You might have noticed that there have been no photographs of cats in the last several months. That’s because there are no cats living here now, but I couldn’t write about it until it wasn’t so raw. (See many of Brené Brown’s works for excellent discussions of when, and when not, to go public with something that’s difficult and personal.)
Here’s the story, starting with the stars of the show: Nellie and daughter Polly came to the farm ten years ago. Nellie had shown up at a friend’s place, not far away, a starving, pregnant adolescent who clearly had been well socialized. She had seven kittens growing in her belly, and was otherwise skin and bones. Our friends Bonita and Fredericka took her in, and helped her raise her kittens, each one glowing with health. Polly was one of the two all white ones. Homes were needed for Nellie and the kittens, and although my cat allergies had become so bad that I could no longer have a cat in the house, we took them in as outdoor cats, which is what they were used to. [I’ll talk more about the controversy of indoor/outdoor cats later on in this post. Please put that issue on hold, if you would be so kind.]
We took in Mom and daughter Polly, in part because they needed homes, partly because I love cats, and in part because we had mice in the house and rats in the barn. That’s RATS, in capital letters, big rats the size of small rabbits, who once became so prolific they got into the house. If you’ve never had a large, Norwegian rat run across your kitchen floor, it is impossible to know what that feels like. (Some of my friends said they wouldn’t come into my home anymore. Seriously.) If you have grain for livestock, as we did, you have lots and lots of rodents. It’s a given.
Nellie and Polly were outdoor cats, so we created a cozy home for them in the garage, with places to cuddle and nap, a heated house for winter, fresh food twice a day and water out at all times. Both were spayed. Polly, even though she’d been raised with tons of love and cat-adoring visitors, was shy with visitors and saw the house as a place of horror to be avoided it at all costs. Her mum Nellie was the opposite. The definition of an extrovert, Nellie never met a stranger. Everyone was her best friend. Everyone’s car and every workman’s van required an inspection. The crew who did an extensive remodel on the house a few years ago threatened to take her home. Speaking of the house, oh yes, she’d like to be inside it whenever she could, please. The “no cats in the house so that Trisha could breathe” rule got bent and broken more times than I’d like to admit.
For almost ten years mom and daughter lived as good a life as we could provide. They got lots of attention and petting. Nellie supervised my gardening and photo shoots carefully, along with coming on walks with us when we walked the dogs. Polly and Nellie played together, slept together, and groomed each other every single day. They were inseparable.
And then, well, you know what’s coming. Last July, Jim and I left to visit friends and family out east. The night before we left, Polly didn’t show up for her dinner. As a completely outdoor cat, this wasn’t unusual. But we left for our trip a bit disconcerted, asking the sitter to let us know as soon as she came into the home she shared with her mother. She didn’t come home that night. Or the next day. Our vacation consisted of me calling friends, shelters, vet clinics, and neighbors. I sent photographs to a vet clinic who, bless them, made up flyers for me. Dear friend Bonita, and one of the two who had rescued Polly’s mom in the first place, went around to neighbors asking if they’d seen an all white cat. She’s pretty hard to miss.
Nothing. When we got home, ten days later, we searched everywhere. We knew full well that the chance of finding a small cat in waist-high overgrowth, or a huge barn full of places to hide, was almost useless. But of course, we did it anyway. And spent more time than usual petting Nellie, who behaved as if she had been badly frightened. We held out hope–we’ve all seen the stories of cats who showed up weeks, months, even years later. But I found it hard to believe that Polly wasn’t dead. We’d had a stray orange and white male poaching food in the garage for a few months, and we’d seen him threatening Nellie. There are hawks and eagles and barred owls and coyotes and bobcats a plenty out here. Polly was bright white and was visible from far, far away. I gave up looking.
Nellie slowly recovered from her fear, but was clearly desperate for company. We did what we could. In summer it wasn’t hard. Nellie would join me while I was outside gardening or working the dogs. When friends came for cook outs she rubbed herself all over them. She got lots of petting and attention, even though I was sure she missed her daughter terribly. And then, winter came. No more gardening outside. Few visitors, thanks to Covid. Sometimes I let her inside, and even after washing my hands and arms, spent the next hours scratching and less able to breathe.
I began to think about rehoming her, agonizing about it every day. She loves to be inside. She loves to cuddle. She is more social than many dogs. When I got the nerve to ask, her original saviors, Bonita and Fredericka, said they’d take her back in a minute. They had one of her daughters, along with a stray kitten they’d taken in the year before. (Stray cats in the southern Wisconsin countryside are, sadly, far too prolific.) I won’t belabor how hard it was to think about losing her. I adore her, still do. She is, don’t even think about correcting me, the BEST CAT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. I am crying as I write this.
She is also now living the perfect life. After a few days in their garage, Nellie is now settled into her new home. She cuddles with her new humans on a daily basis. The former stray and her daughter Sparky sleep with her on the bed. The resident dog thinks she’s a great addition. Nellie lives exactly the life she wants to live, and I know I’ve done the right thing.
I’m telling you all this because I’ve always been honest with you, and being authentic is important to me. I am aware I will get castigated from several sides. For having an outdoor cat. For rehoming her. For not trying yet one more way of treating my cat allergy. (Please do not send advice about dealing with cat allergies. Thank you!)
But the main reason I am writing this is because so many of my clients had to face rehoming a beloved pet, and I want people to know that a thoughtful rehome is not an “abandonment” of a dog or cat. I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who realized, after a lot of talking and soul searching, that they were just not the right home for a particular dog or cat. One of my clients was elderly, deaf and almost blind, and got talked into getting a nervous, reactive adolescent Border Collie. Another had two ancient Labradors who were terrified of a rescued mix of a thing who hated both of them. There were dogs who couldn’t handle young children, and cats who wanted to kill the “incoming” cat–after two years of living together. There were hard-working young couples who had no concept of what raising a puppy entailed, who couldn’t manage to work 12 hour days and raise a pup. There were experienced dog owners with the best of intentions who got a dog from the streets of Haiti who needed a quiet place to live, not a busy street in downtown Milwaukee.
You get the idea. The fact is, no matter how well intentioned we are, sometimes we simply can not provide what an animal needs to live a truly good life. And that is our job, as I see it: To learn what a sentient animal needs, and figure out how to get it for them. I told my clients, as I’m telling anyone out there who will listen, that rehoming a pet who is struggling in its current home is not “abandonment.” It is the best gift we can give them. If we can change something in our lives to create a healthy environment for Fluffy or Fido, all the better. If we can’t, then, as animal-lovers, it is our job to try to find it for them. Of course, we can’t always. Jim and I were lucky that our friends never hesitated for a moment to take Nellie back. But if they had, I would have found the right place, eventually. I knew, heartsick as I was, that was what Nellie needed.
If you’d like to read more about this, I’ve written in Different Place, Different Dog? about how animals, just like us, can behave radically differently from one environment to another. I also wrote extensively in 2010 about my concerns about a puppy we got, named Hope. I adored him, but I had misgivings early on based on the way he behaved around my Border Collie, Willie, which I wrote about in Hoping for Hope Part II. He turned out to be exactly the wrong dog for Willie, and I ended up rehoming him, which I wrote about in a post titled Update on Hope. Don’t miss the comments; some of them are extremely informative.
I won’t pretend it is easy to rehome an animal that you love. It can be heartbreaking to say goodbye to an individual that you have brought into your home. But sometimes it’s simply the best way, if not the only way, to do what needs to be done. Sometimes for your sake, sometimes for the animal’s. Often for both.
I’d love it if you shared stories about rehoming a pet. I found, over the years, that people had a hard time believing that someone out there would love their dog or cat as much as they did. And yet, almost all of those animals eventually found wonderful homes. What about you? Have you ever made that decision? What was it based on, and how did it work out? I guarantee you there are a lot of people out there who are in struggling with this decision right now, and could profit from reading about the experiences of others.
[I said I’d comment about indoor/outdoor cats at the end of this post. As I started writing about this issue, an important one for sure, I decided to hold off now, and write about it in more depth later on in the summer. It’s complicated, and deserves it’s own post. I don’t want to muddy the rehoming issue with another one that is so controversial. An ecologist colleague of mine received death threats for saying that cats should not be allowed outside, and saying goodbye to Nellie has been hard enough for me without dealing with people who want my head on a stake. I will leave you with the knowledge that Jim and I thought long and hard about letting cats live outdoors here, balancing the costs and benefits. I’ll write about this more later, and leave it that we made the best decision we could make at the time, aware that both choices had significant downsides.]
So, again, please join the conversation about rehoming–were you the one who took in someone else’s pet? Did you rehome an animal you loved and want to tell us what you learned? I look forward to hearing your stories, as I’m sure are all in the village.
MEANWHILE, back on the farm: Cool temperatures. Flowering everything. Low humidity and cotton-ball clouds in a deep blue sky. A breeze. Good grief, I don’t remember it ever being so gorgeous here for so long. Here’s a Highbush Cranberry on the top left, a little, red Tree Peony in the middle, and a French Lilac who has lost its mind on the right. The scent from the lilac is so strong it’s intoxicating.
Skip and I had some great lessons from trainer Samantha Jones this weekend, along with friend Donna and her dog Wisp. Sam kept two pups from a recent litter, so I got to go into puppy rapture for awhile. Skip hasn’t met many puppies, and was clearly nervous about them at first. While the other dogs walked and played, Skip went out of his way to find other things to do, including checking out this dear, old horse and a flock of sheep.
I wish he was bolder, but he is who he is, and I loved how he made smart choices to keep himself out of trouble. After the walk, he decided to say hi to a pup once she was safely held in Sam’s arms.
As always, the Barn swallows are honoring their name by nesting in the barn. They are quite offended when we enter their territory, which is pretty rare this time of year. I took this photo below while surrounded by a flurry of protective parents.
I’ll leave you with a tiny Iris I planted last year, and gave up on because it looked so scrawny. Imagine my surprise when this bloomed last week:
I see it as a good reminder to us all: You gotta know when to hold ’em, and, pulling all we’ve talked about together, when to fold ’em. May your decisions this week be clear, and may they all end up with everyone living happily ever after.
