I’m taking some summery time off this week, and so am repeating a post from May, 2014, How to Talk to Other Dog Owners. Wanna talk about it?
Here it is:
When I was seeing a lot of clients I could always tell when I was tired because I started working with the dog, rather than training the owners. Perhaps that’s the irony of language: It makes communication easier in one sense, and harder in another. Things were so simple and clear when I was working with someone else’s dog. Trying to influence the behavior of the people felt much more complicated. It is not that I didn’t enjoy it–I love people, they are one of my two favorite species. It’s just that it was harder to work with them than the dogs.
It’s no surprise then that talking to someone you’ve never met about their dog’s behavior is especially fraught. Whether it’s at the dog park, in the neighborhood, or at a dog class, we’ve all struggled with what to say to the person whose dog is terrifying ours, or whose dog REALLY doesn’t want you to pet him even though the owner is begging you to. I thought this issue was worth a discussion, given how often it comes up in the comment section. I’ll add in my own thoughts, but very much look forward to hearing what you have to say. I’m hoping for a benevolent interchange of constructive ideas about how to influence the behavior of others when one feels the need. I want to avoid piling on about “how stupid” other people can be. The foolishness of others may be rampant in some contexts, but just whinging about it never seems to help. Here are some of my thoughts, in hopes of initiating a constructive conversation:
WORK THE DOG, NOT THE PERSON. First off, do you need to intervene immediately because you think your dog is at risk? If so, I strongly advise forgetting about trying to influence the behavior of the other owner. Saying “Call your dog!” or “Get him away” presumes that the other person 1) believes that action is immediately necessary, 2) has the ability to act instantly and 3) has the kind of control over their dog that the action requires. Good luck with that. I’ve found it much more useful to ignore the owner and work with the dog, whether it’s a body block or tossing a handful of treats or turning and moving away to distract the dogs from a tense encounter. Yes, it’s polite to ask if you can give someone else’s dog a treat, but if an 80 pound Chessie is running full bore at my dog, ears pinned and hackles up, I’m throwing a handful of treats in its face and asking questions later. (Of course, none of this is relevant if the dog is actually attacking your own–see here for a discussion about handling serious dog fights.)
PEOPLE ARE ANIMALS TOO. Remember the value of positive reinforcement? I’m often amazed at how quickly people forget to use PR as soon as they turn away from their dog and start talking with a member of their own species. If the situation is not an emergency and doesn’t require immediate action, I always say something positive when I first meet someone’s dog, even if it is “Harvey has the most beautiful tail!” If you want to say something to someone about their dog’s behavior, you darn well better start with something good. (The exception, of course, is when an immediate intervention is necessary as discussed above.) I learned early on how defensive people can be about their dog, sometimes even more so than about their children. I had clients quit a class once because the trainer said something about the breed’s typical behavior. It wasn’t meant to be a negative comment, just a brief mention about the breed being “mouthy” because they were bred to retrieve. That was enough to send the owners out the door in a huff. That might be a bit extreme, but let’s face it: Whether we should or shouldn’t, it is natural to see dogs as extensions of ourselves, and criticisms of our dogs are never welcome. We can criticize our own dogs, but someone else’s? Not so much.
That’s why if someone’s dog is playing in an inappropriate and rude manner, I’m going to say “Wow! Chester is full of energy, isn’t he! I’ll bet he wears you out by the end of the day.” I might go on to describe my own dog as “sensitive” and “easily frightened,” and explain that it’s nothing against their dog, but I need to end the play session. Have I “educated” them about appropriate play behavior? No. Was this a good context in which to try to do so? Nope. It was my job to protect my dog and keep everything and everybody on an even keel. Which leads to my next point…
WHAT’S THE GOAL? Ask yourself. Why do you want to influence the other person’s behavior? If you want to protect your own dog, do so. Putting the other owner on defense won’t help anything and it might make things worse. Are you concerned about their dog? Perhaps their dog didn’t sit when asked and they jerked hard on the leash and screamed at it. Ouch, these situations are so painful to all of us. But you can’t go up to a stranger and tell them that they are abusing their dog. Sometimes you just have to walk away, painful as it is. Other times I’ve had some success by walking over (treats in pocket, always treats in pockets, heaven help me…) and commenting on what a lovely/handsome dog they have. “What breed is it?” I might ask. I may know perfectly well, but it doesn’t matter; the goal is to start a conversation. Or I might say, (lying through my teeth, yup, you heard it here) “Oh, I used to have a Saint Bernard/Poodle/Yorkie cross myself! That was the best dog! Can I give Rambo a treat?” And then Rambo and I have a little interchange and I walk away and leave it at that. Maybe the owner learned something about how quickly Rambo paid attention and did what I asked, maybe they didn’t. But either way I did not take it onto myself to be the dog police and tell someone how to handle their dog. It’s hard sometimes, but it is not our job to train other people’s dogs or raise their children.
