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Patricia McConnell, Ph.D., a Certified Applied Animal Behaviorist, has made a lifelong commitment to improving the relationship between people and animals.

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What Was I thinking? (Rescue Regrets are Usually Temporary)

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“Oh No. What HAVE I done?” Ever had that thought after bringing a new dog into your home? Usually around day three? Here’s the good news: It’s almost universal, and it almost always goes away.

Here’s the usual course of events after bringing home a new puppy or dog: Like any responsible pet owner, you had done due diligence. You talked it over with the family. You thoughtfully chose where to find your new dog. You carefully selected the best possible choice. Or, because life doesn’t always go according to plan, a dog showed up on your doorstep and waltzed into your heart as if on Dancing with the Stars. No matter how it started, you spent the first two days in rapture, basking in an oxytocin-fueled haze of love, and grateful beyond words that this perfect little bundle of love is yours.

And then. You wake up on day three and think “Holy #%&! What was I thinking?” Often this reaction is due to your adorable bundle of furry perfection coming out of his own state of shock and beginning to behave like a dog. Perhaps your new Coon Hound/Corgi cross began barking like a banshee in his crate. Or your “We think it’s an Aussie but why don’t you do a DNA test?” snarled at your other dog, the one she appeared to adore the day before. Or that gooey sweet Chihuahua/Rottweiler cross who loves your lap devoured the sofa while you were gone in the afternoon.

Ah yes, the cold light of morning after regrets–the canine version. I was talking about this recently with a dear friend and brilliant dog trainer, who just brought a new dog into her household. The dog is lovely, truly wonderful. She knew a lot about the dog and where it came from. It gets along swimmingly with her other dogs. And yet, just as I have every time I’ve brought in a new dog, she began to worry after a few days. Who IS this dog, anyway? Are we going to love each other like me and my other dogs do? What if…”.

I’m guessing that many, if not most of us have found ourselves in this position. I talked about this, and what I call the “three day phenomenon” in a post from 2014, Three Ways to Confuse a New Dog. In it I mention that there’s just something about the number three–three days, three weeks and three months. Three days for your anxiety to arise like bubbles of sulfurous gas in Yellowstone, three weeks to begin to get a better sense of who your dog really is, and three months for the first sign that she is beginning to settle into the household routine. But what to do about those anxieties that crop up for so many of us, even experienced trainers?

I’ve started a list of things that can help, but I’m counting on many of you out there in the village to add your good advice to anyone going through this right now.

  1. You’re not alone: It helps, doesn’t it, to know that this response is common, not to mention that it goes away? You are not crazy, you have not done something stupid, and this reaction is common.
  2. Don’t do this alone: Have your village on speed dial, seriously. I don’t know what I’d do without friends who know me, know dogs and know when to listen, and when to give advice. If you don’t have friends like that, call the shelter, the rescue group, the breeder, or the cousin who always says the right thing.
  3. Write down what’s happening. It’s amazing how much less daunting problems are if they are written down. Pretend it’s for your friend’s dog. Be very specific (“He has started urinating in the living room by the door to the garage early in the morning” versus “They said he was house trained and he’s not!”). Write down a list of options. Let it sit for a few hours, then go back to it and choose the best one.  Remember that if Option #1 fails, there is always Option #2.
  4. Remember the Rule of Three’s: There is no “Rule of Three’s”. I made that up. But there should be, shouldn’t there? Three days, three weeks and three months truly does seem to be a significant amount of time.
  5. Use all resources you can find: Whatever is happening has happened to someone else. Call your friends (if they are dog savy). Go online. Read books. Watch videos. Make a list of things to do, and then cross out anything that either doesn’t feel right or involves punishing your dog for being a dog. Don’t be too discouraged if you find lots of different opinions. Filter out whatever doesn’t make sense or doesn’t feel right to you, based on your own values. Pay attention to the credentials of the person you’re reading or watching. Relatives, close neighbors or handsome strangers on TV are not good advisors unless they have some credentials behind them.
  6. Call forth Patience and Faith, your new BFFs: Whatever would we do without them? They are easily underestimated, but they are just as important as knowledge, stamina and commitment. Welcome them in and pour them some tea. Ask them to say awhile.
  7. If worst comes to worst: It could be, as the weeks and months goes on, that you realize this isn’t the right dog for your household. Or you are not the right household for the dog. If this is true, you are not doomed. If the dog you brought home is truly not a good fit, trust that you can find a solution. It is just a fact that not every dog can be happy in every home. It doesn’t mean it’s a bad dog, or that the home’s residents have failed. It just means it’s a bad fit. Period. We are indeed ultimately responsible for any dog we bring home, but sometimes, in rare cases, that means respecting a dog for who she is, and acknowledging that we can’t make her happy. That’s not a failure, it’s the road to success.

I’ve returned a dog myself, and it’s not easy. Sometimes it is downright heartbreaking, but if you know in your heart that it’s the right thing to do, don’t beat yourself up about it. Be proud that you are taking the high road, even if it’s hard. You have not failed, you are trying to do the best thing for the dog and your family. Please invite Patience and Faith to come back and have some more tea.

 

Last thing: Dr. Karen London and I wrote a book about bringing a new adolescent or adult dog into your home, titled Love Has No Age Limit.  If you haven’t seen it yet, check it out, it might come in handy if this is a relevant topic for you or a friend.

What about you? What’s been your experience with moments of anxiety or regret when a new dog entered your life? How have you handled it?

 

 

MEANWHILE, back on the farm: Never a dull moment. Several more storms have come through, making it the stormiest summer I remember since moving here in 1982.  We never lost power during the worst one, but the winds were reported to be 70-85 mph, it rained four inches in a few hours and six of our trees came down, including two of our lovely white pines.

During the height of that storm I heard what sounded like a tree falling, but the yard light had gone out and between the wind and the rain we couldn’t see a thing. Turns out it was two trees by the driveway, which I will miss terribly but am grateful they missed my car by a good 20 feet or so.

That’s unlike what happened the next morning when Jim and I were chain sawing and brushing. A large tree fell across the county road in front of the farm, missing a car with a woman and two young girls by just seconds. It began to fall just in time for them to pull up. Ten minutes later a guy in a red pick up drove straight into the tree at 55 mph, even though the road was clear for at least 300 yards and you couldn’t miss the monster tree blocking your path if you tried. If you were looking, that is. Lucky for him, he hit the high side of the tree and was cushioned by the multiple small branches and leaves. Jim and I, who were out working on our own downed trees stood watching with our mouths agape. I actually said “Seriously?” when he hit the tree.

I took several photographs but none of them come close to conveying how huge these trees are. Here’s Jim and his trusty chain saw after a good 2+ hours of work already working on the upper branches:

The photo below gives you a better sense of scale. You’ll note poor Maggie is looking miserable, because the county is feeding the downed tree limbs on the road into a chipper, and she hates the noise. Thank heavens I had taken “thunder treats” upstairs last night. I think the dogs got an entire dinner’s worth of food, but without it I’m sure Maggie would be worse.

Below is a photo of some of what’s left of the pines. We’d take it up the hill and get it into the dead wood pile (aka The Perfect Home for Rabbits, who say “Thank You Very Much”) except the other downed trees are blocking the farm road that gets us there. Just herding the sheep every day now is quite the adventure, since sheep, dog and I have to wend our way through steep, muddy ground and fallen branches to get there.

Think I can skip watering this weekend? It rained another 2 1/2 inches the day after that storm that took the trees down. (See rain gauge below from the first storm.) On the right is one of the breaks in the pines. It looks tiny, but I’d guess at least 1,000 pounds of tree fell from it. Or 500. Really, I have no idea. My back says at least a ton.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hope you are weathering whatever the climate has brought you. Several homes and business have been flooded or badly damaged by the storms, and my heart goes out to them. We’re all hoping for an entire night without thunder and lightning and trees crashing. So is Maggie.

 

 

Comments

  1. Diane Mattson says

    My daughter volunteers at a horse rescue place. The owners had also taken in a lab/husky cross with blue eyes. They called her Diamond. She was nine years old, and had been living on the streets, for who knew how long. When my daughter brought my grandson, who was four at the time, over to see the horses he met Diamond. The two fell in love. All he could talk about afterwards was Diamond. Anytime my daughter brought her son to the Sanctuary, he and Diamond would spend the whole time hanging out. The owners of the Sanctuary were looking for a good home for Diamond, but my daughter wasn’t sure it would be a good idea. Diamond is a large dog, they were renting a very small house, and they already had two cats. But who could resist the bond between boy and dog? Another couple were also interested in adopting Diamond. They were realistically a better fit, as they were living on a few acres in the country, not a small rented house in the city. The sanctuary owners gave Diamond to my daughter’s family. Diamond was getting arthritic, didn’t need lots of vigorous exercise anymore, and she had attached herself to my grandson. No one had the heart to break them up!

    My daughter definitely went through some anxious moments. Diamond is a sweet dog, but needed socializing, and had some abandonment issues. She also just takes up a lot of room. “What was I think thinking?”, became a common question for my slaughters during the first few months! All went well, fortunately, as Diamond is a sweet, patient, attention loving dog. It’s nice to know that decisions based on the heart rather than the head can work out. All the great advice in dog books about making sure you have the right home definitely should be heeded, but sometimes life has other plans…

  2. Meredith says

    This is so timely I can’t believe it … I just returned a dog to its foster parents 3 days ago, after having her with me for 6 days. Turns out, she was only crate-trained at their house and, although I did a few short trial runs leaving her loose in the house (no other options for her safety) without problems, on Day #4 (not #3, ironically :), I had to leave the house for an hour. When I came back there was much destruction at the entry points: blinds, molding, door, etc. After talking with my trainer friend and with the rescue, I took her back. She was a total sweetie, but I live by myself with a senior cat (things were OK there) and don’t have the financial or ‘people’ resources to deal with ongoing destruction and to have someone with her 24/7 until she could be trained out of the separation anxiety. But her fosters are overwhelmed and don’t really know what to do/can’t do anything with her either, so what are her options? If they’re honest, I would think she might be unadoptable. What could I have done differently/what can I do differently if this occurs again, etc.? The guilt is tremendous and the fear that I’ll encounter again what, for my circumstances, is an unworkable situation.

  3. Minnesota Mary says

    My go-to thought is: Patience! I am a foster home for a local dog rescue. I’ve had over 40 foster dogs over the years. Some were a great fit in my house and others… well, not so much.

    It’s easier in a way for me. I know the dog is only temporarily in my house.

    It’s harder in a way for me. I have to help the dog get past whatever hangups he or she has and become adoptable. In some cases this never needs to be done. In other cases, I have to overcome years of poor treatment, neglect, lack of training or socialization, or worse.

    There are always problems. They tend to surface after the “honeymoon” period is over. That length of time can vary from hours to weeks.

    All the suggestions you mention (phone a qualified friend, research, etc.) are ones I’ve employed over the years.

    Unless I or one of my dogs is in immediate danger, I use the “patience” suggestion the most. I gently correct unwanted behavior. I enthusiastically support wanted behavior.

    In the end, I almost always wind up with a wonderful dog that gets adopted to a great home.

    My toolkit:

    1. Exercise. Controlled exercise with my own dogs. Twice daily. No exceptions.
    2. Routine. Consistent. Predictable. Safe.
    3. Exposure to problems. Fearful dogs get sensitive, gradual exposure to whatever they are afraid of. Dogs who don’t like men get exposure to men who are kind and gentle. Whatever the problem is, there is no way I can avoid exposing the dog to that problem if I want a dog that is adoptable.
    4. Appropriate reward for a job well done. There’s a reason this is last. Sometimes it’s a soft “good dog”. Other times it is a treat. Or a gentle neck rub. Or some agenda-free time alone with me. Rewards are ONLY given when a job is well done.

    Sometimes I get the easy dogs. More often they come with baggage. My job is to set them up for an easy and successful transition to an appropriate new home.

    It’s what I love to do. And I could never do it without patience.

  4. Trisha says

    To Meredith: I’m so sorry that things didn’t work out. I would think that there are several options for the dog, including confining to a crate in which she can’t hurt herself while working on Sep Anx conditioning. We don’t have enough details to say too much more, especially why the foster home feels that they don’t know where to go from here. What if we made the dog a “case study”? You’d need to connect me with the foster home first though…. Let me know at info@patriciamcconnell.com if they’d like to do that. I do want to add: Don’t let one difficult experience put you off from adopting. Chances are there is a great dog out there for you! But do line up a good source of advise and support–it is so important for us all!

  5. Kat says

    Not a dog but I brought home a new kitten to add to the menagerie just about three days ago and I’m going through the “what the heck was I thinking” stage. He was not a carefully considered addition he simply has the potential to be too fine a cat to pass up. He was born into my parent’s barn cat colony and I couldn’t bear the idea of him living the barn cat life. He’s a tabby point siamese with what I’m expecting will become a medium long coat. He’s amazingly calm and confident for such a little guy (nine weeks old). But he’s a tiny baby and I haven’t had a baby *anything* in 18 years! What have I done?

    We’re currently in the stage of very carefully introducing him to the other critters. Meowzart, the oldest cat basically reacted with “huh, a kitten. Whatever.” And while we’re still supervising them when they’re together kitten and cat are allowed loose together to interact as they choose. The Great Catsby is horrified that we’ve brought this thing into his house. They are closely supervised and one or the other is generally in a cat carrier. To go with Meowzart and The Great Catsby the kitten is named Purrcasso. He really is a work of art.

    Finna is curious about the kitten but mostly appropriate in that curiosity but because she doesn’t always remember to be gentle they only get to meet with the kitten in the cat carrier. Ranger is frustrated that we won’t just release the kitten into the house for his enjoyment (he’s perfectly appropriate with the kitten) but that won’t happen for several more days.

    Meanwhile, I’ve now added careful introduction and training of a baby kitten to my already overcrowded schedule. What the heck have I done? What could I have been thinking? Then I go into the bedroom where he’s currently living and he climbs into my lap purring that roaring kitten purr and I think “yeah, it will all be fine. He’s got the makings of a truly great cat.”

  6. Pam says

    I was told my middle aged rescue collie walked well on a leash, was socialized with cats, dogs and children. Beware: Walking around a yard, in a rural area is nothing like walking in a neighborhood with runners, skate boarders, bikers, delivery trucks, school buses,,,,
    My collie never tired even though we walked her every day 5 times a day (6, 10, 2, 6, 10). My collie does like other dogs but comes at them much to aggressively which usually upsets the other dogs and their owners. She bit a neighbor who came up behind her on the sidewalk while she was on a 6 foot leash- one and done. She bit then sat next to the neighbor. After getting a lawyer and pleading guilty for failure to control I got my dog off the “dangerous” dog list, which comes with many restrictions, yearly fees and puts dog one step close to being put down. No one can adopt a dangerous dog because of the liability. Many weeks of positive training to keep her focus on me/husband when other distractions were around had no affect on neighborhood walks. She was a star in class though. Other dogs, people didn’t bother her one bit! I had made an appointment with a vet behaviorist but had to cancel because my dog was in rabies quarantine again! A few months after the 1st bite my husband and I were pretty sick and my sister-in-law said she would take my dog to the neighboring county in the rural area she lives in on 8-9 acres, mostly fenced. The following week sister-in-law brings my collie back and doesn’t close the screen door completely and my collie runs out (she hadn’t been a door dasher before) and bites/scratches (according to dog control report) one of the teenagers who parks in front of our house and runs across the street to her house.
    Now my collie is living at my in-laws.It’s not a bad situation for her but not at all what I wanted. I don’t think I can take any more chances trying to train/fix my collie for regular neighborhood life.

  8. Chris Wells says

    After our first Golden died, we rescued an almost two year old golden, not through a rescue organization. This dog came out of another state and had already been through 4 owners. She seemed friendly enough and jumped in our car as soon as she saw the car door open and never looked back. My reservation happened on day one, when she gave our 12 year old dog the hard eye over the toy basket! I thought, oh no what have I done. But I never saw a dog try harder to fit into a family than this Golden. We made some adjustments, like keeping our old dog crated when no one was home, took the Golden for training and got her CGC certificate and she learned that when we left the house…we return and she was good with that. She has had maybe two spats with our older dog, but a sharp voice ends that right now, and there hasn’t been one of those in over a year. I guess I just got lucky! This Golden could sure use a 12 year old boy to run and play with instead of this house full of old people, but she has adjusted well and taken on the roll of comfort dog! She is a good dog! I am glad we made the effort!

  9. Chris Wells says

    I meant to tell you Patricia, we have had the same horrible storms, 70 mph winds and much thunder and lightning! My barn cats have become completely traumatized at the very sound of distant thunder! Lots of tree damage. The last event was $1200 with the tree people! I am hoping this is over for awhile!

  10. Carole Atkinson says

    I brought home a 3rd dog who needed rehoming. Not housebroken and did not seem happy after 2 days. I told myself, this isn’t working out. I’m taking her back. Then my other, and true self, said, ” What malarky. You know you’re keeping her.” I named her Malarky and we are in our 2nd year together. The other two dogs and the 17 year old cat and I love her and we are in Open training. We call her Lark.

  11. Mary Beth Stevens says

    oh gosh, how well I remember this, except for me, the breaking point came at 2 weeks. We had prepped well, brought in a trainer to help us plan for introductions to the resident cat, read all the right books (Patricia McConnell — my “go-to” gal) and talked to all of our friends with dogs….exhaustingly….they were sick of me and my questions, but too kind to say so. And still I was around the bend with stress and fear that it wouldn’t work out. The cat was our original animal so we said, if it doesn’t work out, the dog goes….riiiiiighhhhtt…….How long do you think that lasted? I realized we were screwed on that count and instead of “I hope it works” it became “It HAS to work.”. The lowest point was two weeks in when the cat “rendered her opinion” (yet again) on my office floor. I happened to have a doctor appt. that day and when she came into the examining room with a cheery, “hi! how are you?”. I burst into rivers of tears. She listened and then very wisely said, “I think you’re going through a transition. It’ll all work out.”. She was right, it did😊. But I now volunteer for the doggy rescue we adoptd from and I tell all new adopters to look out for that old buyer’s remorse.

    Great post, Tricia, and thanks for writing and talking about this. Our rescue now gives out the above mentioned book to new adopters, courtesy of us😊❤️

  12. Janice Zazinski says

    Oh, how timely … we have our first-ever foster dog from Paws New England Rescue and are on day 3 … and I’m saying to myself, “what have I done??” and my husband is asking “when are those baby gates coming down?”

    I’m so glad to have the support of the many wise members of Paws New England Rescue … I can’t stress that enough. And I have re-read your book on managing a multidog household at least 3 times since Petey arrived :_

    Petey is actually 100x “easier” than our resident rescue dog, who was severely undersocialized and is on Prozac to control her terrors when confronted with life in Medford, Mass. She is getting along with him OK and the space management is also going OK … but I have no idea how exhausting it would be! Petey is available for adoption (though my husband, hater of baby gates, keeps saying “aww, I love him!”), please share: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10154522464110518.1073741833.696725517&type=1&l=a7bdaf5dad

  13. Kathy says

    We just rescued what we were told was a one-year old German shepherd dog. We flew the dog to Denver from Mississippi. We quickly realized that this dog was no where near a year old, had zero training or socializing, and had not lived inside a house. He bit me constantly and was so rambunctious. I brought in a trainer immediately and called upon my friends with rescue and training experience. Ruger has been with us almost 2 months and he is a completely different dog! We are continuing his training and changing our expectations, since he is still a puppy. Thankfully our 10 year old shepherd is more than willing to”school” him too. More than once in the first few weeks, I considered taking him to a rescue group. I really did not think I could handle any more bites or bruises.

