Is it possible to apologize to a dog? I’m not sure there is an answer to that question. But I wish there was, and I’d love to have a discussion about it. Here’s what got me thinking about apologies to friends who don’t understand all the intricacies of human language:
Last week I was working Skip on something he’s struggled with– driving the sheep in a straight line, say at a 45 degree angle, as if toward ten o’clock on a clock face. This is relatively easy if the sheep are happy to go in that direction.
The challenge is when the sheep want, badly, to move at a 90 degree angle, toward, perhaps, eight o’clock. Skip, reading the pressure, wants to flank around to the front of the sheep (“overflanking”), which stops the sheep, and ends up creating frustrated sheep, frustrated dogs, and frustrated handlers. Dogs do it because they read the pressure, and are afraid they’ll lose control of the sheep. This way, in their minds at least, they can say “I’ve got ’em!” But it also means that you can’t really move them where you want them to go. We’ve been working on him getting comfortable riding the pressure like a surfer rides a wave, and he’s been doing really well, thanks to some lessons from Samantha Jones.
So, last week, I was asking Skip to drive the sheep into a small pasture that’s angled to the right of us. The sheep want to go hard left. The best I’ve been able to do previously is to stop him from over flanking by saying Lie Down, but that’s far from ideal. Better would be Skip walking steadily forward, pushing just enough on the sheep’s shoulders to keep them moving in the right direction.
We’d gotten about half way to the gate when Skip started to flank around to the left, exactly in the way I didn’t want him to do. I said Lie Down! a bit grumpily, anticipating that Skip was going to keep flanking until he faced the sheep directly and stopping all forward movement. As the words came out of my mouth I realized he was slowing down himself, doing exactly what he needed to do to keep driving the sheep in the right direction. He was right, and I was wrong.
You could tell it threw him. Skip is super sensitive, and I’m as sure as sure can be that he thought he was doing the right thing, and then my tone of voice suggested it wasn’t. How could he not have been confused? We managed to get the sheep into the pasture with no elegance whatsoever, Skip reverting to his old ways and me feeling furious at myself.
I know. We all make mistakes. But, given how hard Skip and I have worked in the last month on this particular issue, and how well he’s been doing, this one felt larger than most.
I wanted to apologize. Actually, I did. I said, immediately, something like “Skip, you were right! I’m so sorry!” I flapped my hands in the air as we do when we’re communicating to another human, as if Skip would understand it meant that I knew I messed up and I was sorry. I doubt very much that Skip had a clue what I meant.
Or, did he? Does anyone remember a study that found that dogs behaved as if they understand the difference between being stepped on by mistake versus something less benevolent? And of course, we know about the studies of primatologists, who have found numerous examples of reconciliation and consolation in apes who were previously in conflicts. But reconciliation is not the same, exactly, as an apology, and dogs are not primates.
It doesn’t seem out of the question that something akin to a human apology exists in dogs. Domestic dogs are hyper-social, being one of the most social species on earth. As highly social animals, they have an elaborate and nuanced system of visual communication. Many of their postures–I’m thinking appeasement here, are not dissimiliar to the visual signals we humans give to others. But, appeasement is not an apology. Or is it? Or, at least, could it be some of the time?
So, can we apologize to dogs, in a way that is meaningful to them? (Please do not tell me that you’ve never had to apologize to your dog.) I have wanted to do so before when I make a mistake working the dogs on sheep, or when I’ve inadvertently run into one of them, or stepped on a paw. Usually, I’ve said something like “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do that…,” or, “You were right! Sorry!” Did they understand? No idea!
I’d LOVE to hear what you have to say about this, or any research you know of that would shed light on the issue. With the irony noted, my apologies to you all that I haven’t spent more time on this, research wise, but today I’m on catch up with the weeds and the dog exercises and my exercises and the endless emails and the messy house . . . after a great fun sheepdog trial this last weekend.
MEANWHILE, back on the farm: First off, my mistake working Skip did not seem to cause any long term harm this last weekend. Skip ran in the Land of Lincoln Sheepdog Trial in Illinois last weekend, and his driving was spot on. We didn’t get great scores, but both of his drives were gorgeous, and that’s what we’ve been working on. If you’re interested, here’s his run (six minutes), video taped by Jim:
He did a good outrun but overflanked at the end (lost 2/20 points), had to compensate on the lift but did his usual lovely, quiet lift and had a really nice fetch through the fetch gates. The drive, the part we’ve struggled with in the past, was really nice. It starts at minute 3, and ends at about 4:50 (note in the middle he moves the sheep just behind the fetch panels, just exactly where he should be). He did overflank at around 2:34 (the pressure in that direction was extremely strong, the sheep could see other sheep on another field), but we got through it and had a 25/30 point outrun, our best ever. I messed up at the pen, argh! Beginner’s mistake (should have aimed the sheep for the gate, not the opening to it), but overall I was really happy with him.
