I just can’t write much today. I’m both gutted and enraged by what’s going on nationally related to sexual assault and trauma. I cycle between stunned immobility and anger-fueled empowerment. I’ve struggled about what to write–nothing? Repeat a post? But the feeling that I had to say something wouldn’t go away. And then I realized I’ve already said something. As a matter of fact, I wrote a whole book about it. Here’s part of it:
From The Education of Will, Healing a Dog, Facing My Fears, Reclaiming My Life:
I wasn’t crazy about my job at the nonprofit, but I did enjoy organizing our annual conference. During my last year there, I was also responsible for presenting a talk on the importance of including women in treatment plans for alcoholics. . . An hour before my presentation, nervous about the talk, and with dozens of conference details for me to manage, the director asked if I could fill in at a meeting and take notes.
Now? Really? Of course I said yes. I walked into a conference room with fifteen men sitting around a table. I sat down, and the director said his name and asked others to introduce themselves. That man to his left introduced himself, then turned to the next person to do the same.
My heart sped up as the participants introduced themselves around the table. Soon it would be my turn to speak. My hands began to shake, and it became increasingly difficult to write the names of the attendees. All my life I had been terrified of talking in front of people. My throat closed up and my mind went blank whenever people turned and looked at me expectantly. I even took up needlework in my twenties so that I could avoid eye contact when surrounded by my first husband’s colleagues.
The introductions were getting closer to me. I practiced in my head what I would say: “I’m Patricia McConnell, and I’m the administrative assistant.”
I needn’t have worried. The man to my right said his piece and then turned his head in my direction. As I was opening my mouth to say my name, the man to my left spoke over me. It hadn’t even occurred to him that I would introduce myself. As the recording secretary and the only woman in the group, I wasn’t expected to have a voice. As I sat in stunned silence, my face hot with humiliation, the introductions continued around the table.
I would like to tell you that I began my career solely because of a deep-seated passion for animals. It’s true that this was my primary motivation. But underneath my love of animals, I was motivated by something else. After years of feeling like I had no voice, I wanted to be the one with something to say, even though I was afraid to do so. Everyone needs a voice and needs to be listened to. Including dogs. Maybe I could give them that. Maybe I could give it to myself.
A voice. Everyone needs to be heard, not just the powerful. That’s true of all people who presently are not being listening to, and it’s true of animals who are trying to communicate with us, without the luxury of language. Here’s to the efforts of brave people all around the world who are working toward using their own voices to say what needs to be said, and to hear what needs to be heard.
MEANWHILE, back on the farm: Here’s a photo illustrating much of what I did this week in an attempt to stay sane — garden. (I couldn’t bring myself to put these jeans in the washer. I threw them away. Surely they deserved a rest.)
Here is Maggie, reminding me to tell you that she GOT TO WORK SHEEP ON SATURDAY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER YES SHE IS YELLING BECAUSE OMG SHE GOT TO WORK SHEEP!!! Our extensive physical therapy sessions and conservative exercise restrictions (and maybe Adequan injections twice a week?) are paying off. Her legs look really good right now, but I am still moving at a snail’s pace. I was going to work her today (granted, for 5 minutes max) but it’s rained 5 inches in the last 36 hours and the world is one slippery mud hole right now. Poor kid, she’ll have to wait for this next batch of ridiculous rain to stop.
Tell me something good. There’s always something, no matter how small.
Kristin Lucey says
You have so aptly described my feelings about last week (and continuing into this one).
Here’s my small “something good” for you, although it feels huge (to me)… Last week, I attended a conference in Aspen of women mass tort trial attorneys (called “Women En Mass” or WEM). This was the 6th year of the conference and it’s really the only one I ever WANT to attend. The materials this year included a quote by Sheryl Sandberg (from “Lean In” which I haven’t yet read): “Women need to shift from thinking ‘I’m not ready to do that’ to thinking ‘I want to do that — and I’ll learn by doing it.’” That quote and my rage, distress and gut-sinking feelings after the SCOTUS hearings were, apparently, just the nudges I needed.
