s….perhaps. 3 weeks in he was more confident and interested in the world and it was so difficult to keep control. I came home after an attempted walk and suggested we may have made a mistake…..WRONG!!! A little more time and work and he is coming along very well (with a few crazy moments — he is 3 after all).
Kudos to all the rescue people. I truly admire you.
Linda Siebrandt says
Great comments addressing “regrets” after adopting. I lost a wonderful dog in April. Decided to bring home two rescues. I found I was comparing new dog to my last dog instead of accepting my new dogs and their very unique personalities. I purchased 4 of Patricia’s books at the suggestion of my vet. Even though I’ve had dogs my entire life, I’m learning so much! Thanks for the training tips, reminders of accepting the dog where they are at the moment. I’ve started incorporating some of the training tips and I’ve already started to see improvements. Great books; I can’t seem to read fast enough!
Melanie Hawkes says
This was a timely post, though it has taken me a week to comment. I have had my dog for almost 3 years and recently regretted keeping him. He was given to me as an assistance dog, supposedly well trained and to make my life easier. Well turned out that he is highly reactive to everything that moves: dogs, cats, birds, ducks, flies, cars and some men! He lost his public access license after 6 months and the organisation offered to retrain him for someone else but I said no and last year won a legal battle to keep him.
In October he was diagnosed with fear anxiety and started medication. He started to improve but then in February I got new neighbours with a dog that barks loudly and often. It set us back months. We tried adding other medications but made me realise that he is not likely to make a full recovery living here with me.
I was seriously considering rehoming him when I read this post. It is still an option but will take a special person with lots of patience and money to take him on, and the search for the right home has seemed like a bigger challenge than keeping him! So I regret keeping him? Yes. But I also believe I am a better person because of him and he is in a better place now than if I’d let him go. I might not be a good enough trainer but I’ve done the best I can for him so far and have to remind myself that he is getting better, even on bad days.
As HFR says, he may not be my dream dog but that is ok.
Kimber says
You didn’t mention what I think should be Number One for anybody adopting a dog: OBEDIENCE TRAINING!
This is essential for every dog, every time, even if you’ve done it before. Chances are, you aren’t a professional dog trainer. You can’t see what you’re doing to reinforce negative behaviors, and unless your friends are dog trainers, their advice will likely do more harm than good, too. New dogs bring new challenges you didn’t have with previous dogs, and most people who decide to “home skool,” without having their teaching credentials, only teach bad behaviors they don’t mean to teach.
Dogs don’t come understanding English, and different dogs respond to different kinds of motivation. What worked for the last one likely won’t work with the next one.
Letting a professional guide you will reduce frustration and anxiety, and put you in control of the relationship, and help you genuinely start to bond with your dog. It makes a world of difference to see the immediate changes that come about after a few obedience classes with your new dog.
It’s only fair to give them that assistance, and if you don’t do obedience training, you’re really short changing them, sabotaging them. Dogs end up being returned to shelters because people give up in them for “impossible” behaviors they’re very likely causing; those are people who didn’t bother to enroll their dog in immediate obedience training. Can’t afford obedience? Then seriously, you can’t afford a dog. That’s like getting a new car and saying you can’t afford registration or insurance. It’s an integral part of what you signed up for.
Wanda says
After 15 years of not having a puppy…we now have one!!! I forgot how hard this is, and she’s been a really good dog!! The first week was like having a newborn baby in the house, she was 2.5 pounds when we got her. I feel lucky to have this little bundle in my life, but she is a lot of work. It helped me to remember that she will grow up fast, and before i know it she won’t be as needy.