    I fully expect that Ruger will be a great dog, once he matures.

  14. Jackie D says

    What about three years? 😀 That’s about how long it took us to accept that our dog would never be OK, but that we could live with him anyway.

    I love it when Good People talk about the fact that dogs may not work out without the owner being an Bad Person. I so often hear internet ranting about Evil People who give dogs up for adoption, and how _they_ would never give up their dog under any circumstances. But I know several heartbroken people who have given dogs up because they just don’t fit – my parents for one, who rehomed their strong-willed and hyperactive BCxFlatcoat pup to an agility home. They’d had dogs before, and they’ve had dogs since, all of whom stayed with them their whole lives, but Sophie just wasn’t the right dog for them.

  15. Peggy Michaelis says

    Over 8 years ago I brought home a very tiny, scared puppy from a rescue. I had fallen madly in love with this cute baby but wasn’t sure what her breed was – the vet thought she was about 5 weeks old. She had been brought up on a puppy mill transport from South Carolina without a mama dog or any litter mates. She had serious stomach/bowel problems which was my first focus. Then came the behavioral problems. She actually broke out the wall of her crate, she would have diarrhea in her crate and all over the house. That’s when we found out she was a Basenji Hound/mix because she would yodel and scream so loud that my neighbors would call me at work because they were worried about her. Then the destruction started. She gutted the couch and chair – she actually met me at the door with springs from the couch in her mouth – not a good day. She shredded the living room drapes. She chewed on the woodwork, the walls, doors anything she could chew on. I was overwhelmed – my Corgi was overwhelmed – and I think Glory, the puppy, was overwhelmed. I talked to friends, family and vets who were all basically negative about Glory’s future. Then I found a Doggy Day Care and Obedience business who literally saved us all. Over the course of a year, Glory & I took every class they offered and Glory went to day care 2 days a week. It was expensive & I had to make some major life style changes to the budget, but I saw consistent positive changes happening. I learned a lot about positive reinforcement which I am so grateful for and Glory had a great time at the classes and day care. She is a very social dog which helped a lot in modifying her behavior. She really wanted to please. Glory actually received her AKC Canine Good Citizenship certificate and all I could was sit and laugh remembering all we had been through to reach that point. Exercise and patience is still my mantra when working with Glory. She is almost 9 years old now and a wonderful, high energy, interesting dog. My Corgi still isn’t too sure about her but they live together very well. I’m so grateful to finding the course that worked so well for us.

  16. Gudrun says

    Our first cattle dog, Ginger, was perfect as soon as she came home from the shelter – no behavior issues. She was a happy social girl – a good “starter” dog. I like to say that she was perfect right out of the box – no assembly required. So after she passed away and we were ready for another dog, we decided to get another cattle dog from the same shelter.

    Clove. While she did great in the shelter, it was soon apparent that there would be some assembly required – hundreds of pieces to put together and a few of those pieces were missing. It was clear that she had been a feral girl before she was picked up by a shelter in NM. Not house trained, not socialized, fearful of EVERYTHING in the house. Never been on a leash for a walk. Everything was a new and frightful experience. Our first indication that she might have some issues: the windshield wipers swished once in the car on our ride home from the shelter and she became UNGLUED! Add to that, she was in heat when we adopted her, had Giardia and a stubborn eye infection in both eyes. So that buyer’s remorse set in quickly.

    It took lots of patience and a good trainer who worked with us on basic obedience and lots of research on fearful dogs but she has blossomed into a sweet and loving dog. She still has her moments and we know that the issues that we cannot overcome, we manage. I know her limitations and never try to put her in situations where she will fail.

    I’ve learned so much from her and I like to think she found the perfect home with us.

  17. Amy says

    I have been involved in rescue for some time, fostered 94 dogs and adopted 4 in the last 4 years. Mind you, three of those four rescues were German Shorthaired Pointers (one an oversized doberman puppy) so that tells you I am a little crazy anyways. haha. I often remind the people who adopt my foster dogs or those that seek advice from me when they wonder “what have I done” that if you were picked up by complete strangers and forced to follow their new rules which you didn’t understand and you didn’t ‘speak the same language how hard it would be to fit in flawlessly from the start. I remind these new dog owners to do things that get them both (human and canine) exercise, to work on finding things they can do together like a basic obedience class and give the dog some understanding……because transitions are tough on the dog even more so than the humans, the humans had a say in it the dog really did not. I think carving out even 30-45 minutes a day (at least three days a week) for those first few weeks and working on things that are important to the new family is key to sucess. You get out what you put in and if you make an effort to invest training and time into the dog you will likley have a dog that learns the new rules and bonds with you faster.

  18. Francoise says

    I live in VERY rural France. In February 2016, after his own dog was killed by the neighbor’s, a local sheep shearer bought a female Border Collie puppy (8 weeks old). I ran across them several times and he would be belting her for “not listening to him” Long story short, beginning of October I found out he had never realized she was stone deaf (she is almost totally white) and he pretty much left her to her own devices (read: weaving between cars on the highway) when he wasn’t getting on her case for not herding sheep properly. So I bought her back from him. I already had a 5 year old female Aussie with epilepsy, and a rescue female Border Collie/English Setter cross (about 6 years old). Within a week, it became apparent that Miette was very fearful and riddled with OCDs (she chases shadows, licks the floor for hours, digs holes and circles me like a mad dervish whenever we are outdoors). She got on perfectly well with the other dogs.
    Beginning of January, Miette began to have HUGE bouts of diarrhea. She was tested and treated for just about everything, to no avail. My vet refused to consider anti-stress medication. She still has bad diarrhea every 2 oor 3 weeks (the kind you describe, Patricia, in The Education of Will) (exhausting).
    At the end of March, a Border Collie/ Spaniel cross ran up to my gate… and never left. I couldn’t trace his owner and suspect he was thrown out of a car. He is a very unruly young male, very sweet, no training AT ALL. I didn’t want him to be adopted by hunters (whose dogs are generally treated very badly here) and Miette loved him from the start so I kept him.
    Fast-forward to the end of May: in a matter of 3 days, Miette and Ela (the BC/ES cross) started to fight like maniacs and they couldn’t be in the same room or outside together anymore. They really fought 3 times and last week Miette pulled out one of Ela’s canines because I made a mistake and they ended up in the kitchen together for a few seconds. One of the main problems seems to be that Ela can’t stand Miette and Max playing roughly together.
    There are no vet behaviorists out there, I’m talking to one over the phone (she’s in Paris) but, in France, vets are not allowed to prescribe drugs without actually seeing their patients so she won’t help out. I’m not all that keen on medicating dogs but I think it might help the 2 females chill out somewhat so that we can train more effectively (and hopefully the diarrhea would stop!). My vet now insists on Miette being rehomed.
    Do I wish I hadn’t rescued her? Certainly not. Have I given up on her? Certainly not. The situation is heart-wrenching because everybody wants me to get rid of her. I would do it if it was better for her but I can’t think of a single person that would put up with all her issues and treat her well. So I’m still hoping she and the other dogs can have a good life. If things became unmanageable, I would have to have her put to sleep but we aren’t there yet. There are times when I wonder whether I am doing the right thing but I never regret rescuing her from a life of beatings and loneliness.

  19. Elizabeth P. says

    The only two times we have adopted (dogs) from a shelter have been failures. Both of those because we were either given untrue information or not enough information. We adopted an 8 yo OES after testing him with our golden retriever (who was as mellow as a dog can get anyway). After a few days – in which we all fell in love with him – it became clear that he hated other dogs (except one) and was prepared to rid the world of them. Then he started mounting our 6 yo. The shelter suggested maybe I start walking him at 5 a.m. and THEN told me he’d been there at keast twice with a history of aggression. Why, thank you! I would never have taken him had I been given the information they had. We knew what would happen if we took him back – strike three at a kill shelter – and felt we had no option but to put him to sleep; at least he was with people who loved him to the end. This was years before positive training appeared in our neck of the woods and we felt trapped. The second time, four years ago, we were assured the dog was good with cats. Our cats are inside cats who had only lived with a dog who had been strictly trained by a previous set of cats, so that was vital. (The new dog got along fine with our older dog) After three days the dog started going after them – literally screaming when she saw them and straining to go for them. We took her back – no problem – and she was subsequently adopted by people (presumably catless people) who adore her. It makes us very wary of shelters, although I would certainly continue to get cats from them.

  20. Monika & Sam says

    My last OES was rescued and after spending hundreds of dollars of training and tons of time trying, I came to the conclusion that while I was ready and willing, I was unable to create the home environment for him to minimize his PTSD from his abusive previous life. The rescue group was patient and welcomed him back and was able to find a home for him a number of months later. While he was in a better situation, it was not without problems. My hat’s off to them for giving him the few years he had left in a home that loved Finn when I could no longer offer an environment that was successful for him. And hats off to the rescue group. They knew of what you described and took the necessary actions to make the best of a tough situation. Have invited Patience and Faith a permanent home with the latest rescue, a puppy mill survivor and they have been good companions for her and me. ☺️

  21. TinTin's Mom says

    I’m throwing this in just to start a discussion.

    I am a firm believer that all animal owners are obligated to have an “after I die” plan in place for their animals. Thus I am in the process of bringing mine up-to-date. We have a dog, TinTin, that I consider unadoptable (he must be an indoor dog, he is not and cannot be house-trained, to the extent that he pees on the sofa, , he becomes over-excited to the point that his throat swells shut, and so on) I recently had a conversation with our vet about her role in our plans (it is extensive) and this time I ask her if she would be willing to put TinTin down. She has 1st hand, traumatic experience with TinTin, so bad that once one of her techs had to lay on the floor in a closet with TinTin to keep him calm. After thought, she agreed and said she understood, exactly why we thought that would be doing what was best for him. With any luck we will outlive him and this will not be needed

    My point is that sometimes a dog is simply not adoptable.

  22. Wanda says

    I fostered for a rescue and successfully placed 45 dogs over several years. It was the most rewarding experience I’ve had. Thankfully the rescue had a policy that took back dogs, no questions asked, even after years. I’m sitting here trying to remember if we took back more than one, who was quite the case. Bella was a Shih Tzu who had been bounced around a number of times, and hated men. Thankfully my husband (God bless him for his patience with me!) made it his mission to convince Bella that hands were for pets, not anything else. Yup, she came around. After 2 failed adoptions, Bella ended up with Ruth who loved that dog like no tomorrow. Ruth called me about a year later and said she had to bring Bella back; she could not tolerate Bella’s attempts to bite, and no groomer would take her any more. So I got Bella back. At this point we were about out of options for poor little Bella. I contacted a pet behaviorist who agreed to help us out and made an appointment with my groomer who had had not issues with grooming Bella while I had her. (The groomer would just step back, tell Bella that she had all day to get her groomed, wait for Bella to settle and start in again. Bella ended up looking pretty!) A couple of days later, I got a phone call from Ruth, crying, almost sobbing, saying she wanted Bella back because she just missed that little dog. Of course we were not going to allow Bella to just return, so Dr. Deb, Ruth, Bella, and I met at Ruth’s apartment and Ruth got a big dose of how to handle Bella, what to do and not do, and Ruth said when it was time for Bella to be groomed, she would drive 70 miles to my groomer. (How’s that for a dedicated owner?) So every couple of months Bella came to be groomed and Ruth and I would have lunch! Unfortunately the story ends sadly. Bella attempted a leap into the car, missed and hit…hard. Long story short, the vet recommended Bella be put down. So once again I received a call from sobbing Ruth asking if I would bury Bella’s ashes in our woods. So Bella is back with us, under the big maple tree at the end of the trail north of the house. Ruth still has a photo of Bella on her Facebook page. We all remember little Bella who finally found love after a rough beginning.

  23. Deb Holmes says

    Seven years ago we brought home an 8 month old lab/boxer/pittie mix — just a week after our 14 year old beagle died. I laughed when I saw your three day honeymoon timeline. That’s exactly how long it took for me to say, “what have we done?” We went from an old dog whose exercise needs consisted of walking between her bed and food bowl to a puppy with the energy of the Tasmanian devil of the old cartoons, and the springiness of Tigger. This new dog’s constant staring at me unnerved me as well, and I have to admit that I carried some pittie prejudice at the time. Then I found a wonderful dog trainer who quickly pronounced my puppy a “gem,” and told me to forget about the alpha dog stuff and learn how to give the dog the training she needed to be successful. I can’t say enough about working with a good trainer who is skilled at reading dog body language. She is the best dog I have ever lived with — smart as a whip, easy to train, gentle, good with other dogs and great with people of all ages. She travels all over the country with us in our motor home and is an absolute delight and a fabulous ambassador of rescue dogs in general and her breed mix in particular. She will be a tough act to follow. She would have been the wrong dog for me if I wasn’t retired with lots of time to spend training and exercising her, as well as patience. There is a lot to be said about respecting who a dog is.

  24. Ali says

    We are on month 2 with our rescue and are still having those regrets! Milo, our pit mix was rescued from a high-kill shelter in Texas. We don’t know his background, but he seems to have either high anxiety or an ingrained learned behavior of whining. New places, new people, car rides, and passing dogs on walks send him into a frenzy of screaming and whining. People have come out from their backyards to see what I’m doing to my dog because it sounds like he’s being abused. But I’m just standing there holding the leash, and that’s it. We have an appointment with a local trainer coming up and I can’t wait. I was talking to a trainer friend of mine who observed his mental state and physical state do not align. He will be in the entry way waiting to go for a walk and whine. He whines and whines and whines until he gets tired and finally lays down, but he continues to whine. His body language is calm, ears back, loose, soft eyes, etc. but yet he still whines. Here’s to hoping the trainer can help him and help us! We’d love to take him places, but right now he just can’t handle it.

  25. Celine Yang says

    Oh Man! I hit this point around 48 hours, but it’s not unusual for me to jump the gun. We adopted a dog to give our resident dog a companion (and for me to have another dog to train). They were able to meet on a walk outside, but it was late, cold, and dark so they certainly did not get the ideal “neutral” introduction. Also the adopted dog had just had a traumatic transport from the south, so she was too anxious to open up. When we brought her in, resident dog could not stop snarling at her through the ex-pen. He was guarding EVERYTHING. He loves playing with other dogs so I just took deep breaths and told myself he would come around over time. By 48 hours, things on the dog-dog front were getting slightly better, but we started getting glimpses of separation anxiety from the new dog. Separation anxiety was the one behavior issue I consider a “deal breaker”. All my plans to give the resident dog special one-on-one walks with me went out the window since I had to bring the new dog or she would howl (and I live in an apartment building). I sat on the floor of my apartment and cried and cried and cried. I wondered if I had ruined the life of my resident dog. I wondered if these two dogs were just a bad match – if they brought out the worst in each other. My resident dog had never showed so much animosity towards another dog in his life! The foster family had informed me that the new dog did not have separation anxiety in their home. What was going on?? Things did get better over time. It took about 5 weeks for everyone to settle in and for me to feel comfortable with the dogs in the same space without me directly supervising. The guarding issue is much better now and never escalates past a bit of teeth-baring (and rarely). We’re getting better with the separation anxiety and can leave the dogs home for over 5 hours now. It took so much time. So much emotional work. So much energy. Totally worth it. But I can definitely empathize with the 3-day breakdown. It was rough and scary and I felt like a total failure.

  26. Barb says

    Just brought in an 8 wk old pup to my household of 4 existing dogs ranging in age from 8 mos to 5.5 yrs. I have to say this go round has been the most seamless introduction I have ever had. Maybe because I have learned a thing or two , maybe because the breeder did and excellent job with this pup ( she did!) and maybe because my pack is wonderful and stable. Things that I know have helped is 1 new pup means lots of good eats if we are nice 2 pup is never with big dogs unsupervised and if he is being a pest he is removed 3 big dogs are allowed to gently correct him. 4 he has his own space in an xpen so they are not continuously pestered.
    I know there will be days or moments of thinking I bit off more than I can chew there always are,but I will have my moment and move on and keep training, keep going to class and keep loving them all and if I need a breal they will get good chewies in their crates for an hour so I can breathe.

  27. Gail says

    Our last dog was 80 pounds of sugar but passed away just over 5 years ago (14 + yrs old). Enter Shiloh. I’ll skip most of the intro but she is a GSD found under a car in NC. She was about a year old, pregnant (for the second time), heart worm positive and nearly starved to death. We adopted her after she gave birth (6 beautiful and health pups). We had no idea what we had gotten ourselves into. Every dog we’ve had was “easy”. Not this dog. We almost sent her to “boot camp” because we had no idea what to do with her. Luckily we got “bad vibes” from Mr Bootcamp and found a Vet Behaviorist and we also found a wonderful R+ trainer. Shiloh went on meds for her anxiety and training/behavior modification began (and is still ongoing). Needless to say 5 years later our girl is still a work in progress, we love her to death, but our lives are very limited and her world is very small, but she’s a really happy dog within her confines. I hate to think of what might have happened to her if she were adopted out to a family with children – I suspect she would have been euthanized. Not sure I would adopt a “known” fearful dog again although now I have more tools in my tool kit. And as an aside: we, luckily, had the means to go to a VB and hire a trainer for an extended period of time. I suspect loads of folks don’t have that advantage and I tip my hat to them for doing what seems like the impossible.

  28. Jill says

    This post comes as I’m struggling with the decision to re-home our 6 yr old Bossy (BC/Aussie). She’s been with us for nearly 4 years. She was vetted by the rescue as good with everything and everyone. Within days, it was clear she wasn’t good with anything but my husband and me. By then she had my heart and I had no idea what journey I had entered into. My husband and I travel for most of the summer months in a motorhome. Our late dog travelled with us and we planned for our new one to as well. It’s been four summers since we’ve been able to travel, because our Lucy doesn’t like other dogs, golf carts, motorcycles. She’s not trustworthy with anyone/thing near her face except those she knows very well. Children are not allowed near her. At least now she’s tolerant of adults and bicycles. She’s a wonderful companion, funny, smart, sweet to us. We’ve worked with positive trainers and a veterinarian-behaviorist. I’ve read countless books and articles. Watched videos. Distance and Duration with high value treats… She’s been to private obedience class before going to group obedience. We’ve tried four different anti-depressants. The one she’s on helps, but is expensive. She’s also very thunder-phobic. She’s not just afraid, she panics. We’ve gone through all the processes prescribed by the VB, but it’s only improved slightly. Since we can’t travel, she’s stuck in SW FL in the summer which is among the top producers of thunderstorms in the country. She’s miserable for five months of the year. My husband who is getting older would like our old lifestyle back and I love the dog. It is a heart-wrenching process to go through. I wish I could see a happy ending for everyone, but I can’t. I want her to be safe and happy.

  29. LisaW says

    There is a triplet theme, but I agree with Jackie D, three years is about right for getting a glimpse of what may be possible.

    We got Olive from a “rescue” that was shut down a few years ago for cruel and “indogmane” treatment of animals. That should tell you enough about the false pretenses under which we adopted Olive. She had never been in a house before, had no idea what “normal” house sounds were, and had a fear of all new things. That meant she was in constant flight mode (she’s not a fighter). She would jump up and scream at random times – walking across the living room or waking from a sound sleep. She could get up such a head of steam that she literally flew through the air and used the furniture to bank her turns. She was a wired-hair bundle of nerves. And soon, we all were a bundle of nerves. None of us knew what to do or where to begin. We had no idea how small and boring our world was before we met Olive.

