Who Keeps the Dog?

January is “Divorce Month.” Who knew. I got divorced from my two practice husbands in other months, but it does make sense that January, the month of darkness, sugar withdrawal, and dashed expectations of holiday cheer, would be a prime candidate for the dissolution of marriages.

When I was seeing clients, some of my most difficult consults were with couples who were separating, and had to decide who keeps the dog. Even if you’ve never been through it, you can understand. Take a situation already loaded with regret, anger, fear, and guilt, and add in the profound love that many of us have for our dogs. Ouch.

Swooping in like some literary white knight, the new book by Karis Nafte, Who Keeps the Dog?, is a godsend. The author is uniquely qualified to write this book: She is a Certified Dog Behavior Consultant and Accredited Mediator. (And, no stranger to divorce herself, so she pretty much covers all possible ground here.) She is also a delightful woman–we had an engaging conversation last week about this difficult and important issue, and I am truly grateful that she’s created this book. Living in South Africa, she has been traveling the world talking to trainers/behaviorists, veterinarians, and divorce attorneys. Here’s what one divorce attorney said about the book:

Karis Nafte has written a unique, important, and highly useful book about a problem that is so common you would think dozens of books would have been written about it. As a divorce mediator, I have encountered many bitter disputes over pet custody, yet as a mediation trainer, I find it largely ignored – probably because Karis Nafte’s book had not yet been written.

          Kenneth Cloke, The Magic in Mediation and  Mediating Dangerously

Obviously this needs to be read by divorce attorney and mediators, but also by veterinarians, who are relentlessly expected to know virtually everything about everything related to dogs, and, of course, trainers and behaviorists who see clients in which, I guarantee you, this is going to come up. Not to mention the poor souls who are separating–often because of divorce but sometimes because of job-related moves, or any reason that a family of X number of humans stop mutually caring for a beloved dog.

When we talked, Karis explained the two most common downfalls she sees with her clients are: Shared custody, and dividing up two dogs.

We can understand why “shared custody” is the default of many. One dog, and two owners who love them and think of them as family. Why not have the dogs move back and forth between owners? For some dogs, this works out well, especially the “loves everybody all the time” kind of dog. But for many dogs, it’s disruptive and confusing. In an article Karis wrote for The Divorce Magazine, she says ” . . . most of my clients tell me they wished they had never agreed to share the dog in the first place, that the dog would be much more content in one home . . .”. I can tell you right now that Maggie would be flat out miserable if she had to go back and forth, Skip a bit less so but I’d never do that to them. They’d each spend, as do many dogs, several days pacing and unsettled, only to start it all over again a few days later.

Putting the dog first is an obvious reason that many separating couples need to gulp, cry their eyes out, and settle the dog in one home. But there’s something else that those of us who don’t mediate divorces/separations wouldn’t think of. In her words: “What people may not recognize initially is that sharing the dog with your ex may keep the wound of your relationship open for months or years, not allowing for the space that is needed to heal or move forward.” It’s not just dogs that often need a clean break, right? In addition, what if someone wants to move? Links up with another partner or spouse? Say you want to move, but your divorce agreement says your ex has to have access to the dog twice a month? You’re stuck. Want to go back to court and argue with your ex about it? Given how deeply emotional we are about both our spouses/partners/lovers, how it feels to be left (ask me how I know) and to be the leaver (ask me how I know), AND about our dogs . . . Yeah. What could go wrong?

But what if there are two dogs, or more? “One dog each” could work great with some dogs; in some cases I can even think of dogs who would be relieved. Often there’s tension between the dogs that we are barely aware of, or each dog loves getting all the attention. But many dogs have deep bonds with each other, and it would be truly cruel to separate them. Neither is it helpful to arrange play dates. I don’t advise letting dogs get back together for brief periods, or to go visit a dog you rehomed, because it so often just confuses them at best, and as likely forces them to grieve and adjust, over and over again. Karis and I both admitted, however, to checking on a rehomed dog after a few days; just to ensure ourselves we had found the right home. But that was it, after that it was phone calls and “please send photos”

It’s not surprising that both Karis and I, most importantly, advise putting the dog(s) first. But Karis’s experience and expertise working with separating couples goes far, far beyond my wheelhouse, and I am thrilled that she has written this book, and that my friends at Dogwise published it.