We did okay in the second run, another nice drive, but he had trouble lifting the sheep, who had their heads down on a pile of a bushel’s worth of corn, and so ran out of time and got no drive points. So, we have our marching orders. I need to work on penning, he needs to learn how to get sheep whose heads are lost in a pan of grain going. I’ve started working on that already. What matters most is that we both had fun and I think I can speak for him that we feel more and more like great partners every time to compete.
Miss Maggie is doing well! She actually got to be off leash for brief periods of time this weekend, two and a half weeks after surgery. In some situations she looks READY TO RUMBLE, but we noticed that when Skip tried his usual D’head body slamming to get her to play, before I could stop him, she got quieter. She has a week and a half before she’s totally recovered, so we’re being slow and cautious, even though she swears she is ready to play tug games with Skip in the living room. Patience my sweet, patience.
Here are the two at the trial grounds, Maggie taking her first off leash walk ever. Whee!
Skip’s news is that we finally got a Chilly Buddy vest for him, and it makes a huge difference, on his exterior anyway. The company claims that the vest, by deflecting the sun’s rays, can decrease the coat temperature from 143 degrees to 103 on a 90 degree day. I could easily feel a difference when I put my hand on his head versus his back under the vest. What I don’t know is how that translates to an internal temperature.
I’ve reached out to the company with that very question, and got a call back within a few minutes. Impressive. I spoke to Mr. Leandro Monteiro who told me that they’d never done that research, but now that I asked, was intrigued by the question. Right now it looks like all the data is based on coat temperature and behavior–Leandro’s own agility dog used to seek the shade, but with the vest on was happy to stay in the sun. I can say that Skip looked much cooler–tongue shorter, less panting–than he normally would have on this exceptionally hot and humid day at a friend’s last week.
Our yard continues to look like an Animal Planet extravaganza, with chipmunks, squirrels, and rabbits cavorting at every hour. All of these creatures can cause us a massive amount of harm, especially in winter and early spring, but we still are enjoying the show. Mostly we are reveling in the bird life now that we have feeders up. Here’s a Rose-breasted Grosbeak illustrating how he got his name.
I’ll end with a day lily, adorned with its picturesque stamens, joined by some black oil sunflower seeds at the flower’s base that fell out of the feeder!
But so . . . Your turn. Can we apologize to dogs in a way that is meaningful to them? Have you tried? When? Why?
I leave you with no apologies for my wish that you have a kind and loving day, and that no matter what is happening in your life, there is something you can be grateful for.
Diane says
This is interesting.
If you apologize, does that mean you are feeling guilty about something? You accidentally caused harm either physically or emotionally.
Can dogs read your guilt when supposedly they do not experience guilt?
I don’t know.
I apologize to my dog and have always apologized to my dogs throughout the years when I perceive I may have caused them some type of harm.
It certainly helps me feel better. And as long as the relationship between us is established, I usually get a response from my dog that makes me feel my apology was recognized and even accepted. (Paw lift, nuzzle for pets.) Of course, if you are apologizing at a distance while working your dog such as you were, or, for me, when on an agility course, it’s more difficult to know if you were understood.
I speculate that since dogs offer appeasement behavior in their social groups, they can read it ours. Our “sorry”, or “my bad” or whatever phrase/tone used, might be viewed as a human form of a tail between the legs and our head lowered. Hmmm…maybe I should check my behavior next time I apologize (the head lowering part – tail wouldn’t be relevant!)
So Happy Maggie is on the mend!
Michelle says
Like Diane, I immediately thought of appeasement behavior between canines, and thought that might be understood as an “I’m sorry.”
Debby Gray says
I have stepped on and tripped over my 30 lbs Monty and always have apologized without even thinking about it. He seems to accept my, “Oh Monty I’m so sorry!” as I pet him. I think he expresses ” no harm done” by licking my hand.
He has no fear of getting under my feet even though I’ve tripped over him and stepped on a paw probably a dozen times in our four year relationship. I wonder if the apologies let him know I’m doing my best and don’t want to harm him…but I’m just a clumsy human!