    I do remember sleepless nights and weepy days when I was overwhelmed with a sense of inadequacy. I did not know what I didn’t know, and I felt that I should have already been two steps ahead. I do remember thinking she deserved a more knowledgeable, more experienced, more aware home. Sometimes, when reading this blog, I would think, “Oh, that person would be perfect for Olive.” It’s a good thing we are more or less anonymous on the web 🙂

    Many years, many vets, many vet behaviorist visits, many months and years of rehab (her body is put together a bit more loosely than her mind), many hours reading two library shelves worth of books and this blog repeatedly, and we can’t imagine life without Olive.

    She and I have a bond born from trials and tribulations that couldn’t be stronger or deeper. Turns out, we both love to swim, we both love to snuggle, and we both find loud noises somewhat irritating but nothing to worry about any more. One thing we do not share, she likes to sleep in 🙂

  30. Ruth & Eli says

    How timely. 4.5 weeks ago I adopted a cattle dog x lab (best guess). I knew he was coming with a bad ankle and some issues with crating but the reality turned out to be much different. I made it clear that I didn’t want a project but now I have one. He has a radial nerve injury that may or may not improve with time (it’s gotten a little worse since he’s been here because his activity level here is super high). And he has terrible separation anxiety!

    I dealt with this before when I adopted my now 11yo belgian malinois, Rafi. I used your little booklet and it all worked great. But poor Eli came here for a week and then we went to the cottage for 3 weeks. He had just started to adjust to being left at the cottage (even with someone else watching him) when we returned home and now we have to start all over again. I don’t have the support network there that I have at the cottage so I am looking into a nearby doggie daycare. I feel completely overwhelmed and have seriously considered returning him to the rescue. However, his situation there would be terrible as they don’t have the resources we have here. So I am really hoping he passes his daycare assessment and trial!!!!!!!!!!!

    I wish there were a support group for new adopters. I have done this many times before but really wasn’t looking for this level of challenge at this point in my life. This little guy has the BEST temperament and would make a perfect therapy dog, especially for kids or older folks. My activity level is too high for him but because of the S.A. I’ve had to take him everywhere. Anyway, thanks for this blog post and I have been reading your work for more than 20 years!!!!!

  31. Trisha says

    Thank you all for taking the time to write in. I’ve read all your comments, some of them over and over again to be honest. It is remarkable that so many people have sacrificed so much and worked so hard to help a new dog. Kudos to all of you who have moved heaven and earth and ended up with a happy dog and a happy household. And my deepest sympathy to those of you who are struggling, having ended up with a dog whose behavior was not only unexpected, but has put you in a difficult situation. Argh, I wish all the rest of us could wave magic wands and make everything okay.

    The post from Ruth and Elie is a perfect example. I’m so sorry that your new dog is so needy and that your life has been so challenging. All paws crossed that day care will work out; it can be a life saver for some dogs in some situations. I had clients in the same situation who reached to friends and neighbors, offering to pay people to baby sit the dog when they had other option. Obviously you need the funds, but me and my clients were surprised that, for example, a little bit of outreach found an retired person who misses dogs who was happy to help out, etc. I’m hoping that expanding your village and being creative might help too. (Granted, it’s hard to be creative when you’re beyond exhausted.)

  32. Trisha says

    I can’t respond to you all, but a few comments: To LisaW–oh what a lucky lucky dog is Olive!

    To Jill with Bossy: Argh, so sorry that Bossy has constrained your life so much. Is it insane of me to ask if you’ve ever considered a muzzle? I’ve had some clients who ended up using basket muzzles (not the tight fabric muzzles used for brief medical procedures) and it made their life soooo much easier. Muzzles are more common in Europe than here, and they aren’t perfect. A badly fitted muzzle can come off for example. But it’s amazing how life changes when you no longer worry that your dog might hurt someone. (They also keep people away from your dog, a blessing to many owners.) This may be a crazy suggestion, but I wonder what you think and what others think?

  33. Trisha says

    To Ali re your pittie: Wowser. Sounds like something mis-aligned is going on all right. Any holistic vets who do Chinese medicine or Herbal medicine? I’d love to see someone help with this dog’s physiology, cuz clearly something is going on and I wonder if it’s more than just stress related. That said, Maggie whined and paced for days after I got her, she simply wouldn’t settle down. But that was for about 3 days. She still can get a bit whiny when she’s anxious about something, but it’s rare now. Best of luck to you anyway, hope it improves soon.

    I want to answer more comments but have to go now, more tomorrow!

  34. Ella says

    Trisha, your blog posts always seem to pop up at just the right time for me and I am sitting on the bus trying not to cry after reading through everyone’s comments (so maybe this isn’t the right time, haha). I know what so many of these people are going through, as we are having challenges with our almost two-year old hound mix (best guess) Bowie.

    We adopted Bo in May if last year and you couldn’t have found a more chill dog than the one we took home from an adoption event. Around the other dogs at the event, he was interested but not disruptive and it was clear that his only interest was being snuggled (which was our main interest too)!

    Once we got him home and had a few walks under our belts, we realized that he looovvveeeedddd other dogs and would make sure to meet them by flattening himself as much as possible on the sidewalk in order to meet them and the other parents would be all too happy to oblige (we also considered that this is fear behavior but he would always pop up and be first to approach the other dog so we took it as “a puppy thing.”). After realizing we were encouraging his behavior, we tried some unsuccessful tactics to get his attention/get him away from the stimulus before they could meet and eventually he would become so frustrated/unnerved by our attempts that he started barking at the dogs. And then he started barking at people (even without dogs). And then he started lunging at people and dogs.

    Thankfully, we haven’t had any incidents and shortly after the turn, I bought your books (Cautious Canine, Feisty Fido, The another End of the Leash) and devoured them. We were also in group training around that time and were very lucky that one of the trainers also offered to have a private session with us to back up these learnings. We now go everywhere with high value treats and a clicker and play “Look at That!” and “Let’s Go!” everywhere we go and have seen some success. We can now walk down the street somewhat comfortably but there is still a long way to go and still have bad days when he just can’t be comfortable outside.

    My fiancé and I have asked ourselves so many times in the last few months if we really picked the right dog or if we did something to unhinge him, despite having the best intentions and it breaks our hearts to consider the latter. We feel like failures to our sweet Bo (who continues to be sweet and calm when we are all home alone and really is the best snuggler).

    It has taken a lot of work (and money – behaviorists and trainers aren’t cheap but we would pay a mint if we had to) to get him this far and it will surely take a lot of work to get where he needs to be (Patience should be our #1 vocabulary word but that is sometimes hard to remember).

    My heart goes out to everyone that has had or continues to have behavior problems with their dogs (adopted or otherwise) and thank you to everyone that has shared their stories. It’s nice to know that we’re not alone and that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel, in addition to the end of the leash.

  35. Trisha says

    To Ella (and hundreds of others in the same boat): You are NOT a failure. You are Wonder Woman, Heroine, Dog Lover Extraordinaire. Repeat after me: “Bo’s behavior is not my fault. I am moving heaven and earth to help him, and he is the luckiest dog in the world that I am his owner. And best friend.” I am sorry that he has been so disruptive to your life. After going through Willie’s early years, I can relate to the fear, and frustration and outright exhaustion. All I can say now is try to take it for what is it, and only that. Bo is reactive sometimes when he sees other dogs or people. He has not hurt anyone. He is not suffering terribly. You are doing what you can. Repeat that as you snuggle with him on the couch, invite Patience and Faith to sit beside you and be proud that you have given Bo such a wonderful home.

  36. muttzrule says

    What a relief to know I’m not the only one to think what have I done! after adopting a lovable dog who morphs into a demolitions expert. Duncan the Golden/GSD/Who Knows What was two years old when I adopted him from the shelter, but when he got home he broke out nearly every puppy behavior problem there is. I hadn’t raised a puppy in many years. Not content to wait three days, he began the next day peeing in the house and chewing found objects I had no idea were within reach. His only contribution to the rule of three would be the three remotes he ate during his chewzapaloozas.

    Despite his sweet cuddly personality, I wondered if I’d chosen the wrong dog. But he had already claimed a place in my heart that would always be his. I knew we had to make this work. I studied all of Trisha’s books, and Debbie Jacobs’ Guide to Living With and Training a Fearful Dog. At least one human had already let him down badly or he wouldn’t have ended up in a shelter with giardia, kennel cough and “heartworm lite.” I’d never heard that term before, but one slow-kill pill was all it took to cure him of that. Returning him to the shelter was never really an option. His presence would still be in my memory. I would have always wondered what became of him and felt guilty for giving up on him. I was determined to give him the loving forever home he deserved.

    Numerous times during Duncan’s first two years with me I felt like the WORLD’S WORST MOM for not being able to help him overcome his fearful, destructive outbursts, and for occasionally yelling at him in frustration when I came home from work to yet another crime scene of pee, poop and assorted chewed up objects. I couldn’t crate him all day, he might hurt himself trying to escape it. No dog gate, no closed door, no creative barricade of heavy boxes piled high stopped him if he was determined to get around it. He would get better for several months, then have a bad setback, then slowly work his way out of it for several more months. He had wise, gentle Meg, my senior girl for company, but he tended to get nervous if mom was out of sight. At first I had to leave the bathroom door open or he would potty in the house while I was in there.

    I studied all of Trisha’s books and Debbie Jacobs’ Guide to Livimg With and Training a Fearful Dog. Eventually we went to a series of training classes and he loved it! My smart, friendly, affectionate boy learned quickly, charmed his trainers and earned his CGC. Now seven, he will never be as flawlessly housebroken or calm during storms as his sister Missy, adopted after Meg passed away, but he couldn’t possibly be more loved. In a way all the struggles we have survived together have been what bonded us when at first they threatened to prevent it.

  37. Chis from Boise says

    I just stumbled on my Aug 30, 2014 report to the foster group from whom we adopted Obi. Here are the first three sentences: “Two weeks – wow! And we’re still having fun! I only say “OMG, what was I THINKING??!!” a few times a day….” .

    With Obi, we were one of the lucky ones who got a GREAT match. I give full credit to the foster group, who worked closely with us before and after adoption to make sure he would be a good fit with our not-so-easy Habi. But we still went through more than one “can we make it through this” moment. [Actually, one reason that Mike and I are still together 26 years is that we went into marriage with the philosophy not of “can we make this work?” but “how can we make this work?” That extra word makes a big, big difference].

    Habi was a different story; one well-told by many commenters above. She turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to us (among other things, she gave us a billion opportunities to practice the above philosophy), but I have full sympathy for those who are not equipped for that level of challenge. In my opinion, rehoming, or euthanasia for dogs that should not be rehomed, are valid options if they truly are in the best interest of the dog. Fortunately there are now many more good books, online resources, and in many places great behaviorists and trainers than there were even a decade ago. (If you lack good local resources, I believe that some certified behaviorists offer Skype sessions. Also, the Fenzi Online Dogs Sports Academy offers several excellent online courses for behaviorally challenged dogs).

    Lastly – we too made a lot of mistakes with Habi, especially in the first few months before we really understood what we were up against. I carried a heavy burden of guilt for initially worsening her problems, until I discovered these words of wisdom from Maya Angelou. “Do the best you can. Then, when you know better, do better”. I hope they help you others out there struggling along and doing the best you can.

  38. Jency says

    years ago, we adopted a second dog. Knew within a few days it wasn’t a good fit — this pup needed a more active lifestyle. She revealed her high energy after 2-3 days, very sweet, but tackling my other dog, etc. In principle, we should have given her more time to settle down, etc., but my instincts told me that we couldn’t provide what she needed. After a week, we returned her to the rescue group, who quickly re-homed her to an active family in a rural setting, with horses, day-long hiking excursions, etc. Best decision I ever made, trusting my instincts. Would have been unfair, to keep her longer. (Some months later, adopted a second dog, who was a great fit, and a decade later, a super family member and friend to my other dog.) I don’t see the need to wait three weeks… trust your instincts.

  39. Julia says

    I’ve read several of these comments, looking for one that I can relate to… but so far I don’t see anyone who was in the same position I feel I’m in now. I’m a single mom of two kids aged 10 and 7. We’d never had a dog before (my last one was when I was a teenager and if I’m honest don’t think we were great dog owners… I sure didn’t do much caretaking) …But I love my friends’ dogs, I’ve envied the companionship I know they provide, and I thought my kids deserved to know the love of a dog. I thought we were ready. I had planned to try and get us an older rescue who wouldn’t need lots of exercise, who would be happy just to chill and be a companion for us all, and for whom we could provide a comfortable loving home.

    So we searched for months and finally got a rescue, but he’s only 10 months old. I knew that when I took him in, but I feel pretty naive for thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal. It’s a foster-to-adopt, so after two weeks we decide if we’re all a good match.

    Well, we’ve just hit the two week mark and I go back and forth about a hundred times a day. He’s a GOOD sweet lovely dog, whose only issues are most likely just puppy-related, or potentially just to do with the fact that he didn’t have much love before (apparently he was kept in a cage outside and his owners just decided they didn’t want him after all…)

    But I’m experiencing so much doubt. And so much guilt, because all things considered, he’s really an easy dog – mostly house trained, mostly calm and affectionate, and can be left loose in the house when we’re out and doesn’t ruin anything.

    My worry is that we just don’t have enough time to give him. That maybe I’m not cut out for dog ownership. I love the IDEA of having a dog. But this is for the long haul and I don’t know if I can actually pull it off. And of course now my children are madly madly in love with him, and I’m worried that if we don’t proceed with the adoption, I’ll traumatize THEM because I’m the only one thinking no…

    Ugh. I don’t expect any answers here… but needed to pour this out.

  40. Nikki says

    Two months in and I’m still feeling the “What on earth have I done?!?” at least a few times a day and an overwhelming sense of anxiety has washed over me just in the past week. My rescue boy Moe, is a 40lb lab/bulldog/something mix and seemed like the perfect fit in the first two weeks that I fostered him, so I decided to adopt him! Since then though he’s revealed some serious leash aggression and growling at the slightest noises in my apartment building (which, inconveniently, is full of dogs that we encounter on every walk). We’re working on it but progress is slow and seems to backtrack more often than not. Other than this he is the picture of perfection – low energy, house and crate trained, friendly with people, etc.

    Lately, however, just his constant presence and dependency on me has brought on a sickening dread and anxiety that I’ve never experienced in my life. I can’t help but think maybe he would be happier in another home that has more time for him (I’m returning to grad school next week and won’t be able to spend as much time with him). I don’t have the funds for daily dog walking or daycare which makes me feel even more irresponsible. I like to think this is all just a transition/ phase and I’ll wake up one morning and feel the companionship and happiness that everyone else seems to get to eventually with their dog. Fingers crossed.

  41. Lacey says

    I just rescued a 2 year old, female boxer/mountain cur mix (from what I was told) 4 days ago and I am feeling the anxiety build! She was a completely different dog at the shelter, laid back and easy going but now that she is home. Holy cow! she is bouncing off the walls, no amount of walks or play time help it either. She is huge and I am so scared she is going to bulldoze right through my little 4 pound chihuahuas, which has me on constant alert when they are all out together. Not to mention the knocking people down, drinking from toilets and somewhat aggression towards the cat (which we were told she was perfectly fine with). My husband is wanting to take her back to the shelter in hopes she will find a better suited home, but I feel so awful throwing in the towel. I hate to give up on this sweet girl, but I fear she might be too much for my family to handle…

  42. Jenny H says

    I have had several ‘second hand’ dogs. only one ‘failed’, sadly. She was given to me as a Kelpie. but her behaviour was all terrier (at a guess schnauzer X Jack Russell). She was a nice little dog in her own right, but she needed to be an ‘only dog’. She loved to bite at my other dogs’ heels, and I was seriously afraid that my German Shepherd bitch would kill her, if one of the other dogs didn’t first. I surrendered her to the RSPCA, sadly.
    Another one a small Mini-fixie (like your ‘rat terriers’) I gave away to a man who really wanted him. He was a delight, but yappy and wanted to fight it our with our VERY big, ut affable, male German Shepherd (also a second-hand dog.) Bobby fell on his feet though.
    I now have a second-hand Speagle, not my sort of dog at all, and a real learning experience for me. I never though had second thoughts about her — because initially I was just minding her, and her original owner couldn’t really get around to collecting her immediately. But Millie was a problem dog, and was very happy to be here living with other dogs didn’t at all want to go home with her previous owner when she did come for her. I probably would have been happier without her, but I have never regretted keeping her. I just don’t think of her as a ‘dog’ — just a Mad Millie.

  43. Eric says

    I just wanted to thank you for publishing this advice. My wife and I had a Pom for 14 years, who died in early 2017. We went without a dog until 3 weeks ago, when we heard about a Pom who just turned 3 who needed help. His owner had to go into an assisted living home and thus had to give him up.

    We picked him up on New Years Eve from a rescue after learning about him two days prior. Understand, this is pretty much the coolest dog I have ever met. He is gorgeous, friendly with other dogs and people, housebroken, loves to play, loves affection, is healthy, and really has no issues. It is really not fair to say he is a rescue, in the sense that we were not really taking on any huge challenges with him.

    But I got hit with a severe case of post rescue anxiety. It lasted about 6 days, and it was terrible. I got through it, and partly because I reached out to the shelter and spoke with a volunteer there who was supportive but also helped me put things into perspective by asking me to explain what was wrong with the dog and why I didn’t think he was for me. I also found this article and read it several times.

    After a week, my anxiety passed and perspective returned. I am in love with my new dog and nothing is ever going to separate me from him, but I was a mess for a week. It happens, and it took me for a ride, but once I bonded with this dog, I had no more anxiety.

    Thanks again for the helpful advice.

  44. Amanda says

    I think I have returned to this post over and over again. We’ve had our rescue for almost a year now, and I still get hit with absolute anxiety and dread over him. We love him to pieces, and he’s a good boy, but he has a bit of baggage or genetics at his heels. And, I struggle with the shortcomings I have as a first-time dog owner.

    We thought long and hard about the dog we wanted to adopt. We are both avid hikers and backpackers, and we have two cats (which we A-dore). After researching breeds and meeting dogs on the trail, we were looking for a lab-type dog. So, we went to the SPCA had a long chat with the adoption specialist and took home a lab mix that was labeled “ok with cats.”. He was six months old and had just gotten over parvovirus.

    Fast forward to him also having Giardia, and that taking a bit to clear up, I don’t think we saw his real personality until about 3 months in. (3s!) He’s energetic to say the least, but he gets over-excited. We take him to a really awesome doggie daycare if we both have to be in the office, so he goes like 1-2x a week. Otherwise, he’s with us. We exercise the heck out of him – long, long walks and fetch. We’ve had trainers come to our house when he was making us nervous with our friends toddler (he just kept going to his face and licking him but would not stop! Cute, until it’s not. Now we just don’t mix him with kids) and we completed the AKC obedience classes.

    However, as he is getting older, he is increasingly becoming protective over our property, he’s aggressive with other male dogs that display any dominant-type behavior (any dog looking straight at our boy is a definite ‘we need to get him out of here’ situation) and has begun lunging and barking at the gate that keeps him separated from our cats. We were trying to figure out what type of dog he was so that we could better train him, so we DNA-tested him for Christmas. To our surprise, he’s 40% American Staff, 40% German Shepherd and 15% Belgian Malinois and 5% who knows.