Bonita Sitter says
I’m here to attest that Nellie and Polly had a picture perfect life with Tricia and Jim. I also grieve the disappearance of Polly at age 9, but it can happen in any household. We are enjoying Nellie’s return, she definitely seemed to remember her way around and quickly learned the pet door allows her to choose inside or out. We appreciate her help reducing mouse, vole, and chipmunk populations. And more than that we enjoy her snuggles and her interactions with our other fur children, always entertaining to observe. We’ve had many stray animals show up here for shelter. Nellie is one of the best cuz she brought us 7 beautiful kittens that enriched many people.
Thanks to everyone able to home strays, so often such great companions.
Trisha says
Thanks Bonita! Jim and I will be eternally grateful for our years with Polly and Nellie, thanks to you!
lak says
I agree with you, rehoming can be just what is needed for the pet/animal. I adopted a female cockatiel who was not being looked after in the store by my house, filthy cage and water, you get the idea. I offered a nominal sum and was given bird and cage. She was a wonderful bird and very friendly, but my 1st bird hated her and was horribly aggressive towards her even in separate cages. When I went on vacation a coworker took care of my birds, and my girl bonded with his male cockatiel, so much so they would cuddle and rub their necks together. This elated both of us owners, in the best interest of the birds I relinquished my girl to my coworker and she lived a fabulous life sharing a cage with her mate, they adored each other. I was rewarded with one of their offspring a couple of years late and raised that bird for 15 years. It takes courage to do the right thing at times, and often time it can be painful as well, I commend you!
Kat says
D’Artagnan came to me as a rehome. He and his sister were initially adopted by a young couple with a pair of kids (toddler and preschooler). Then the parents got a divorce. She got one dog and he got the other. Now she’s a single mom with two young kids, she’s working full time, going to school and doing all the parent things. She loves her dog dearly but time for him is in short supply. He’s spending too much time alone in the yard and figures out how to leave to roam the neighborhood and how to bark incessantly and drive the neighbors crazy. So now he’s spending most of his time in a 10’x10′ kennel in the garage. She loves him enough to realize that this is a crappy life for him and despite how much she loves him and will miss him she finds him a home where he can be happy and thrive. Prior to coming to live with me he was regularly licking sores into his side but he hasn’t had a sore since he came here. Prior to becoming my dog his coat was a bit thin and patchy now we regularly hear what an amazing rug he’d make (a comment I understand is a compliment on what a lush thick coat he has now but still always strikes me as a little weird). We’ve stayed in touch and I’ve texted her updates as well as making sure she knows where she can follow him on social media. She still misses her dog but she knows she made the right decision and my dog is living the best life. Today he spent time at college providing finals week stress relief for students. He loved having a bunch of people come to love and admire him. Right now he’s outside guarding the property and dozing in the sunshing. In a little while he’ll go for a nice long walk somewhere interesting. Tonight he’ll sleep beside my bed. He’s happy, healthy, and doing what he loves. She’ll probably always miss her dog but she loved him enough to make sure he has the life he needs where he can thrive. Meanwhile, the ex-husband loves his dog who lives in a backyard with minimal interaction, spends much of her time on a chain, and is a filthy matted mess. But he loves his dog and would never give her up. To me there’s an open-hearted generous love that wants what’s best for the dog and a selfish kind of love that will hold onto a dog out of some sort of possessiveness even if it is not in the best interest of the animal. I will never fault someone for rehoming an animal when it is in the best interest of the animal.
I’ll miss the cat photos and stories but I applaud you for doing right by Nellie. And I sympathize on the loss of Polly. They’re family too. May your photos and wonderful memories of her be a blessing and a comfort.
Tammy says
As a long-time (30+ years) advocate, volunteer, and board member for rescues and shelters, I’ll say you did the right thing for both the cats and your health. And you did it with love and careful thought.
I’ll also say that the world would be a far gentler and kinder place if people spent less time judging others and more time looking deep inside to better understand why they feel so compelled that others do and be like them. I hope any of your readers with different opinions than you about outside cats and rehoming will consider such self-reflection before castigating.
Kris Farias says
Thanks so much for sharing this. Toby was a corgi I adopted from a corgi rescue. Having had corgis when I was younger, living on a farm, I always wanted one as an adult. Toby was a great dog…. Super friendly, outgoing, loved my other dog and tolerated my cats. I live in a small town on a corner lot with light auto traffic, but it was too much for Toby. He wanted to herd every car he saw from the yard, and became neurotic about it. He would furiously spin in circles as soon as he heard a vehicle approaching. He got adequate exercise, but his frustration at not being able to chase the cars was evident. We did obedience training, increased his daily exercise, but it was evident after several months that I was not able to give him the life he needed as a young herding breed. I contacted the rescue and fortunately they did not hesitate to take him back into their care. I received a call several weeks after I returned him that he had been placed with a middle-aged couple who lived on 50+ acres with horses and sheep. And he was able to live his best life.
I miss that boy, but I was not his best situation. I’m so thankful for the rescue group who didn’t give me any static and took my suggestion that a farm home was what he needed to be happy.
Judy says
Being part of a rescue group often means falling in love and letting go.
One foster came to me and wouldn’t leave. When he first came I introduced him to my resident dog carefully. All went well and I let them out into the fenced yard. He wouldn’t come back in. It took 3 days to get my hands on him again. Even in the fenced yard he was elusive. And it was October and cold and wet. Finally after 3 days I was sitting in the deck crying out of worry and frustration and he came and leaned into me and out his head on my shoulder.
I fed and cared for this guy for 3 years. Always continuing to try and find the right home for him. But he wasn’t having it. He would go on a visit and misbehave every time. He was a pretty much perfect pet at my house. Except – I travel a lot, with my dogs, and we are around lots of other dogs. He easily took offense to other dogs.
One weekend while I was going to be away I asked a friend who knew him well if she would keep him for the week. She agreed. And they had a wonderful time. He loved her dog and her. She loves him. I asked if she would like to keep him. It was a perfect match. They were like a newly wed couple, madly in love with one another. He lived a wonderful life with her and was truly, finally in the right home.
Charlotte Kasner says
I always tell clients that the best and the worst thing that we can do for our companion animals when the time comes is euthanasia. That doesn’t mean that it is any the less painful even tough it is the right thing to do.
Re-homing is its close cousin. Just as painful, just as difficult to make the decision, but ultimately, the right thing to do for the animal.
I’ve had a couple of clients re-home their dogs because they realised that they did not have the resources to cope and, although it causes me a pang too because I have got to know the dogs (and I will always wonder how they are getting on), I am relieved for the dogs.
In all honesty, I am relieved for myself too, because it can be a huge cause of burnout to know how to help an animal when the client does not have the money, time, skills or willingness to follow through with the required input.
Everyone should take a sort-of Hippcratic Oath (even if it just to themselves) when they take on companion animals to always strive to do the best for them.
As ever, thank you for sharing this; it helps us all to carry on.
Mary says
I had to rehome a dog. Actually, my inspiration to do the right thing came from a lecture that I heard from you about having to rehome a dog. Gidget was a 1 year old Jack Russell terrier with megaesophagus. She had been living in a cage at a humane society in Dallas, TX since 8 weeks of age. The humane society had spent money doing surgery to try and help her megaesophagus and didn’t want to give up on her but she was there for a year and “hogging” up much needed cage space and the employees were giving up hope of ever finding her a home. So I flew from Chicago to Dallas to rescue her. I am a huge JRT fan. And my last rescued JRT was a mess when I adopted her so I was up for the challenge. Her megaesophagus was easy to manage but it was her behavior that ended up leading to her rehoming. She had an extremely high prey drive. And if you started to move fast up the stairs, she would chase you and bite. As an adult, I could tell her No and it would jolt her out of her prey drive and she wouldn’t bite. My husband and 5 year old daughter could also avoid the bite. My son unfortunately would not say No and he was 4 years old and always running up and down those stairs. He would cry and then poor Gidget would be jumping on him licking his face always realizing that she hurt him but she just couldn’t stop that instinct to chase and bite what moved. We were also having to crate her every time the kids had friends over because I couldn’t take the chance of her biting one of them. My son loved her and he and I wanted to keep trying to curb the behavior but my husband had enough of the crying and the bruises. Plus I hated having her in the crate when people were over because she really loved people that didn’t run and she had already spent so much time of her short life in a crate. My husband was also crating her every time I was at work. She was rehomed to a newly retired couple that had another JRT. They had no grandkids and no stairs in the house. She got along great with their dog. We all missed her immensely, but she was having a better life without the drama and bruising. Her new owners never crate her. As much as I cried and missed her, I knew she had a better life in her new home.
You taught me that it was alright to rehome a pet. They are a living individual that needs the best life that we can give them even if it means it is not our home.
Susan Tolchin says
I may be facing this. I hope not, but it’s possible. My cat just turned 4 and my dog is 2 1/2 and has lived with the cat her entire life so far. They have always gotten along well and even played with each other. A few weeks ago my dog was asleep on the bed while I was lying down looking at my iPad with the cat curled up against my chest purring. My cat wasn’t touching my dog, and I didn’t see my dog wake up. Just a sudden rush at my cat. There were no injuries, just a lot of sound and fury. I know she could have hurt the cat if she’d really wanted to; I also know this was a very serious incident. So now my girl sleeps in her crate, and I am on constant watch for any further incidents. There is some resource guarding around “found food.” My dog is a very good dog with a couple of loose screws and is on anxiety meds under the care of a veterinary behaviorist. She is dog reactive and shy. She is also sweet and responsive and tries so hard. My cat was here first. He is active and loving and, fortunately, quite resilient. He still approaches the dog to rub up under her chin. If push came to shove, I know I’d have to rehome my beloved cat. No one would want to take on my dog and her issues. It would break my heart to bits to do this, but his safety is paramount. I don’t know how much I’d resent my dog if this were to be necessary, or how this would affect either of us going forward. For now I’m relying on management and always making my cat’s presence the precursor of Very Good Things happening for my dog. I’ve practiced this her whole life though. So far, so good but who knows?
Mary F. says
I have had the experience of re-homing a cat. We had a gorgeous calico cat named “Lily,” who was one of the sweetest cats you’d ever want to meet. The problem was that we had two dogs who decided that their favorite activity was to chase her all over the house. We put a “mouse hole” in one of the basement doors, so she could escape whenever she felt threatened. (“Threatened” is a strong word for our dogs…they weren’t mean or malicious. They just thought it was FUN to chase a cat!)