Lest that sounds harsh, let me be clear that I am all in favor of helping people who want help, role modeling good behavior, educating people who want to learn, and being there for a dog who might need some clarification about what is expected. That said, we’ll all be most effective if we remember that 1) advice from strangers often feels like criticism, 2) sometimes it is easier to communicate directly with a dog, and 3) positive reinforcement usually works best. Here’s my last piece of advise, before I pass the baton on to you to hear your best ideas about how to defuse a conflict with another dog owner:
Picture me, a client and a client’s dog, out walking in a neighborhood. Be aware that the dog is frightened of unfamiliar people and we are out to do some counter-conditioning. The challenge in this process is that so many strangers want to walk up and overwhelm the dog, rather than toss treats from a distance. Here’s what I learned to say, as someone begins to swoop in to loom over the cowering Sheltie, or MiniPoo, or Border Collie, or Mastiff: “Oh thank heavens!” I say, as I move between the person and the dog. “I can tell that you are an experienced dog person! That’s just great, because this dog is afraid of strangers and needs someone who understands the importance of staying back and tossing treats rather than going toward the dog and scaring it! SO many people don’t understand that, except people who have lots of dog savvy like you! Would you mind helping us for just a moment and tossing some treats on the ground for Maggie?”
I learned to say this after hearing, many hundreds of times, “Oh, dogs just love me” (mostly women) and “I’m not afraid of dogs!” Both of these comments were always made as a person bent forward, hands outstretched, face moving laser-like toward a cowering dog in response to my request to toss treats. You gotta love training, no matter the species, right?
What’s your story? We’d all love to hear comments about your most successful (or unsuccessful) intervention. How have you learned to talk to others about their dog? Anyone ever talked to you about your own dog and set your teeth on edge?
MEANWHILE, back on the farm, some photos for you to enjoy! First, the hummers are back feeding in front of our living room window. There are now two females competing for access to these Bee Balms. I took this while sitting on the couch!
Here she is again:
The flowers are in full bloom now, it’s a riot of color out here. Not sure if this Zinnia bud is aware that there’s something behind it . . .
I had fun playing with this photo of Skip; I like it best in black and white:
I am waiting for Maggie to explain to me how this position is comfortable. She loves a pillow under her head, but this seems a bit extreme.
I hope you and yours are comfortable this week. Those of us who are not effected by extreme weather this summer are lucky indeed.
Minnesota Mary says
Knowing when talking to the other dog owner is futile is a blessing, too. I recently came across a “man-spreader”. You know the type. They take up 3 seats on the bus or train because their knees are in different zip codes. His dog was at the very end of his long extendable leash and I was trying to get past him. He said his dog was friendly and not to be bothered about how close he was. I told him my dogs aren’t friendly (they are, but they are easily riled up by another dog so close). He told me that I had better learn how to control my dogs if I’m going to be walking them. Wow. I just spun around and walked the other way.
Frances says
I am a great believer in saying something nice as a starter – there is usually something to praise. I’ll also talk to the dog “I know you just want to play, hun, but she is old and not very well and doesn’t want to be bounced!”, while body blocking the galumphing pup. “How old is he/she?” is a good one, too – leading either to a discussion of how well-behaved the dog is for such a baby, or how energetic for an older dog, or commiseration with the hard work of raising a puppy and how helpful I found the Puppy classes run by X, just up the road. On one occasion we were walking behind a young chap doing a really good job of teaching a rambunctious adolescent pup to focus on him and walk with him, and I congratulated him – nothing like positive reinforcement, as you say!
Most people love to talk about their dogs given half the chance, I find – I rarely offer outright advice as I don’t feel qualified even if it were welcome. In fact I can only remember doing so once, when an elderly man was walking his daughter’s very nervous rescue German Shepherd, and I couldn’t bear the dog’s obvious distress. A suggestion that he position himself between her and passing dogs and people and give them as wide a berth as possible was taken up immediately, and she visibly relaxed. But even that was “I wonder if it might help if you…” rather than “You must…”.
Martin says
Right now, I’m usually on the other side of this problem. In January, I got a new dog, a golden retriever-Spitz-mix that was 4.5 years old at the time. While he has a lot of strengths, he is leash reactive and pulls quite a bit. Most of the leash reactivity seems to stem from frustration, either because he wants to hunt (birds, rabbits, deer, rodents, etc.) or because he wants to play (mostly dogs). He’s gotten a LOT better about birds, but has made barely any progress with dogs because I can’t set up the appropriate situations. The distance needed is too great for it to happen coincidentally (2-3 times in the last nearly 7 months…). The trainers I’ve contacted don’t do this sort of thing (provide a dog for him to notice). And while several neighbors have offered their help, they want to do it their way, not mine. If they were actually qualified professionals, that would be one thing – but since they’re not and since what they suggest goes against what the trainers I’ve talked to said and against what it says in the books and websites of actual experts (yours included…), I’m not going to take them up on their offers. I think he would make good progress if we could only actually do the training. But without another human-dog team’s help, we can’t do that, so we’re stuck with avoiding other dogs to avoid just rehearing his temper tantrums. And I’m really, really sick of people lecturing me that I just need to show him who’s boss, that I’m teaching him to be afraid by increasing distance (playfully…), etc.
This time last year I was considered a dog expert because my previous dogs were so well-behaved. Now people seem to think I’m completely and utterly incompetent because I haven’t managed to completely cure Nanuk’s leash reactivity in 7 months – 7 months during which Covid has made accessing professional help exceptionally difficult. I think many only gave me 1-2 weeks of grace.