    So, of course, I do all the reading about those breeds (and work through my anxiety over suddenly having a pit bull and not knowing which side to believe when it came to that controversy – I’ve made my peace with that! Not to get too off track, but I think that lends itself to his dog aggression, but I don’t think it makes him a more dangerous dog than others.) But much of my reading comes down to the “strong leader” concept. As much as I try to make him “listen” to me, if he has what he thinks is a better plan? That’s what he is doing.

    He follows me everywhere, and is really sweet and affectionate. But, his aggression towards other dogs (not all dogs, just some, so we have to be high alert always) and his behavior towards the cats has me so, so nervous. Not to mention, with all of his guard-dog sensibilities, he’s not really a relaxed individual when I take him for hikes so the idea of backpacking with him is out of the question.

    The idea of re-homing him is so heart-breaking to me, and also wrought with issues due to his breed type. I want to be a good and reponsible dog-owner, and I do think that I am being that. But, sometimes I just get stuck on if we are the rright owners for him. Woudl a different set of more experienced and perhaps authortative dog-owners be best for him? Am I doing him a disservice by keeping him?

    I know, in the end, each situation is unique and it’s really up to us. What I would really love to hear is something like “he’s a hormone-imbalanced teenager right now! He’ll calm down and this is as bad as it gets! Just up that Patience!” rather than “well, he’s still figuring what kind of dog he is going to be . . .” Or, hey, is there some magical next-door neighbor who would be like “we’ll take him but you can see him everyday!” Ha. That would be lovely.

    Anyway, that’s my novel and I’d love to hear any advice, or even just thoughts anyone has on this. I really love your perspective, books and this blog.

  45. Debbie says

    I adopted a dog and didn’t know about the first few days anxiety and I after 1 day took him back and immediately knew I made a mistake and have been begging the rescue to forgive me and to let me go get him..trying to explain the anxiety took over and I made a rash decision and wanted him back…the rescue won’t talk to me. If this is so common why didn’t they calm me down, talk me out of it and remind me that anxiety can be normal and to please give the dog and myself three weeks to get past this? I’m reading many posts online where this does happen…

  46. Trisha says

    I wish the rescue had talked to you! There’s nothing anyone can do if they are going to ghost you, but it is indeed a shame. If all your efforts have failed, then I’d chalk it up to life lessons, forgive yourself and start looking for your forever dog. And please do forgive yourself! It is so easy to beat ourselves up for being human, but dogs forgive us, and they are often wiser than we are, right?

  47. Martha says

    Thank you very much for this kind post that addresses what we humans are experiencing during this transition. We are on day five, and I am in a cloud of free-form anxiety and dread. I so appreciate your post, and everyone’s responses. It DOES feel good to know I am not alone. I’m thankful that my husband has far more patience and faith than I do. I need to work on steps 3, 5 and 6. Thank you for giving me some direction. I am truly grateful to you.

  48. Karla says

    My family is going through this at the moment; our rescue is a 70lb shepherd mix, and we have two children, ages 6 & 3. Our older boy has ADHD and is constantly snapping his fingers and whistling (stimming behaviours, normal for ADHD), and this excites the dog we fear too much.
    We knew he was big, and figured with some training and consistency we could nip his jumping up and nipping behaviours – but this takes time and patience, which normally I have…but not when it comes at the safety of my kids. Especially when the oldest invites/encourages these behaviours because of the stimming he does.
    The boys adore the dog, and we all do! He’s got such a goofy personality and just rolls over for the love of belly rubs…but I’m scared we’ve put the kids at risk. They will grow, sure. But for the next several years, if we keep the dog, I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my anxiety and fear at bay; and I know that dogs are very attuned to emotions.
    I was so hopeful about this, all rosy glow and rainbows…but it’s been a week with our rescue, and my husband and I have been so stressed over this fear all week long to the point that I don’t think our home is/will be a good environment for the dog.
    I don’t want to fail at this. My guilt of this not working as I’d imagined is overwhelming. But my kids – they have to come first.

  49. Trisha says

    Oh oh oh Karla, throw that guilt away as if it was trash you’d found on the street. Honestly girl, you have no reason to feel guilty at all. This is just simply not a good match–not for you, not for your son, and not for the dog. It’s no gift to the dog to live where he has to pretend to be someone he isn’t all his life. Me “y Border Collie Willie could never, even live safely with your son, and for his sake alone (not to mention my son’s), I’d find him a new home. Remember–your duty to this dog is not to force yourself to be “the one,” but rather to know who he is, and help him find the right place for him. Don’t keep living like this, life is hard enough!

  50. Karla says

    Trisha, it’s honestly gut-wrenching! He is such a good dog, so full of love and silliness (he sploots ALL the time!)! If my boys were older, bigger…this would be an absolute perfect fit because they could handle a dog this size a bit better.
    Double-guilt for me because the foster family was so happy for us all, and we became connected through a mutual close friend… I feel like I’m letting everyone down.
    I wish the timing was different.
    But I think you’re right – I can attest to this dog being a big lovable goof, which would be best suited to adults and older children (10yrs and up).
    I’m double checking with my spouse tonight about our combined consensus, but feel we will likely be taking this gorgeous boy back.
    (And I will sob for days…I got so attached)
    Thank you for replying…I know this entry isn’t recent; you’ve been an excellent sounding board.
    Blessings and peace to you, your fam-jam, skin & fur!

  51. Trisha says

    Yes yes, cry your eyes out Karla for this loss, and let your heart swell with pride that you are doing what is right for your children, your husband, yourself and for this silly goof ball of a dog. In my experience you are at the worst of it: Once the decision is made and action is taken, it gets much better.

  52. Dawn says

    I just got a dog from clean the shelter out and I was so happy. I still am. My husband on the other hand isn’t. She’s a sweetheart and I want to keep her but I think I over did it. I have 3 other dogs and my pet limit is actually 2 dogs. One of my dogs is my emotional support dog but they still count him where I live. I love her so much but now that I got her home with me I’m regretting it some. I don’t want to have to take her back though. I foster and I feel so bad. She’s the best but I think I should have listened to my husband. But at the moment I was to excited and brought her home even after he said no. I’m not really sure what to do. It’s only been a few hours so far.

  53. Trisha says

    But you do know what to do: Take her back. Sorry–sometimes the answer is simple. It’s just not easy.

  54. Manu says

    Trisha, I find your posts and those of others here very inspiring. Here’s mine and I would like to share it with those interested:

    When Jimpa (a 10 month old Newfoundland puppy) came to our home we went through a period of honeymoon that quickly turned into a nightmare. We found out that he wasn’t house trained and had a nasty habit of jumping at people and mouthing (or biting). One day last Fall, he pulled my wife so hard that she fell and broke her wrist. We tried to train Jimpa and were patient, but it began to wear down as our efforts didn’t have the desired effects. We began to look upon Jimpa as a dog with serious behavioral issues, which was code for “we should think about taking him back to the shelter”. It took me a while to realize that the one who was being put to test here wasn’t Jimpa, it was me! And, by all accounts I seemed to be failing the test. You see, Jimpa had come to our world with no user manual or “how-to” guide. To make things worse he had no way of communicating with us to figure out what’s acceptable behavior for us. The situation from Jimpa’s standpoint was downright hopeless! But come to think of it, haven’t we all at some point in life been in a situation where rules of behavior are undefined and people around us can’t tell us what’s acceptable and what is not. Speaking for myself, I have been in this situation many times in my life. I think every baby that’s born finds himself or herself in a similar position, but we never blame the baby for “bad” behavior. There are no bad babies, only bad parents! Yet, through a mother’s unconditional love, even before a baby can speak or understand words, a communication channel is established. And, the child feels welcomed to a warm and loving family. You see, the message here is that when one is given unconditional love, it always brings out the best in us and we feel this indomitable desire to give it back. The same happened to Jimpa. Through words and deeds, I responded to every mischievous act of Jimpa with unconditional love and kindness. When he would jump and bite in excitement, I would massage his back and caress his chest, telling him at the same time that this was hurtful to me. Not very different from how a loving mother responds to unwelcome acts of violence of a child. And then, within a span of days, Jimpa underwent a transformation. People around me we surprised. It’s as if he understood that some of his actions toward me were hurtful and others were not. So, biting my hand was hurtful but licking my hands was a show of affection. We seem to have found a common language. Jimpa’s story is far from over, but slowly he is becoming a part of our family, and I can feel the warmth of his emotions just as he can feel mine.

  56. Bea says

    Wow, I see you wrote this almost 2 years ago and I was reading through all the comments. My regrets (along with a full on crying melt down, panic attack) came yesterday. I just adopted a 2 year old pitty from animal control. Her name is Emmy. She was a stray and they didn’t know much about her past. When I met her, it was instant love. She walked well on leash, liked other dogs, and would lean into you to get pets. She was also calm in her kennel. It took about a week for her to get spayed and I thought I had everything ready for her. A nice, quiet room, crate, toys, bowls, etc. I was prepared for her to not be potty trained, know basic commands, or bark in her crate. What I wasn’t prepared for was her mangling 2 crates, destroying the door and carpet to get out of the room, and generally going in a panic when she was left alone for more than 10 minutes.
    She’s such a sweet dog. She’s potty trained, knows how to sit and lay down, I can grab toys and even food from her. But I had such a melt down when I placed her in the bathroom for not even 10 minutes and she destroyed the floor by the door, trying to get out. I cried because I couldn’t walk my other dog, take care of the other dog and cat, go to the bathroom, or even take a shower without Emmy freaking out to the point of hurting herself when she is alone.
    Currently, she’s in day boarding while she heals from her spay scars. It’s difficult when she comes home at night, but my mother comes over to help out.

  57. Dijana says

    I am sitting at work, hiding behind my cardigan just bawling while reading every comment on here. As I find myself in the same situation as 90% of you did, I just had to make one of the hardest decisions in my life.
    I adopted a Lab/Pittie mix 1 month ago from the Humane Society. I literally fell in love with Oreo, the first moment I saw him.
    Even though I have already my baby (Pekingese/Papillon) mix at home who is a little bossy, Tasmanian devil, lol I wanted him to have a companion as I work a lot.
    We went through the adjustment period of Oreo’s accidents in the house, his constant crying and having huge separation anxiety.
    What you may call play fighting in the beginning between the two, became more intense with Oreo grabbing the little one by his neck and shaking him. This situation frightened me as I have a 9 year old daughter who is around them all the time.
    I started obedience training with Oreo and separate them in kennels but I felt so bad that they had to be in kennels just to make it work.
    My little dog is very mouthy and wants to be the boss at all times. He would look so unhappy because Oreo would constantly jump on him or go for his neck, not biting down but it did not help my anxiety and fear.
    I woke up one morning and decided to take him back as I did not want to wait for the inevitable to happen and with that, destroy the opportunity for Oreo of ever being adopted again.
    It has been 4 days and I haven’t stopped crying. My heart hurts so bad and I am not sure that I made the right decision. I had all the right intentions and wanted everyone to be happy but now no one is anymore…

  58. Su Killian says

    I found a little dog 6 years ago wandering on the road and I rescued her. There has not been one minute that I ever regretted it. We fell in love and have been best friends ever since. My life would be very empty and lost without her. She brings so much love and light to my life.

  60. Madeleine says

    I came to this post trying to find a relate-able situation to what I am going through. I adopted a 1 year old lab hound mix from the humane society last weekend. I met her on a Friday and took her home on Sunday. It was a quick decision, but she was adorable and seemed to check all the right boxes (i.e. mostly potty trained, liked to play, crate trained). I live with a roommate in an apartment, but she is gone all day at work and I work from home 90% of the time. I figured having a companion would help out my anxieties of constantly being lonely and I’ve always loved dogs.

    I got her home and soon came to find that she has manic bursts of energy that result in her attacking/scratching/jumping on/biting me, is terrified of cars (I live in the city so any walks/runs we go on, there are cars nearby), has no rhyme nor reason for who she is friendly to vs. who she barks/snarls at and has weird triggers from her past that I can’t figure out. On the flip side, when she’s calm, she’s affectionate and a joy to be around. I took her to the vet and they put her on calming medication and anxiety medication. It has helped a bit but I can tell she feels funny. I feel guilty for putting her on medication, but I can’t handle her if she’s not. Her fear of cars has resulted in me either dragging her down my apartment stairs to pee or trying to compromise and keep her inside for longer than I should. Then she has accidents. Her reactions to some people has made me extremely nervous hiring a dog walker to come walk her on days I have to go into the office.

    I absolutely lost it on the phone with my parents last night. I feel like she deserves a home with a yard and other dogs to play with when her energy hits. Or a family that can constantly pay attention to her instead of someone like me who has to focus on work while she just sits there a majority of the day. I have cried, prayed, read blog posts and talked to friends/family. Everyone has told me to wait it out but I am so stressed about her constantly. I always thought I would have unconditional love for my new dog but I am freaking out. I’m lost and am stuck between trying to force myself to make this work or making the heartwrechning decision to take her back to the humane society. I feel like a horrible person for even considering it but I have found myself even more unhappy than when I brought her home. I’m not sure if I will find any guidance on this page but putting my feelings down in writing certainly helps.

  61. Trisha says

    You are NOT a horrible person! You are an angel to adopt a dog who needs a home. She absolutely might be happier in another home, but if you can, I’d see if you can get through one or two more weeks. Big changes can occur in that time period. Meanwhile, find a trainer you trust, a good friend who will be there for you at any hour of the day and who will help you brain storm your day by day strategies. I will say that dealing with a one year old hound mix while you work from home is a challenge–and truly she might be happier in another home. But the first week is often the worse, so find your support group, schedule time away where YOU can get a break, and see how she does after another week or so. If she’s not the right dog, it’s not your fault at all–think of yourself as the window to her perfect home, which is a wonderful gift to give her.

  62. kristy says

    I gave my baby back today. We had him 13 months… he was 90% a good sweet loving dog. But he bites… not always sure why. Can’t take him out without being on super high alert. Even so he managed to bite a neighbor. I finally became exhausted by having to be so careful. Couldn’t trust him. Wouldn’t let him around kids. Wouldn’t dream of touching him in the dark for example. 5he rest of the time he just wanted to sit in a lap or have his belly rubbed. Good at the groomer. Panicked and muzzled at the vet. I need a dog I don’t have to worry about all the time. There are many many dogs that don’t bite. Why?

  63. Ruth says

    Thanks you have walked in my shoes .I can’t tell you what it means to be to have someone that has been there .My other 3 fur babies were as close to perfect as possible .only 1 at a time for over 30 years of great love .And then the last one that I returned to the shelter .,after 3 days .Still go to visit her ,at the new shelter she has been move to .And they will not let me try again .Heartbreaking

  64. Michelle Joyce says

    I got my puppy in August and have since been conflicted on whether to re-home him or not. My baby is very playful, an adorable aussie-cavalier mix, sweet, and very smart. It isn’t the vet bills that bother me (he had Hookworms for almost a month), or his aloofness, or his stubborness but his boundless of energy and the lack of sleep while working with a second shift job. Despite that I have hired a dog walker, let him have puppy play dates, taking him to puppy training courses, I always feel like I need more help managing him. I have a hard time letting him wander around the apartment without my constant supervision and he’s always wanting to play. Trying to match his energy levels are nearly exhausting when I’d rather spend more time trying to catch up on sleep. I’m also guilty for crating him to give my mind a moments peace of mind because he demands so much attention and I just want to cry most times.

  65. Trisha says

    Oh oh oh, do not feel guilty for needing time to rest. Puppies are exhausting!!! There is nothing wrong with crating him, it gives you a break and it is good for him to learn to cycle down sometimes. It will get better–BUT: Puppies aren’t for everyone. I couldn’t handle one right now, and if you can’t find enough ways to get yourself some rest, there’s nothing wrong with deciding that another home would be best for him. If you can, I’d suggest getting in a professional, progressive trainer (positive reinforcement please) and see if s/he can help you find ways to manage this little terror until he gets older. Good luck, and keep us posted.

  66. Dana Vance says

    So glad to find this site. I am beside myself about a dog my husband fell in love with and we brought home a month ago. Backstory: we live in a 4th floor apartment (elevator building) and have an 18 year old who lives with us and a 20 year old away at college. Never had a dog in 24 years of marriage. We both work full time, husband travels and I just went back to grad school. Husband volunteers at a shelter and fell in love with a 9 month old housebroken mastiff mix. Tells me THIS IS MY DOG I HAVE TO HAVE THIS DOG. What do I say to that? What kind of a bitch wife would say no? So home this beast comes. Not housebroken and oh–closer to 6 months old and likely pure mastiff according the dog trainer. Pulls on the leash and lunges at children so much that I won’t walk him. Predicted to be 100-120 pounds. What was I thinking?? Chews, pees on the floor, pulls on my clothes and yet–husband adores the dog. They walk and lay on the couch together. I don’t think that is enough stimulation and activity for a dog that age and size but what do I know. The 18 year old wants nothing to do with the dog and so he stays in his room with the door closed. I don’t want to be pulled on so I stay in the bedroom with the door closed. I don’t think it’s right to take the dog back to the shelter-it’s not his fault I didn’t say no but I cannot live with this dog. Talk about a rock and a hard place. Husband says he may have someone who wants the dog. How much is he going to resent me if we give HIS dog to someone else. What possible options do I have. How is our marriage going to survive this. I sound like the most shallow uncaring person ever–I realize what I sound like. Help.

  67. Trisha says

    What is shallow and uncaring about not wanting your entire life to be disrupted such that you and your son hide in your rooms? This is not so much about the dog, but the two of you having an honest conversation about what you both need and going from there. Your first commitment is to each other, right? Your husband isn’t the first person who volunteered at a shelter and lost his heart to a dog who might not be a good fit. Has he talked to the shelter about any help with training? Most importantly, I hope the two of you can sit down and be honest and authentic about where to go from here. He loves this dog, but he loves you too, right? Keep me posted, paws crossed for you.

  68. DANA M VANCE says

    We have had a trainer at the house once and husband and the dog start a class at the end of October. For the first week or two I was okay and then it was like someone flipped a switch and I was like holy crap I can’t do this. I want this dog to disappear. I was not prepared for how disruptive it would be–that’s my own fault for not being more informed or realistic and it’s not the poor dog’s fault. I have been looking at studio apartments–it might be easier for the dog to stay and me go at this point. I just cannot imagine how my husband is going to resent me if this dog leaves. It’s going to break his heart.

  69. Sophie says

    I’m so glad I came across this whilst looking on the internet, I recently brought home an adult rescue dog 3 days ago, she’s come from Portugal, luckily she is a really calm dog, only issue is she isn’t toilet trained due to living outside in kennels! I’m on day 3 and today have woke up feeling really low and depressed, such a weird feeling came over me!

    I’ve always had cats and we have 3, the dog is fine with the cats, she just wants to sniff them etc but my cats are having non of it, they have retreated upstairs and are feeling sorry for themselves, it now makes me feel even worse about the situation, as I’m thinking what have I done, I’ve brought this big dog in and now my cats hate it, I’m hoping in time they will get used to her.. but seems very odd adapting to a dog when you’ve only had cats! Such an overwhelming feeling!

  70. Shawna K says

    I haven’t even made it 24 hours before thinking what have I done? Our previous dog had dog and leash aggression and was scared of everything. Is was very high maintenance. We brought home a rescue dog and I’m not so anxious because he barks at people walking by the house or us when we come in the door but calms down right away. His foster mom said he has mild leash aggression and dog aggression but we took him on a long walk with our neighbor and he was great! Dogs have barked at him and he just kept going. He also was fostered with 4 dogs and went to doggy daycare, my last dog couldn’t even get in the same state as another dog. I think a lot of my anxiety is he isn’t my previous dog. I knew every little detail about him. I could find these two longer hairs he had on his head, I knew which of his toes had a little bump on it. It’s only been 3 weeks since we lost our pup but our home just felt so sad without a dog. I need to give us time three days, three weeks and three months and I think we will all be feeling better.