Hali says
I think Skip needs a giant, red “S” on the back of his Chilly Buddy to give it the full super hero cape vibe. He looks very regal sitting there!
I always apologize whether they understand it or not. I like to think that they do understand our emotional intentions, as you pointed out about accidentally stepping on a foot. For more complex learning situations, it’s definitely harder. I was thinking about how Skip must have felt when you said, “Lie down!” as he’s working. “What? Now? This is a very inopportune time.”
I was also thinking about the MRI research Dr. Greg Berns has done, showing how a dog’s brain is similar to that of a toddler’s. But “Lie down!” would NOT work on a toddler.
So good that Maggie is on the mend!
Charlotte Kasner says
I thought that it was appeasement behaviour our part too. Even if we experience it as something more complex. dogs might read it as appeasement and thus similar to their own behaviour in similar social circumstances. I can’t see why social animals would not have a way of mitigating aggression for accidental injury for instance.
Heidi says
I have apologized to my dogs before. I run a pack of five terriers, and their pack antics sometimes make me lose my patience. I recently had this very dilemma of how to apologize to one of my male dogs. I was angry mostly at myself for losing my cool and becoming frustrated with a hormonal dog and some pack issues that escalated into a scuffle and a bite on another pack member. BUT after I apologized and agonized over MY behavior, I wondered if (as a terrier) he even cared! He was onto the next thing, the next big adventure, and had let my lack of patience slide right off his back. I was mostly angry at myself, and maybe that is to whom I should apologize. Maybe I just need to remind myself I am only human after all, and he is a dog and more forgiving than I am. Terriers often have “flare ups” in the pack, and they don’t ever seem to hold a grudge. If the pack leader has a bad day and a “flare up,” I hope the dogs can let that slide as well.
Ana M Schnellmann says
As always, a very thought-provoking post. Thank you! At a recent agility trial, I changed my mind in the middle of a run and called for a wrap instead of a switch which caused my dog to backjump. It was one of those “oh SO close!” runs. I apologized to my dog and went on with the run. While I don’t know if she read the apology for what it was, I think the simple act of offering an apology is a recognition that we handlers make mistakes, that sometimes (often!) the dog is doing what we’re asking them to do. In short, humility is necessary for learning and success, and perhaps the act of apologizing enhances that humility.
Stacey Gehrman says
We will never know for sure but I think they know an apology when they hear it from our tone of voice, and in some cases, our actions. We’ve all given a miscue or stepped on our dog. My Gillie would bark while looking over her shoulder if I miscued her in agility. She knew I was wrong lol.
Al says
So interesting. I apologise “sorry” to my GSD quite naturally on a regular basis, whether I drop something near her, bump into her, give her a too late or inappropriate cue, etc. She gives the impression of a degree of understanding. I say this from the point of view that I endeavour always to use the same terminology with her as we do with any communication in the interest of consistency. We also know (from your book “The Other End of the Leash”) that dogs are extremely sensitive to our tone of voice. I like to think and believe that “sorry”, said always with genuine sincerity rather just a ‘throw-away’, registers with them over time (like any cue used consistently) that, whatever it was that happened, we didn’t intend to be negative, cross, hurtful or whatever was the cause of our regret.
Deborah Mason says
One of our dogs is very sensitive. And, unlike a lot of dogs, he actually likes & welcomes hugs. When I apologize to him I tell him I’m sorry & open my arms & ask if he wants a hug. If he’s receptive, hell move in so I can wrap my arms around him. He’s a good sized mixed breed, about 70#.
Cathy Balliu says
Nice run. You had a problematic sheep that obviously was missing her lamb/buddy in the exhaust pen. Maybe continue working on Skip’s speed on the drive? He maintains a nice distance because he feels his sheep but the sheep tend to slow and meander. Tough trial field when there was such a strong draw back to the left of the camera. That makes for a slow cross drive. And the pen – you always think of different strategies you should have tried after the run lol. He’s a lovely dog to watch.
I’d be interested too to hear about the chill coat. “Collie wobbles” really is a thing. I’ve had a dog prone to it as well. I associated it with the dog’s intensity and almost inability to ratchit the intensity down.
Having stepped on dog feet and cat tails, I can say that dogs forgive much quicker than cats 🙂
Mason says
I apologize to my dogs daily (and sometimes ‘voice’ their refusal to accept my apology and their further criticism of my foolish human self).