Sorry for the rant.
My point is: Before giving any one else advice on what they do with their dog, think about whether you’re sure you know more than they do. If you’re a man and they are a woman, or you are an adult and they are a child, or there’s a different power imbalance that might make you think you know more than you do, think it through a second time. I’m guessing that many readers of this blog ARE professional dog trainers and really DO know more than the people they meet out and about.
Kat says
Walking my giant Pyr with a friend and her two Chessies one slightly oversized the other on the small size. The smaller one is pulling hard at the leash because we’re in an area where she’s usually off leash. My dog is on a harness both hers on on collars. The smaller one is choking herself on the collar. I ask if the person has ever considered switching to a harness adding that D’Artagnan has some mild damage to his trachea from pulling on a collar and I absolutely do not want to make it worse.
Notice I didn’t say anything about the dog’s leash manners or warn about the damage pulling like that could be causing. I asked a simple question and added a little relevant information about my own dog. Turns out the Chessie used to walk on a harness but the person thought too many people were getting the idea that Chessie was dangerous and hard to control because she couldn’t walk on a collar. “Interesting,” I said, “I’ve never got that feeling using a harness on D’Art. Of course in all his floof it’s hard to tell what he may have on.” Again, no criticism just sharing my experience and adding a reason it might be different. My friend, “Hmm, I’ll have to think about it.” And that’s all I ever hope for is that I’ll give them a different perspective and they’ll think about it.
Your hummer photos are gorgeous! And it’s always fun seeing photos of your dogs.
LisaW says
“Harvey has the most beautiful tail!” is now in my lexicon! I love it because it’s like singing the birthday song when you really want to snark loudly. And it’s funny as hell just on its own. Thank you, I needed that.
If asked, I will offer an opinion or refer people to your website and books. But, I am not as magnanimous toward most folks as you, and I try to avoid getting into that situation. And, I have had my own problem dogs that were on leash and mostly working hard to behave, but it wasn’t always successful. I get it.
And, I have to say that for me, the most anxiety-producing situation is when you have someone visiting or staying with you and they simply refuse to listen to what the dog needs or what I ask them to do. It’s always because “they’re dog people and dogs love them.” I have to constantly monitor the situation and go on longs walks with the dog, which come to think of it . . .
I have also found that people have a really, really, hard time NOT doing something — like ignoring the dog when you first come in or letting her smell and retreat without any human reactions or just letting the dog be as she can in the moment. People aren’t very good at not doing anything.
Those hummers are amazing. Here’s a good article on the benefits of humming: https://www.popsci.com/science/humming-worlds-most-soothing-sound/
HFR says
If you really want to insult a dog owner, try telling them their dog is fat. Oh my! I’ve tried multiple techniques for this one to no avail. It’s like telling them they themselves need to lose weight. I’ve given up on that one.
Heather Ludwig says
Wondering whether it is better to approach to speak to a neighbor myself (never met them) or call animal control. The neighbor lives on the street behind us and down a ways who tends to leave their dog to wander off leash off their suburban property (breaking municipal leash laws). The dog rushed up to my reactive dog and there was a fight and the dog one time wandered into our unfenced yard.
Jane Haynes says
Years ago, our city opened two dog parks. I was supportive of this because I know that most dogs do not get enough exercise or social interaction. What I hadn’t anticipated was how much the dog owners needed guidance in understanding dog behavior and monitoring and guiding it. Case in point: I had just lost my female Lab, and my boy Quinn (her half brother) was devastated. Though we have a friendly pack of dogs and owners whom we play with, I wanted to support the dog park. I took him – 65 lbs., neutered, black male, sweet natured, and unassuming. As soon as we entered the park, a gigantic English Bulldog, his testicles swaying like shiny bowling balls, landed on Quinn and put him on his back and held him there. Other owners came over to me to “kindly” explain that “Festis” meant no harm, but was the dominant dog in the park and obviously my dog was “submissive,” so he would fit nicely in the group. I had read the Monks of New Skete so knew whereof they garnered their understanding of dog behavior. I had learned so much more after reading that book, including how important it is that the humans be the “pack” leaders, so, rather than discuss the nuances of leadership, I asked Festis’s owner to get his dog off my dog so we could depart. He said it was Festis’s role to determine when Quinn could get up. So much b……… I threw treats for Festis, not caring if that ignited all the dogs, just to free mine. Snapped Quinn’s leash on and skedaddled. As we drove by on the way home, I saw that Festis was keeping another dog under a bench and not letting him out. We have never been back, but I still wish that dog parks offered once a month “training” in dog behavior. As for us, we stay with our nice, balanced dog and people friends.