After awhile, I guess she just got stressed enough that she had to act out. And how did she do that? She would come upstairs, jump on my bed and PEE on it! She did it several times, always in the same spot (of course, it was on MY side!) So I realized that she was telling me that she was unhappy. I made arrangements to re-home her. She went to a cat shelter, and they found the perfect home for her. She is now living in the home of a single person, and she is an “only” pet in the house. She is happy, and she no longer has to hide.
It wasn’t easy to make the decision to re-home. I felt like I had failed her. But I still believe that I made the right choice. I miss her, but I’m so glad that she is in a better situation.
Mary says
I had to rehome a dog once. I made a very bad decision to get my young daughter a dog of her own and picked the absolutely wrong one for our family. The rescue group I acquired the pup from did nothing to help me and after 2 other homes, the pup returned back to me. Fortunately I had a co-worker who helped with rehoming and the dog who couldn’t find a forever home finally found one on a horse farm where he lived his long life out happily. It was a very hard decision and one I have fortunately never had to do again, but every now and then, the fit is just not a good one and for the safety of all involved, it needs to be done.
Teddy says
Thank you so much for this post. I think about re-homing our current beloved dog often, and I am so, so conflicted about it. She’s a 3-year-old, adopted by us when she was 4 months old. She simply adores other dogs. We’ve had multiple dogs in the past but we don’t want to have more than one anymore. We give her two half-days of daycare per week to get her doggy-infusion, but I just don’t know if it’s enough. On the other hand, we have very quiet lives at home (lots of dog walks, though, including hikes on dog-centered vacations), and she is highly-enough strung that I think she likes the many opportunities for quiet rest in our household. I just can’t figure this one out. I think she is medium-happy with us, but could perhaps be happier. Argh. But I do appreciate hearing positive things about making this decision, so thank you!!
Melody says
Sending nothing but love and support – thank you for doing what was best for her even though it made your heart hurt!
Lane says
When Michael’s last dachshund died, he said that was it. We would share Razzle, our Entlebucher mountain dog. But after a few months, he began looking for an older small dog–hard to find during the pandemic.
Squiggle (then Bianca) entered the shelter’s meeting room and ran headlong into Michael’s arms, and that was the end of his quest. She didn’t meet his specs at all: Squiggy was a seven-month, deaf, Jack Russell (mix?) rescued in South Carolina. Squiggs has two settings–8000 rpm and asleep–and all it took to find the sleep setting was to be put on someone’s lap. I’m a former trainer and know how to deal with the deafness, but it combined with her full-on impulsivity to make her learning curve long. Still, she was smart, totally endearing, and a welcome playmate to Razzle, and we were committed to making it work.
Four months after we adopted Squiggy, Michael learned that he had a new cancer. Two weeks later, he died. It was brutal.
I’m a UU minister, and Razzle had already been approved as the “”minister’s study dog” at my new job, but there was no way a second dog, especially a maelstrom like Squiggy, could go to work with me. So when Michael’s trajectory became clear, we both knew I would need to rehome her. I sadly put out the word through a therapist friend who works with deaf clients, as having a deaf pet is a desirable “deaf pride” statement for some in that community.
When Michael came home on hospice and my stepson arrived to be co-caregiver, Adam was quickly enchanted by Squiggy. She took to him as quickly as she had to Michael; I’ve long maintained that there are familial smells in common. His wife had wanted a second dog, and even though Squiggs was a far cry from the golden retriever she had imagined, she was the perfect dog. Our grandson now has a dog he can handle on leash and understands that taking care of Grampa’s dog is a way of continuing to love Grampa. They all adore her, and she’s best buds with their enormous flat-coated retriever mix. When people ask our daughter-in-law what Squiggy is, she answers, “Pure love.”
And the extra grace of it is that I still get to see her, an occasion of tremendous joy for both of us.
Carole says
One of my sons and his wife adopted a puppy a few years ago. Their resident Shepherd mix was great with him, but no matter how vigilant they were, the new pup couldn’t get the hang of housebreaking. All of my kids grew up with a plethora of rescue dogs and puppies, and were well aware of how mch work it took to train a puppy. They tried everything… they took him out often, praising him when he pottied outside, but he still peed and pooped in the house and even in his crate. Of course they first ruled out any physical problems, then tried an (expensive) personal trainer for a two week board and train. Finally they reached the difficult conclusion that he needed a home where someone was home all day. The decision was made to rehome Finn with another of my sons. My daughter-in-law is a stay at home mom, with three kids ranging in age from three to fourteen. (The kids had been begging for a dog.) Although it was heartbreaking for Finn’s first family, it turned out to be the best decision for Finn. Three years later, he is housebroken, happy, and well loved. A bonus for all involved is that when the whole extended family bring their dogs here to Grandma’s house, we all get to see Finn and know that the right decision was made. People are so quick to judge and shame others for rehoming a pet, when in reality it is sometimes the best thing we can do to be sure that dog (or cat or bird) has the best life possible.
Stacey Gehrman says
I totally agree with you that rehoming is often the best thing. I have been in both situations-as the new home and as the one rehoming. It is hard to relinquish a pet but as one having worked in rescue I see dogs very happy in new circumstances that meet their needs. It is matching the dog to the home that is important. Best wishes to you.
Suzanne Clothier says
One of the greatest gifts for anyone you love is recognizing that you may not be the best home to meet their needs. That takes loving courage, and it can break your heart in a very special way. I have been in your shoes, and know that particular ache but also the joy and relief of seeing that animal happy with all needs met in a more appropriate home. Love & support for sharing this.
Beth says
I have re-homed a couple of roosters 🙂 much to everyone’s satisfaction. Those were easy decisions.
I have most fortunately been the recipient of 3 dogs who needed re-homing. A young border collie who introduced me to sheep and was my agility dog, a poodle mix puppy who had too many teeth for his geriatric owner, and a border collie retired from trialing who helps me with the sheep and chickens.
I am grateful that the previous owners gave me their pets. I know the decisions weren’t made easily.
Rontuaru says
My husband and I got a young African Grey parrot long before it became illegal for wild birds to be caught, shoved in a cage and shipped to pet stores in the United States. We were clueless. Needless to say, he was a totally wild animal who never did learn to like us (much), and hated captivity. I could handle him moderately, but when out of his cage he stalked my husband and harassed my dogs mercilessly. His vocabulary grew to be enormously entertaining and included many sounds, quips, comments and full sentences, spoken in several different, distinct voices. He even purred like the cat whenever the cat was around. However, after nearly two decades I knew I needed to rehome him when I was scheduled to be hospitalized for major surgery. I knew my husband had neither the time nor desire to care for a pet who so demonstratively hated and distrusted him, and it wasn’t fair to stick either one with each other for an undetermined amount of time. (Turned out to be three months, with multiple surgeries and years of recovery) I also knew this bird had never really “bonded” to either of us, so that made the decision a little easier. We more than met his needs, but no matter how hard we tried to win his affection he (barely) tolerated us in return. I found a very experienced birder who understood his wild nature and limitations, but still wanted to adopt him. We decided to let him go. We still tell “Mica stories,” (and I still have more than a few scars to show for my efforts), but it was the best decision we ever made. I hope he’s still out there somewhere, torturing everything in sight … as long as it’s not us!
Linda says
First, I so admire you for bringing up this topic. So many of my animal rescue friends see this as a completely black/white issue, where only bad people give up animals. I think they’re afraid to delve in and understand how complicated things can be.
We are the recipients of two rehomed cats. Their original family was in a difficult situation: one adult had developed cat allergies after undergoing chemotherapy, the other was facing heart surgery and possible death. Their only child was in college and couldn’t take the cats.
We had lost our only cat just a week before I was approached by a intermediary. It normally takes me months before I’m ready for another pet but in this case, something told me to go for it. The owner brought them over and was so overcome with emotion that she had to rush out. We keep in touch and she has visited on occasion to see them.
I know how much the former owners loved these cats. I’m not glad they had to give them up, but they bring us so much joy that I’m glad we could provide a home for them.
Don’t condemn people without knowing their situation and then don’t judge them at all. None of us can ever know what’s going on with someone else.
Lynn Ungar says
Wishing ease to your heart…. My wonderful Piper was returned to the breeder after a couple weeks with her first person. Turns out the highly active, highly headstrong puppy was just not a good match for the nice lady who needed knee surgery. Thank goodness for a breeder who encouraged the overwhelmed woman to return her so that everyone could be happy, even without knowing at the time where the puppy would go. For me, Piper is, like Mary Poppins, “practically perfect in every way,” and she’s been a wonderful teammate in a variety of dog sports. I’m so grateful that they didn’t try to shove a square peg in a round hole.
Ashley Ferraro says
I admire anyone who is willing to do what is best for a beloved pet – especially when that involves a sacrifice on the human’s side.
❤️❤️❤️
Elaine Buda says
I just re-homed a10 year old cat. She was very shy and intended as a barn cat. She figured out the dog doors and loved to come in. ( but spent her time inside hiding). I am also allergic but kept her out of the bedroom so could tolerate it. The problem was the new pushy puppy, who couldn’t resist an occasional chase, which would trigger the other dog to join in. She would never fight back and teach them respect, so I started to fear a tragedy. In the meantime, friends of mine in a quieter house just had to say goodbye to their cat. They were delighted to rescue poor shy kitty, and she has blossumed in a no dog household. She boldly comes up for pets and sleeps with her new people. Absolutely the best life for her and eased their loss also.
Beth says
Almost three years ago I moved from CA to WI after a divorce and to be closer to my family. I brought my beloved chihuahua mix, Prince, with me. In CA he had a dog brother and cat brother both whom he enjoyed being with, but that stayed with my ex. I did not realize that Prince (a rescue twice over), would have separation anxiety about being alone without me or his “brothers”, when I was gone from our new WI apartment. I did know that he was terrified of riding in the car, so he really couldn’t come with me to places. I tried everything, yes, everything. I needed to rehome him which took awhile since I was picky. I found him a lovely home with two elderly people, one of which never left their home. He was able to be trained to alert to symptoms of a disability from the homebound person. Prince has now saved that person‘s life at least twice. He is very proud of himself, never is left alone and never has to ride in the car. I will always love him, but Prince is where he needed to be and it was not with me.