  71. Dog Rescue blues says

    I can’t believe I found this post. Brand new dog owners. We have a 2 year old golden-collie (we think) and right now is he great. It’s been only 4 days, he doesn’t go in the house, minimal whining, some barking. He does have some leash problems and… he is scared of new places. Won’t go in the elevator, barely goes in the stairs (we live on the 4th floor) and has to be coaxed into the car. He is beautiful, nice, nothing wrong but the fear of places. He backs away so hard his harness almost comes off.

    Now, each time he’s done this, I’ve gotten really upset but I was already anxious to begin with. We have been trying to get a dog for a long time. We had a horrible experience with a puppy who was given to us (they said he was 8 weeks, he wasn’t he was 5). Within a few days, he got very, very sick. I was already in love with him. By the end of the week, our vet (we went to two) told us that A) he was not 8 weeks B) he had severe distemper and pneumonia and C) they had to put him down. It was the worst feeling in the world. This came after adopting a different puppy two weeks before that who was also put down.

    So a few months later, we found Indy. Cut to 4 days later. He is great but my anxiety is high. I’m in therapy for this already but I’m also sad because A) my cat can’t come into the living room right now and I miss her B) I feel like some of my freedom is gone and C) I feel like I won’t be able to take this dog anywhere because he doesn’t want to. We have a trainer coming next week but today I broke down and cried. My husband seems fine and is calm but I’m like always thinking “Is the dog okay? Are we doing enough?” I’m at work but take a lunch break to go and play with him so he’s alone at most 5 hours. I’m also very nervous that (besides the new places thing) this isn’t his real behavior and he will chew, whine, bark, pee in the house after the honeymoon period. I cried earlier today after the vet visit because it took me 30 minutes to get him in the door and then another 30 into the car.

    Our rescue has kindly said we can take another week to see if it’s a fit because we are fostering to adopt but what kind of person would I be if I rehomed him simply because I’m too anxious and want freedom. That’s what’s going through my head right now. I love him, I don’t think the bond has been made yet because I’m able to think it’s possible to rehome (there is a wait list for him). I’m also super nervous that he wouldn’t want an apartment and we are moving Dec 1st so even if he gets okay with this apartment and coming into here, what about the new one? Will he know us enough by then that it won’t be an issue?

    This is everything I am feeling and I wish I wasn’t. I really want to give a dog a home but what if.. what if I’m not someone who should own dogs but only cats? and what if my husband is someone that wants dogs? I think I’m a dog person I love them alot, all my friends have dogs, everyone knows we have him right now. What kind of person would I be if I ended up giving him back? What is the proper timeframe to try?

    I’m glad I came across this because I am not alone but would love words of encouragement.

  72. Trisha says

    What kind of person would I be if I ended up giving him back? A human one. Try reading Love Has No Age Limit, in which co-author and I talk about he universality of “buyers remorse”. IF, and only IF, you do decide
    it’s best all around to take him back, you’d be making a kind, compassionate decision for him and for you. Kudos to that.

    What is the proper timeframe to try? Well, it’s probably not now. You’re in the worst of it at the moment. Four days is the worst! Take a breath, take lots of them. Start laughing at him. Start laughing at everything and anything if you can. Give it three weeks if possible. His fears well might be conquered or significantly better by then. You will lose freedom, yup, that’s for sure, so if that’s the deal breaker then maybe you shouldn’t have a dog right now. But you’re in transition, and transitions are
    hard. Everything feels new and weird. I’d give both you and the dog more time. Meanwhile, you don’t have to decide this second. Or this minute, or hour. So try to enjoy him in the present and see where that gets you. Good luck!
    be conquered or much better by then.

  73. m says

    I hate myself cause I love animals, I really do. and I always hated the ones that had those re-thinking because I said why people is so stupid to not think before taking a poor little soul home? But I find myself in this situation now and I hate it.
    My beloved cat died due to a car months ago, it was a shock to me cause it was my baby. Then, I had another situation that made me be for the first time in my life, really alone. It was so scary but I loved it too, it was the first time I could find some broken pieces of myself. In the meantime, my ocd mind and my love for animals made me think that I HAD TO take another cat, I KNEW I wanted one. It was normal the idea, and I loved to idealizing to have a lovely little cat again. But everytime I wanted to choose one, I stopped myself. I’m a bad bad observer of myself, I thought I just was insecure instead I just wasnt’ ready. And when I saw again the little kitty girl a family wanted to give me I said yes, let’s go and stop this insecurity!I was happy, she is the joy of my life,but I feel anxoius and oppressed. The truth is I’m not ready to love fully again, it really hurts me cause I’m still depressed. I cry a lot. I wanted so much a family but it was broken and now I wanted to begin to feel free, free of pain to love, free to begin the work I love, and free to travel if one day they ask me for my work, but I can’t feel it that way if I leave her with me, cause I’d love her too much I know myself I couldn’t be mentally free 100%. I love her, and I can’t understand myself and why I such a delicate and graceful lady could be a problem, I hate my mind, but I know she could return to her lovely family that could give her much much more than me. I just feel in a nightmarewhere i can’t still decide it’s now quite two month cause it hurts too much to me, she’s my little baby.

  74. m says

    and I thought of all before. I thought of all responsability and said yes, I was ready, but I wasn’t real. The less knowing of myself brought me to think to be ready but the truth is when you’re not in a stable situation, both external and internal, when you are not sure, when you can’t decide, you just don’t have to, you can’t make important decision.and stop obsess over it.

  75. gia says

    I’m so relieved I came across this post and have felt really comforted reading everyone’s comments and feeling that I’m not alone. I have an almost 3 year old rescue- chow mix. I adopted him when he was almost 4 months old. He has a bit of separation anxiety but nothing major. Loves other dogs. It’s only me and him at home, and being a dog lover, I had been thinking that it would be nice for him to have a companion when I’m at work etc. A few weeks ago I came across an adorable pit mix (maybe) pup from the same rescue I adopted my first from. We did a meet and greet which went well, and then a two night sleepover to see if this would be a good fit. After the meet and greet I felt unsure. I still moved forward with the overnight trial. While it was overwhelming, the puppy didn’t do anything wrong. He seemed to be okay in the crate (my resident dog isn’t crated anymore so being in a crate is a must for the new pup), he was sweet, pretty calm typical puppy. When I had to drop him back off at the foster I cried thinking I may never see him again. Yet I was still torn. I didn’t know why I was having so much anxiety making the decision. The puppy didn’t do anything wrong and the two dogs got along just fine. After another week of agony, I decided to move forward with officially adopting the puppy and I picked him up on Saturday. I am on the dreaded day 3 and can’t count the number of times I have cried. The puppy is a typical puppy. He has some accidents but is so sweet and calm. My sadness is more for my resident dog. He is such a creature of habit and an old soul. He is used to having his favorite bones around (he even puts them in the same spot everyday and waits for me to get home from work before he grabs the bone and excitedly waits for me to follow him into the bedroom). Now, I can’t leave his favorite bones around because the new puppy obviously goes after them. I also can’t leave his water bowl on the ground because the new puppy chugs the entire bowl and then has an accident. I’m beginning to think that in trying to give my resident dog a friend, I have actually made his life worse. Everything he knows and all of his habits have been turned upside down. He’s also a grazer with his food and the puppy isn’t, so I have to keep the resident dog’s food out of reach when the puppy isn’t crated. I hate that I’m feeling like I made a mistake. I’m a dog lover and a rescue advocate, and know so many people with multiple dogs who say it’s the best decision they ever made. I just am heartbroken because my resident dog is my soul mate and has saved my life in more ways than I can count, and I feel like I’ve now made his life worse. And at the same time, this poor sweet puppy who I feel like I can’t connect to has done nothing wrong outside of typical puppy behavior. I feel insane and cry at the drop of a dime. If anyone has had a similar experience, I would love to talk.

  76. Kristin says

    Trisha,
    I want to thank you for your website and for your interaction here. I just found you last night and have read much of your blog, this post 4 times along with the comments, and bought your ebook on rescuing the older/adolescent dog.

    We are experienced dog rescuers(this is our 5th rescue). I thought that was enough. We (me, husband, teen son and 3 older kids) had two dogs until 2 years ago when our beloved older dog passed. So after living with our beloved other dog by himself for 2 years, we began to feel like adding another dog to our home. My husband and I thought it through, he had some practical reservations that I should have listened more carefully to in retrospect but in the end we decided to rescue another little dog.

    We adopted her from our rescue group this weekend. She’s a 2 1/2 year old sweetie who just wants to be loved. She’s never lived in a home before (former breeding dog with a home breeder who took decent care of the dogs). She bonded with me immediately but in an anxious way. She very clearly is dealing with separation issues (I cannot go to the bathroom without her crying). Nighttime is a disaster because she is afraid of the crate and won’t stay in it unless I sleep in the bed next to the crate which I what I have done for two nights now. She cries and screams and tries to dig out if I don’t. She does the same thing in the laundry room and bathroom. Daytime she does the same thing crying and barking for about 10 mins if uncrated and then settles down into her dog bed. If crated, it’s a panicked bark/scream and pawing at the kennel door. I don’t know if I should try letting her cry it out in the kennel. It would help.

    She needs some type of confinement at night and when I am not home during the day because she isn’t fully house trained. She keeps her crate clean but doesn’t really know to potty outside. She’s learning but she waits and holds it for hours before going outside despite lots of attempts and praise when she does finally go. This morning I took her out, she pottied after 15 mins and then came inside and pooped in the carpet within 4 mins.

    We are all feeling conflicted and have lots of emotions about a new dog that we weren’t expecting. I worry what have I done to my older dog who is a joy and looks at us like what is happening and why is the other screaming dog here and why won’t she play, etc? My husband is supportive of me and has said if I want to keep the dog that is what we will do. The problem is I don’t know if I want to keep her, and that makes me feel horrible. My teen son is just as conflicted and we all feel like she’s just her as someone else’s dog if that makes sense? I have cried more times than I care to admit and have actually lost 4 pounds in 2 days due to not being able to eat from the anxiety of possibly making the wrong decision in adopting her.

    Any help you can give would be so very appreciated. I am just devastated and anxious over all of this. I know her problems aren’t terrible but I cannot deal with the SA. We had a dog a long time ago with SA and kept him, loved him, but he was so hard to handle in terms of leaving him to go anywhere. I worry this new dog will be like that.

    Kristin

  77. Trisha says

    Oh, so sorry. First… know it’s okay if you don’t keep this dog. You are still a good person if you can’t make it work. You do not deserve a life of anxiety. Second, decide how long you can wait to see if she settles down. It often takes a dog like the one you have at least two-three weeks to settle in even the slightest bit. I find it helps if you know you have a time limit. .. As in, we don’t have to decide today, just get through it. But we know we have a limited time we’ll go through this if it doesn’t work out. Third, if you do decide to try a few more days or weeks, round up support. Dog sitters. Hand holders. Massage appts, or whatever helps you feel sane and able to relax. Whatever you do, it’s okay. You are trying your best to do the right thing, but losing four pounds in two days is NOT okay. Find a way to get some sleep and talk to us tomorrow morning!

  78. Hope says

    Trisha,

    I have been scouring the internet looking for verification that what I am feeling is okay. I adopted a 1 year old lab/shepherd mix just 4 days ago. Day 1 was amazing she was cute and cuddly, appeared house trained and is amazing in the crate slept through the night and everything. I truly felt so blessed and excited about what was to come making plans in my head about taking her places and fun things we can do together.

    In the days that followed, she has exhibited a remarkable lack of leash manners and is incredibly unsocialized with other dogs and people. She tugs and pulls until my arm feels like its going to fall off to sus out a person, who she then either jumps on and becomes a pile of mush for or she gets really low and growls at them. With dogs she stares at them with such interest that the other dogs feel threatened and immediately start barking and lunging at her in which scenario she does the same in return. While this behavior has been a constant over the last few days she seems to develop a new bad habit everyday whether it is destroying toy after toy, nipping at strangers, stealing clothing, or most recently she pooped in the house.

    I have so much anxiety all the time about her and how she is acting and what if it doesn’t get better, what if I can’t be what she needs and I have to give her back like her previous owners did (they had her from puppyhood and then returned her to the rescue because they had a baby). I really don’t want to do that. I want to have this wave of anxiety lifted so I can enjoy what is supposed to be one of the best things in life. My boyfriend who has been the most supportive throughout this process said something today which really hit, he said “Do you think this anxiety and fear and frustration you feel about her something you can get over?” I don’t have an answer for him, I don’t know if I can but I really really want to.

    Any advice or anything else would be greatly appreciated. I am struggling right now and don’t know what to do and don’t want to make the wrong choices for her or myself.

  79. Trisha says

    Oh you poor thing! A few thoughts: First, get help. Call a trainer, talk to where you got her, go on line, do all you can to not feel alone in this nightmarish challenge. Second, set a time table. As in: I’ll try for X weeks and if things aren’t much better I won’t keep her. Three: Use a product that will stop her from pulling–search for “No Pull Harness”. But most of all, get help! Don’t feel you have to do this alone. She’s clearly a challenge–and she may be absolutely fine in a few months, and much better in just a few weeks. But she may not, time to bring in some professionals!

  80. Melissa says

    Finding this article is very timely. My husband and I just adopted our first dog. We have three cats who have been our furbabies for many years. When we were looking for rescue dogs, I was really enticed by the idea of a dog that could possibly be running buddy, and I’m afraid I let that color my decisions when we were finding a dog. We knew the dog we got was timid with some anxiety. She previously had a fenced yard and were told she was afraid of the leash (We do not have a fenced yard. I was honestly surprised the foster family was so okay with this and was possibly given a false sense of security by their being okay.) She does fine once the leash is on but doesn’t like the on/off process. She has been improving somewhat with trying to associate a high value treats with getting the leash on, but it can still be a struggle especially for my husband who she has not warmed up to very much yet. My main concern is that she has been growling at my husband at times when he comes near her. This has happened most often when she is on the couch or more recently laying in her bed in our rooms. The dog that we adopted was the one that I was really interested in and fell in love with. I have been incredibly anxious and tearful with the transition and the feeling that the dog we got isn’t bonding with my husband and feel worse when she growls at him. He says he is happy we adopted her but at the same time hasn’t taken as active of an interest in her. With full honesty, there were two dogs we were thinking of, and I’m not sure if subconsciously my husband is responding to the fact that she isn’t the other dog (who definitely would have been an easier dog). I’m not sure if this will get better or if this is just a sign that maybe we didn’t make the right decision for her in adopting her. She is also really timid with most new people. She is almost 7 months. We have had her for almost a week. Emotions and anxiety definitely set in on day 3.

  81. Jude Wiggins says

    I enjoyed reading all the posts. My rescue supposedly was housebroken (used doggy door) and I don’t have one as I have two cats. She and the cats get along which was the key to adopting her. She is between 8-10 years old, thought to be spayed (not). Since she has been with me she pees in the house. There is no definite pattern (leaving her, etc.,) The rescue group took her to a specialists to make sure she didn’t have a tumor or such — and she didn’t, but he said she was having a false pregnancy and has milk in her nipples. The rescue group took her to their vet to be spayed (yes she had all her parts). The first 10 days after being spayed she peed in little, big and small amounts. I bought pee pads and she used them, but they were in every room. I confined her when I left the house to the kitchen area with a pee pad. I thought she had turned the corner as she is not peeing small amts. We had 1 day with no accidents in the house or using the pee pads. Maybe 2 days. However, on walks she pees when we first go out, and then she tries at least -3-4 times on a walk. She doesn’t pee at night (10 until 7) and seemed to be improving but she is still peeing at odd times. Sometimes she is okay for 4 hours, other times I take her for a walk or into the back yard and she goes, then in less than an hour she pees on the floor. I have to watch her because she will just go off and pee. Today, she was doing ok and was sound asleep, I decided I would take her for a walk before I had to go do some work from 1-4:30. She came into the kitchen from the bedroom where she had been sound asleep, and got in her bed while I worked in the kitchen. I went down the hall to the bedroom and she had gotten up and peed on the bedroom floor before she apparently came into the kitchen. I can’t understand why she didn’t come into the kitchen (where the door is) to see me, but just peed on the floor. She has been out about 1 hour before too. I did take her for a walk before I left today and can’t imagine what I will find when I go home. I don’t understand how she can sleep all night 8-9 hours and goes in just one hour. I think I made a mistake, I don’t have the time, nor the patience to train her. I have crated her (4-5 hours) and she has gone in the crate, even for a shorter period she has gone in the crate. I was surprised too. She is so sweet, loves the cats, likes to sleep at night in the bed with me (when I let her) and seems to want to listen, but I am out of the house a lot and am not used to having a dog who cannot hold it for 4-5 hours. She doesn’t have crystals or stones, no UTI and no bladder issues or tumors. I am ready to return her to the rescue group and admit “I made a mistake.” I also travel and feel it won’t be fair to her. My senior dog died in May 2019 and I didn’t have this big an issue with her. She did occasionally pee in the house but not as often as this one. This is my 6th rescue dog so it isn’t as though I have never had a dog!!! Not like her!!! Sorry to ramble.

  82. Mariana says

    The first thing I did when reading this post for only a moment was laugh. It’s day 3 for us and I’m googling like crazy for reassurance. This page popped up and I did, I had laughed out loud. I’m still wracked with anxiety and worry. I know it’s only momentary. I’m a pitbull kinda girl (have rescued, fostered, foster-failed to adopt pibbles). Our dog of 12 yrs passed away a month ago and it left me shattered. She was my ESA and only friend. Jumped right into fostering a special needs dog that’s was about to be euthanized at a high kill shelter. The rescue group was desperate for an immediate foster and I am weak. It was a terrible match but we soldiered on for 2 wks until his wounds had healed (hit by car). We started casually looking for a rescue dog. Didn’t care what breed, if we found one in a week or a month or longer. Just wanted to send it out to the universe (God in my world) that the ‘right’ dog would find us. She did. Almost immediately. Did I mention I’m a bully lover? Well, our new furkid is not that. She weighs in at 4.5 lbs soaking wet and is a breed that (I’m ashamed to say) I’m not a fan of….at all! You probably guessed it: a chihuahua. She is 100% the right dog for us as I believe the situation was Divinely guided and we love her. Sweet, scared, submissive, nervous, carpet piddling, bounced around in 4 homes in her short 6 yrs. She was so shut down and is blossoming into a silly, loving, slightly alien-esque, clingy, cute and affectionate little dog. But OMG(!!!!) what have I done!! Then I read this post and am drawing in every single word of it. I am not alone, I am not alone, I am not alone. It will pass. I will now curl up in the fetal position (just like our new fur baby) and pray for time to do it’s thing with my wonky emotions. She’s a keeper for sure and your words give me hope that we will all be okay. It’s just the ‘new mom’ jitters and I survived those with the human kid! 😂

  83. J says

    This is post has been so wonderful to read. I have a 2 yr old pittie mix that i got from a rescue at 7 months old. She is sweet but so active. Wonderful in the house but believes everyone and anything is a friend. In Jan, we took her to the dog park (something we regularly do) and as we entered she greeted a small dog. The smaller dog did a slight snap and my dog ended up biting this little guy. Luckily the other owner quickly grabbed my dog but i felt horrible. No blood, no cuts, but immense fear rose up for me. She had never reacted to another dog, let alone bite another dog. I promptly left the dog park in fear that she may again bite another dog. We haven’t been back since (I don’t think we ever will, trainers and vets have long told me that dog parks are not great places).