One interesting related question is the degree to which dogs understand our intentions; I loved this study in Nature that starts an exploration of this issue: https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-021-94374-3#citeas
Deborah White says
Years ago, I met a friend’s 2-year-old daughter for the first time. We had had a great day playing and getting to know each other — such a sweet, loving and smart little girl. At one point I had said something to her, which in hindsight, was fairly obnoxious. Something like “I will always win.” Getting ready for having her bedtime story read to her, I noticed she was acting a bit distant from me. Huh. Could she, a 2-year-old, possibly have understood what I had said to her earlier that day? Whether she had or not, I realized that what I said was not only inappropriate, but downright wrong. And I told her that. She listened closely. I asked her if she understood what I was apologizing for and she nodded her head, “yes.” Her demeanor immediately changed and it was clear: apology accepted. I was floored.
They say dogs have the maturity and understanding of a toddler. And toddlers are known to understand much more, including subtle nuances, than they can possibly begin to express on their own. So do I think dogs understand apologies? Not a doubt in my mind. I am often taken aback by what my dog understands. I’m not talking training here, rather speaking to him somewhat conversationally.
When I’ve done something that I regret and have the opportunity to apologize, I always do. Big things as well as, say, accidentally stepping on a paw. Do I think my dog understands that the pain/discomfort I caused him was a mistake, absolutely not intentional? You bet.
I find it’s really important to respect my dog. Yes, he has to earn it, just as I have to earn his respect for me. Admitting when you’re wrong, goes hand in hand with being respectful to the other (sentient being). I’ve never had an apology I’ve made to a dog not accepted. So yes, always apologize — even if you might think it’s not necessary (how could they possibly understand?). You’re likely to be surprised. Maybe it’s not true of all dogs, but the dog I have now — who is brilliant — understands things (and me) sometimes more than I understand myself.
Trisha says
Great story about the toddler, Deborah. Thanks!
Trisha says
Oh oh oh, thanks Mason! Love this study!
Trisha says
Love hearing your analysis Cathy about Skip’s run. You are right about Skip’s speed on the drive, it’s always been an issue. He loves flighty sheep, is brilliant on them, but doesn’t like pushing much. He grew up in Ireland, working sheep equal to deer, and these heavy American sheep are a challenge for him. I’ve been working on it and he’s better, but he’s probably never going to be a dog who can push sheep around the course with plenty of time left for the pen. All the more reason for me to sharpen up my skills at the pen! On the plus side, several set out folks have said that his lift was the best they’d seen for the entire trial. On the down side, his gentle, nuanced lift got nothing out of the sheep during his second run. He had a bull of a ewe, and all 3 had their heads sunk into a pan of about a bushel of corn. It took him an entire minute (or was it an hour?) to actually get them lifted off the grain. Argh. He had a lovely cross drive (toward the left, so speedy indeed!) but ran out before we got to the pen. So, no drive points. I’m working on lifting off of a massive pile of grain the next few weeks, albeit a tad grudgingly. What happened to scatttering a few grains of corn in the grass?
chris says
They have said for a long time that animals did not have feelings or understand things. Now that has been disproven. I think that animals understand way more than we give them credit for. I apologize to my dogs all the time. If I step on their toe accidentally or I run into them accidentally and will always do this. I am one of those persons who treats my animals just like I treat people (and I do not care if people say I should not humanize my animals). It is a respect issue. I treat everyone (animals and people) the way I want to be treated.
Trainergirl says
I don’t know the truth of this either. I’ve stepped on one of my giant breeds accidentally (stepping over a giant breed is fraught with danger because sometimes they decide to stand up while you are in the act and then you are in BIG trouble!) so usually I am trying to pick my way around them. Often I tell them to “move” rather than risk stepping on one by accident and for the most part, they do but occasionally, they’ll just look at me with one eye and go back to sleep LOL! Sometimes I need to step around and as my balance isn’t so good I’ve accidentally stepped on a paw etc. I immediately say something like “Oh, sorry baby, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean that!” and immediately make a fuss of them. They seem to accept it with good grace. They don’t feel the need to jump out of my way when they see me coming. I think it’s basically all about the tone of voice we use and I think somehow, with dogs who know us well, it communicates enough to them and I think they understand it. The same way they understand us if she are telling them that something is OK if they are worried by something that happens.
Lynda says
I’ve apologized more than once to my dogs over the course of 70+years. And it’s always been accepted. My current guy will walk over and kiss my cheek. But in their own way they have shown apology accepted.