KC Wilson says
I agree that re-homing a dog or cat to a home best suited to their needs is a loving act. I’ve had to do it twice. One was a foster dog we took care of who kept running away every chance he got. We had 2 young kids and 3 dogs of our own, so a chaotic household. The rescue group and I found him a great home with no children or other dogs and he never once tried to run away. An adult sheltie we adopted was a nervous little dog from the get-go. She’d been raised in a kennel her whole life, and I was sure she’d love to live a normal dog life with a family. Clearly she was not happy with us. It took over a year to find a suitable home, but she ended up living with a quiet, single man who loved taking long walks with her.
Gayle Watson says
I did not rehome a rescue dog.
I was told she had a poor recall, but has a lovely and sweet temperament. I am a trainer and would easily be able to fix that . . . Or not. Her alone time with me is morning barn chores. Every day she takes off to check out the training arena. She is however, at the top of the barn stairs whenever I finish the chores. On walks, she actively avoids running near me – food/toys/affection are strongly aversive. But !! She never loses me and we are together albeit at a distance. She maintains that bit of distance and arrives back at the house after I get back inside and then she appears, asking to come inside.
The dog is now 11 years old. She has never been happy with my other dogs and avoids them as much as she can ( small house, 3 other dogs ) which means she does not get anywhere as much attention as she would like. My arrogance as a trainer was thinking I had to fix this problem before getting her a better home.
I wish I had rehomed her years ago, so she could have been cuddled on the sofa and had (long line ) walks. She would have been so much happier.
Too late now, and life with me is ok for her, but could have been much, much better.
Marguerite Harris says
Wonderful post! We have always had barn cats, who have great lives, some very long (22!) and some not quite as long. We couldn’t possibly take in all the stray cats who come around. The occational cat who isn’t good at being an outdoor cat gets to live in the chicken coop (no chickens!) until we find him/her an indoor home. Yes, a few have made it inside with us! We don’t have allergies, but if we did I doubt we’d have any inside. You are the BEST, Trisha!!!
Cheryl says
As a veterinarian, I have seen quite a few mismatched pets and owners, where both the owners and the pets were both frustrated and unhappy. Sometimes the situation was just downright dangerous for the owner. No one should forfeit their health or safety for their pet, no matter how much you love them or they you. I had a client with a King Charles Cavalier that became food aggressive after they adopted another puppy. The household had 2 small children, not a good situation. The people hired a trainer with not much improvement. Initially they had considered euthanizing. Luckily they found a single older woman without children. And that dog now is loving life without any issues. Clearly something was not right for him in his previous home. Oh and yes a word about outdoor cats. All of my cats have been outdoors, not by choice but sometimes you have no say in the matter. Once a cat gets a taste of the great outdoors, it is near impossible to keep them in. And yes one of mine disappeared one day and never came back. The other 3 that I owned lived to 14, 16 and 17 years old So now I have no cats, as I realize it would be impossible to keep them inside and I really enjoy my bird feeder-something I have avoided with outdoor cats.
LisaW says
I wrote about my experience and thoughts on this most difficult and most personal decision in your “Different Place, Different Dog” post. And in rereading the posts on Hope, I remember the trauma you all went through leading up to and after rehoming Hope and some of the vitriolic comments you received.
What strikes me with the same sadness ten years later is the tenderness you ask from us as you describe with such vulnerability your obviously well-reasoned, well-felt, well-explained process in even thinking about a new home for Nellie. Your pain is palpable from both the rehoming and the repercussions of a decade ago.
As you said, and I have felt more than once, doing what’s best for another being may go against our grain of desires and it’s hard and it’s the right thing. Brava and yay for Nellie and her knitting.
Julie Bynum says
You are so lucky that you had someone willing to give her a home. My mom had a stroke 7 weeks ago and I have been trying to rehome her dogs, it has been difficult and I am no facing the possibility of sending them to the county. All of the shelter in our area are full.
One is a purebred border collie!! This just breaks my heart.
Terri says
Thank you SO much for sharing your insight and for always being honest and authentic. I am grateful for your post. Since we lost our dog last winter (Feb 13 ’21) we’ve been part of a weekend foster program. We know that we’re not ready for a new addition to our family and love being able to provide a break for these babies. And, as hard as it is for us to let them go, we really do believe that when our home is right, and we’re able to provide what they need, it will work out.
Thank you for sharing that they can, and do, find the homes they were meant to have. ❤
Trisha says
I’m so sorry Julie. I was faced with the same dilemma when my dog died and she would have been miserable here. There are some BC rescue groups, perhaps they could help? Vet know of anyone. A foster for awhile. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much at once, I send you my best wishes.
Cook says
I foster dogs from our local shelter, I fostered a very sweet young Anatolian mix, one of my easiest fosters.
I thought the couple adopting her was a good fit, lots of property, experience with big dogs.
After about two weeks the man contacted me, and tells me the dog is feral, aggressive, and destructive, terms I would never use to describe her.
Then he proceeded to tell me she vomits a lot and has diarrhea, they have taken her to the vet multiple times, no diagnosis, lots of treatments, antibiotics, worming, x-ray, ultra sound and on and on.
He has contacted me multiple times always leading with her being feral, aggressive and dominant and then a long list of vet visits. I think he is the cause of her stress and all her ailments.
Every time I have talked to him I have encouraged him to return her to the shelter so she can be re-homed. He tells me he will probably do that and it never happens, this has gone on for about 4 months. The foster coordinator has also talked to him multiple times and we keep trying to get him to surrender her. We both emphasis how she is not a good fit for them and that it would be the best thing for her and them to surrender her and have her get a new home.
It’s very frustrating. I would take her back if I could, but my current foster is reactive and only gets along with one of my dogs.
Re-homing is a good thing for so many animals, Hanging on to a dog because you feel bad, or like you failed doesn’t help anyone. This is what he and his wife told me the last time I talked to them.
Trisha says
Sincere thanks for all your kind comments. It is so clear to me how much happier Nellie is now-I get to visit whenever I want. What will happen here is unclear–no signs of rats so far, but the chipmunks, of “the better to eat the wires in your car engine” variety, are dancing around as if in a Disney movie. No matter the reason, my heart goes out to anyone struggling to make this choice, but it’s so helpful to hear how often it works out for the best. So many of my clients were overwhelmed with shame–that they had failed, that they would be abandoning an animal they loved, when rehoming was the most loving thing they could do. I know it doesn’t always work out, and that some animals are terribly hard to place. Kudos to us all for doing our best for animals who have no choice in the matter.
bobbie says
Recently a friend’s allergy to her cat became serious enough that no allergy medicine its working. Fortunately a friend who often visits her is moving to another state and is delighted to take kitty with her…she love her, too. Sometimes this is so very necessary. I had to rehome my beautiful Irish Setter years ago as I was leaving the country for an extended time, and she went to a loving home with someone I knew. But it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do in my life. I truly understand.
Sarah says
Thanks for this post, Trisha. I benefited from other owners deciding to re-home a dog that was not a good fit for them. Over a decade ago, I adopted a two year old “border collie-mix” from a local shelter that had been returned three times. She was the most athletic dog I have ever met. She trained for seven marathons with me (I mean fully trained – running 21 mile training runs in her prime), biked with me, hiked with me, went on long walks every day. She was always, always ready to go and have fun. She was exactly the companion I needed. When I adopted her, I was told that she had too much energy for the previous owner, and had problems with digging and trying to escape yards. I never saw that behavior because she was getting the exercise she needed – which was a lot more than most dog owners could reasonably give. I am so grateful to the folks that decided to give her another chance to find an owner that fit her life style or that beautiful, amazing dog would have probably lived a pretty frustrated life (and selfishly, I would have missed spending 8 years with her). Also, just a note that your book “The Education of Will” meant so much to me and I really thank you for writing it.
Kay says
I adopted Brando as a “transition dog.” My 2 female dogs were 17, and I was terrified of being left without a dog. So, I adopted this funny little 3 month old plott hound mix that was found tied to a tree out in the woods when the police raided a meth lab. Brando was soooo sweet and did indeed provide wonderful companionship for me and my elderly girls. When they both passed, having Brando saved my life. Literally, he was like my Grief Sherpa. He was a magical wizard of a dog. He was my only dog for awhile. A roommate moved in who had an elderly fake.boxer. Tim and Brando became fast friends. Brando was able to go run with him, and the boxer was not. When the boxer died, I watched Brando take Tim through his own grief process. Tim shortly thereafter moved 8n with his girlfriend. Brando became so depressed. He would lay by the door. When someone would come in, he would perk up until he saw that it wasn’t Tim. Then he would go mope. I contacted Tim and told him about this. For several months, Time would come to visit Brando and take him out to run, etc. Brando continued to be depressed after Tim went home. I finally had the conversation with Tim about what was best for the dog. Brando had bonded with Tim in a way that he had never bonded with me. Tim was FLABBERGASTED that * would give him up. Brando was a GREAT dog, easy to train, content to get rowdy or hang out 9n the couch. Brando lived out the last 7 years of his life with Tim, and none of us regretted that choice. Sometimes, they are just not your forever dog. Brando changed the way I looked at rehoming. I would have NEVER considered it before- but this dog was SO clear about what he needed that who was I to keep him from his person after they managed to connect?
Robin says
We rehomed our German Shepherd in March 2020 and I can still barely talk about it without crying. Thankfully we received only support because everyone who knew us knew how much we prioritized her comfort, but very few people truly understand what it feels like. People are always asking us when we’re going to get another dog. Rationally I know why they ask, but it feels like a betrayal to me and makes me angry. She’s still alive, we’re still mourning, of course we don’t want another dog.
She couldn’t handle life with a young child and it broke my heart. I know we did everything we could reasonably do. I read all the books to prepare, her training was solid, but… she was an anxious dog and always had been. We had tried multiple medications and even had a full workup with x-rays to make sure she wasn’t dealing with anything physical that we could fix. She just did not like our son and couldn’t handle being around him, but also couldn’t handle being separated from us. Keeping her would mean she would be isolated from us for 10+ hours a day. I thought, what are we doing this for? We’re miserable, she’s miserable, it’s not going to get better anytime soon. We tried so hard to keep her when so many do the bare minimum (or nothing), to prepare their dog for a baby, and things just work out for many average pet owners. It felt and still feels unfair. The other hard part for us was that the next-best option, my parents (her second-favorite people), had busy lives and said in no uncertain terms they couldn’t keep her if it meant much less time with their grandchild.