    We’ve enrolled in several training classes: one of dog sports and another focused on fly ball. She is a great dog. So easy to train. But i have so much anxiety about she getting out and attacking another dog. I can logic my way through this by saying things like “it was a dog fight and she didn’t hurt the other dog, thats good at least”, “if she gets out, you will be able to manage her”. But i still feel out of control. I feel as thought i lost trust in my dog that i so dearly wanted to be “easy”.

    I continue to remind myself that no dog is truly “easy”. They always come with personality and quirks, something that we as humans actually want. I’ve thought about returning her to the rescue, but feel fear of what others may think and how this would affect her. And I truly do love her. She is my dog (something I’ve always wanted to say).

    I volunteer with a rescue and I am often discouraged about how other volunteers respond to “returns”. Making statements about “dogs being a life commitment” and how upsetting it is for the animal to go through this. While understandable, I don’t agree with this. Sometimes its not the right fit. Sometimes people try all they can and they are just unable to continue having this dog. Sometimes you need to put yourself first before the animal. It is post like these that make me feel less “horrible” about the way i sometimes think of my dog. While she is so unconditionally loving towards me, it does not mean that i cannot be hurt or feel a range of emotions about her.

    I hope anyone reading this post knows that it’s ok to return a pet, its ok to feel discourage, horrible, fearful, and upset about your pet, its ok to consider alternative options for your pet that may not include you, and its ok to put yourself first in dog ownership.

  84. Trisha says

    To J: Such wise words, and such a lucky dog to have you. I love your accepting who she is and that you have had times of being discouraged. From my perspective, it sounds like she has a fantastic life with you, just not a perfect one. I think you are wise to keep her out of dog parks, but perhaps, one day, you might find a dog that she does do well with. But for now, she has a wonderful life with you, because you seem to be managing her so well. Hopefully your anxiety level will go down as time goes on and you find that management is working. But yes yes yes, on acknowledging your feelings and not trying to pretend they aren’t there.

  85. Mia says

    Yesterday I brought home a 2yrs old husky and I have regrets already, I have so much anxiety and I don’t know why, she’s a lovely dog, friendly loving, but the probelm is she constantly wants to be with me and follow me around. I feel so guilty saying this. And today we tried to introduce her to one of our cats and let’s just said it went badly ( the cat running away and the dog chasing it round the garden poor thing) I ended up with many many scratches.

  86. Trisha says

    To Mia and her one day old new dog (well, one day to her): You’re in good company! Karen London and I wrote Love Has No Age Limit, about bringing a new dog into your home, because we too were pretty much wrecks when we got new dogs. (https://www.patriciamcconnell.com/store/Love-Has-No-Age-Limit.html). Most importantly: Breathe! Find your village–great dog trainer? Super knowledgeable friend? Even just to talk on the phone. Breath more. Things change hugely after 3 weeks, hang in there. Prevent chasing cats all you can; that’ll be a longer term challenge but very possibly fixable. Manage for now. Breathe. Hang in there!

  87. Gabby says

    I’m so happy I came across this blog. I’ve always been an animal person and always had pets growing up. Around 2 years ago my boyfriend and I adopted a 5 y/o Pitt that was found abandoned in a junk yard for some time. I’ve never had a Pitt before, especially one that had some baggage, but I thought I was up for it. Turns out I wasn’t. The first night with him was great, but at the time we lived in an apartment and constantly had to take him for walks, often times passing by other tenants. He started showing some aggressive behavior and an overwhelming sense of dread overcame me. I didn’t want to let this dog down but I felt like a failure. Crying almost every day, I just couldn’t deal with the anxiety anymore. We made the decision to bring him back. Sadly, several months later we learned that he had developed severe prostate cancer and had to be euthanized.

    Fast forward to now, my boyfriend and I have moved into our first house with a yard and decided to try adopting another furry friend. This time we decided on a 1 y/o cattle dog mix. She’s gorgeous, affectionate and super playful but again the “rescue regrets” came flooding back on day 2. I know this is a different situation and I’m determined to see this through. With consistency and patience I’m hopeful for a lot of fun years with Rosie, and reading this blog and all of the comments have helped make me feel less alone.

  89. Nicole says

    I’m grateful that I came across this post, but at the same time, it’s making me feel super guilty still because I want to give up.

    My significant other and I have lived together for 5 years. I brought a cat to the relationship who is now nearly 15. Then in 2017 we adopted a 1 year old lab mix who definitely has a few (relatively minor) issues, but is a great dog overall. We moved into a house last year and wanted to get our pup a friend, as he constantly wants to play with the cat and she just isn’t having it.

    Originally I wanted to adopt an older puppy or a young adult dog because I didn’t have the time to train a puppy. Fast forward to COVID-19 and we have a lot of time at home. So yesterday we brought home a 13 week old puppy.

    I have not stopped crying. I’m a wreck and for no good reason. My s/o can’t ask me a question (about anything) without me breaking down. The puppy is overall well behaved and seems to be quite smart. I’ve been trying to work on some basic commands with her, with the help of our other pup and she’s very receptive.

    I don’t know if I just bit off more than I can chew with adopting a puppy, but I’m downright miserable. The cat isn’t happy, but we expected that. But now I’m wondering if I’m going to send her into an early grave because of the added stress. Our other pup is very sensitive, so when correcting the puppy, he will go into a corner and cower or upstairs because he thinks he’s being reprimanded. I’ve disturbed our household dynamics and feel insanely guilty about it.

    I’m also one of those people who has always felt that a pet becomes family and you don’t just give them up. But now here I am contemplating just that and hating myself even more. I don’t want to give up, but at the same time I don’t want to wait and miss out on her getting a good home now. I’m a mess…

  90. Sunny Sally says

    I have had bad experiences with rescue animals, both cats & dogs.

    Cats:
    Undiagnosed issue, then ended up costing quite a bit. Cat died a few months after I bought him.

    Dogs:
    First dog – foster home willfully neglected to mention that the dog ‘will attack cats’. It was actually written right in the Vet. medical records. Unfortunately we didn’t thoroughly read the medical records prior to adopting the dog. Yet, it must be stressed, that the foster home knew we had cats, yet didn’t mention that he ‘will attack cats’, as written in the medical records.
    That is absolutely underhanded and that particular foster home should have been shut down and publicly shamed.
    We trained him to tolerate cats – nevertheless, we likely wouldn’t have adopted him, had this information been divulged at the time.

    Second dog – was not potty trained at all and would urinate and poop on the floor (on or off the pee pads). She received plenty of walks (3x / day), yet apparently would just go in the middle of the night anyway. We were not informed of this problem at all. She also hated going for walks, on a leash.
    It may not have been a problem with the foster home, whom lived in a house with a large, easily accessible backyard. We were in an apartment. Dog returned ~ 2 weeks – complete loss of $

    Third dog – too many issues to detail. Was not informed of them all at the time. Dog returned within a short time back to foster home. The issues were not livable/adaptable.

    ————————-
    Personally, I would never adopt from a rescue agency again. There’s too many issues at play, including willfully neglecting to divulge certain information, as well as downplaying other issues that turned out to be quite large issues.

    It’s too much of a gamble. I’d rather spend the big bucks and potentially have a higher chance of getting a fairly healthy animal from a reputable breeder. That healthy animal will presumably be healthy for a long time, before experiencing the typical older cat/dog medical conditions.

    I’m sure there are good places out there, or we’ve just had really bad luck.

  91. Trisha says

    Sorry about all your bad luck with a rescue Sunny Sally, sounds like you have had tough luck all around. Many stories are much happier I’m glad to say. A good reminder of how important it is to be crystal clear about what environment a dog will be moving into (and that dogs may do X in one place, and Y in another).

  92. Bon says

    Nicole
    Thank you for your post it has really resonated with me. I literally could have written all of it myself minus the cat. I have been reading a few blogs about what I am going through and it is so comforting to not feel alone in my struggle with adjusting and accepting it may not work out. I have had my bc female pup for 2 weeks so she is about 16 weeks now. I love her but am extremely anxious about her playing too rough with my 6lb Morkie who she constantly badgers. They do play but most times the morkie is annoyed and growling. She is also always at my feet and I need to have time to myself. I feel like the exercise and maintenance she needs is more than I can give her without me being stressed and worried I am not doing enough. I am really torn because I don’t want to give her up because one day she will be an amazing adult dog but I am thinking we may not be the right fit at this time. I am going to take the advice of other posters to make some adjustments and give it another week. Thankfully I now have the strength to forgive myself for a possible poor choice and that my first dog and sanity have to come before my issues with rehoming.

  93. Trisha says

    Bon, forgiving yourself is absolutely step one! Giving it another week or two is step two. Hang in there. You don’t have to decide today, and if taking her back is best for her and you, well then, it’s a huge success. The fosters know more about what the dog needs, and you know more about what you need. I tried out two dogs before I kept Skip! Granted, they both had wonderful homes to go back to, but still… It was hard. And it was absolutely 100% the best thing I could have done.

  94. Melanie says

    Wow. This certainly is my life right now. We lost our 14 year old GSD to canine degenerative myelopathy on Xmas Day. The last year of her life was very intense and I dont begrudge a minute but I also felt that I needed a break from the intensity and to recover from her loss. In early March, my husband started to push for another dog. We live in Northern WI and went to see a rescue dog in foster after talking to the rescue extensively. He is approx 1 yr old GSD poss husky. poss belgian mallinois mix. We were told he was a pretty mellow dog that did very well on walks and could even be let off leash. He was said to be happy with two 30 min walks/day. He was very nervous and excitable the day we met him but we decided to go for it because the foster said he was generally a laid back dog. The first month with this dog was insane. He would not settle and constantly chased from window to window. He was very reluctant to make any eye contact. We covered the windows but my husband works from home and has difficulty dealing with the lack of light. We got a front lead harness but itdid little to stop his pulling when he sees a squirrel or a deer. His prey drive is through the roof and it hard to deal with in the north woods where we have nothing hut squirrels and deer. The window drive has improved but walks are still challenging I did a full face plant one day due to a badly timed deer and tree root coinciding. We are getting a different harness (joyrider) and have started classes which were delayed due to COVID. I try so hard to be patient but while he is becoming more affectionate, everything is still very much about the squirrels and deer. I feel like a horrible person because part of me resents the amount of time and energy he is taking and the somewhat minimal affection that is being returned. We are going on 2 monthd and in so many ways he is a great dog. I can trim his nails without a fuss. He dies often like to sit in lap. We live to camp and hike and this dog gets 2 plus hrs of outside time a day thatcan often be a constant fight. We havent gotten to take him camping yet due to weather/COVID but I am worried that my escape get away timein the woods is going to turn into nothing but time spent controlling the dog. We work on “watch me”. constantly but I can hold a huge hunk of ham in his face and be haspyand if there is a squirrel, I just dont exist. I want to love this dog but mostly I am just stressed out. He has made progress in a lot of ways but I just worry that he needs less stimulation in his environment and maybe a place to run despite long walks. (we have no fenced area). Sorry this is so long. I feel like a failure for being so frustrated.

  95. Juliana says

    Hi Trisha,
    I found your website today and am really glad to find some more resources. We adopted Sita, 10months old, 3 weeks ago.
    I don’t have regrets, at least not serious ones. We have a big issue with her barking at night though and inside in general.
    She gets tons of love and time since we have it tight now. Gets to ho outside at least 2-3x a day – usually more. She gets long hikes too which she loves. We are also training her and she responds well.
    But every other or 3rd time she hears people coming into the house she alert barks. She also barks at 1am in the crate. And again at about 5am. Wants attention I suppose or hears something.
    We can’t have her in the bedroom as I’m a little allergic, which is all good as long as she’s not in bed.
    I some how have a gut feeling that your approach is great.
    There is so much info out there, different options and advice. Can be a bit confusing.
    What do you think?
    Regards,
    Juliana from Berlin 😊🙏

  96. Juliana says

    I should have added. Sita is a mixed breed from Romania. She was already found with her siblings at age 6wks. She’s had a good life so far at a private shelter with a nice mum. Running around with other dogs and her siblings all day. There has been no issues with her. Also here she us integrating well and fast. You can take her on your lap and she chills there with cuddles and loves it….

  97. Kathy says

    I am so glad to have found this page. I am having just a terrible time.

    My 13 year old daughter has always wanted a dog. I am a cat person (we have 2) and have really never liked dogs (bad experiences as a child). My husband grew up with dogs, but they were for hunting and not trained as pets.

    My daughter has been so sad since COVID and so I decided that she could get a dog since she asked AGAIN. We went through a ton of rescues to finally get a dog – 8 week old Texas heeler the first week of June. She actually is a sweetie but …

    My daughter had NO idea how much work a puppy is. We already had ZOOM training with click and treat, we have crate trained her, she is housebroken, but she wants to chase the cats, chew the furniture and she still bites and mouths.

    The problem is my daughter is completely turned off. She actually admitted she thought a dog would just be good and a couch potato like the cats. She misses the cat only house.

    As a heeler, the puppy NEEDS exercise. We are already at 4 walks and a bike ride a day and training on top of training. But she has to be watched, she eats mulch and everything in the ground, etc. She’s a puppy, I get that.

    I think WE are the wrong family. I like cats, I don’t personally want a dog. My daughter is totally disillusioned and unhappy now more than prior to the dog. My husband has a chronic Gulf War illness so he really can’t help. And I am working from home 50 hours a week.

    I am absolutely in tears as I know the right thing for all of us is for the dog to go to a family that absolutely cherished her and she is a sweet girl, but my worse fear is she goes somewhere and is mistreated. And it’s my fault. We would need to surrender her to the rescue and they would find her a home but I feel so guilty. And I would worry about her. She’s just a baby. But I am miserable with her as basically I am the only one taking care of her and I just can’t keep it up. The whole family needs to chip in and it just isn’t working.

    I have no idea what to do. Right now she does go to some daycare, but not everyday (really that shouldn’t be how a pet is part of a family anyway should it?). Although she is better in days she goes since she plays a ton. I just think she needs to be on a farm or with an older dog to play with, and little kids who just want to pile on her and love. And I can’t do that alone. I am just in tears.

  98. Kathy says

    Update: We have made the decision to return our sweet girl to the rescue. The rescue organization was very understanding and said sometimes it just doesn’t work. They are committed to finding her a good home and that is all that matters. We want our sweet girl with a family that wants her and loves her the way she deserves and even though I do love her, I can’t do that. Sometimes the right choices are hard.

  99. Trisha says

    To Kathy: Huzzah and cheers to you for making absolutely a good decision! I know it was hard, really really hard, but also so very wise given what you described. Thank you so much for the update, and please feel proud about doing the right thing.

  100. Caroline says

    Hi Trisha,

    Thank you so much for your site and for this comment thread. I am a single 26yo who adopted a 7mo puppy at the end of March. I’ve wanted a dog for as long as I can remember—listened to radio shows about pets, paged through dog books, the whole thing. My parents never caved and so, while I always thought I would wait until I had a partner to get a dog, the partner has not materialized yet and COVID happened and I thought there would never be a “perfect” time to do it so I should just go for it. Many of my friends have dogs, I talked to them, thought I did my research and felt prepared.

    The first three months were really wonderful, I was so enamored with my pup. But I don’t think I did a very good job setting a good routine for her, she’s developed bad separation anxiety and barks the entire time when I leave my apartment. She also still has accidents inside although I was told she was potty trained when I got her and have tried to do a good job reinforcing it. Since it’s just me this is very stressful because I feel like I cannot go anywhere. I’ve also recently lost my job due to COVID and while I can afford her expenses now, I worry about the longterm. I love her so much but she is causing me so much stress and anxiety I’m having a hard time functioning. I can’t stop googling “rehoming a dog” but the thought of giving her up makes me want to cry. My parents have offered to take her, but I don’t want to burden them with this responsibility, especially because they didn’t really want a dog in the first place.

    I feel so scared and confused. I don’t want to give her up but I also am not sure I can care for her adequately on my own. I knew dogs were a big responsibility and a lot of work, and I thought I was ready but now I’m really unsure and I feel really stupid for trying.

    I see a lot of people having regret in the first days or weeks, but it seems like it is less common after a few months?

    Any words of wisdom or comfort you have to offer would be greatly appreciated.

  101. Trisha says

    Oh oh oh, Caroline, you poor thing. Sep Anxiety is a rotten thing to deal with, no way around it. However, it is almost always treatable, and your life with get much much better soon. The bad news is that it takes energy and organization to treat, but the good news is that you are home and can do it! It’s not wise of me to try to summarize an entire booklet, but please get a copy of my “I’ll Be Home Soon Booklet” and follow it. (www.patriciamcconnell.com, or of course, amazon) Basics are simple, counter condition your dog to feel good when you leave the house, but success is in the details. And oh yes yes yes, regrets after months? Absolutely, you are in a big club! Hang in there. Re the potty training, need more details, but if she goes when you’re gone, it’s probably Sep Anxiety. If when your home, she’s just not trained yet, and it is very common for adolescents to have regressions. Just go back to treating her as if she was a puppy–outside often, food treats immediately after she goes, never punish an accident… All paws crossed for you!

  102. LNG says

    Found this page the same way many of you did. I just got a puppy from a rescue about 10 days ago. She’s about 15 weeks they think and she’s honestly the sweetest dog ever. I just didn’t think it through. I’m single and so it all falls on me and it’s more than I realized, however that is not why I am considering returning her to the rescue. I have 2 cats, one who is 9 and one is 1. They were my first babies and having this puppy here is kind of ruining everything with them. They are miserable and the pup wants to chase them constantly. Even when the pup is in her create they no longer want to sleep on my bed and they generally are both just so upset. I love this dog but I also love my cats and I am feeling so much regret getting the dog right now. She is a specialty pup and she is missing a paw and I feel so worried if I did rehome that she wouldn’t have a family that would want to deal with her missing a paw. I’m so stressed and anxious about this and also really embarrassed because everyone knows I got a dog. I’m about to spend lots of money to send her to a board and train program but the flip side is that I am wonder if I should just take her back to the rescue before I do that and let her find a new family who will train her their way. She really is so sweet and amazing and I love her but I just can’t deal with my cats being this distant and upset and she really just wants to chase the small cat constantly.

  103. Melissa McCue -McGrath says

    Hi, LNG!

    There is no shame in returning a dog to a rescue group if it’s not the right fit – especially if the rescue can use the information from you about the personality of the puppy in the home.

    Plenty of people would happily take a tri-pawd pup and it sounds like she’s a gem of a dog – and if it’s not the right fit, it’s not the right fit. I know Trisha has talked about it here, and I had 3 dogs in my home before finding the right match for us. It’s not easy, but you’re not alone in making this choice, whichever way you go.

    If you do decide to keep your pup and send to a board and train, make sure it’s not a punitive based one, especially with puppies. If you can find a positive reinforcement based program in your area for board and train, or even a quality positive reinforcement based puppy day-school where your puppy stays with you at night but goes to school during the day, it might work out!

    See what all your options are first, and you have support cheering you on.

    So many of us know how hard it can be – many of my students are afraid to tell people they had to give up on a mismatch puppy because it wasn’t a good fit for so many reasons, and that anxiety is real, and valid. Cats are people, too, and if you’re seeing a glimpse of life that is unfair to them right now, then you do have options – several, and you will find the right one for you, the kitties, and the pup in your life.