Carolyn M Henry says
I love the idea of complementing the dog and/or the owner’s vast and obvious knowledge…will be adding that to my usual response. Overall I’ve found people like to help and asking for it may actually be placing the idea in their head that they are obviously an expert. If it’s an individual approaching I would place myself in their path and, especially with my terribly fearful dog, ask if they could help by standing still and letting me treat my dog from a bit of a distance…I would so appreciate it, etc. If their dog is loose I do the same but ask that, to help my dog and I, please put him on a leash so that he feels “safe.” He would be in full fight or flight mode and thinks the flying monkeys are coming so it’s not like he’d even be aware of anyone’s leash but I never had a problem getting compliance. People seem to like to help and I take advantage of that leaning. I actually had one person apologize that they were just doing a quick walk with their dog and had to get to work but would love to help another time. I have big and little dogs and people seem to feel it is their right to bend over the littles and start cooing at them…drives me crazy. Some of mine would be fine with it but I like to train the people (or attempt to) by simply saying that I’m really sorry but the dog is training right now…no one has taken that as a rebuff as yet but…
Stacey Gehrman says
Always depending on the situation advice can.be offered in a non intrusive way. (This wouldn’t work in emergent situations.) A person can lead by example. By working your dog in some fun heeling, sit and down etc patterns you can get the attention of handlers who are having difficulty with their dog. I have often had people approach me after watching to ask “how do you get your dog to do that?” Then I can offer some basic tips. Sometimes they even came to class. I’m retired now.
Rosemarie says
Ohhh, boy. I just don’t. Unless it’s an emergency, and I hold off even then. Thanks for the reminder to work with the PEOPLE, not the dog in cases like this. It’s good to keep in the front of your mind.
A million years ago I was at an agility trial with my competing dog, and a young Aussie I was just beginning to train. He was likely 6 months. We were walking through the arena and he was tugging along side me on his fleece leash. A woman in the spectator stands (tho, likely a competitor too) called out “You’re going to have trouble with that one!” and I looked up a her and quietly said “All done.” and my boy dropped that leash and went into a sit. Pfft. People.
Jan says
I had to laugh uncomfortably at HFR’s comment about telling someone their dog is fat. I made that mistake with my adult niece who’d rescued an emaciated dog who is now quite fat, that she’d done a great job rehabbing him but that he could stand to lose a few pounds. Oh my, the nasty text messages I got the next day from her mom. I immediately texted my niece apologizing for being insensitive, and got even nastier text messages back. They don’t speak to me anymore.
But on the dog comment front, as a former teacher of pet classes, I do try to help people but have learned to be circumspect. If I get other walkers dogs charging towards mine, my stock phrase is that my dogs aren’t allowed to greet other dogs because they show in conformation / obedience where it’s not allowed.
I went into a store with my service dog and another lady entered with her service dog at the end of her leash, pulling and approaching me and my dog who was glued properly to my side. the lady said, Oh look another service dog to greet! I quickly did a U turn with my dog so my body was between him and the other dog and said (as though to my dog), sorry buddy, you are working so you may not visit and have to stay by my side. As I exited the store, I heard the lady say something to her dog and spied her collecting him up closer to her.
Alex W says
Maggie somehow makes that chair look like a throne. In general, I am loathe to comment on other people’s dogs with anything but “they’re so cute/beautiful/fluffy!” or a specific compliment on something the owner is doing that I really like. I know I personally preen when someone goes out of their way to positively reinforce something I’m doing (like, “Thanks for having your dog on a recall!! That’s such good training!”, made my week). I definitely feel like it’s not my place (I’m not an animal professional!) to go any further than that.
However. After five years of living in the city and also frequenting public trails, I am completely unapologetic and an advocate of setting very clear hard negative reinforcement boundaries with other people with dogs (and without too haha). Maybe because I am a very petite young woman with cute fluffy border collies that are people friendly, but dog reactive, being polite almost never works to get people keep their dogs and themselves the heck away from me. So I say NO. STOP. LEASH YOUR DOG NOW AND STAY AWAY FROM US. and ask questions later. Honestly it’s been very excellent practice in calling out behavior I don’t like, even if it pisses the other person off or it’s socially uncomfortable. Particularly if there are other people around to witness, it can precipitate a change in behavior (and in calling me an unspayed female canine). And I know my own boundaries around me and my dogs is a small thing, but I hope it’s made me braver in calling out other, more atrocious unacceptable behavior. To be fair, I am much more tolerant now that we live in a more rural setting. I think I was becoming a people-reactive human.
Ellen says
Thank you! This is going to be very relevant to my life in the next few weeks. I’m bringing home a beautiful standard poodle puppy this weekend. I’m excited and nervous about just how the adorable ball of fluff and teeth will upend my life.
My biggest concern is actually about running interference between the well meaning people in my neighborhood and the new pup. A lot of people have dogs (and kids!) around here who I don’t want interacting with this puppy until we have more assured positive experiences under our belt. Strategizing how to navigate these interactions will be really helpful when they inevitably come up in the next weeks and months.
Denise Fenzie has covered some similar topics on her Instagram Live chats this week, then you come out with this post. The timing has been perfect!
Carolyn Turner says
I’m often amazed at how quickly people forget to use PR as soon as they turn away from their dog and start talking with a member of their own species.
Fact! In an agility class, having the instructor shout “handler error, handler error” at me when my dog refused a jump did not make me look forward to taking more classes with her.