I resisted rehoming her so much because I didn’t think anyone else could care for her as well as we could. After probably the tenth time of bringing it up with my therapist (she was a common topic in therapy), my therapist said “but could someone do a good enough job? Would good enough be acceptable to you?” and that really changed something for me. As a perfectionist it’s easy to get stuck in the mindset of “well no one can do it like I can” and refuse to allow anyone to help. Sometimes good enough is good enough. We were extremely lucky that a female coworker who lived alone wanted an adult dog and was willing to put in the time needed for our dog to get comfortable with her. One day my husband moved all her supplies over to the coworker’s house and we met her at a park. We handed over the leash and watched them head down the park trail while we cried. We get updates from time to time; she’s still doing well.
Kyle Reynolds says
My wife an I have always had multiple dogs. At one point when we already had a few dogs we were the recipients of a dog from the home of an older couple who couldn’t handle the demands of a young energetic Great Dane. We were the re home family. Then eventually this new Great Dane spontaneously began to go after our older Bernese Mountain Dog. After a couple of serious incidents and no solutions working to ease tensions with the Great Dane we decided to find her a home where she could be happy. We found a wonderful family familiar with the breed. And we were able to stay in touch and watch her grow old and bring happiness and joy to her new family. It was one of the hardest things we’ve ever done but it gave Bella the life she deserved.
Anne Riba says
I have a 5 year old Belgian Malinois rescue that I know would live a better life if I find the right home for her. She is athletic, smart, cuddly, loving and high strung. She will startle and then redirect on one of my other dogs with any loud noise. That can be a car backfiring, the porch gate slamming in the wind or even the sump pump – we just never know when it’s going to happen. This has resulted in several tiffs and stitches…. To keep everyone safe, we play the crate and rotate with her. I hate to confine her away knowing that she just wants to be with the rest of us. If I find the right home for her, I won’t hesitate to try and give her what she really wants.
Judy Schachter says
My cat is a rescue who has never been a cuddler and after three years she will come onto the bed and purr but only next to, not on me. So my daughter whose cat was a nighttime adventurer, climbing on the dresser and knocking everything to the floor and scratching at the door if kept out of the bedroom, was rehomed to me. This cat loves to sleep on me and my other cat treats him as a cautious but interested brother.Their playtime includes night races down the bedroom hall and lying together on the window seat looking at the backyard wildlife. Win win. (my daughter visits frequently and still has a cat of her own)
AB says
I am the lucky recipient of a rehomed dog. She had been rescued as a young pup and adopted to a family that lived and cared for her. While I don’t have a complexe picture of her background. I understand that they had (or had adopted) a 2nd dog and these two could not co-exist. The family tried trainers and had the dogs fully delegated within the home but as it does, management failed occasionally, which resulted in my pup being bitten. The family made what I can only assume was a heartbreaking decision to surrender my pup 4 years after adopting her (she was surrender because the bite-history on the other dog made it unadoptable by the local rescue).
It’s been interesting to watch my pup adjust to this change. Some issues corrected almost immediately after being removed from that environment (e.g., digestion issues and overall food pickiness are now gone and I have a total food mooch). I assume this is a result of the reduction of general stress in her life. I feel for the original family and the difficult decision they had to make and also feel so lucky to have been the lucky one to get to adopt this pup who fits with my lifestyle and dog training ambitions so well. I wish I could assure her previous owners just how much this dog is loved in her new life.
RafasPerson says
As noted by Kathy on your FB page, those of us who have been blessed by a dog someone else had the courage to rehome want to say “thank you” from the bottom of our hearts.
About seven years ago I fostered two Mini-Aussie pups who had spent the first years of their lives as breeding dogs in a puppy mill. The female showed all the trauma and fearfulness common to recovering mill dogs, spending most of her time making herself into as small a ball as possible in the corner of a soft, cozy kennel. The male, who had loved the busy environment of the humane society, needed to be center of attention 24/7. I had them both at the vet one day and the vet examined the female while I walked out with the male so he could be weighed. The vet said that the heart rate of the female soared when the male came back in the room, and suggested that some of her stress behaviors might be due to him. Not long after that I had to rush the female to the vet and apparently didn’t secure the male’s kennel properly. We returned to a kitchen that had been remodeled by teeth and claws. We were lucky that the bookshelf he had torn apart hadn’t toppled over on him. . . Fortunately, his picture was still on the HS page and a family with an active dog and a farm wanted to adopt him. The female stayed with me. Foster fail <3. A year later someone left a 10 year old male Sheltie in a "no questions asked" overnight dropoff at another HS. I sometimes wonder if that was actually an act of love because he needed so much dental work they might not have been able to afford. After the initial shock of being a Sheltie deprived of his family, he warmed up to our pack. He became the cuddle bug that the female Mini-Aussie hadn't yet learned to be, and taught her to dog(chase squirrels, bark alerts, empty KONG toys of peanut butter, snuggle with humans). For six years he has been her Emotional Assistance animal, and her guide dog now that most of her sight is gone. She adores him. He tolerates her. He is nearing the Rainbow Bridge and I don't know how she (or I) will cope without him. Every so often I silently bless the person who let him go, because he has made so much possible for my recovering Mill girl, and for me. Bless you all who have had the wisdom and strength to give a beloved animal a chance at a(n even) better life.
Kari says
8 years ago I went through an amicable divorce. We had rescued 3 awesome dogs but it was always understood that Karma a Husky mix was my heart dog. Of course my husband loved her too but she had to come with me. I moved 1300 miles away with Karma & she was the rock that got me through a lot of tough times. Not long into the move she started having severe separation anxiety. Luckily doggie daycare & a rescued feline companion took care of it for a year. Once my lease was up & I moved to a new apartment the separation anxiety returned and she just didn’t seem as happy in or new neighborhood. I decided to take a trip home with Karma so she could see her brothers who still lived with my ex. Seeing how happy she was to be truly home just killed me. Luckily my ex was happy to welcome her back & she lived her remaining years truly happy. Letting her go was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I did it for her & I would do it again. I’ll never have a dog like her again & I miss her everyday.
Maria says
Not rehoming so much as returning. Last summer I adopted a sweet young dog. I was told she had mild resource guarding and that she should be fed in her crate. Fast forward 8 days to me, trapped in a corner of my bedroom unable to move without being growled and snapped at. Mild resource guarding of food had escalated into resource guarding of food, toys, and physical space. She was also extremely protective of her body, and without a yard, I risked a bite every time I picked up her leash to take her outside , and she proved that she had very little bite inhibition and was willing and able. $300 worth of consultations with trainers and a veterinary behaviorist, I dropped my super sweet dog back off at the shelter, feeling physically and emotionally ill. I had been told that with so many bites on her record, I had a long, expensive journey ahead of me, and with limited finances and time I did not feel capable of preventing the bite that would send someone to the hospital. I made the right choice for me and her, but it still brings tears to my eyes a year later
CatG says
Rehoming is the reason I have my German shepherd. She didn’t work out in the original home, was returned to the breeder, and then found the perfect place with me. I am grateful every day when original owners make this very caring choice. I have rehomed two dogs, one that couldn’t be potty trained and suffered trying to hold it all day while I worked, went to a home with a doggy door and garden to play/potty in. And the other was so unhappy in our super busy household he got depressed for months and literally broke a window to escape, he went to live with adults in a calm household, and is in touch with the dog’s breeder to this day. If it’s about the animal’s best interest, it can be the best choice for them.
Pamela McQuade says
We had to rehome one of our bassets, who could not get along with our blind basset. Though he lost his sight while she was with us, she never figured out that he did not disobey her commands (she was very alpha) because he wanted to–he couldn’t see them! I always rode herd on her to keep her from doing serious harm, but when I became ill and had to go into the hospital/rehab for a couple of months, my husband couldn’t deal with her constant attacks on our blind dog. We agreed to have a friend foster her until I was well.
The “foster” folks loved her, and she helped their dog get past the death of their second dog. They told us their living dog would have died without her. She simply chose to stay in her new home, and since I had a long recovery, that seemed a good idea on both sides. It took me a long time to agree to approach her rescue with the idea that she should stay there and they should do an adoption.
I will always feel somewhat guilty, because I had always taken in difficult dogs (due to age or health issues usually). I never gave up on one of the dogs we adopted. But it was so obviously the dog’s choice, that I had to give in. Sometimes they just know when they are home, and it wasn’t here. I kind of wish we’d figured things out earlier in her life, but I will always miss her and feel bad about letting her go, though it was to the perfect situation.
Andy says
Julie Bynum – in case nobody has already said this to you, thank you for making this effort. I am very aware of the challenges shelters are facing right now, and many members of the current cohort of shelter workers are not used to the euth practices of the past and find them very traumatizing. I recognize this is a hardship for you and you deserve respect for what you are doing. (And I should add, if at some point you’re unable to continue caring for this dog, I would definitely understand. I’ve rehomed myself in similarly difficult circumstances).
Also to anyone who is fostering right now, thank you! It helps open spaces up at the shelters so people in need have a place to go and shelter workers can continue caring for animals they are bonded to. Tough situation all around and you are very much doing your part to help out.
Ann says
A family nearby here rehomed my Griffen, a Patterdale terrier, to me 6 years ago. They got him as a companion for a young son with behavioral issues, but Griffen couldn’t get along with the dog they already had, a little old Pomeranian. He attacked her once and damaged her eye because their food bowls were too close together. The family tried really had to make it work, keeping them separated, even going so far as to keep him in a little play pen that he could roll around in, but he had stress hot spots. Clearly the situation wasn’t good for anyone involved, so I adopted him from them. He still has reactivity issues but he’s much happier as an only dog.