So – I’ve started filling out my application to Jean Donaldson’s The Academy for Dog Trainers. I’ve been volunteering at a shelter for 5 years. I have no idea how I’m going to do this as well as my full-time law job but (assuming I’m accepted), I’ll learn by doing it.
Here goes nothing. Action feels so much better than inaction…
Margaret McLaughlin says
Yes, exactly. You said it. Thank you.
Emily Moore says
Something good is when a woman I admire shares feelings that are so very much like mine. Thank-you.
Trisha says
You go Kristin!
Octopus Gallery says
I needed something positive to do this week as well so I volunteered to foster a momma dog and her neonatal pups. This is the first time I’ve ever raised puppies. So far so good, except for my sleep schedule, and I’d rather lose sleep to this than anything else. If anyone else needs puppy pics, they’re at adoptthisdoge.tumblr.com
Trisha says
Thanks Emily, much appreciated.
Joy Waddington says
Very well said thanks from UK! Having lived with and loved dogs all my life I’m finally ( in my early 60’s) next year training to run scent detection classes-my passion! Also I’ve been to some intuitive communication workshops so I can truly listen to my dogs and other beings to give them all a voice. You’re an inspiration.
Vivian Cafarella says
Thank you Trisha for sharing your feelings. Woman must be strong and speak out. Too often we have been overlooked or not taken seriously but progress is being made one woman at a time. We will not go away.
Kandy says
Trish, thanks for your positivity. Yes, everyone needs a voice, but sometimes we women forget this and automatically step back in the face of a strong personality. Right now I really need my own strength dealing with a family member’s sudden diagnosis. I’m the strong one right now, but needed your reminder.
PS I’ve been a volunteer dog walker/novice trainer in both N.Y. and FL for several yrs and admire Kristin for advancing to professional level.
I rely on all of your training techniques with all my charges and my own rescue pup.
You’ve made an enormous change in what I do. The dogs keep me on a level plain and give me so much more than I can ever give them.
PS love your jeans!
Lydia says
You’ve echoed the sentiments of so many of us -certainly I have cycled through similar feelings of shock and rage this past week. And I started to feel a sinking dread considering what the likely outcome of all of this might be, but then…I remembered these dark moments are so often the catalyst to our brightest lights. Now is not the time to give up hope, but to press forward towards a better future. The light is being shined on some disturbing things, but that’s also the only way things ever get changed.
I think many of us who have rescued dogs and other pets have had the experience of dealing with a seemingly hopeless challenge (or two!) And then with continuous effort, a lot of love, and the commitment to a better life for our beloved pets, there’s a day when it all starts to turn around. I’ve learned many lessons from my pups-not the least of which is to never give up the hope of a better future and that any and all efforts to that end are never wasted. I say this as someone who has been subjected to sexual assault, and felt the terror and rage of so many years past resurface this past week. This IS our time for our voices to be heard-again and again and again until things change. We have broken through a seemingly impenetrable wall and will no longer be silenced. Our voices are as strong and clear as our spirits and that is certainly something to feel good and hopeful about. The momentum has started-now we run with it.
L ynn Haughwout says
On the verge of tears reading this. Had a fight with my husband over this subject. (He supports Trump.) I know I don’t really have to say much because you understand. I wish I could flush my brain and start over with a being positive in a negative world, start over.
Vicki in Michigan says
People went to ActBlue on Thursday and donated a BODACIOUS amount of money to Democratic candidates. That made me feel better.
Get mad, then DO something. Write a book. 🙂 Write a postcard to your representatives, to say THANKS, or “A person who has a temper tantrum during a job interview gets told ‘NO’!” Give a few dollars. Join a phone bank. Write get-out-the-vote postcards with PostcardsToVoters.org (they tell you what to say for a given candidate, and give you addresses). Put up a yard sign. Wear a button.
Register. VOTE.
We are not powerless unless we decline to act. Every bit each of us does makes a difference.