Ingrid says
This is wonderful advice, and it’s what I do myself, so I know that it’s most likely to get good results. Thank you for this article, Dr. McConnell. I’m grateful that one of the members of my training group shared it to us. It gave me a chance to give them an example of what lengths I’ll go to in order to meet a goal while using R+ with everyone.
Andi says
I take my GSD to the park every day – not a dog park, but a park where he can go off leash some. He’s got a good recall and is very mellow and sweet. My dog-dar is always on, so I’m aware of other dogs/ owners approaching. People are impressed with how well behaved he is so I take the opportunity to encourage them to find a good trainer. I let them know I am not one, but we continue to train, and extol the benefits of continuing to work together. Not about getting their dogs to “obey”, but building relationship, trust, skills, understanding, and fun. I also refer them to great resources like you and Suzanne and others. Sometimes their eyes glaze over, but occasionally something gets sparked. Maybe down the road they’ll remember the know it all lady at the park.
Gerry says
Often I see dogs who are interested but scared in meeting people or dogs. Where the dog starts to approach, becomes scared, and backs away a bit while barking. Where the people just tell her to stop barking and be nice. Many of these dogs have been doing this for years, and the people have given up. Over the years, less than one in twenty of those people I’ve seen have been willing to change their ways and opinions for their dog.
The last one first went on social media about their dog’s increasing aggression, with bark, growl, and jumping. On our first meeting, it took my dog less than a minute to calm her’s down. The important part was the woman’s dog quickly showing her that all was not as she thought and that maybe it could be better.
In a few sessions I brought in a well-known Husky and her dog was interested and quickly relaxed. Then, in a dog park she met a dozen social dogs of various sizes (no pups). A bit scary so a few quiet growls, but I explained this to the owner and told her to always watch the other dog’s response to interpret what’s happening. And each dog knew she was a little scared, and just gave her some room.
After a bit, Dottie was sniffing around the whole park, and I then asked her owner to look at her dog and tell me how her dog feels. Her answer was, “She looks very happy.”
All the others either don’t want to try, or are very certain on their opinions, and do not want them challenged.
Elaine says
I’m sure this is totally off topic, but dang, I am impressed with how clean your windows are!! Photos through a
window? Not at my house! (of course, lots of dog nose prints on my windows)
Kris R says
Agree completely. I’ve been teaching in many settings – corporate training, end user training, private music teacher, now transitioning from Vet Tech to training/behavior. And I can tell you without a doubt that if your learner is not engaged, they won’t learn.
It’s funny. In all my teaching gigs, I’ve noticed that children and seniors are the easiest to teach. Kids LIVE in learning mode. Their entire lives are about learning. So coming up on something new is no big deal. And seniors, well they’re learning because they WANT to. They’re over the whole “I’ve got to be perfect” thing. I’ve been fortunate up until now that many of my learners are kind of a captive audience – clients in the exam room. It’s especially great if there are kids in the room. If, say, the dog is jumping on everyone, I ask the child if they want to see a magic trick. When the dog jumps up, I ignore/turn my back. Dog stands down. We do this a few times and dog is no longer jumping. Then I have the child give it a try. I educate the adult by way of the child. I often find the adult ends up helping me teach the child (which means they’re learning too!). Win Win Win all around!
Roxy says
I was shaken by a recent incident that left me feeling shaken. I was walking a dog, who is NOT reactive, & although still fit, is 12, & beginning to get slightly wobbly. We both prefer her not to engage with strange dogs. In an very expansive, open, area. Spotted a large black Lab, hurtling towards us from 300 meters away. Called my dog to heel while calling out to owner, to please call your dog. They became very verbally agressive & outrightly, refused to call their dog. The dog leaped at mine. I was awkwardly able to body block, while loudly telling it NO!!! . Unphased, it ran around to the other side of me & tried again . I grabbed its collar to try to stop its attempt at humping my dog. The owner FINALLY approached & threatened to punch me, if I touched her dog again. I did not reply, just got in my car & left A.S.A.P. I have found, in several recent incidents, that people, some not as aggressive as the one described, INSIST in a very pushy manner, that there must be wrong with me &/OR my dog, if I try to avoid approach from their dog. This occurs in both on & off lead areas.
Linda says
Whenever I am ready to comment on the behavior of someone else’s dog, I ask myself..WWPD? (What Would Patricia Do).
Melissa says
It really is fraught! Thank you for addressing this issue. So many people do not seem to understand that demanding people call and leash their dogs and giving them an earful about leash laws for example is not going to help anything.
I’m a behaviourist, but folks don’t know that when I’m walking around minding my own business, and I’m not going to be better received with unsolicited advice if I start with “I have a PhD in dog behaviour.” To Australians at least, that sounds like grandstanding, and no one likes people that big note themselves. So, my rule is I don’t offer unsolicited advice period. Never. It doesn’t matter what is unfolding in front of me. If I want to say something, I have to find a way to get people to ask me (and they won’t ask just because I say I’m a professional). Otherwise, I have to find another way to impart some message that does not look like offering unsolicited advice.
What I have found most useful is offering that I had the same problem with one of my dogs. If I have my dogs with me and they are acting like angels (I have spitz breeds and a hound – I could be lucky), then the owner might look at my dogs, take in that I supposedly have experienced the same issues they have and have evidently successfully solved it, and then they might ask me how I did it. Bingo!