Terrie says
The other day, I was sitting on the back step and reached over to pet my dog, not really looking as I did so. I accidently punched my dog in the face. Immediately, I started going “I’m sorry. sorry, sorry, sorry.” Doesn’t matter if he understood me or not, the words came out like reflex. (I suspect he’d like apologies more if they were wrapped in cheese).
Margo Yagid Patrick says
I do apologize . I believe they do understand because they know our behavior and expression. Their response is completely individual from each dog and the response is situational. I also believe that we have a relationship with our dog and generally we know either through an overt signal or cue from them, what their response is. Subconsciously we get it as well. It depends on where your own awareness is at the moment .
Ricki says
I think dogs live completely in the immediate present (unlike us) and think associatively. So unless there is a repeated infraction to carve a negative association, they just take a mistake from a human they are attached to in stride as long as the next human action is benevolent, kind, appropriate etc. That’s how they interact with each other.
That said, my golden retriever sisters absolutely understand the (too frequent) word “sorry” and the accompanying tone of voice and positive body language. They would not understand if I used a lot more words. It’s like “outside”, “walkies” and “dinner”. Part of living with me.
Jen C says
Oh! Such an interesting thing to ponder! I remember reading an article a few years ago about dogs AND cats knowing the difference between intentional and unintentional harm caused by humans. I can’t find it, of course!! But I know both our dogs and cats don’t seem skittish at all after being accidentally stepped on, bumped, bopped and so forth. I kinda imagine them feeling sorry for us humans with our ungraceful bipedalism and limited sight and hearing capabilities! Also, they seem pretty forgiving of each other during accidental bumps and jolts. And they also seem pretty go with the flow when I do abrupt “This way” changes in walking/trotting direction, even if they “knew better.” I feel like they do a lot of forgiving when it comes to them having to do most of the work in our relationships– that is, they work waaay harder than my hubby and I do to interpret us than we do to interpret them– although thanks to books like yours, hopefully we are meeting them halfway!
Andy says
I apologize to my dogs often! I get cranky and use inappropriate tones sometimes, and it’s really not fair to Toh Toh. My best guess is that it’s not an apology to them because it’s such a language dependent, sequential event (a coherent slight, then an applicable apology) that might require some pretty tricky deductive thinking for a non-verbal animal. I think it’s more likely that they’re responding to an expression of care – which is great! I’ll take it.
I’m clueless about herding sheep, but I noticed that a few of the sheep towards the end had a rocking-horse gait of sorts. Does their gait change when they’re relaxed in the same way dogs’ seem to?
Robin says
I believe that they read our emotion and body language when we apologize. My dog will “apologize “ to me when she accidentally nips me when we are playing and I say “ow” and stop. She licks me in an appeasing way. When I apologize and pet her, she scampers around me licking me and I think she is saying “it’s ok”. Thanks for your honesty and not the perfect view of your experiences- it helps so much!
BARB STANEK says
Yes, I’ve apologized to my dogs. No real idea if they get the idea of it. When I get a puppy, and the puppy lies in my path or directly behind me, I have been known to walk into the puppy and NOT apologize. I know that has worked to hep the puppy understand that lying down within three feet of my path is a dangerous thing to do.
While this isn’t an apology ancedote, I wanted to share a dog/owner communication that I observed this weekend. It was a high level nosework trial. The dog/human teams have been in MANY searches together.
The dog was sourcing a hide. The handler thought the dog was misguided and interrupted the dog, calling him to the handler. The dog noted the handler’s command, stopping his search and looking at her, and then went right on finishing his job and sourcing the hide! The handler was happy. The dog got a treat. I wonder if the dog thought, “Next time don’t interrupt me! I know what I’m doing!”
Joyce Loebig says
Always apologized to my dog for stepped-on paws or training mistakes, and I’d always give her a free treat for my clumsiness. So at least her sore toes and confusion were followed by something she liked.
Jaye says
I would love to hear your commentary over the sheepdog trial video posted someday. It’s fascinating to watch, but knowing nothing about it, I find myself longing for a running description!