    Good luck –
    Melissa

  104. Hannah says

    Oh this is so timely. I just adopted a 1 year old cat, after much research. He’s perfect — snuggling, litter trained, doesn’t shed much, very adaptable, listens and learns when I tell him something (like don’t jump in me when I’m sleeping). Everything is so perfect.

    Day one after picking him up I cried non-stop, panic attacks and anxiety. I didn’t eat for two days. Still crying on and off on day five now. He’s perfect and lovely and I want to make this work. I feel like we are getting to know one another and adjusting but the anxiety just won’t go away. My heart pounds and my stomach is in knots still! I love him so much, and I thought I was Ready but. Maybe I’m not.

  105. Jess says

    I’m struggling. About a month ago, we adopted a 6 month old retriever. We have two senior cats and they are are really struggling. The dog does better with the more social cat, but still chases him as soon as he moves. They stare at each other and antagonize each other from their “separate areas,” but when the one cat does come around into the dog’s space, he’s hissing and growling the entire time. The other cat is too afraid to be anywhere near the dog and will peak around the corner from the “safe space” on rare occasions, but the dog barks meanly compared to playfully with the social cat. I feel like I ruined the cats lives because I had grown up a dog person and desperately wanted a dog for our kids.

    The dog is very well behaved for 6 months aside from some general puppy behavior, which was a bit of a reality check because it’s still more than I had remembered/expected. It just feels terribly unfair to keep our home divided and the cats confined to a small area.

  106. Kathy says

    Update: We returned our puppy to the rescue, they were very understanding. And they had a new Mom for our puppy before we even returned her. She went straight from our arms to her new Mom. And she has a dog sister, and 3 human brothers. Her new Mom had lost 2 labs to a house fire and recently lost her mother. Her new Mom felt Panda was “sent” to her. She would have never found her if Panda hadn’t spent 2 months with us. I am still missing her as I am sorry we weren’t a good fit, but it all worked out and everyone is safe and happy – my daughter is relieved, my cats happy and so is Panda.

  107. Trisha says

    Kathy: You were the window to Panda’s best life. You should be very proud–you took in Panda, discovered that you and Panda were not a good fit, figured out what Panda needed and helped her get it. Greater love hath no woman.

  108. Kristin says

    I’m on Day 3. I’m having a shit of a time. I have a 4 y/o Papillon, Ivy, who is the absolute light of my life. My fiancé and I overcame some struggles when introducing him to her, but we’ve all been in a really good place for about the last year. Praise. Ivy loves visiting my parents house, where they have two dogs of their own (same breed), so for about the last year I’ve contemplated getting Ivy her own sibling, so she could have a partner in crime. Well, that partner in crime is here and I’m just not so sure. I got her from a breeder — she’s about 10 months old. She’s overall really well behaved and lovable. She’s quirky and fun, and Ivy gets along with her great. She is just what we thought we needed. But here I am, on Day 3, crying in bed. This sweet thing is curled up next to me and Ivy is at my feet, but I can’t seem to love the new girl. I fear that I won’t be able to give all of my love to Ivy, I fear that I’ve just disturbed the peace in our household, I fear that our lives have forever changed and I won’t be able to just hop in the car and bring both dogs with us wherever we go. Having Ivy as an only dog child was the easiest thing in the world. I know dogs are work — I’ve dealt with the learning curve of a new dog many times before — but I just don’t know if I made the right decision. I haven’t even named the new girl yet because I just don’t feel as connected to her as my first dog. I’m so scared that I’m going to be out $1300 and that I just spiraled our lives into major imbalance. I don’t know what to do! My parents have offered to take her, but after much thought and convincing my fiancé to do this, and after announcing the addition to friends and family, I would feel so stupid for “giving up” that easily. But I feel like our lives were perfect before with one dog. 🙁

  109. Trisha says

    Kristin, oh Kristin, hang in there. The only thing you have to fear is fear itself. You have a quirky, fun, well-behaved new dog who gets along with your beloved Ivy. You aren’t that connected with her yet because you’ve only had her a few days, and you’re overwhelmed with fear that you’ve done the wrong thing. But you haven’t. You’ve done a wonderful thing. If it doesn’t work out, it’s because it wasn’t the right time or the right match, but then your parents will take her and all will be well. There’s nothing stupid about making a good choice for her and for you. Take a breath, and repeat my mantra that I say every day: I trust I will be able to handle what happens. No matter what it is. And all your options are good ones. All you need to do is decide that you don’t have to do anything now. If she’s not right for you you’ll know in three weeks, or three months. But not now. Sending you a hug, because it’s okay. You’re okay.

  110. Megan says

    I’m so glad I found this post as I am currently going through it. I read almost every single comment, and didn’t find one that resonated exactly with my situation. I’m a 21F in college who just recently adopted a kitten after a perfect situation arose for adoption (completely free w vaccines and spayed). I’ve been wanting a cat for a long time, and figured COVID would be perfect as I’d be home all the time, able to watch him, and bond. My mental health has also been horrible during COVID, so I figured getting this kitten would also double as an ESA! Perfect! Except…I have felt sick since the instant I brought him home. I love this little man, he’s the PERFECT kitten. Chill, cuddly, and smart, he’s everything I wanted. However, I can’t stop worrying. I’m stressed about how fair it is to make him deal with the uncertainty of my future (still in college remember) and stressed that I’ll no longer be able to travel, socialize, or go out on a whim. I value travel and freedom heavily, and I knew how much of a responsibility he would be when I got him (I did SO much research) but now that all that research is a reality, I’m petrified. I’ve had him for just over a week and only have a few more days to decide whether or not I should rehome him. I’m terrified my mental health will get worse once he’s gone, but I’m terrified of the commitment he brings and of the possibility that my anxiety may never fade. I don’t know what to do, and would love some advice as I need it. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep properly in days, and I’m exhausted. I understand that he’s my first ever responsibility as an adult, but I wonder if I’m too young and potentially setting him up to be rehomed in a few years when I have to move or want to move far away. I’m also worried about being alone though, as I love his company. I don’t know what to do. I’m so conflicted, lost, and alone.

  111. Trisha says

    Oh oh oh Megan, I wish I could give you a hug right now. And a referral to a great therapist who could help you with your anxiety… like many it is no doubt so much worse cuz of Covid. What I can say is that all the things you being up… rehoming, your desire to travel, are nit deal breakers. Plenty of cats have happily rehomed, including one of my own when my allergies worsened. Almost all, of us with pets travel, socialize, etc. without problem. It just takes a bit of organizing but it’s worth it to most of us. You say that none of the comments resonate exactly, but I’d say the opposite. You are experiencing an especially intense version of “what have I done?” Syndrome. Can you decide that for the next few days you’ll do all you can to just enjoy this perfect kitten? Wishing you some peace and joy for today.

  112. Natalie Lincoln says

    Hello, I have come across this thread in desperation – ON DAY THREE! My partner and I have loved and looked after two large dogs previously. Our first boy was a confident, stong, robust Golden Retriever X Boxer. He lived with us for 14 years and had a wonderful life of adventures. No issues whatsoever. Our second boy was an Old English Sheepdog X GSD. He was a loving and super friendly boy by nature, but quite nervous. He was anxious and had phobias related to car travel and noises. He was also a poorly boy. When he was 1, we discovered he had hip dysplasia. That made life difficult because we had to limit the amount of exercise he could have. When he was 3 we found out he had a localised tumor in his leg – low grade but aggressive. After serious consideration, we agreed to proceed with amputation. He recovered really well from his op, and lived a great life for the year that followed ( I’m so grateful for that), but he died of primary lung cancer (seemingly unrelated to the leg tumour!) at 4. My partner and I struggled with this second dog initially, it was hard for him living in London – he was definitely more suited to rural living. But we did our best to train and walk him morning and night, giving him lots and lots of love around the clock. When he passed away, we were so incredibly sad – it’s take a long time to feel ready to have another dog. ANYWAY, to cut to the chase, it’s been over 4 years since his death, and we have just taken on our first rescue dog. He is an Irish wolfhound X (with possibly Great Dane or Bull Arab) called Sammy. He is 9 months. He was surrendered by his original family at 6 months with a severe case of Parvovirus. A vet clinic nursed him back to health, but it took 4 long weeks. As a consequence, he now has a very sensitive stomach. He’s on a really basic hypoallergenic diet which we’re told he might need to be on forever. Following his recovery from the virus, two other families tried to rescue him but brought him back to the vet clinic – one after 9 weeks of trying. Apparently behavioural trainers were brought in to help but he wouldn’t even let one through the door, he became so protective and scared I guess. The clinic told us they don’t think his original family abused him, but that he lived a life solely in the yard with the other yard dogs, his family. It doesn’t seem like he had any socialisation with people. So everything is new to him. Including living in a house and cohabitating with people. Also, because he is so scared of people generally, the vet put him on anti anxiety medication. He has had to come off these meds however as it was causing him to have an upset stomach. When we read his story, we thought we had to save him. We stupidly (?) thought we could! That we were experienced (?) enough. But I am feeling at a loss today. Our drive home from the vet clinic went really well (despite it being a 5 hour journey). I bonded with him quickly.He continued to be wary of my partner, but that seemed to improve yesterday (they were cuddling on the sofa by nightfall). I don’t know whether it has something to do with the changed dynamic with him, or if he is just starting to come out of his shell, but today he seems to be turning on me. The best way I can describe it is that he is being a bit of a bully, acting up as soon as I give him attention, or if I don’t tolerate bad behaviour. He seems to push bad behaviour onto me. This was not happening to the same degree the first two days. Today started with a walk around the garden. He takes it slowly and I was letting him direct everything as I was trying to avoid a negative situation of him pulling backwards or resisting my lead. Then towards the end of the walk he got a bit wild and wanted to run around. He was jumping on me and biting me – running back and forth past me in short sprints with lots of yanking, resisting and jumping. He pulls back on the lead and/or stands still in addition to biting me or the lead, so it is very hard to distract him with momentum, changing direction or suggesting he looks at “something over here”. Plus his state is heightened and he doesn’t listen. I’m so scared he will slip his collar and jump the fence or something in this state. I ended the walk by forcibly bringing him inside. Lifting him up so only his two back legs were on the ground. I had to drag him into the house this way so it wasn’t a positive end to the walk. I am covered in little nips and bruises on my hands and arms. And looking forward to my husband coming home from work! I’m now too scared to walk him because I don’t want another bad walk. Today he has been in and out of the crate. I let him out for a sniff around, drink and play (and inside toilet on training pads if needed), and then the play escalates to him chewing something he shouldn’t be and then biting and jumping up on me when I tell him no. Then I send him back into his crate. I feel at a loss – it’s timeout after timeout. I don’t know that I did anything wrong to cause this changed behaviour today. I can’t tell if he is dominating me or not. I am trying to only be positive and show him love. If I say no assertively he seems to respond with more unruliness. So I have been trying to distract and keep the tempo down. Like I said, day 1 and day 2 were very different and way more calm. But perhaps that was when he needed me more than he does now. I don’t know what is going on and I”m feeling worried we have made a huge mistake. Perhaps the only way he knows how to be is what he learnt with his dog family. He does seem to allogroom me in addition to mouthing and nipping. My partner thinks he should take him for a big walk tomorrow morning before he leaves for work, down our street. I am a little frightened it could be too much too soon and might result in a bad fear incident. But then again perhaps he needs exercise and he is pent up. He is sleeping a lot. I’ve been nervous about going outside the house perimteter until the bond is stronger because where we live now there is livestock around. I am really annoyed with myself that we didn’t wait until our fences had been fixed (made higher with gaps closed up) before adopting. It was when we read his story that we thought we couldn’t wait. “Saving” him was more important than being set up perfectly. Perhaps we’re not the right fit for him and vice versa. One thing we do know is that apparently he loves other dogs. If there’s any initial thoughts you could give me I would be most grateful. I don’t know how I am going to survive the next two days. Thankfully my partner has a few days off over Christmas. Just hope nothing happens to his relationship with Sammy, because then we will be really really stuck! We can’t give him a bone or hide chew due to his stomach sensitivity. I imagine that would really help him at times. He does have some tough Kong toys he chews. But he does tire of them a bit. Also on the subject of treats, he has ben pretty good at doing things for reward. But he only knows a few commands. But anyway today it changes a little bit. He knew I had treats in my hand and instead of doing what I asked to get the treat, he just tried to get the treats out of my hand – forcibly. Argh!

  113. Trisha says

    Natalie, so sorry you’re going through this. I would talk to the group you got him from asap, or find a trainer to come in right away and do an assessment. Based on what you describe, his early development and his being returned several times, I’m not sure that the group should have adopted him out before they’d done more work with him. There are lots of ways to help dogs who are high energy and perhaps a bit frustrated (frozen Kongs stuffed with their soaked kibble, interactive toys, teaching tricks that take mental energy, some handling devices that give you more control), but given what you write I’m not sure he is the right dog for anyone who isn’t highly trained in ‘special needs’ dogs. Sorry I have no magic pill, but see what you can do to gather together resource to help you, and keep us posted.

  114. Robyn says

    Hello, I am so glad I have come across this forum. It is very comforting to find a group of people who have felt the same way I do. After over a year of looking for the perfect dog I have rescued a 2yo cross breed from another foster home. We are only 3 weeks in and it has been so much more difficult than I ever imagined. She appears to be suffering with separation anxiety. Which in turn is giving myself a huge amount of anxiety and I feel so guilty about her being so stressed when on her own. After 2 weeks we finally thought we cracked it by letting her sleep on the sofa. She now sleeps all night and isn’t bothered too much about coming upstairs. We now are having issue with us leaving her in the day. I feel awful as I really want her to be happy whilst we are out. I watch her on the camera and my anxiety increases the more unsettled she is. It’s only short amounts of time we are leaving her, up to an hour. I am so worried that we are eventually both going to be back at work (due to my shifts this will only be around 9 days a month). I am so worried that this issue is above my capability. I am also worried my partner will resent the dog and then myself due to my anxiety, although he is very supportive and promises this won’t happen. All her other training is coming along well and I have plenty of time for numerous walks. I have had a dog for years previously and I am a veterinary nurse so not a novice when it comes to dogs. I am so worried that it will end up with us having to rehome her to someone who can do this but I don’t want this! I am battling with myself everyday!

  115. Trisha says

    Robyn, oh Robyn. Wish I could be there in person to help you take a breath and take it one day, or better yet, one hour, at a time. It sounds like soooo much is going well, yes? And your partner is being supportive and promises you he won’t resent anything about the dog? It’s only 3 weeks in and you’ve already gotten so much accomplished. If it makes you anxious to watch her when you’re gone, don’t. I’d make your times away shorter, since it sounds like you can, so that you come back before she starts to work herself up. An hour isn’t actually short if you’re anxious (right?), so make it 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15, and come back while she is still comfortable. Enlist help too! Find a trainer, friend with good experience, you’re not in this alone. And, if worst comes to worst, and you decided to rehome her, it’ll be painful, but bearable. Maybe more so than worrying every moment? Hang in there!

  116. Leslie says

    Trisha – Thank you so much for your original blog and a particular thank you for so many of your empathetic responses to all the posts here. It has really helped me deal with what I am going through right now.
    Sorry, this is a long one, but I wanted to share my story.
    Three days ago, (my sad “3”) we waved goodbye to our 14-month-old Pit/Lab/Shepherd who was headed back to the great rescue we adopted him from as a 14-week old puppy. I knew it was coming, but no amount of bracing for its inevitability prepared me for what I would feel – I was devastated. It’s all pretty raw still, and I’m sad and have tremendous guilt. My beloved boy climbed into that stranger’s truck with no idea what was awaiting him. He did his best, tried his hardest and I let him down in the end. I am so sorry my sweet boy.
    This is particularly hard for me since I have worked in dog rescue for several years and know how hard it is for dogs to be surrendered. My guilt is double.
    A year ago, in early 2020, I started looking for another dog that could join our family and our two other dogs. My eldest dog was 9 years old and has pretty advanced arthritis so her camping and hiking days are limited. I wanted a puppy because our middle girl dog is not fond of other dogs, so I figured I could work with her and the new puppy to very slowly introduce them and gain acceptance through management and tons of positive training. My puppy was wonderful and was so patient and accepting of our reactive dog, but still it took 7 weeks for her to fully accept him.
    I was thrilled with our new pup and so grateful that he was a happy-go lucky patient boy who loved to play with our other dogs. He loved going to daycare and playing with all the other dogs – a staff favorite. I thought, “Hallelujah I don’t have another dog reactive dog! He’s going to get along great with other dogs, and I’ve dodged that bullet.” I thought we have found just the right dog to add to our family and how lucky we were. We would keep him forever.
    And then adolescence hit for my boy and his true personality came out.
    Around 9 months he became fearful around dogs he didn’t know and became aggressive if they got to close to him. I finally had to pull him out of daycare because he kept landing in timeout for attacking and pinning other dogs. He continued to get worse, and we began in earnest on desensitization/counter-conditioning training daily. He continued to grow and get bigger and stronger. We finally put him on medication in hopes that we could calm his brain enough for the behavior modification to be effective and it did help. By now the stress on the family, my constant anxiety, and the thought of dealing with a 70-lb. dog-reactive dog on hikes and camping trips for the next 10-15 years not to mention that we already had a reactive dog was too much particularly since we are in our early 60’s. We made the painful personal decision to return him.
    I will probably always wonder if I should have given him more time to learn to be less reactive towards other dogs and help him overcome his fears. I have poured so much time, training, hope and love into him, and I feel I have failed him. I pray they find a home for him that will give him the love and patience he craves so that he can become a confident dog. I will always love him and miss him.

  117. Erinn says

    Thank you so much for posting this. I read so many comments also, and they were so helpful!

    I rescued a dog 3 months ago, a first time dog owner, and while the rescue knew this, they didn’t prepare me for the breed I adopted- cattle dog mix… and I didn’t know enough about dogs to ask. I wanted a chill, easy, “starter dog” as some have put it. They knew I didn’t have a yard or experience.

    At first, she was so sweet, calm, seemed so gentle and just what I wanted. She did have separation anxiety from the get go, which worried me, but I figured it would go away with time and as she learned I would keep coming back. I left her alone for short periods of time to try and desensitize her.

    About 3-4 weeks in, it seemed that everyday a new issue popped up. She guarded a bone I gave her and was ready to attack me, she started barking at dogs and people on our walks/hikes, lunged at cars, bikes, skateboards, etc, she nipped at someone twice (ripped open a guys shorts who jogged past us), snapped at cars and threw herself at the window in the car (she had been a great car rider and then suddenly changed!), her separation anxiety seemed to get worse, and generally showed her very high energy. I was getting her 3+ hours of exercise bc otherwise she would be too bitey and rambunctious in my apartment. I did a board and train and it seemed to make things worse.

    I ended up giving her back to the rescue just a few days ago. I am a mixture of feeling like it was the right thing, as I was not prepared and to be honest, did not want to deal with all of those issues… and feeling like I gave up. She was really sweet sometimes and so smart, and had many things I loved about her. But for my sake, and her sake, I think she needed a different home than I could offer.
    Thanks for posting so I could read others stories, and while I still feel some guilt and shame, and wonder if I could have pushed through and come out the other side with a wonderful companion, this has helped me see that sometimes it’s also just not a match and I should trust that.