Karis lives in South Africa, but travels extensively, and she will be in Chicago, presenting on her work in best practice for pets well being in divorcing families, at the American Bar Association Conference April 25-25 2025. She will be traveling for various speaking engagements during that period and is available in the weeks before or after the ABA conference. (I’m going to contact the UW Vet School in Madison . . . ). Go to her website for information about her courses for attorneys/mediators and dog professionals. But, by all means, get a copy of her book if you are a trainer or behaviorist, a veterinarian, or (I’m so sorry), about to have to make the Who Keeps the Dog decision yourself. It’s invaluable.

MEANWHILE, back on the farm: We are just back on the farm, having returned from Mississippi to work with sheepdog trainer Adrian Espinoza. Skip and I got nine lessons on gorgeous, huge fields with sheep who were not too heavy and not too light. It was flat out heaven; Adrian’s coaching was right on (for both human and dog), Skip and I worked hard (both of our brains were truly strained at one point, always a good sign you are learning and out of your comfort zone), and Adrian’s partner, Diane Davis, a fine sheepdog handler in her own right, could not have been a kinder host.

In a few weeks I might post of video of Skip doing a big ass outrun, but for now, here’s a photo of him fetching some sheep to me. I love the look on his face–happy, relaxed and totally engaged.

Bonus! (For us, not Adrian and Diane.) Just as in our species, family planning doesn’t always work out. Turns out a ram got out while they were away, and their plans of lambing in March got upended by a saggy fence post, and a testosterone-crazed ram. It’s not ideal (understatement) to lamb when you don’t expect it, nutrition-wise, but since Jim and I don’t raise lambs anymore, it was joyous to see some newborns. Here’s a sweetie sleeping in the sun.

Adrian and Diane have a lot of sheep, a lot of land, and four hard working guard dogs. The one of the left, whose name I would remember if I was a better person, not only protects against coyotes and occasional gangs of roaming dogs looking for trouble, but, honest-to-god, cuddles cold lambs on cold nights. Be still my heart.

Wait!!! There’s more! A beautiful litter of four-week old Border Collie puppies, all sweet skunky breath, and tiny paws, and silky, poufy baby bellies.

But, nothing is better than my beloved niece, Wendy Piatt, coming down from Nashville to visit for part of it. She is a singer, song-writer, and you can find her work under the name Sweetlove. Sweet love, yup that’s her.
And talented and smart and funny and, I am TOTALLY objective about this, pretty much perfect.

Last, we stayed at an AirB&B, which we highly recommend, Moon Hollow Cottage in Como, MS. Dogs allowed, and 25 acres on which to run! The hosts Karen and Kole could not have been more welcoming, and the dogs were in heaven–working sheep at the farm, (Maggie got to do lots of work too, she was so happy!), and longs walks at “home.” I will admit, truth be told that it was a bit cold. Okay, fine, it was f’g freezing part of the time, but that’s what coats and REI undershirts are for.

Overall, it was a wonderful trip, even if there were a few cold mornings in which we thought about our friends in Florida and Jamaica and Barbados.
But, while talking about going, my ridiculously generous husband said, “Sure, we can drive a long way in January to a place that’s still cold and brown so that you can get lessons from this coach you like, instead of going somewhere warm and green.” I do not deserve this man.

I hope your last few weeks have been good ones, and if you are in southern CA (and also NC), that you are not dealing with a personal disaster. My heart goes out to all who are. For those of us who are not, I hope you join me in being overwhelmed with gratitude for what we have.