I apologize all the time…usually for stepping on my dogs. Always followed by an overflow of pets and attention. I get kisses in return. My husband (a “bit” less sensitive that your average bear) usually says “I told you to move, Dummy!” He gets NO kisses from either the dogs (or me) in response. 🙂
Rhonda says
Without really considering what I’ve done, I’d say when I feel the need to apologize to one of my dogs I kind of mimic what they do to me when they’ve inadvertently hurt me and understand that they’ve done so. That’s far more likely to happen – them hurting me – with my Maremmas than with my shelties. My 2-year-old Maremma knocked me over last week while playing with my younger sheltie and not paying as close of attention to his proximity to me as he usually does. As he collided with me I shouted his name and then hit the ground. His demeanor immediately shifted from rollicking good times to what my sister, who saw it all happen, described as “OMG what have I done” as he approached me on the ground, head down, face soft and worried, and he stayed there hovering over me, sniffing my scraped leg gently, and let me use his 130lb frame to haul myself back up onto my feet. When I step on one of them I’d say I do much the same thing, my trajectory and demeanor change immediately, my voice and body language express concern, and my verbal apology always comes with some cuddles and an examination of the body part I stepped on. From the change in their behavior and body language I think they get the message.
Gayla says
I second what Deborah White said;
They say dogs have the maturity and understanding of a toddler. And toddlers are known to understand much more, including subtle nuances, than they can possibly begin to express on their own. So do I think dogs understand apologies? Not a doubt in my mind. I am often taken aback by what my dog understands. I’m not talking training here, rather speaking to him somewhat conversationally.
And second Trisha’s thank you to Mason!
Dianne says
The other night, I was reading on my iPad in bed, Kaylie, my 14-month old Xolo was, as usual, snuggled up to me and snoozing. I began nodding off and let go of my iPad which landed right on her head. She jumped; I woke and immediately apologized. She responded with a lick of my hand and settled back to sleep. I am convinced that dogs not only understand apologies, they are quick to forgive.
Beth says
I call it a Whoopsy in an apologetic voice with my dogs .
Im grateful that they tolerate my stupid human behavior! 😉
muttzrule says
Good to hear Maggie is doing better!
I have apologized to my dogs for accidentally stepping on a paw, or speaking sharply when I was feeling tired and grouchy. It seems like they always understood and were quick to forgive, giving me a lick, wanting to play or be petted. They’ve been the same with each other as well. The occasional disagreement or accidental injury got a quick growl or yip, a minute or two where they pause and don’t interact, and then they’re over it and ready to play or snuggle. We humans could learn from them.
Frances says
I apologise to mine frequently – for accidental knocks and bumps, for being cross, in any situation, in fact, where I would apologise to a young child. An apology is usually followed by a reconciliation, with the dog going from tail down worried to tail up happy, so whether it is the words or the tone or the body language it works, and that is the important thing. I also say Please and Thank you to them when asking them to move or rearrange themselves for my benefit – they probably don’t recognise the words but they do recognise the polite tone and respond to it.
Interesting equation of apologising and appeasement behaviours – perhaps they are more similar than we often think. Both can defuse a potentially dangerous situation, both can be described as “grovelling”, both acknowledge that the other party is in a stronger position than we are. Perhaps dogs recognise the message because of this considerable overlap, just as Freddy knows that Ha ha! means I am play wrestling, not fighting for real.
Barbara says
I think a verbal apology is more meaningful if accompanied by physical contact. I’m sure my dog doesn’t understand what I’m blathering on about half the time but he does know that an ear rub or massage feels good. That touch goes a long way in soothing a stepped on paw. Make him feel good and once again all is right with the world. The great thing about dogs is that they don’t hold grudges and are quick to forgive … at least mine is.
Nicola says
I have tried, in the past, to use my body language as well as my words to apologise to my dogs. My Tenterfield Terrier (similar to Rat Terrier) was pretty sensitive. If I was upset and walked towards her, she would roll over and display her belly. I would soften my body language. She seemed to respond. I might mention that I am a crossover trainer, so her early experiences of making mistakes weren’t good.
Carole says
My dad was one of those natural dog trainers. The things he taught our Cocker Spaniels to do – looking back from my adult perspective as a professional trainer – were nothing short of amazing. He never raised his voice or coerced in any way. He spoke to the dogs as if they were children, and he taught my sister and I to always apologize to the dog if we inadvertantly stepped on a paw. I taught my kids to do the same. I always say sorry when I’m in the wrong with my dogs, be it stepping on them or raising my voice when it wasn’t warranted. I do believe they understand… they look at me as if to say “It’s okay. You’re only human.” We should all be as forgiving of mistakes as our dogs are.