LisaW says
I’m just beginning to write a grant proposal outline to recruit an intern to work on campus with our inter-faith and non-faith communities. This person will be a recent graduate who may or may not go on to divinity school, but will be headed in some sort of world-peace direction; the idea is to create community among disparate groups to examine the diverse and divine. We need this type of opportunity now so much and by making space for all regardless of religious affiliation or agnosticism, we hope to help teach and learn from each other and help inform our future leaders. There is hope for moving forward in here somewhere.
On a lighter note — Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter was published on October 2, 1902. It had been turned down by publishers, so Beatrix Potter self-published the book, which has sold more than 45 million copies, been translated into 36 languages, and has been made into a film. Potter helped conserved thousands of acres of land in England, she bred prize-winning sheep, and she was a farmer and environmentalist.
And to think it all started with believing in yourself, perseverance, braveness, and telling a timeless story! (Sound familiar 😉
Jennifer says
I have read your beautiful, touching memoir and am so grateful for your courage and determination to be on the side of healing. So I’ve got something good for you on the topic of finding a voice! My shepherd-husky rescue, now nearly three years old, has been a Feisty Fido, reactive especially to other dogs but to people too. We have been working the reactivity protocol for about a year now and he’s got a good auto-watch and can walk calmly when other dogs are passing by across the street. Pretty awesome progress in a year’s time. Last week, two small neighborhood dogs got loose and came straight at us while we were walking in an alley. One was displaying appropriate warning behaviors, but the other had aggression in her eyes and came right at Lucky and nipped him in the face. Adrenalized but still thinking, I did all the tricks–tried to run away, threw a handful of treats in their faces–but these didn’t have much effect. Lucky handled himself like a champ, barking without lunging or aggression. I was hollering at the dogs to stay put while their owners were coming to scoop them up and then suddenly realized that the creature who knew what to do in this situation was Lucky and, by George, he was doing it! I looked at him and gently said to him while he was appropriately barking, “You tell ’em, Lucky!” The dogs stayed a few feet away, the owners came out, very apologetic, and no further fuss. Soonafter, a neighbor came out to check on us and Lucky quickly settled down and was able to stand quietly while we processed the whole situation. It was amazing and so encouraging to see him handle himself so maturely and capably. Thank you for helping me help Lucky find his voice. We have to heal the world one creature at a time.
Minnesota Mary says
You are a survivor Trisha. Your survival is a result of your strength and resolve to keep placing one foot in front of the other. I admire you and hope your strength and resolve continue to enable you to do great things in this broken world. Thank you for sharing your story in The Education of Will. I cannot imagine how you have manged to be whole after those experiences. Maybe some of the credit for your heart healing is due to Will. Blessings to you!
Grandma says
Sorry that happened to you. Sounds like the 1920s. I was lucky, being raised by a father and mother with advanced degrees and expecting the same of their children, girls or boys. My father was made fun of when he sent us girls to college in the 50s and 60s….such is life. What’s good? Life, Hope, Action. Knowing everyone has ups and downs, some extreme, but we endure, find new ways. It works.
Ellen says
Tricia, Thank you. This passage stuck with me the first time I read your book; I strongly related to the experience of feeling both afraid to speak up then belittled when not given the chance. Wonderful choice to highlight the need for everyone to be heard.
My good news: Miles (9 year old standard poodle) finally got to go for a hike last week! He practically melts in temperatures over 70 degrees, so Ohio’s recent cool snap gave us our first chance in months go for a romp in the woods. It’s such a joy to see him transform from lazy gentleman to goofy pup again.
Chanin says
Thank you, Trisha, for bringing this politically charged week into the conversation! Our voices must and will be heard.
Susan Tyson says
Umm… your jeans were just getting warmed up in my mind! Many more hours of good muddy gardening left in them!
Teddy says
Thank you for this. Having discovered your writing when you were already a well-respected doctor, behaviorist and writer, I am humbled to know that you were just like many of us at the start: in the position of being talked over and treated with casual paternalism.