  118. Maria says

    Your article is helpful as we are going through a challenging time. Our beloved 14-year-old collie-terrier rescue died just 10 days ago. We didn’t realize how sick he was and before we realized this, we had made an appointment to meet a dog at a rescue where we had adopted our other dog. So, two days after our sweet old dog died, we were meeting a new dog, a malnourished dog who had just had puppies a few short months before. The dog was apparently kept on a farm with several other dogs and was only occasionally tossed morsels of food, and her front teeth are worn down, so I wonder if she was also tossed bones and not much else. She was friendly, and our 6-year-old beagle seemed to like her, so we brought her home. The rescue allowed us to have a trial period with the new dog.
    Now we are 8 days in with the new dog. She is friendly and playful, but our resident surviving dog doesn’t want to play. She growls at our beagle if the beagle gets too close to a Kong toy, and she makes our beagle cry when she’s too rough when trying to play, but otherwise they get along all right. She is house trained and crate trained, so we haven’t had an issue with that. She does want to destroy our kids stuffies and is now showing interest in tearing up books, and she also tries to counter-surf and table-surf (I am trying to teach her to “leave it” but she keeps coming back).
    My biggest concern right now is that we can’t provide the home for her that she really needs. She doesn’t have a canine playmate, and she must have anxiety or be bored, as she paces around the house a lot, and she goes to the window and barks at anything and everything, aggressively. Eventually she and our beagle wind up howling extensively after starting out with barking. The new dog not only loves to bark ferociously at the window, but she can’t wait to go outside and bark ferociously at whomever she sees by the fence. I try to redirect with “leave it”, but it feels like it’s a constant thing that I have to do. We have Kong toys and other toys she’s not interested in, but it’s really not nearly enough to keep her occupied. Unfortunately, she’s not interested in fetching. I work full time from home due to covid, and it’s very difficult to get my work done with this issue constantly going on since I have frequent phone and Zoom appointments, and this is disruptive to my work.
    We were going to just agree to foster her, but after she was posted one night on Petfinder, we found we were getting attached and agreed this morning to adopt her. However, I continue to have real second thoughts. Even though she is getting exercise, with covid, we can’t take her to doggy daycare or the dog park yet, and we are still grieving so much for our old dog that just died. We also can’t adopt a third dog to somehow “fix” the situation. It’s hard enough having a new dog in our home so soon after our old dog died. I feel guilty constantly that we adopted so soon after our dog died as it didn’t show proper respect to him (he was an absolutely wonderful, gentle dog) or allow us time to grieve, and guilty that I am still regretting bringing the new dog home and don’t feel particularly bonded to her, after all. I also feel that we kept her due to guilt rather than any other reason. Our home is not the best fit for her, and we knew that all along. We agreed to adopt her because we were worried that the next family that came along wouldn’t be able to help her, either. Any advice that you have about this situation would be welcomed, as I feel we made the commitment but for all the wrong reasons.

  119. Trisha says

    Maria: I am so so sorry. You are still grieving. You need support, compassion and peace. There is nothing wrong about calling the rescue and telling them you made a mistake. We all make them. Think of it this way: You have now learned more about the dog, and where she will or will not do well. And, about that “next family”–I can not tell you how many people I’ve worked with hesitated to rehome a dog because they didn’t believe there was someone else out there who could/would take care of it. But there just about always was. There are a gazillion wonderful people out there, don’t worry that you are the only ones. Best of luck, and I am so sorry about your dear, departed dog. The right dog is out there; this just isn’t the right one, and it’s not the right time.

  120. Erin says

    I came across this site when googling adoption regret. I’m glad I found it. I’m on day 10 with 3.5 month old kittens. This isn’t my first adoption. I had a cat for nearly 19 years. I had to put him down, oddly enough, 3.5 months ago. I thought I was ready to adopt again. I figured I could handle whatever was thrown at me.

    I knew that if/when I adopted again that I wanted 2 cats. I wanted the cats to always have each other. I also wanted my two young children to experience the fun of kittens and the long lasting love. They only knew our cat as the old man. I got exactly what I wanted. So what am I regretting? I don’t know. It’s like the reality has set in that this is my responsibility for the next 15+ years. Every day it’s litter cleaning and multiple feedings. It’s vacuuming hair off the couches and sweeping litter off the floor. I knew this. I did it with my first cat. Why now is it such a problem that I have already reached out to the adoption agency to return them?

    They’re adjusting well. Aside from their recent Giardia diagnosis which results in diarrhea, as does the meds that treat it, they’re eating, using their box, playing. They’re adorable. They haven’t had much freedom in the house because they’re leaving little stains everywhere so they constantly have to be cleaned. I’m overwhelmed at the moment. But even without the giardia I don’t feel that I’m the home for them because I don’t want to clean litter anymore. Is that terrible?? I feel ashamed and irresponsible. I failed these kittens. How could I let this happen?

    If I shut up and keep them and just deal with it will I resent them and never love them? They should be loved by someone who won’t hate the work they involve. I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by bringing them back because I want to be sure the parasite is gone and I can’t imagine them sitting in some small crate because I did this at the wrong time. The adoption agency says bring them back sooner rather than later so they’re still young enough to be adopted. The older they get the longer it may take.

    I’ve lost sleep over this. Cried over and over about it. I wish I knew the right decision.

  121. Trisha says

    Trust your gut Erin. There’s nothing terrible about realizing that this is not the right time. And, I’m thinking you do know the right decision, it’s just a hard one. But nothing about it makes you a bad person, just a person who made a mistake for all the best of reasons.

  122. Erin says

    Thanks Trisha. It really is a hard and heartbreaking decision. I wanted to be a good cat mom. There is so much shame behind returning and rehoming pets. Especially in these times. I just hope they stay together and find an amazing home.

  123. Sarah says

    I am so relieved to have googled concerns over re homing a dog as your comments and stories have really helped me, and reassured me that the anxiety I am feeling is normal!
    I have just taken in a 3 year old GSD who was living with a family with children since a puppy but they have just had a new baby and he doesn’t get the time he needs to be a dog, he was going to doggy day care 4 days a week and even moved in there for a week.
    All he wants is to be loved and he is so gentle and loving… yet he pulls on the lead and apparently mouths little dogs and the owner was scared that he would be aggressive with other dogs, and he keeps randomly barking at any noises outside my house and even barked at my neighbour when I opened the door to him.
    so far he has been so so gentle with any other dog he has seen, he’s like an excitable child when he jumps out of the car boot for a walk and loves to snuggle and follows me around the house and listens so well to sit, stay etc…
    yet I have this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach and all of these what it’s spinning round my head and it’s night 4 and day 3 so to read this article and everyone’s replies I have to say thank you so much everyone

  126. Kyle says

    I am on the 2 week mark currently. I’m 25, and my dog is 5 months old. I thought long about getting a dog, but since getting her I have been filled with anxiety! Thinking I made the wrong decision, and having to be responsible for this dog that requires so much attention 24/7. Crossing my fingers that this goes away and everything gets easier!

  127. A says

    Sometimes doing what you feel is best for the dog and for your household is so hard, especially with the stigma surrounding “returns”. We just gave back the sweetest, cuddliest, so-full-of-potential rescue because she had much more energy at times than we wanted and that we felt comfortable with in terms of the safety of our cats being accidentally hurt.

    Despite us mentioning our needs ahead of time and it seeming like a good fit during the initial meet (looking back we realized she was so scared she was not showing her true spunk yet), it turned out that we know deep down that she would be better off elsewhere and our cats would fare better with less stress as well. Not a mean, aggressive bone in her sweet body, but also not a match for what we need right now. I can accept that, but again, it’s the stigma attached and right now I’m struggling with so much guilt and feeling judged, despite the fact that I know that I am a good dog Mama and have proven that time and time again in the past.

    Hugs to all of us going through these times. Most of us don’t make these decisions lightly.

  128. Trisha says

    A: You are a great dog and cat mamma, because you did the hard thing, not the easy thing. Kudos for thinking of what the animals needed first.

  129. Kate says

    Hi I am a doggy mummy of two beautiful dogs one 16 and one 13. We just took on a rescue dog from Spain. He is an absolute beautiful, energetic and intelligent dog. I am having a lot of concerns and anxious. My main concern is that one of my younger daughters doesn’t want to keep him or does my my older sons. The reason being is that my 13 year old has been snappy with him to the point the whilst I stroked him the new dog came in for a fuss and mine very out of character went to nip him but bit my arm instead. I am so confused and upset. We have only had him for a few days but not sure if I will be able yo trust both on thuer own.

  130. Sarah Mabbutt says

    I’ve just returned a rescue dog I had for 8 weeks. She the most beautiful dog, ohysicalky and in behaviour. Full of energy. Bi git exhausted abd felt couldn’t manage wven though walking about three hours s day, running, playing. I started to get anxious, though mot sure why.
    Three days ago I took her ti be rehomed as fekt with nit great health and in ky own, I wasnt managing.
    Now so devistated, was crying when signed her over,. Unable to get up, eat. Rang agency to see if time frame to get her back but no. Cant stop crying, unable to even work out y.

  131. Trisha says

    Sarah, perhaps trusting yourself might be a good thing to think about. If she made you anxious and you couldn’t keep up, then perhaps there is another dog that is a better match? Trust your gut Sarah, and if you’re sure you made a mistake, remember that life is just one big long continuous mistake for all of us. She’d forgive you, I hope you can too.

  132. Ryley says

    I have a 7 year old boy with behavior difficulties and ADHD. In fact his behavior became so challenging that his school recommended he go to a “special” school for kids with behavior challenges. We went through Parent Child Interaction Therapy with him and his behavior improved greatly. Thank God. Then we got a 9 month old puppy for him. My husband and I thought it was a good fit because she is a pretty well behaved dog. The 1st day was ok. But after that we saw my son’s behavior regress, unfortunately. Now I feel we made a huge mistake because he was doing so much better before we brought home the puppy. She is wonderful, but I’m not sure if it’s because we have to correct my son’s behavior more often now to teach him how to interact with her that has caused him to regress. He has a lot of energy and doesn’t always play appropriately with her, but seems to love having her. I am torn with wanting to keep her and wanting to have all progress we had made back.

  133. Emma says

    Boy have I been going through this over the last three weeks with my own rescue pup. I’d been thinking about getting a dog for the last two years after seeing the amazing companionship a few friends had with their own rescues. I had read several books on dogs and training and thought I was prepared when I brought home my eight month old rescue Bahama dog. I was completely unprepared for how overwhelming a new dog could be. She’s very nervous (I’m told this is pretty typical of street dogs from the Islands), yet is pushing boundaries at every turn. The last three weeks I’ve been an anxious and emotional wreck as I try to work on so many things at once (house training, staying off the table and counters, demand barking, barking at my dad, nipping and mounting my mom, ripping into furniture, separation anxiety, etc.). She also came to me with giardia, which has made things even more challenging and stressful with early vet visits. One blessing is that she sleeps through the night in a dog bed in my bedroom. I’m trying to work on crate training her, but we’re not there yet; she’s very reactive when the kennel door closes and has barked, howled, whined and scratched for hours straight when I’ve had her in there covered while I’m trying to get through a zoom meeting. To make things worse, she hasn’t totally warmed up to me yet and doesn’t like to be touched. Even though she’s had me in tears just about every single day, and I’m constantly thinking “I can’t do this”, I do think she has a lot of potential. I’ve been doing a lot of training with her and she’s super food motivated. My biggest fear now is that even more behavioral issues will crop up as time goes on and she gets more comfortable in my home. I keep thinking, “okay, I can work on these behaviors, but what about the next ones?”. The 3-3-3 rule has me so anxious, not knowing how it applies to my own pup. By day three she was doing all of the “bad” things I described, and not much new has manifested by week three. What are the chances this is as bad as it gets?? I’m desperately grasping for hope that she will let me have my life back and be a wonderful companion to take along on hiking and camping adventures.

  134. Trisha says

    Oh Emma, you poor thing. First, you clearly got a dog who would be handful to anyone. So give yourself lots of compassion, because your girl sounds challenging. Second, who is on your side? What friends can help give you a break, help with training, listen while you talk without being judgey? What training resources do you have? What books, videos, private trainers to contact? Any help from the place you adopted her from? (They should absolutely be there for you!) Line up resources now as well as you can. Be sure to contact someone who knows Learning Theory and isn’t going to go all “you’ve got to be dominant” on you. (Please god no electric collars!) Last, I’d set a time frame… maybe three months at the most? It seems to help to set a boundary: “I’ll do this for X number of days and decide what to do then.” REALLY. But, in answer to your question, absolutely this might be as bad as it gets. No one, however, has a crystal ball, so all you can do is sit back, figure out what support and expertise you have available, and then go day by day. If this is not the dog for you, it REALLY is okay to send her back. REALLY. Hang in there.

  135. Serena says

    This blog post and all of the comments are SO helpful to me right now! It’s been about 6 weeks with my new 1 year old rescue pit bull / staffy mix. He is sweet and smart, loves dogs and people, came fully housetrained, food motivated and quick learner on many things. But he was transported from a rural county to my city condo (no yard), and his leash frustration and noise reactivity has been so hard. We’re working with a trainer but progress is slow and I wonder if he’ll ever be happy in this environment. (All the youtube videos show training in a giant empty field with one other well-trained dog, well that doesn’t exist in my city; some days he can’t get five feet out the door to pee without a meltdown because of the many distractions.) Purely selfishly, I think, I adopted a dog to take fun walks in the neighborhood and see my friends, and now I’m even more isolated than during the pandemic. My previous dog was also a country rescue, and certainly had her issues, but we could walk in my neighborhood. It is so affirming to see others having the same doubts. I love the idea of setting a time frame in my head, like, let’s try for one more month and then I can decide if I can do one more. It keeps me from spiraling out too far and what ifs. Thank you all!

  136. Laure Nolte says

    Thank you for this post – its been really helpful reading all the comments. We are two months in with our doggo Frankie who came to us from the dominican. We were very careful about the rescue we went through and in taking time to choose a dog that would fit our experience level. She was described as sweet, good with humans, dogs and cats and never barks but the only thing that is true on this list is good with dogs. She wouldn’t come out of her crate while we were around for 2.5 weeks, and the second week she was with us she stopped eating a drinking water. The rescue told us to just give her time and she will come around. We put her on gabapentin. She warmed up to me, so I was able to harness her up and take her for walks which makes her really happy.

    It has been two months now and she hasn’t warmed up to my partner. She will growl and bark at my partner occasionally (it seems like she is “resource guarding” me). We have had a behaviorist (Silvia Jay) in to help, and sometimes I think Frankie is making progress and then a few days later it happens all over again. We are not able to have friends over anymore because she barks and growls quite viciously at people who come to our door, so we have started trying to incrementally socialize her to other people, but she is extremely fearful of humans. If they look at her on the street, or bend down to say hi, while we are passing by she will growl and bark and scare them away. It is stressful to manage, praying that everyone we pass will not try to say hello to her. As an unexperienced dog owner, I was hoping for an easier transition than this. I have been worried sick that we made the wrong decision and even felt quite depressed with “rescue blues”, but my partner wants to give her more time. I can tell this pup has potential, she is so sweet with me, and I want to believe that over time she will bond with my partner and settle in to our routine but with all the faith and patience in the world, I still don’t know that she will ever “come around”. That this will become about management, rather than behavioral change, adaptation and building resilience.

  137. Jen says

    It has been such a comfprt reading through everyones comments and realising I’m not alone in feeling this way.
    I’m on day 4 of adopting a 10 month old Doberman. I grew up with a dobie, it’s been 22 years since she passed and I’ve missed her every day since. My Dad currently has a dobie and a dobie x GSD, so I felt pretty experienced for someone who’s never actually owned a dog as an adult. We also did lots of research (or thought we did) and settled on this girly who already had a good start on training, not realising that we’ve effectively brought a toddler into the house – she’s highly intelligent and will ignore you when it suits her/play up to get attention (every single time I’ve tried to eat dinner this week she starts ‘playing up’ to get my attention, when I was on the loo earlier she pulled hair out of the bin next to me, then when I took it off her she went and dug our other pets treats out of the unit they were in). She will sometimes go off into the garden of her own accord, but if I move at all she has to follow me everywhere.
    She absolutely adores my other half and I feel I can cope more when he’s around, but I absolutely dread the 10 hours he’s out at work, because I feel like I can’t give her what she needs and he can. The other half also works shifts and I work irregular hours so I’m now wondering if that’s going to cause an issue because we won’t really be able to establish a consistent pattern for her.
    The first 3 nights we hardly got any sleep as she takes up so much space on the bed, it felt like we couldn’t move for fear of waking her, then she wants to play at 5am despite going to bed at midnight. Last night was better, it took us a good half hour of telling her to ‘go to bed’ and removing her from our bed every time she jumped back up, but eventually she realised we weren’t giving in and stayed on her own bed, hopefully we can continue that tonight.
    I just feel completely overwhelmed and I feel stupid for feeling that way because in many ways she’s a fantastic dog – she has been friendly to every other dog we’ve met, she’s mostly house trained, she knows a fair few commands and she can be very loving, I guess I just worry that despite the 2 decent length walks a day (wouldn’t say they’re brisk because she has to stop every few steps to sniff everything), playing with us and playing on her own, when she’s awake she’s all go and so demanding!
    I came down with a bad cold on day 2 and on day 3 my mother in law tried to commit suicide, so I know I’m both mentally and physically overwhelmed.
    I just hope she calms down a bit and my worries go away.

  138. Rachel says

    Dear Patricia,
    Thank you so much for this blog. I can’t express how much I needed to hear these words from someone so well respected in the dog community. I’m a dog lover who until recently had never had a dog. I’ve volunteered with dogs for many years and even worked at a shelter in university. I spent the last year preparing to adopt my first dog. I read, listened, and watched everything I could get my hands on. I did pre-adoption planning sessions with an R+ trainer, and set up a decompression room in my home. A little over a month ago we brought home a dog from a local shelter who had been severely neglected. We thought we were going to be her happily ever after. Despite all my preparations, the one thing I never expected was how this sweet dog’s anxiety was going to trigger my own anxiety and panic. Within just 1 week I was totally overwhelmed and feeling isolated. I felt so much love for this beautiful being and yet my physical and mental health were falling apart. She went back to the shelter and was matched to another family. The shame, guilt and regret is worse than anything I have ever experienced. I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I could have controlled my panic and done things differently. I’ve started to see a counselor to process the heartbreak and grief of this experience. Being a dog guardian was a lifelong dream. Now it feels like I don’t have what it takes. I feel like I no longer belong in the animal welfare/ dog community. I have a long way to go in my healing but I want to thank you again for speaking publicly and with compassion about a topic that often comes with so much shame and judgment.

  139. Dawn Hannay says

    Thank you so much for this blog. Alfie, whom I adopted 4 weeks ago, is my fourth rescue dog, but the first with behavioral problems. He was described as calm and friendly to everyone. He’s been through four previous homes in 6 months, which should have been a red flag. I had not had him for even a few days when I discovered he has severe separation anxiety. I immediately got him on anti-anxiety medication and hired a trainer. I live alone and every single time I have to go out, I have to arrange and pay for day care. He has meltdowns both when I drop him there and when I pick up, which is an ordeal for both of us. Despite medication, he has started to exhibit other anxiety behavior. He’s become territorial in the apartment, and attacks anyone who tries to come in. He has become reactive on leash. He’s hyper vigilant and barks at every noise. I’m training non-stop, but my own anxiety level is through the roof, and I really think it’s just not a good match. I’m beating myself up as a failure, and my heart is breaking for this guy, but I’m not sure I can do this.

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