Michele Duncan says
I’ve noticed that when my 2 mixed chihuahua breeds play and one gets too rough, one of three things happen. One will turn and offer a butt sniff as if to say”just playing, if it escalates, the one that gets the brunt will get away and pout. The other one will come over and lick said dog in a very submissive manner. It seemed like a sorry or maybe what others call appeasement. When I play with them and one that has trouble controlling play bites causes me to say ouch, he’ll come over and kiss me sheeplessly, regardless of my tone. The other when playfighting acts pretty tough until I fake cry. If I fake cry and stop playing, her behavior goes from vicious cuño to cute adorable cuddle behavior as if to say sorry. Again appeasement. If I analyze deeply why I say sorry, it is appeasement. Although I’m truly sorry, isn’t sorry just another way to appease the other to remain in a relationship. whether a working, a friendship or romantic relationship? Humans don’t always use the words but they find other ways to say sorry by doing what they think appeases the other. And if we know that person well, we know that’s their way of saying sorry. I’m thinking human sorry is really a necessary survival appeasement. Like humans, some dogs recognize the sorry appeasement and some don’t. Since my dogs appear to be able to tell me they are sorry, it stands to reason that they understand when i’m sorry. But when I say it to them, I do get on the ground at their level and kiss them. I always wonder if they understand that’s the same as licking them. As I’m pretty sure licking is what they understand. I add thier favorite head or ear massage in hopes they forgive my inability to lick them, ever!
Martin says
When Dolce accidentally hurt me, she would lick her lips, come over to me with her tail moderately low and wagging moderately fast, and initiate friendly body contact (lick me, sit on my lap, nuzzle me or something else along those lines). Nanuk does pretty much the same thing when he accidentally hurts me. Since his ears aren’t floppy, I can see that he puts them down and back, but does not pin them. I mimic this behavior when I accidentally hurt them. Obviously, I can’t move my ears and have no tail, but I do lick my lips and offer a few cuddles. I pair this with words and a tone of voice that communicate an apology in human fashion. I suspect our facial expressions are also similar. While I can’t know exactly how they interpret my behavior, it facilitates reconciliation.
Deb says
This was very timely as I found myself apologizing to my nearly 9-year-old rescue, traumatized German Shepherd. She was a victim of many abuses and has been with me for two years, it’s taken me most so that time to teach her to trust me. The other day I was making an attempt to cut her nails and got to close to the quick on one of them, she did so very well up until that point! She pulled her paw out of my hand and started growling although she made no effort to lunge at me etc. Just wanted to voice her concern. I apologized over and over and she settle down quickly so I’m hoping she understood
Alice R. says
An apology, like a lot of things, I taught by accident. If I stepped on or accidentally kicked Arlo when I didn’t know he was there. I would do a high pitched repetitive “I’m sorry” . He learned “oops” the same way although I suspect that to him it means “stop, and let mom get this sorted out”. He reacts appropriately to both with forgiveness and affection or pauses so I then expanded the use of oops to mean his actions and “I know you didn’t mean to do that, I’m not upset”, and I’m sorry in the same sing song voice when I have to tell him we cannot do something we often do and enjoy like taking a particular path. It may be my voice, my motions, or my face instead of my words, but it’s clearly communication that works. The oops, oops , I’m sorry signals that it was my mess up. Do I wish I could have an actual I’m sorry discussion with my dog about all sorts of things? You bet, but I suspect that if we had that much communication ability, he would make quite a list of my failings, and we would not enjoy the wonderful relationship we now have.
Thomas Haliburton says
I had an Norwegian Elk hound that was very not cooperative. Then a dog instructor told me I should apologies to my dog. I thought she was crazy. But I did apologies to my dog. I started to cry saying I’m so sorry how I treated you. My dog Buddy sighed. After that my dog started to listening to me. He was much more cooperative. Amen.
Alice R. says
Forgot to add this to mine: if he goes to do something correct, but I screw up, I use the oops, oops , good, good, with kind of get on with it hand signals, and he seems to understand that what he was doing before I interrupted was correct and to continue on. I also just realized for all of this communication I use repetitive cues although I don’t in any other circumstance. Perhaps to keep the tone of voice going in a confusing situation?
Brandy says
I do think they understand apologies on some level. When working with another social animal (this includes horses, for me), I feel like we both “clue in” to each other somehow (body language? pheromones? something else?). In the same way that being nervous can elicit a nervous reaction in my dog or horse, if I apologize I usually feel it’s recognized. I feel like I even got a sort of “apology” from a horse I’m working with; he’s learning to trust in fair handling (long story, but the upshot is he’s currently much more willing & less mouthy than he was 18 mos ago) and he used to nip and be a bit pushy with his body. Recently he nipped at me and I scolded him, and I swear he looked chagrined!