When I was in the Navy (1980s/early 902), I once had a talk with a warrant officer whom I thought was young enough to be enlightened. I expressed frustration at the limitations placed on women in the armed forces. I had wanted to cross rate to a job similar to mine, but performed on a plane (the P3 Orion, propeller ASW plane). I was barred due to the fact that women at the time couldn’t be aircrew on combatant planes. It sounds silly now, what with women flying fighters, but this was the 80s. I told him that women should be allowed to serve in any job they were physically capable of. His response? “It costs about $1 million to train a fighter pilot. Why should the Navy spend all that on someone who will just get pregnant and waste the money and training?” Welcome to the real world, right?
If any good can come out of the past two years of political nastiness, one year or so of #MeToo and last week’s debacle, it’s that women are refusing to be put back in the place they were forced into for so long. We have shown the world that one needn’t be shrill to be heard. And many marginalized people around the country have gotten involved in order to make positive changes for all of us.
And I’m sorry about all your mud. I live in the desert Southwest, and would gladly accept your unwanted rain! Although it’s raining as I speak; the remnants of Hurricane Rosa are gifting us with some much-needed moisture.
Margo says
I LOVED your book, Trisha… wow…
Here is something good, my very old (16? 17? Her son Sammy is 15 now) dog Echo made it through a big operation on her back a couple of weeks ago, to remove a cyst that had suddenly become a huge problem… she goes back to my wonderful vet clinic tomorrow to have the stitches out. Every day with her is a gift! She was so good at the clinic, for her operation. They all thought it was funny that when she woke up, she wanted a snack… that’s my Echo! Wish I could clone her, and have many little Echos….echo….echo… (ha!)
I agree, those jeans wanted to retire. Even I would retire them, and I wear pretty awful jeans. Speaking of, I am about to go start digging mud away from in front of my barn. Lots of rain, and the mud has gotten worse over the years, with the horses tromping through it, so I can only think I need to remove some! I’ll get out my wrist braces…
Regina R Allen says
You are such a strong women – thank you for using your voice to bring these issues to many people!
Paula says
Something good is, I’ll be coming to hear you speak in Appleton, Wi next Monday – looking forward to it!
Shana says
Thank you Trisha! This reflects my feelings and experiences (working in the oil industry when there were few women) as well! It is also encouraging to read all of the supportive responses as well. All I can say to those of us in the US is use your voice to speak out and above all else use the power of your vote!
Susan Santics says
Oct 2, 2018
I am thankful for your brave voice. I am preparing to go to Supreme Court in Vancouver, BC. to speak for my dog, who has been labelled “dangerous” because he bit a vet assistant and trainer who abruptly took him by the leash away from me when he was younger, about nine months old. I now know this is one of the “fear periods” for dogs.
The last bite, which they are most concerned about, was below the knee and did not require any stitches. He got away from me when he chased a crow, which led him to her suntanning in an off-leash dog park. She got up and screamed at me “Ma’am control your dog!” He then bit her as I was running towards them.
He was 2-1/2 when he was seized, and was just neutered three months earlier. I now know neutering stops the production of serotonin and other good hormones, along with testosterone. I did notice that he was more fearful-barked louder after his operation.
He is an Australian Cattle dog, and I did not get him enough formal training. I was more focused on getting him lots of exercise. I was very ignorant of training methods, and did not know about you when I first got him. I have noticed good videos appeared when I looked up behaviourists instead of trainers. I didn’t even know what a behaviourist consisted of.
Anyway, I sure wish that I had known of you two years ago. I have since read For the Love of a Dog and The Education of Will, and love them both.
Thank you for finding your voice and using it.
CJ in Canada says
Something good – well, two things:
A fellow dog friend asked if I wanted a rescue border collie puppy from a litter she’s helping raise with the promise “we’re going to socialize these puppies with all the best people”.
A teacher when I was in sixth grade gathered all the girls in grades 6-8 and told us how to speak up. And what never to tolerate. And now I hear lots and lots of voices speaking up to be heard too.