Megan O'Connor says
I live with a difficult (as in, life is difficult for her) border collie. I have loved her and worked with her for seven years. Currently, it seems best for her to stay with me, and we do have a strong bond, but many things contribute to an animal’s wellbeing. If I feel any remorse, it’s for not looking hard enough to find a better home early on, when her issues began to emerge; I felt so determined to fix things for her. I wish rehoming were easier to discuss. Thank you — as ever — for your honesty, and I’m sorry for the loss of Polly <3
Kelly Sand says
I rehomed a mini poodle that I had adopted from a breeder. I contacted the breeder and told her about the problems I was having, and she said that she was ok with me finding a new home for her but she didn’t offer to take the dog back. I adored this little dog but found her very hard to live with. No matter what I did to try to keep her busy and stimulated, she would look out the window and bark constantly whenever I wasn’t paying attention to her. She would go to the door to go outside like every 5 minutes, and if I didn’t get there fast enough she would pee on the floor. If I took a shower, she would poop on the floor. I had to crate her a lot just to keep my sanity. I never did manage to housebreak her even after she was 2 years old. She would also randomly pee on our beds. It just got to be too much. I went to many training classes with her including agility, and asked trainers for advice, but I just wasn’t getting anywhere. I contacted a poodle rescue and they told me that I just wasn’t cut out to be a poodle owner. They found a new home for her with other poodles to play with and an experienced owner. I see pictures of her on facebook taking vacations to Cape Cod with her little poodle siblings and having a marvelous time. I don’t feel guilty for rehoming her because I know she is happy and cared for, but I do miss her and feel sad about it still. She was affectionate, loyal, adorable, and just so gentle and silly. Giving her up was so heartbreaking, that after that experience I’ve only had cats.
Alison says
When my beloved Aussie died of cancer I adopted a “teenage” Aussie. I knew he had not had adequate socialization, but believed this could be remedied (I had been successful in the past). Progress was made until one day I received a call at work from my boyfriend. He proudly told me how he had confined Obie to a crate, sprayed vinegar in his eyes and punched him in the face with a gloved hand “to see how hard he would bite”. That was the end. I secretly arranged to move out of state taking 2 dogs and 5 cats. Sadly, the trauma was too much for Obie and he started showing intense fear of tall men. At this point I was living with a tall man in CT. Although I had lots of help from a professional trainer it was clear the new family situation was not happy. I spent months looking for a new home for Obie. Finally I found a gentle man who lived on a small farm in RI. I cried all the way driving home. I got updates on his progress. Obie was getting along with the other animals there and was learning to heard goats! I still miss him but after a year I stopped communication. It was time. I had made the right decision in letting him go.
Pat says
I had to rehome a rescue dog I had for 3 years after a year of trying failed to end fighting between two of my dogs (and I am a professional trainer.) The dog went to a wonderful home with an adoring new owner. Rehoming an animal is so often a painful gesture of love. People who have not had to face the decision should think twice about judging those of us who have been there.
Dixie says
A “forever home” can be a forever prison. Giving an unhappy pet, or honestly a pet who makes its owner unhappy on a regular basis, a new home where it will be loved and appreciated for who it is — that is a gift. Thanks for writing this.
Kaye wickenberg says
Very timely article for us. Just last Friday while riding our bikes in a very rural area we found a 7/8 week old black kitten in a tree. She was very friendly and came right to us purring. Liked being held. A real treasure. No fleas, seemed well fed. There were no nearby houses so John wrapped her up in an extra shirt and rode the 6 miles back home with this little sweetie in his lap. No fussing. She slept and peeked out now and then. We loved her immediately!
Our older indoor/outdoor resident cat seemed fine with her. Our border collie loves cats so he liked this one. Only problem with starting out with a new kitten is that we are in our late 70s and just don’t think we could be a forever home,
She is just the right age to be adopted, and so tractable that we decided to take her toHAWS no kill shelter in Waukesha. It’s best for the kitten. The people there loved her too and felt she’d be homed in less than a week after being spayed,
We still second guess our decision but know it was best
Cindy k Jensen says
I just want to say that anyone who loves animals like you and myself would know how heartbreaking it is to rehome an animal, but to do so may be what is best for the animal and not necessarily for ourselves. It is an act of love in itself to do so. Thank you for putting Nellie’s needs first.
Hali says
You make the point of not just, “Is this the right animal for me?” but also, “Is my home the right home for this animal?” I think sometimes we get animals not because we are the final home, but because we know someone who will be the right home for them. It’s not a failure if they don’t work out, it’s just not the right fit. It’s also important to see how they fit in with the other animals. My brother got a Bench Leg Beagle as a companion to his older, more relaxed Beagle. “She’s ANTELOPING all over the furniture!” She stayed with me for a while and now she lives her best life running circles around her BFF Clyde, a 90 lb. Pittie-mix. Waggy tails all around. 🙂
Donna Baker says
Trisha, thank you for sharing this story and for doing what was right for Nellie and what would make her life happiest, as painful as it was for you. I have always been in awe of your willingness to be honest and open about the difficult choices you’ve made, even when you knew they might lead to pushback from others. I am thinking specifically of that blog post from 2010 in which you wrote about your decision to rehome the puppy Hope. At that time, I was working as an Adoption Manager for a dog rescue organization and had been involved with that group since 1994 both as a volunteer and employee. Rescue folks, as you no doubt know, can be a pretty unforgiving breed, prone to harsh criticism of people who give up their pets. Sadly, I too had internalized many of those attitudes during my rescue career, but all that changed when I read about Hope and realized how your heart-wrenching decision was based on what was truly best for both Willie and the puppy, rather than relying on some blind conviction that once you had acquired the puppy, it would be heresy to rehome him. Without a doubt, that blog post profoundly changed my own perspective on people who give up dogs or cats. It helped me move from a rather narrow and somewhat judgmental viewpoint regarding surrendering/rehoming pets to a more compassionate, realistic, and open-minded understanding of why sometimes (not always, of course) it’s not such a bad thing. I was a much better Adoption Manager (and I have been a much better person) once I gained that greater understanding and I have always credited your Hope story for helping me see the light. There will always be people who callously give up their pets for inappropriate reasons, but thankfully there will also be people (like you and many who have posted here) who rehome because it’s in the best interest of the animal.
Irene Stoller says
I used to look down on people who rehomed dogs or cats. Not terribly, but I thought it was nothing I would ever do. Then I got Midge, a dog I eventually called an “incompetent dominant” dog. She was a friend’s dog and he was going through a very rough time in his life. She was young and had a good herding pedigree and was charming. I saw her as my next herding prospect. Geordie, however, thought differently. She was the queen of the house and saw absolutely no reason to have additional competition around. They fought whenever they had the chance. We worked hard to manage their interactions. It was incredibly tiring and the truth was that neither Midge nor Geordie was happy. And when there was a fight, the other dogs would plow in on Geordie’s side. No one was ever badly hurt, but we were scared. We put up different runs and constantly managed the dogs to see that they were apart. For six months, we had no trouble. Whew. Then one day someone left the garage door open and the two went looking for each other. That was the last straw. This was no way for them or us to live. I found a home for Midge where she got on well with the other dogs. She is now an old dog who got to live a much better life than she ever had at our house. It hurt my pride a little to acknowledge that but it is true. Sometimes the kindest thing is to know when to rehome.
Liz Shaw says
I got a Maremma as a pup who was my second in command livestock guardian dog. When we moved he was about 3. He never really bonded with the sheep and LOVED people and other dogs but he did his job. That winter he started barking at night – all night long about nothing in particular. He started guarding things from the other dog and sheep and he would suddenly pin the other dog to the ground for seemingly no reason. The tension was super high in the barn. The people were tired of the barking. The sheep didn’t know what to make of him. The other dog was stressed by his behavior. He was off but a physical exam showed nothing. And he just seemed miserable being a guardian dog. We tried to change a lot of things and nothing seemed to improve.
He had never been evil towards people and he loved attention so finally I posted him as a potential pet. Along comes a woman who fell in love with him instantly. And he with her. She wanted a companion dog that got along with other dogs (he did with everyone, even the other guardian MOST of the time). So, after much soul searching I let him go after visiting her home.
A few days later he had a grand mal seizure. He was rushed to the vet and thus started the odyssey of veterinary investigation.
So it turns out he had a rare disease that caused calcium deficiency. When we had done his blood work, his calcium level had been a little bit low but deserving nothing more than a “hmmm”.
She has worked to get it all straightened out. He exhibits none of the odd behavior that now in retrospect I realize I could have recognized as petit mal if only I had been looking. He had probably had seizures in the barn, in the fields. He likely would be dead now from a major seizure if we hadn’t tried to rehome him because noone would have been around to see it. He is adored and happy and gets tons of love. His former sheep love their current guardian. And the guardian who remains is calmer and more relaxed. The people are not frazzled from the constant barking.
I have had several rescues and several pure breds over the years. I had never rehomed a dog and I agonized over this one. But he is a happier pet than working dog. He brings joy to everyone around him. And he is alive because of his owner’s determination to get to the bottom of the seizures. Sometimes we can’t provide, even in the best of circumstances what an animal needs. To keep it miserable because of some misguided sense of duty isn’t the answer. Even without the seizures he was luke warm about the whole guardian dog thing. The dog that remains LOVES his sheep and they him. Every creature involved is happier now.
Arleen says
The timing of this piece was just what I needed. I love Australian Terriers. When I lost my first one I was devastated. So four months later when I saw a 4 year old that was for sale from her breeder I jumped at the chance to have a dog in the house again. At then 71 I decided this was my last chance to have two dogs at once and to raise one last puppy. So 8 months later I got a male puppy from the same breeder. From the start despite all my careful planning and attempts to make things good for two dogs my 4 year old just didn’t like the puppy. They lived in tolerance of each other. The puppy at the age of 6 months started showing signs of being a reactive dog. Despite my working with him constantly ( my dogs are my life) he barked and lunged at other dogs, barked at windshield wipers and eventually every thing that moved. My two dogs would scuffle at times when he was reactive. In the fall when he turned 1, he began to show signs of allergies. I took him to the vet and they said he had allergies and started trying to find something that would work. After a few months I felt that the “allergies ” had an anxiety component to them. I asked the vet about this but they insisted that it was allergies. So we tried shots, etc.. I had him neutered at the end of April. From that time on his reactivity got so much worse, his “allergies” ( barking, spinning, and biting at his back legs) went on for long periods of time, and he and my now 6 year old had issues. Until finally one morning about a month later they had a serious fight ( with no trigger that I could see). He ended up on two legs and we had to put her out till she calmed down. I knew at that point that for the sake of both my dogs and my sanity I had to ask the breeder to take him back. I love him so much. It was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. Both my husband and I couldn’t sleep or eat for a week. I still cry when ever I think of him. I know he is safe and well cared for with his breeder and she is far more capable of helping him with his problems than I am. But having to give him up when I love him so much was heartbreaking. The breeder promises to keep in touch and so far hasn’t seen any signs of “allergies”. But I could relate so much to your situation. The last thing I wanted to do was give him up.