If I’m not in a position to have a conversation with someone, I might talk to their dog rather than them. “Ohhhh, it’s okay, you’re just a bit scared is all. I’ll let you decide if you want to say hello. You don’t have to.” Same goes for if I’m trying to manage someone upsetting one of my dogs. I talk to my dog. “I know, that dog is big and boisterous. Come up on this rock where you’re out of the way. See, she’s friendly. You’re safe.” The purpose is to impart information without making it seem like I’m casting judgement in some way on the owner. Most of the time people respond to what I’m saying to the dog by going along with whatever I’m on about. If I’m reassuring my dog, they usually call their dog back. If I’m letting their dog show what it wants, they will usually withdraw and watch instead of pushing. Having a very small dog, some owners of larger dogs get a bit miffed if I pick my dog up. They think I must think their dog is a danger to my dog, and that alone is enough to make them grumpily tell me that their dog is not going to hurt my dog. So I’ve learned to try to put them at ease by telling my dog that their dog is friendly. They are not bothered if they know she’s scared of being skittled by a larger dog. That makes sense to them and they’ll cooperate with me usually without being asked. They just don’t want me to think their dog is threatening.
I think it pays to remember that for many people, their dog’s behaviour is a reflection on them, just like their kid’s behaviour is a reflection on them. They are not, in their heads, that person who lets their dog or kid misbehave and impact negatively on others. They are not an impolite person. So, if their dog is doing something that I think is impolite, if I give them any reason to suspect that is what I am thinking, I plunge them into cognitive dissonance. It will not go well. They will be trying to find reasons why they are not the person I think they are. It’s better if I don’t force them into that defensive position. Better that I give them cues they can act on to be a good citizen and help me out rather than confronting the possibility they are being a poor citizen. Most people want to be a good citizen, so the answer is you open the door and hope they walk through on their own.
Kristin says
Like Martin, I’ve been on the other side of this with a reactive dog (frustrated greeter), and I’ve encountered some really nasty people who apparently have been blessed with perfect dogs all their lives. That, or they raised them all from puppies – which means didn’t have to contend with someone else’s sins from their formative years after adopting them from the local shelter and being told they don’t show any reaction to other dogs at all in response to a direct question (snort). Whatever the case, they are sure to let you know it.
Despite Aki’s leash reactivity, he loves playing with other dogs and seems to be good at it, from my limited experience. He handicaps himself if they are smaller than him, he will happily share his water bowl with them, and he doesn’t mind them coming into his yard or onto “his” deck. I know this because next door’s beagle puppy is a persistent escape artist! His first move upon meeting most dogs face to face by accident when ON leash – and I do try to avoid this at all costs, by the way! – after the obligatory sniffing, is to play-bow and then run around at the end of the leash like an exuberant lunatic. This makes a nice change from when he is lunging, whining and barking at the end of the leash like an equally exuberant but scary lunatic if the dog doesn’t break into his personal space bubble right away to say hi, before he has a chance to think about it and picks up steam. I have never once seen Aki growl or snarl at a dog he has managed to meet while he’s on-leash, regardless of their leash status – but several have responded that way to him (when they’re off-leash, of course – which I try to avoid).
I walk Aki in a park and adjacent wetland trails that are laid out so that I have a decent view of most areas and can course-correct if I want to avoid an oncoming dog. I am vigilant in my management – so much so, that our trainers congratulated me. I would love to not have to be so vigilant. There is a bark park on-site, so we practice “look at me” from a safe distance with string cheese. Sometimes I allow him to greet a friendly dog away from the bark park if he maintains calm and the other owner and dog are okay with it (or if they suddenly appear from behind a tree or something, before I can turn and implement Operation “This Way!”). There are a few blind spots, which is how we once found ourselves surrounded by a pack of three off-leash huskies. :O (I love huskies and had one growing up – not throwing shade here.) But as they came up to us while Aki had his nose to the ground, he simply got to sniff them before their owner called them away without incident.
One memorable morning, a couple was walking ahead of their beagle off leash through the parking lot. I saw them, but not the beagle, as I had just pulled into the parking space. This was only a week or so after Aki had been attacked by an off-leash dog. The beagle suddenly appeared right after we got out of the car. He was ignoring us – the quintessential neutral dog, oh how peaceful a life that must be! – but he came sniffing around the front of our car before I could get Aki far enough away. Aki went into what I call “berserker mode,” whether due to the dog’s proximity or the fact that the dog was ignoring him (or both). As Aki got increasingly agitated, I pleaded with the man to call his dog away. And instead of doing so, he kept walking in the opposite direction with his wife, neither of them even looking at me, and told me I needed to get control of my animal. I said, he was just attacked by a dog, why can’t you just call yours over?! Nope. I think he thought he was teaching me a lesson! That is not the only time someone has been uncharitable and basically accused me of not doing enough to control my dog (or should I say “animal” – they like to use “animal” when they are accusing you and your dog of bad behavior).