Madeline Gabriel says
I’ve been curious and fascinated by the potential for apologies to dogs for a long time in the context of my dogs and babies/toddlers work. First in the way that humans naturally do it by moving closer to the dog and petting or snuggling the dog or wanting to touch or kiss the “injured” body part which of course is dangerous for children. So that’s a confusing message when kids are taught that “kiss it and make it better” is a way of showing (human) love and caring.
And then from the perspective of what if we could teach an apology signal ahead of time and teach that to our children to use? I got stuck in the ethical weeds of not wanting to set up “training” where we’d deliberately do something the dog didn’t like and then try to teach the sorry part.
Best I could do with that is teach a general “what happened?” signal that means something yummy is coming and then use that signal with random things the dog notices until dog generalizes. Ut that’s not really an apology.
With my own dogs, besides saying sorry and offering to connect with them if I step on them, etc, my other apology scenario is for nails/grooming. If I do something that makes them pull away, I say sorry and offer a hand target for treat. I don’t know what they think about it though.
An interesting book is called On Apology that disects the elements that make or break an effective human apology.
Jann Becker says
I’ve seen dogs apologize to each other, when a play fight turns into a real fight and someone gets snapped at. The snapper carefully sniffs the snappee all over as if to check that they aren’t injured and it’s as close to “Sorry, didn’t mean to hurt you!” as I can imagine.
Kristina says
Have you seen @whataboutbunny? It’s an instagram account for someone who taught their dog to communicate with buttons. They had a recent video (https://www.instagram.com/reel/CgE1zkDFjIH/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=) where the dog was concerned that there was someone upstairs. After the mom checked it out and no one was there, the dog pressed “oops.” That feels very similar to an apology.
Sheridan Davis says
Yes I apologize, verbally and with physicality but mainly eye contact and for any number of reasons that come up in normal interactions with my Gryff. That’s what you do to have good relationships with those we care about. I thank him too, regularly. I’m often amazed at how patient our dogs are with us. Homo Sapiens are challenging! I catch myself blithely assuming he’s good with the interminable waiting I often thoughtlessly ask him to endure—to be leashed, to go out, to wait for me while I gather what I need to go out. I apologize and thank him for this and many other daily kindnesses he extends to me. If nothing else, my apologies and thanks keep me in the right mental posture toward him—a posture I’d characterize as thankful and appreciative. At least that’s what I’m striving for!
Tonya Allen says
So glad Maggie has recovered!
Maybe “apology” is not the right word, but dogs definitely do a “check and reassure” routine if they, for example, accidently nip another dog or human too hard during play.
And they seem to expect the same routine from humans. If you accidentally step on the dog’s paw and DON”T check that they are OK and make some kind of reassuring sound or gesture, then the dog may feel obliged to go through the “appeasement routine” to assure him/herself of your mood and intentions.
Other dogs might just mentally write you off as someone who doesn’t know how to behave and will act “offended” or ignore you in the future.
In sum, although the words we use may be too anthropomorphic, there is definitely a kind of social contract or routine that dogs expect to be observed in situations where humans would expect an “apology”.
Very interesting topic!
LisaW says
We apologize to Olive even when she’s not there! Olive is very sound sensitive (less so in some ways as she’s becoming quite hard of hearing, however, the noises she does hear seem to startle her more because they probably come out of “nowhere” since many ambient sounds she can’t hear anymore). Anyway, if we drop something or clang a pot lid or inadvertently let the screen door slam, we automatically say, “Sorry, Olive.”
I’ve noticed we say it at home and away, for example, if we’re visiting someone and Olive isn’t there and a loud noise is made, we immediately say, “Sorry, Olive.”
“Sorry, Olive,” is her cue that it’s ok, no worries, no harm. She recovers really quickly now from most infractions.
Evelyn (Jenny) Haskins says
I ALWAYS apologise to my dogs, IF I’ve done something ‘wrong” or I had to make them do something they don’t like.
Being (according to others 🙁 Asperger’s, I find dogs far easier to communicate to, than most humans. Humans tend to think I have a hidden agenda which I am incapable of.
It has taken me more than half my life to realise that I do NOT always have to tell the truth. I can just keep silent or prevaricate. I do NOT have to with
the dogs 🙂
Terrier Hub says
It would really nice if our dogs can understand us. My theory is that they get a feeling through a person’s eyes with their intent and that is what triggers their reaction. Although I think their understanding might just be simpler compared to humans.