Kathy says
Perhaps a look at history can give us some perspective. Today is very dark, very dark indeed, and the decisions that are being made right now are horrifying and will have long-lasting consequences. But. We have been even more racist and even more sexist in our past. We HAVE made progress. Not so long ago, women were property, then had the same legal standing as children. Now? Well, it’s a long, long way from perfect, but it IS better. African Americans face casual, institutionalized, and violent racism every day, but at least now we call it what it is and many of us try hard to address it in ourselves and others. Not even 10 years ago, gays and lesbians had no right to marry, to adopt, to be guaranteed job protections anywhere. Now, as I said before, it’s a long way from perfect, but it IS better. The pendulum will swing back, especially if enough of us push it in the right direction.
Lara says
Adequan is wonderful! I have had great results with multiple dogs. I’m so glad you are giving it to Mags!
carol pleskoff says
Thank you for your comments and we must make our voices heard. Looking forward to your visit to Appleton.
Barb Stanek says
With the cooler weather, the mosquito population is declining. In my world, this is monumental!
Monika & Sam says
I just finished your book. Stunning, poetic and a great read! Sending oodles of poodles accolades on a terrific book.
Diane says
Thank you for your voice. I’ve never used to be politically motivated at all…and I hate to see the divisiveness that has come to this country. We all would benefit having a higher voice backed by good ideology….all we have now in this country is… (ok won’t go there). What’s good is finding our voice, seeking the strength we need, and thanking those who inspire. Thank you.
Gregory Lee says
I’m retired at 55 after spending half my adult life as a solider, the other half in the family real estate business. I was a special ops soldier, a world of hard charging kick ass world of alpha males, but, I hate men. What I have seen go on in our country the last two years and currently with the Supreme Court pick makes my stomach roll. Even with my background I have always been more comfortable around women. It has made me proud to see the Me Too movement, to see women step forward and demand to be treated right and EQUAL. I wish women ran everything, and I really mean that. I believe things would be so much better with you all in charge. Be strong ladies, make the modern day cavemen treat you right. I’ve seen courage in combat many times and I saw that courage in Kristine Fords face when she testified. I’m so proud of her for coming forward.
On the canine side I to have decided to apply to the Jean Donaldson’s school. My retirement will consist of building high quality furniture and helping fearful dogs regain their proper mindset and trust in the world. If you have watched the ASPCA show 2nd Chance Dogs then you know the dogs I want to help. I’m even considering relocating to Weaverville N.C. to be near the ASPCA’s rehab center. I’d love to volunteer there and learn from them.
Be strong ladies, be strong!
Alice R. says
I feel the same. So impotently angry. To all the men who cry “I worry about my son in this environment”. What about your daughters!?! I don’t worry about my son as he was raised to respect women and choice. I worry about my daughter, but feel better when I listen to my kids (34 and 39) and hear a new generation roar.
I have not been raped, but I have been sexually assaulted twice in my younger days. What I remember: every moment of it, my fear, anger, the event where it happened and the town or country (depending on the event I attended), and about a three year window when it could have happened. What I don’t remember: exactly when, exactly where, who I told, if I had one drink or two. I have over the years been amazed at how much I don’t remember when the event itself is so clear. I didn’t understand until I listened to some counselors in the recent news that said how normal this is.
I will not give in to these people. I will make my voice heard. I will vote. I will not let any of these comments go by in the conversation. I will not go quietly into the dark night.
Gregory Lee says
If you are interested Jean Donaldson does a course at thegreatcoursesplus.com. She does about fourteen hours of lecture in the course. I’ve watched it twice now and it’s what lead me to consider applying to her academy.
Brandy says
Trisha, I read your book earlier this year. Thank you for writing about your experience; I felt less alone in mine. I too am struggling right now, but as others have said, this is what it looks like when we do the work and “clean the fish tank”; first all the crap has to come out.
Good things are everywhere, and I’m trying very hard to remember to lo0k for them. My sister is moving closer, so that’s my good thing to share. Thank you for being a voice that refuses to be silent!