I gratefully accept non-judgmental pearls of wisdom, especially if delivered with sympathy, when I’ve failed to keep Aki below threshold despite my constant vigilance. But I immediately bristle at the merest hint that Aki is a bad dog/animal (one woman told me I needed to “get a choke chain on that one” – didn’t even rise to the level of “animal” that time!), or implying that I haven’t put in the effort to train him. You don’t know us, you don’t know how many mornings I have been out here trying to practice calm dog sightings, let alone calm greetings, you don’t know how many pieces of string cheese I’ve cut up, how many chicken breasts and cubes of steak I’ve cooked and cut up the night before, how many books I’ve read, how many websites I’ve consulted (like this one – which very well may have saved my relationship with Aki early on), how many training sessions we’ve done before the pandemic screwed everything up, etc. etc. You also don’t know that he is the most affectionate and sharpest dog I’ve ever met who sits to say please, has never once had an accident in the house since the day we brought him home, comes to snuggle in bed with me until I fall asleep, walked through the agility practice tire within minutes of me unpacking it (with the help of some ground beef), and hands me his paw to trim his nails (I’m taking credit for that one – well, Dr. McConnell deserves most of the credit for teaching me about desensitization and counterconditioning). You. Don’t. Know.
I think a little kindness and humility is in order when considering whether to offer unsolicited comments or advice. I get it – if someone (and I assure you, that someone will never be me) lets their dog come bounding up to yours with a “he’s friendly!” that’s bad and you need to have your dog’s back. I can relate – I need that out on the trail like I need a hole in my head. But the snide comments about not training your dog when some of us HAVE BEEN TRAINING our dogs is just…not helpful. I don’t set the pace of that training – my dog does. I don’t punish or intimidate my dog. If I lose my patience and speak crossly to him, I regard that as my failure, not his, and that failure sits with me for the entire rest of the day. He’s doing his best, I’m doing my best – it’s not for lack of trying or investment or research or whatever. I’m sure there are people out there who don’t train their dogs properly before unleashing them on an unsuspecting world. But there are also those of us who are trying to do right by their dogs. My dog deserves to exercise and explore – sorry if he barks at your (illegally off-leash) dog. Hey, we’re in training!
Good luck, Martin. I know the struggle. My best to Nanuk – I’m sure he is a fabulous dog and you are lucky to have found each other. And thank you for providing a space to learn and share, Dr. McConnell. This blog and your books have been a dogsend.
Annie B says
Love the hummer pics. Maggie looks like my cats sleeping. I think….no way can that feel good!
Luann says
“I learned to say this after hearing, many hundreds of times, “Oh, dogs just love me” (mostly women) and “I’m not afraid of dogs!” Both of these comments were always made as a person bent forward, hands outstretched, face moving laser-like toward a cowering dog in response to my request to toss treats. You gotta love training, no matter the species, right?”
I just want to print this ‘graph on business cards and hand them out – it’s so perfect!
Boo was a very “hard” dog in so many ways – I had no tools to safely and effectively navigate some of her issues. An amazing trainer who is now a dear friend and mentor taught me to always stand up for my dog and offered great tactical aversion and defense mechanisms for both other dog and other owner to keep that teeter totter even.
I have passed this knowledge on to so many people who can’t believe the difference this approach makes for these situations.
Thanks for the great post and photos! Oh – I have a “chair sleeper” too – there must be SOMETHING to it! 🙂
Shana says
Yeah, while I love the idea of throwing a handful of treats in the other dog’s face while it’s running towards me, I’m afraid that (in my experience) nothing short of pepper spray will actually work. I’m with Alex W on this… I very, very firmly respond to the “my dog is friendly!” off-leash people by saying “mine isn’t! put your dog on leash!” and have pepper spray on hand now when we’re on low-visibility trails (even though on-leash is required, people don’t comply).
When people try and tell me that dogs are friendlier off-leash, I give them an earful about the multiple off-leash dogs that have attacked my on-leash while he was minding his own business.
Tina Ferner says
My most concern comes when I see shock collar trainers out in our parks training dogs. I end up just not knowing what to say but being so extremely upset by the abuse that is going on. Sometimes the dog is showing more “subtle” signs of stress such as tucked tail, closed mouth, lip lick; while other times the dog is actually yelping in distress. Once I walked up and said “This dog is clearly in distress” and the trainer said, “well the owner is right here and we are just training her to walk on a leash”. The dog was a 10 pound little mixed breed. I wish I knew what to say or do in these situations. It causes extreme upset on my part and I can’t stop thinking about the poor dog afterward. If anyone has suggestions, I am grateful! Wonderful photos!
Jamie Root says
Excellent article and many good comments.
The need to give advice is overwhelming sometimes and coming in from a sympathetic angle is always best.
I used praise in the elementary classroom. The “Pointing Finger” was great to encourage nervous or completely shut down students. I wandered the class while they did an assignment and the finger would dart to something it liked. For some papers it could be their name at the top!
A fellow teacher asked me how I got one student to do such nice work, because he refused to do any work or participate in her classroom.
When I said I praised any effort he made, she said she would never stoop to praise! The student should work just because she was his teacher.
I completely took her question at a professional level. My mistake. Should have remembered she ran her classes with an iron fist.
Change takes effort.