Pam Lemon says
We have had to make the heartbreaking decision to rehoming one of our dogs. After losing our female greyhound, we adopted Jack, a 6 month old greyhound, as a companion to Murphy, our other grey. All was fine for about a year, but there were a couple of nips Jack gave Murphy which required a few stitches. Then one day getting their food ready, Jack attacked Murphy, causing a horrible shoulder wound. They were separated for the long healing period, and Murphy didn’t want to be inside with Jack. We got a trainer in to work with Jack to bring them back together, following all of the advice and exercises, and the trainer finally decided they should be fine living together again. Murphy didn’t agree. He was clearly still afraid of Jack and never relaxed. We decided one of them needed to be rehomed for Murphy’s happiness. After much agonising, we decided that keeping Jack was the safest option, as we knew we could control Jack’s environment and interactions with other dogs, whereas sending him to a new home where there might be another incident could get him euthanased. Murphy quickly found a new home with a family who adored him and he had a gentle greyhound sister for company. It was one of the hardest times of my life, but in the end I know it was the best decision for both dogs, and the best conclusion to a horrible situation.
Trisha says
Donna, you made my day!
Zazie says
Thank you for sharing Nellie’s story. I never doubted that you would always do what is best for each of your pets. Sometimes the hardest decisions are the right ones. I’m sure that in sharing this you are helping many people to see that sometimes, rehoming is the best option. It’s lovely to see Nellie looking so comfortable in her new home.
Jeni Miller says
I’m not real sure where to start my comment, and I’m having a hard time typing as my tears bounce off the keyboard, but here goes… I ended up here on your website because I have a 5-year-old male Great Pyrenees/Border Collie and a 4-year-old male Great Pyrenees (The Bigs). I’ve been their mom since they were each 9 weeks old. For the past 4 years, these boys have been inseparable and loved each other as well as their little brothers, my two 15-year-old Pomeranians (The Littles). Unfortunately late last summer I lost both of The Littles within 50 days of each other. Also within the past year and a half, I became an empty nester as both of my children moved out on their own, and my daughter decided she wanted to enter adulthood without me, and became estranged. All of this turned my world upside-down, and inside-out. Although my heart was completely broken, The Bigs helped to soften that heartache as I struggled for months, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Just before Christmas I finally began to put the pieces of myself back together and began to accept the new normal in my life. I could finally get through an entire day without tears and I began to heal. That is, until February when The Bigs had a fight with each other and my home life has been upside-down, and inside-out again ever since. Without going into all the details, I have spent the past 4 months keeping The Bigs separated, talking to our vet, a few trainers, and a few behaviorists, and spent every waking hour reading and learning and trying everything to bring My Bigs back together again. We have learned that the aggressor (the youngest Pyr) suffers from anxiety, and now separation anxiety so much so that he’s spent the last 4 months going to work with me every day because he can no longer stay with his brother, and can’t stay alone. Unfortunately, a little over 2 weeks ago there was a negative incident at my work and he can no longer go there with me. In the meantime, I have been working from home, but that can’t continue forever. I have continued talking to our vet, trainers, and some behaviorists, and reading and learning and trying everything to conquer the aggressor’s anxieties and reactivity and bring The Bigs back together again, but unfortunately I don’t have adequate help in the home that I trust to help me. So I am currently struggling with making a decision on whether or not to rehome my youngest big boy. My heart is breaking again, and I’ve already lost so much, I don’t know if I’d make it through losing him too, but things can’t continue as they are, I have to make a decision. I apologize for my long-winded comment, but after reading your story today I felt compelled to respond, and I’ve really only given you the cliff notes. Thank you for attempting to help me feel like rehoming is not a bad thing. The timing of your post and the circumstances I find myself in right now collided for a reason. Thank you for giving me one tiny piece of comfort, if even for just a few moments.
andrea thalasinos says
As a former Siberian Husky Rescue person, although I’ve not rehomed one of my own dogs, I have rehomed many others some of which came from desperate circumstances.
In December 2019 I brought home a 10-week old Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever (long story) I named Laddie. I had gone to visit him when he was 5-weeks old and saw his mom, Nikki whom I instantly fell in love with. Out of my mouth flew the words, (to my son’s horror) “if you ever find you need to place her in another home, would you please consider me. I would take her in second.” ( to which my son said, “Mom you said you never want a second dog again”) I was reluctant to say this, didn’t want to insult the breeder who works in Veterinarian medicine by offering to take her dog. Her dogs were well-loved and care for and she looked at me in a surprised way and I WAS afraid I’d insulted her. Well–two years later, she texted me and said she was thinking of finding a home for Nikki–she was a finished show champion, had her last litter and it broke her heart, but she knew she couldn’t devote the time to Nikki that she once had. She was showing her other five Tollers, doing field trials, working full time and just couldn’t do it any longer. I got in my car and drove to South Dakota to pick her up, and I could see the anguish and sadness on her face but she knew knew Nikki would be happier with me at this point in her life, living with her son, Laddie. I felt her grief at handing over the leash over to me. I sent her photos, got Nikki her Canine Good Citizen, went through Pet Partners Therapy Dog program, we passed with flying colors and now Nikki and I are a registered Therapy dog team and she LOVES it!! The woman who let her go knew that she loved this dog enough (her first Toller) to know she needed another kind of home. I think rehoming a dog can be an ultimate act of love, not failure as often how people feel. I still send Melanie photos of Nikki and hopefully she and her husband will come to Madison this summer to visit and stay with us!!
Jackie says
My parents did the ‘wrong dog’ thing. They were no spring chickens and they bought a border colliexflatcoat because they thought it would be similar to their previous dog, a Labrador xbeardie. Well, Sally had been calm, gentle and ridiculously easy to train. Sophie was the opposite, a mouthy whirlwind that they couldn’t handle at all and who terrified the grandchildren. At that time we weren’t in a position to take on a puppy, and by chance my dad found an agility person who was looking for a young dog. My parents were heartbroken but I’m sure Sophie had a much happier life. And a year or so later my parents bought a nice but dim Labrador who lived to 14 and was no trouble at all.
We, on the other hand, have done the opposite. Some friends took on an adult dog with known SA. At the time they were in a good position to look after him. Two years later and for reasons beyond their control they had moved to a city centre flat and we’re both having to work full time to pay the bills. The dog was very unhappy, as were the neighbours. Our household is three adults that are all either retired or working from home, and we live in the countryside… the dog is now very happy again. (And we have even made some progress on the SA issues.)
Kaari says
It sounds like you made the absolutely best decision for Nellie. No family or home can provide every possible scenario, and some pets just need something different from what a home can provide. We are the lucky recipients of another family’s loving their dog enough to do the hard thing and rehome her. Staghound littermates Kaja and Potter (and their brother) were coyote hunters rescued by a local sighthound rescue. We adopted super-timid Kaja, and her sister Potter went to a family with a couple other dogs. After a few months, Potter’s owner contacted us to ask us how Kaja was doing. We said she was coming out of her shell and doing great. They said Potter was not doing so well-it turns out that, even though she was much less timid than Kaja when the girls were rescued, she is extremely sound sensitive and was struggling to live with an active family in a busy suburb. We got the girls together at a dog park and while they trotted happily around together we talked with Potter’s owners, and eventually decided that (as hard as it would be for her family to give her up), a life with a couple boring old people who lived in the country might be better for Potter. Now, 3 years later, she’s happily roaching next to me on the couch in the coveted “snuggle spot” that she and Kaja take turns occupying. She loves walking (leashed) on our wooded 10 acres, but still sometimes “statues” or flat-out refuses to go to the trail around the park near us if she’s unusually anxious or it’s loud (which is totally fine with us; some days she just needs a chill walk at home). The rare times things get loud (thunder or some dumb neighbor with fireworks), she quietly heads downstairs to her “bunker,” a memory-foam-and-blanket padded corner of a closet. Her boldness for greeting new people gives her sister Kaja more confidence, and Kaja’s calm indifference to noise helps Potter cope when she can’t access her bunker. Her first family loved her dearly but were thoughtful and brave enough to realize that anxious, sound-sensitive Potter just needed a different setting…and my husband and Kaja and I are thrilled to be that setting!
JMM says
As hard as it is, you did the right thing. No question.
I have a greyhound who is an excellent hunter of small rodents and she’s very disappointed she’s not found a single one in our yard yet this year. I don’t want to rehome her, but we’d love to come for a visit. 🙂
Kathy says
Rehoming is a very hard decision. But it is also possibly a great gift to the pet.
I’ve rehomed two pets. One was a dog that I aquired from my friend when she was going through a divorce. She was a stay at home Mom, so Cody was used to people being around all the time. My husband and I worked. But, I worked with Cody, he fit in with my other dogs and the household. I took him with me to the barn, he went on trail rides with me. But as the years wore on he stopped obeying me. He would look me right in the eye and just go on and do what he wanted. He started marking in the house, I could t trust him to come when called. I don’t know where the break down in our relationship was. I had him checked by the vet to make sure there was not an underlying condition. After a lot of agonizing I contacted my friend and told her I needed to re-home him. He obviously was not happy. We found a wonderful home for him in a busy household. The best indicator that I had made the right decision was when after about a year the people who adopted him came by with him, he got out of the truck, said hi and made it clear by not spending a lot of time with me, that I was no longer his person
The same thing happened with the cat I rehomed, when I visited her, she interacted with me, but she obviously was happy in her new home.
She was rehomed because she was being constantly bullied by a couple of my other cats. (I didn’t know then what I know now about these things.) I watched her world become smaller and smaller (Indoor cat) and being confined and separated to protect her. She went to a friend and lived a long loved life.
Rehoming was a gift I gave to these animals I loved because they were obviously unhappy and no matter how much I loved them I couldn’t make them happy
Lesly says
We didn’t so much re-home one cat as have her decide to re-home herself. She was cat 5, rescued from a house used for drugs. She was fine with the dogs, but didn’t like being 1 of 5 cats. She spent more time at our neighbours and then moved in completely. When we moved, we went round to check they were OK about keeping her and they were upset that we thought they weren’t looking after her and would take her from them. We had no intention of taking her from somewhere she was very loved and happy. Before that I had rung around talking to rescues agonising about what to do. For the first time, I felt that we had an animal who wasn’t happier with us. On the other hand, we have just taken in a family member’s cat after a marriage break up and our eldest daughter has taken in the other one. We had done this previously and couldn’t had loved Rio more. I still miss her. It’s all about what’s best for the animal and sometimes, sadly, that isn’t you.