Tommy Neblett says
Thank you Patricia. As a 58yo man who was repeated molested by my junior high school teacher and never spoke about until recently, I completely understand why survivors of sexual abuse may take years to come forth with their stories. The something good is how you feel after opening up and being honest. The pain never goes away, but the shame does.
lak says
Yep, this past week was a doozie. Doesn’t bode well for any women who wants to come out and talk about/report sexual abuse. The good ole boy network is still at large. And the President..I have no words. The treatment of Dr Ford has been disgraceful.
Beverly Ann Hebert says
Trish, thank you for taking a public stand. I stand with you. Best, Beverly
Nickla says
Apparently the sex offender, fraudulent, narcisstic POTUS and the mass murderer Dear Leader of N Korea are both contenders for the Nobel Peace Prize. Along with head of Catholic Church – hugely controversial with history of abuse, abduction and murder of children in its long, dark history. Are we in The Matrix? Perhaps Elon Musk is onto something – our reality is actually a simulation and the sociopath is playing. Perhaps it’s a delayed April Fool’s prank. If it’s none of these things then I am not sure I understand this world anymore.
https://news.sky.com/story/nobel-peace-prize-trump-and-kim-contenders-after-peace-talks-11517426
Trisha – your book has inspired me to be completely honest with myself and has inspired me to speak up and confront my past and some of the people in it. It’s like a weight off my shoulders….
Trisha says
Thank you so much for speaking out Tommy. It’s critical for people to remember that many men are sexually assaulted too, and oh yes, so true that the scars are always there but the shame goes away once it is exposed to light. So glad you wrote in…
KKB says
Thank you for your post! I too have felt impotent rage, and am trying to channel it into something positive. My pupper is learning a new set of tricks, and so far, so good.
E says
Absolutely agree! News about the Nobel Peace Prize going to advocates for sexual violence victims advocates offered me a bit of comfort! Thanks yet again for your inspiring words.
Chris from Boise says
I echo the many thanks to you for speaking out. After this past couple of weeks, I’m taking baby steps toward activism: asking my neighbors if they’d like campaign signs for their lawns when I request mine (HUGE step for me to announce publicly who I support), and notifying my congressmen that I too have been assaulted (in the ’70s and ’80s) and that I vote. I have to admit it took me a week to nerve myself up to post on this one – I have only ever told my husband until now. Still carrying around what I now can see is needless shame.
If we could only get all the people who have been sexually assaulted in one place (per state), perhaps those in power would recognize that it is a BIG DEAL and that we will no longer be silenced. I’m not an organizer, but I’d show up to that event. As long as it wasn’t publicized solely on Facebook…some of us Luddites are not on that.
One good thing: there are still many good things. Gratitude for all of them is my daily practice. Right now my best thing is hikes with joyful Obi.
Trisha says
Good for you for speaking out! I’m so proud of you!!! (And so sorry to hear…) Sorry I’ve been slow to respond, I had to take a break for awhile, in part cuz I had two speeches about this issue last Friday and Monday and was feeling overwhelmed. But ‘coming out’ is so critically important, and I am SO PROUD of you for doing so. Here’s a hug from me, and a metaphorical sloppy kiss to Obi.
ahem says
Would it be of any comfort to you if I informed you that Kavanaugh and Obama’s candidate, Judge Merrick Garland, ruled identically 93% of the time?
Maybe–just maybe—the world is not coming to an end.
Kristin says
Update: I was accepted into the Academy for Dog Trainers yesterday!! 2 years of studying and training and learning and practicing starts 1/1/19 and I am so, so excited. Thanks to you, Dr. McConnell, as well as you commenters on here, from whom I am so often inspired.
Onward!!!
Robin says
Voices of women. As much as I hate hearing continuing stories of assaults against women , I rejoice in the voices with the courage to relate them. Because I can remember growing up in the 50’s and 60’s , the stories were seldom told . Men were seldom charged. And women were often not believed when they did find the courage, their voices. There needed to be visual physical proof present, or they ran the risk of being publicly shamed and humiliated with the accusations of being a liar. So yes I shudder with disgust and remembered pain, that these things are still happening, in a supposedly advanced society of human beings.
Women of the world, NEVER lose your voice! It is still your best friend. And it must be heard.