Melanie Hawkes says
I am guilty of saying things that may have been offensive. But was usually in defence of my own dog (re my neighbour’s dog barking which upsets my dog), or from my heart (my retired service dog got really fat in my uncle’s care). But I had the opposite happen to me too: a man driving a white van slowed down to tell me how good he thought my dog was (Upton had just jumped on some mattresses on a verge). The man had no idea that men and white vans were major triggers for Upton, and we quickly moved away before he barked. The man probably thought we were rude for ignoring his compliment!
Sheridan Davis says
Super helpful post and commentary Dr. McConnell. Thank you! Imho humans are the most difficult animals to train. Thanks for your great training tips!
Jenny Haskins says
Advice I got has a child:
If you cannot say anything nice, say nothing!
Unless the dog is really threatening you or yours.
I have resorted sometimes to asking other people about their dog. It help prevent problems.
I had one Autistic dog, She would not eat and was skinny. I was seeing the vet about the problem, but I had many insults when walking her – some gratuitous advice, but mostly threats to report me for dog abuse
Joey B. says
“…I think I was becoming a people-reactive human” I can totally relate to you, Alex W!
Being a young(er) person with hearing aids, someone yelling at me from a distance does NOT work ever, so please just be conscious of this possibility, when you are “yelling” at someone from a distance, it may actually cause a person trying to understand what you are saying to come in closer, the opposite of what you may actually want.
Giang says
wow, really helpful article and it was wonderful to read all the comments to learn from everyone’s perspective!
I tend to focus on talking to my dog Bonnie instead of talking to other humans. Bonnie is very sweet and loves to say hi to all humans, but because she is a large breed (80 lbs plus a lot of floof), sometimes strangers who have never met her before get intimidated. In those situations, when I’m walking her and I see that she wants to pull toward a person walking by, I usually say “I know, I know you want to say hi, Bonnie, but can we keep walking? Keep walking!”. Then I walk her along and give her a little treat for looking back at me. I found that if I smile and act at ease, it puts the other person at ease too. Maybe they thought that since I’m all relaxed about it, my dog must have a good track record with people?
It wasn’t always easy to walk Bonnie though, since she loves to chase bunnies and squirrels. I got her when she was about 2 years old and oh boy, it was like she had never been walked on a leash. She kept running zigzag in front of me, then doubled back and ran zigzag behind me. One day about a month after I got her, the snow started falling and Bonnie suddenly had way more energy than usual. On our usual morning walk, she somehow sniffed out a rat and tried to eat it. I didn’t let her and it resulted in a tug game where she tried to pull on her leash to run free from me. A guy was walking towards us with a tiny dog and when he saw me struggling with Bonnie, he asked “would you like me to stand to the side for a bit?”. I said “yes please I’m having a hard time with her this morning”. The funny thing though is when Bonnie saw the guy, she completely forgot about the rat and focused on appeasing the new human instead. So she started sitting and putting on her usual cute face. I felt like what the guy did for me was helpful, just a polite offer to stay out of the way, no judgment. (I guess it would be helpful too if he had turned his dog around and walked away from us instead of toward us.)
I have a lot of sympathy for people who are working to train their dogs, since my work with Bonnie hasn’t always been smooth sailing. The one thing that I can’t stand though is when someone lets their dog run free and then pay no attention to the dog. I have seen this a lot at my local dog park. Owners often bring their dog into the park and then buried their heads in their phones without so much as a glance at the dog. Some owners even left their dog alone in the park and went back to sit in their car! I also have a hard time with people who ignore their dog’s signs of discomfort and just say “oh he will figure it out”. One time a guy brought his very nervous dog to the park. The dog was uncomfortable with greeting other dogs and started barking and growling at any dog that came near. The guy ignored his dog completely, and when I called Bonnie away to give his dog space, he looked at me and said “it’s okay, don’t worry about it, they will figure it out.” Oh wow, I had to try very hard not to say “yeah they will figure it out in a dog fight alright”.
I tend to bite my tongue and focus on calling Bonnie to leave whenever an overtly nervous or aggressive dog enters the dog park. If someone’s dog humps Bonnie or pushes her to the ground, I do my best to command the other dog to get off. If the other dog is just a rambunctious puppy (i.e. small and friendly, just doesn’t know any better), sometimes I even gently push the dog off with my hand. I suspect some owners don’t like that I handle their dogs, but I just can’t stand there and watch Bonnie suffer. She would turn her head and look miserable when she’s humped or pushed to the ground, and I just can’t stand it. After the other dog gets off Bonnie, I ignore both dog and owner and just call Bonnie to leave.
My reasoning for not talking to the other owner is that I don’t want any trouble with anyone. However, I’ve found that this approach results in a lot of frustration on my part. Instead of setting boundaries with other dog owners, I go home and complain to my spouse, which is not fair to him. So eventually I just stopped going to the dog park completely. Maybe it’s just my local community, but I’ve found the dog park to be a very stressful place due to all the owners who are not on the same page with me about dog training and responsibility.
The bottom line for me is I hope everyone tries their best to train their dog and monitors their dog at all times. No one can do a perfect job, but if everyone tries, it would make the world a much safer place.