Monika @ Tails Around the Ranch says
Having had to rehome a beloved pet myself, I totally empathize with your decision. I applaud you for knowing what was best to the kitty, just as I knew what was best for Finn (PTSD he could not overcome from previous owners who lost him at a national park where he was forced to fend for himself for better than a week and living in the city with too many triggers to the PTSD). Knowing he would do better I heartbrokenly returned him to the rescue from where he came and they welcomed him back with bells and eventually found the perfect home for him in a rural area with a donkey as a companion. It was the right thing to do for him and that’s what mattered most. Bravo, Pat!
Gayle says
But what about the mice and rats?!!!
I did not realize what a worker my cat had been until she passed away. I now have a boat load of mice traps in the basement – I can not figure out how they get in!! And bunnies all over my yard that I never had when my cat was alive. She certainly earned her keep!!!
I know your heart hurts but what a generous and selfless thing to do for your cat!! Glad she settled in to her new surroundings so quickly!!!!
Trisha says
Gayle, you are so correct about the critters. Our yard looks like a Disney movie on steroids, with chipmunks line dancing on the rock wall, squirrels applauding from the trees, and bunnies gettting busy under the bushes. There’s a reason that cats were semi-domesticated as soon as we humans started storing grain!
Jeni Miller says
I commented on this post earlier this week. After re-reading my comment, I’m curious if anyone might have a suggestion or two for me? Maybe I shouldn’t be posting this question here, and if so I apologize, I’m just a tad confused and stuck with all of the information available out there. I just love my Pyrs and have hit a road block, so to speak. Thanks for reading… Jeni
Tonya Allen says
Thank you for sharing this. I have always admired your courage and willingness to discuss difficult personal experiences with animals so that others can have a chance to reflect and find solace or even solutions.
I’ll go out on a limb and say that everyone reading and commenting feels a strong commitment to the animals in their lives. We do not dump a dog for barking, or a cat for not using the litterbox. We are determined to be true to our commitment to every animal we bring into our households. We try our utmost to fit in everyone’s needs and issues without sacrificing anyone else’s well-being, except, often, our own. We try everything, not just once, but two or three times. If it becomes clear, finally, that it is not a solvable situation and that someone will have to be rehomed, we feel a deep sense of failure, because we could not honor the commitment we made to that animal.
But, since we devote the same effort to making sure the new home is the best fit possible, chances are excellent that the rehoming will turn out to be the start of a long, happy life for the animal and their new family.
We may still feel guilty, because we still “failed,” but from the point of view of the rehomed animal and our own household, we did the right thing. Those who were unhappy, are happier now.
It’s heart-wrenching and exhausting to go through this, but it’s better to make the decision to rehome, than to regret that you didn’t.
Thank you for the lovely photos of Skip. 🙂
Melanie Hawkes says
Your posts have amazing timing. This time last week I was thinking (again) it was time to rehome Upton. My neighbour got a new dog and Upton knows it’s there, and was setting off his reactivity after about a year of calm. And it’s winter here in Australia and he keeps toileting on my bricks as it’s too wet in the garden. I’m in a wheelchair and can’t clean it up straight away (so it stinks when left to dry). I know he’d be the perfect pet for someone in a quieter neighbourhood. But he enjoys the work he does for me, and I understand his needs (allergies, pain management and anxiety). I’d be happier (and richer) without him, but on the other hand, he allows me to live a more independent life by doing so many different tasks. I could apply for a new assistance dog, but after 2 failed dogs from the one organisation, I’m not keen.
I sent my first assistance dog back after 15 months. I thought I’d failed him, but he really wasn’t the right dog for me. It broke my heart, but also gave me space to breathe and relax again as I wasn’t constantly managing his needs (he had lots, but the worst was a fear of shiny floors).
One of my nurses at the time loved my first Lab so much that she got herself a puppy. But having found out she was pregnant with her second child and had a toddler, she knew she couldn’t give this active Lab the time he needed. I convinced my parents to puppy-raise this puppy, and that’s how I got Happy, my second assistance dog. I’m forever grateful she gave him up and I was able to give him a good life. He developed noise phobias after 5 years as my service dog and had to retire. He’s lived a long and quiet retirement in the country with my uncle. He turned 14 last month!
Upton has had much better days since last weekend, so we’ll stick together for the foreseeable future. I know how rehoming can benefit all parties, but I’m not ready to start from scratch with a new dog just yet.
Alice R. says
It has taken me this long to add my story because although I knew I had no other choice, the reactions of others made rehoming so painful. My pup came to me from a well meaning breeder who had some life changes and did not socialize her except for the occasional person who came to her isolated farmette. I met my pup at 12 weeks and picked her up at 14. She was wicked smart, responsive and loved training. The first week at my house, she growled at a toddler who was about 12 feet away. Two weeks later at 4 mos she began with escalating reactivity to people anywhere, parks or shopping centers at huge distances (even though we had done so frequently seeming to her pleasure), any hallway we had to go down even if people were 25 feet or more away. She had had no bad experiences, but was clearly not having any strangers around her, and being so smart figured out immediately that if she did a Cujo imitation people would draw back. I firmly believe you work with the dog you have, bought all of your relevant books, as well as many others, worked with a trainer and my vet and made no progress. She also developed separation anxiety, and so could not be left alone or taken with me. She was supposed to be my go everywhere pup as I was spending a great deal of time doing elder care. All the elderly parents were dying to love her, but carefully followed my instructions. Her first visit to my mother she ran right up to her and jumped in her lap, the other parents she did manage to ignore. I had been working with my breeder, trainer, and vet, and it was soon the consensus that she would not be able to succeed in my household. I concurred with great sadness: I felt, in spite of all assurance, that I had failed her, ruined a puppy, and was losing my dog as painfully and surely as if she had died. I returned her to the breeder by way of her partner as she was out of town for the day. The drive was 5 hours away and we met in the middle. Her reaction to being placed with him was so horrible that the breeder called me as soon as she heard about it to reassure me that she had remembered him and settled in a short while after leaving. I thought nothing could be worse until I had to share my news with family. My sister and one of my children erupted in anger and blame and made the situation so much worse repeatedly. I would go back again and again to read what you had written about rehoming, and checked with the breeder often on how she was doing. She’s thriving in the breeders home where she can leave for a protected yard whenever someone comes over if she wishes too. She has a very few people she likes (she’s 9 now), but prefers not to meet anyone. She loves the puppies and has appointed herself corrector of bad behaviors. I miss her still, but have no doubt that I did the right thing for her and me. If I could add anything here it is the absolute knowledge that nurture, counter conditioning, and training cannot overcome every difficulty, and that the way others react can made a very difficult situation worse.
Trisha says
Alice R: Thank you so much for sharing your heartbreaking story. I am sure you will help many others with it. What breaks my heart especially is the reaction of your family. I hope they have settled down and have gotten some perspective on how you did the brave and noble thing, the one that you knew would cause YOU the most pain, all because you loved your girl more than you loved your comfort and security. You are a hero in my eyes. All I can end with is that this too shall pass. I adopted a BC, from an elderly deaf man, who was going to cause truly very very serious trouble (the dog, not the man!). My dogs hated him. HATED him. I found him a home, also with a breeder, who had the exact same kind of set up. Lots of dog company, a job as a puppy raiser. The dog thrived, and yet I felt just awful. I know, better than I did then, what a kind and generous thing it was to do.
Deborah Mason says
A lifetime ago I had a cockatiel. It was a happy bird, whistling & singing, until my cat started persecuting it. She would sit on top of the cage (since she couldn’t get into it). Gradually he started losing all interest in life, only moving to the water or food dishes as needed and not moving otherwise. I realized my cat was killing him without ever touching him. I gave him to a coworker and within a week he was happy again. He quickly learned to wolf whistle when they were getting dressed. It was the best thing I could have done for him.
Susan Hamilton says
It’s been seventeen months since I rehomed my smart, sensitive, exquisitely well-mannered, but fearful labradoodle. She was 2 years old when good friends, who knew her well and whose dog she adored, welcomed her into their home. I struggled for over a year with the decision because there was so much that was right between us and the 2 years we had together was spent learning so much, working alongside vet, trainer and behaviourist. But I knew that I had become super vigilant and pretty fearful myself, scanning the environment for things that would alarm her (the classics, but also a bit of iron on the beach, a bucket where it wasn’t yesterday, a short woman with curly hair) that we had developed a seriously dysfunctional loop of anxiety between us. She preferred dogs to people, dogs to new places, dogs to new experiences, especially the dog my friends lived with. So: now she lives with them. And her dog friend has become a kind of emotional therapy dog for her, who will walk shoulder-to-shoulder with her if the walk is scary. Everyone is happy. After a year apart, I cautiously went to see her and the moment was wonderfully humbling. Though I had spent the year feeling sad, ashamed, and guilty, she was SO over me!! She gave me a good sniff, looked me kindly in the eyes, then went and lay down next to her person. When I see her in the park these days with her new family, she runs to me with affectionate recognition, which brings me great joy, and I marvel at her beauty and her happiness. I have been deeply fortunate in that no one gave me a hard time, my doggy friends having watched me work hard and patiently for those two years. I am deeply grateful for that, deeply grateful that my dog is in a world wherein she thrives, but nonetheless will always feel a deep regret that we were not meant to be together.
Sharon says
I am currently the guardian to two senior cats who had to be rehomed when their former guardian went into a nursing home. I know it was incredibly difficult for her, and she knew there was no other choice. I promise everyone that I love them very much and give them the best life I can. They love me, too. I still send photos two years on.
Susan says
When my friend Ruth learned she had terminal cancer, I agreed to take in her elderly Siamese cat when the time came. Fawn, at 14, bonded with me and became quite playful. My cat Jade and I moved in with Ruth temporarily to help out and I saw that the two cats did not get along AT ALL. Back at my house, I tried for months to make it work but my cat was stressed and Fawn could be a bit of a bully with her. When I searched for another home, a couple offered to take her in. They had just lost a beloved elderly Siamese, and their other cat (also Siamese) was desolate. Fawn and her new “boyfriend” bonded right away and my Jade cat happily went back to being an “only.” It was hard for me to think of breaking a promise made to my friend, but we all ended up relieved and grateful and in a better place.